today the past paid me a visit
the sweet, wonderful past

the past that is Coolidge Corner:
skipping through the rose garden,
giggling arm in arm with him;
walking through the swirling snow
to go cuddle in the soft blue bed with Espo;
taking big, satiating inhales and exhales
flowing with others at the studio;
laughing ourselves to tears
around mismatched cups and decks of cards;
fumbling through the scary road to our dreams,
hoping, holding, celebrating one another.

the past that is magical New York:
where I learned how to find myself
and find a sense of home in the park, in my friend, in runs and yoga and walks to sweet music.

the past that is my California home:
a home that no longer is the same,
but held so much growth and beauty.

Gratitude overwhelms me
the past is an unexpected, but beloved visitor

She helps me remember
just how quickly life changes
and to try to soak in the present
for it is unbelievably sweet
and holds pieces of the past
that I am so lucky to behold

salty tears spill over my eyelids
i have spent so long resisting them,
scolding them, lashing myself
telling myself i am broken
for having a soft exterior
with cracks that allow life to slip through

but what if this is part of my beauty?
what if isn't wrong to feel
every morsel of life that it has to give?
what if it means i can understand you?
what if it means i can help somebody
feel more seen, and less afraid?
what if it means i am just being my version
of alive?

i will try to soften
around these cracks of mine
and have compassion,
love,
for these parts of who i am

i feel like a piece of my brain is missing
some critical set of synapses
that soothes and calms
lives within you

I will always fill the pantry
with your favorite snacks to eat

I will always rub your back
when you need help going to sleep

I will always take your call
and hold space for what you need

I will always do my best
to love you, unconditionally

You give me patience
and time

You can hold steady
while I spin

what did I do to deserve you?

it's no secret now
that demons dance inside me

usually they're quiet
but sometimes they get too loud

you've come too close
for me to hide

i am so ashamed
so scared

i don't love these parts of me
so how could you?

my throat constricts
my stomach shrinks and turns
my shoulders curl, tense
my fingers compulsively claw
at the skin around my nails

the thought of you
feeling how you feel for me
for somebody else
makes
me want
to
crawl
out
of
my
body

I want to shout, burst, reach, touch
but all that I'm met with is a void

this is paralysis

listening to music
helps me remember who i am

I can see the emptiness in your pixelated eyes
the effort in your virtual smile

This distance is like a glass plane
I can see your pain, but I can't reach it, can't reach you

If I could, I'd hold you close,
nuzzle into your side
scratch your back,
empty your mind

my baby this too will pass
but it doesn't feel that way just yet

i want to protect you
and blame what i need
on some deficiency in me

and say baby don't worry
i am hurting
because he hurt me

i am hurting
because i am just not quite right,
just not quite good enough

(and most of the time,
i believe it too)

but i have to try to believe
that i'm as worthy as anyone else
and that i hurt because i am human

the truth is this:

lately i have felt
like i am rationing your love
and my stores are running low

i am scared

please,
fill me back up

you told me that you love me
because i make you feel safe,
and loved

well when the sky goes dark
and the silence from my phone rings louder
and the voices in my head whisper faster

i hear:
you love me because i love you

(and god, i do)

but my dear,
i want to be loved
because i am me
(the way that i love you
because you are you)

so tell me,

could you ever yearn for me
the way that i yearn for you?

could you put yourself aside for me
the way that i would do without a thought for you?

could you see me, adoringly
the way that i see and unconditionally love you?

i don't know
but if you do
i need you to show me

sometimes i feel so afraid
that you'll never love me
the way i love you

I've been without a home for a while now
Having as much adventure as time will allow

I have climbed mountains and I have seen stars
I've danced and I've traveled wide and far

But to be honest what gets me through
Are thoughts of coming on home to you

Of you being the last place I will land
Of yours being the roots upon which our home will stand

Because then when we adventure together I know
I will always carry with me a sense of home

sometimes when I can't sleep
I imagine your warm arms encircling me

You deem your sweetness to be your "curse"
because it kept people from seeing you
as more than a friend

But what if it was merely meant to keep the wrong ones at bay
to save you
(and all of your magnificent sweetness)
for me?

is my love for you

it fills up every inch, every pore
it spills out of my mouth once i can no longer bear to hold it in
it runs constantly through my mind like a song stuck on repeat

i hope this never stops

I could spend forever
watching the planes go by
with you

i woke up to your absence
i feel hollow,
ghostlike

i decided to take a walk to try to feel okay

i pass through places
that once screamed with color
but now feel gray

a piece of me
left
when you did

I turn up my music
to an ear-splitting volume
walk pointedly to the beat and try
to drown out my thoughts

It doesn’t work
the voices sneak up
and get louder,
faster

I keep walking

is this ache
old and familiar,
displaced?

or is this
a fresh wound,
scarlet red and alive?

invisible
wrong
annoying
not enough

voices in my head
are shouting at each other

it's too loud, too fast
i want it to stop

it hurts the most coming from you
please
just see me

this is new
the ears have been noticed

take me back
to rose colored glasses

I know what comes next
and I'm terrified

I don't tire of being with you
it's as easy as being alone
it feels like coming home

i used to think
i had a native tongue

that i'd have to study,
put in the work,
to speak another

but somehow with you
i am fluent in them all

i want to breathe love into you
in all its forms

his bottom lip bears two (adorable) freckles
his arms are solid and curved in a way that is addictive to touch
his hair waves deliciously
his eyes reveal new colors each time I look into them
his eyelashes are a warm, soft brown
his stubble casts a handsome shadow along his jaw

lucky am I to behold these details

last night you told me that you love me

I felt hope,
and fear

I hope that you mean this
but I fear that you don't

I think I put up
more walls than I realized

to protect myself
in case things fell apart

I need you to show me
to help me understand
that your words are true

I so desperately want
to exhale

i trusted in him
and let my love grow

now i see how his didn't
and there's no guarantee that it will

will this work?
i am terrified

my love for him eclipses his for me
****, that hurts

there is no lonelier feeling
than lying next to someone
who is supposed to be your lover
and knowing they're not there

he is
warmth

it envelops me,
comforts me,
until I melt.

he is
generosity

giving, persistently,
insisting that I allow myself
to receive.

he is
steadiness

without fail, he is there
there is no better gift
than trust that is deserved.

he is
miraculous

this love transcends time
when I look into your eyes
I see our future

the typical flitting about of my mind
comes to a rest when I am with you

it's magic

may every night end
with you as the last thing i see

and may every morning begin
with yours arms reaching for me

my head was in the crook of his shoulder
as we discussed the following day's plans

i said, "believe me, i'm a planner"
he said, "i know, i've seen your lists"

i said, with a scoff, "you should see my brain"
and he said, "it would be beautiful"

and that was when I fell,
with a thud

there's no going back now

his fingers are my muse

they pluck out melodies on the guitar
with such ease,
such grace,
such control
they do his bidding
and create something beautiful

those same fingers
dance over my skin
sometimes they're soft,
sometimes they're rough,
they know how to make music out of me,
how to create something beautiful

sometimes words
slip out of his mouth
before he has a chance to notice

some people's unfiltered appraisals
are ugly, painful, taboo
not his

his are brimming with kindness
born of empathy
glimmers of an inside of pure gold

tonight
old pain
reared its ugly head

i felt alone
unwanted
uncared for
unseen —

not enough

he held me until the pain went away.

it's waking up to you
swimming in sheets of white
and glimmers of soft morning light

snuggling into your easy touch
feeling warmth pour out of your body,
your eyes

let this never end

we ought to stay together

for he used to kiss my nose
and you now kiss my forehead
I am running out of real estate
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you warm my frigid hands
and call it your purpose,
thawing out my fearful heart until it melts
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you held me while humming my favorite song
and I couldn't bear it if that memory
one day became tainted with pain
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you always make my coffee first
and you help me out of the crossword when I get stuck
and you gift me videos of spoken word love poems
if only for these reasons
we ought to stay together

you are so warm
it pours out of you —
your hands, your eyes, your lips

you thaw out
the parts of me
that are frigid

it must be no coincidence
that they call it "falling"

i'm afraid of heights

and the brink of love
is terrifying

even more so this time
now that i know
just how much it hurts
to lose

last night we listened to my favorite song
you held me close
and hummed in my ear

the strongest sense of melancholy
hit me like a truck

because i don't think i could bear it
if i lose you
and this song becomes steeped with pain

please don't ruin
my favorite song

last time was a shallower love
one made up of saccharine treats
that made me feel momentarily full, high
but ultimately left me empty

this time will be a deeper love
a satiating one, a nourishing one
those sweet bits and bobs are there, of course,
but this time they are the dessert
rather than the main event

why is it that
a wide open day
full of possibilities and options
leaves me feeling like
I've got to fight tooth and nail
to keep sadness at bay?

why does my own company
make my mind whirl?

why does my time
beg to be filled, planned, maximized?

i've spent three years pining for your love
and now i suppose it's time for me
to pine for mine

i am often a bit too rigid
piously adherent to my self-afflicted rules
clinging fiercely to a sense of control

you have shaken me loose

i can see it in your eyes
say it

with each step that I take
wading deeper into these waters

echoes of waves past
wash over me

it's disorienting

you said,
"I feel very
observed"

perhaps because
you're an unsolvable mystery
a dazzling wonder to behold

I can't help but analyze
every angle
every clue

you're captivating

just please don't scurry away
from the eye of my scrutiny