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Alleigh Peterson Jul 2016
Today I fainted
and the last thing I saw before I blacked out
was you.
And when they asked me how I passed out
I said it's because I have anemia
and sometimes I get too tired to function
and my body shuts down on me.
But what I didn't tell them is since you left,
it feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest
and sometimes it gets too hard to breathe.
My anemia is making my hands freeze
and maybe it's because when you left,
you turned me cold.
Alleigh Peterson Dec 2017
it's taking forever to move my hands across
the keyboard where i sit and write
spilling my feelings to strangers
i swore nirvana would always be my favourite band
but people change and i used to be so angry
i hated the world and people in it
and the familiar scream of pain in the music
made me feel something and nothing
at the same time.
run on sentences are beautiful because it's almost as if everything you want to say is spilling out and you can't keep them from pouring from your mouth or your mind or your soul
smoking with my friends is beautiful
because the people i've known for the shortest amount of time
are the ones who are closest to me
my phone lit up with the names of people i haven't talked to in years
because they care enough to ask me if i'm ok
when my desperate cries for help aren't heard by anyone in the city
washington, d.c. is so beautiful
but the people in the city
walk by with their heads down
and i wonder if they think
it takes forever to move their feet
just like it's taking me forever
to get my words written down.
Alleigh Peterson Oct 2016
and yet again i find myself at the corner of
emptiness & stuck in the middle of the repetitive Forget-Me-Not's
although i already know the answer
it gets me wondering if you will ever come back
my dog lucky ran away on christmas a few years back
and i remember
because that's the year that I got the call
now i have an irrational fear of telephones
and when it rings
i jump because the day i picked up the phone
i was expecting to hear the opposite
that they didn't find the dog
but they got lucky with you instead
it's been six years
and i'm still not tired of picking flowers.
Alleigh Peterson Mar 2018
i drove over the bridge today and i felt above it all
high
and i think of you
you know i am afraid of heights
and driving over the bridge helps me
feel temporary
like loving you--
one wrong reflex after another.
i'm driving high and i feel you there
somewhere
sometimes my body tingles
and i wonder if you're thinking of me then
the places you touched
my body is a wasteland
nuclear test sites scattered across my skin
reminds me i am made for just that
destruction
you're moving to west virginia
i wanted to beg you to be careful
take care of yourself
love yourself like your mother should have
but didn't
i loved you enough for the both of us
i think of you too often
and too much is never enough
but that was always the case
wasn't it?
Alleigh Peterson Jul 2018
i
am the one they write about in all the lovesick poems
i have found someone again--
not myself (yet)
i lost myself in the good & bad
my whole life i have been terrified of the dark
the late nights spent alone haunt something within me.


i slept with my legs on your bed last night and it's always been
unexplainable
as to why i feel safe with my legs off the sides of the bed
i think
i am comfortable being uncomfortable because i am
afraid of the opposite
but how wonderful it is to feel so small in such a big world

/

e.p.
two months with a wonderful being/other half/soulmate!?
Alleigh Peterson Mar 2018
it's 10:58 pm here
i have stumbled down the stairs one too many times
and i can see the look on their faces
when i say i'm okay
i'm okay
one too many times seems repetitive
repetition is good
repetition reminds me of the clock ticking inside my head
but the clock counts calories instead of time
as i count the seconds passing through these hunger pains
like contractions

should have bought a pregnancy test today
i didn't
i'm good at not doing things
like going to class
and eating

this bowl of rice and beans
seems all too familiar and i watch myself in the mirror as
i
eat
it's a trick i've learned
it helps me stop

the day i found out spicy food can curb appetite was
revolutionary.
i had always hated it
but sriracha became a new best friend
i've lost 30 pounds in 6 months.
Alleigh Peterson Jan 2018
a house is not always a home
i learned that too early
too young to know what family was
because i never
had one
passed from family to family like some kind of disease
and that's when the disease
became
me
i'm sick again
it had been years since my last treatment
in and out of hospitals like a child going to school
i tell people i'm afraid of needles
and they think it's because i've seen what they do to my brother
but it's what they do to me
that makes my heart jump into my throat
and i can't
breathe
is what my nurse tells me
"maybe you won't faint this time"
i want to tell her that i'm scared
but then my terrible mind stops me
"there are people out there with worse problems"
my mind yells at me
just like my father does when he's had enough to drink
but the difference is
at least i
want
to put my hands on my mind
and choke it senseless
tell it to shut up
tell it to go away
go away
it's a problem
"she's a problem" is what my mother says
i've been in therapy since i was four
and my mother says it's because i had
adoption issues
as a child
little does she know
that the adoption issues didn't go away
i'm still four
million years away
from being okay with myself
as i sit here writing this
my parents are at a dinner party
and i am at my own party
with abandonment issues, depression and anxiety as my guests
they throw open the door to my house
not home
and make a mess of me
shamelessly
they tell me things i don't care to hear
my doctors say it's paranoia
schizophrenia, perhaps
i don't listen
i'm good at that
my therapist says i don't listen to things i don't believe
so maybe that's why i haven't heard my parents say
i love you
in years
or maybe it's because they haven't cared enough
to say it.
Alleigh Peterson Aug 2018
you make me want to
***** fruitful words
they spill down my chin
you make lovesickness tangible
my forearms tingle from missing the circles
you trace into my skin
effortlessly
my mind twists itself in sailors knots with thoughts of
you
i go to school by the water
i have always thought the sunsets were beautiful
but once the sun has set it’s easy
to turn away from a sky full of stars

you are a galaxy
my mind craves the expansion
so I can
find the most lonely crevices of you
and make them whole again.
Alleigh Peterson Dec 2017
someone is standing over me
as i am hunched over the toilet in the bathroom
after a long night of drinking
and i wonder if they look at me the way i look at myself
the tear stained cheeks and the gagging
trying to get rid of the alcohol
that i used to drown my sadness for a night

and one night turns into ten
and drinking turns into smoking
because being high means more laughter
and laughter means i don't think about how
i want to die
because multitasking isn't my forte
especially when my mind is gone
i wish i could be gone too

i talk about how i've tried to **** myself 9 times
and my friends think i wouldn't try it again
"thank god you're still here" they say
but they don't know that i'm an atheist and
thanking god has not been on my to-do list in years

when i say i'm getting bad again
i don't mean i know you noticed that
i'm not smiling as much anymore
when i say i'm getting bad again
i mean i dream of self-destruction
and tearing myself down after i've built myself up
is all i'm good at.
when my family tells me they'll pray for me to get better, i take it with a grain of salt, because it spills from the mouths of people who don't say what they mean. it comes from the mouths of people who want to see me get better so they don't have to explain to their friends at church why i'm so depressed
and why i've gained so much weight (because bulimia is a *****) and why my arms are covered in scars and tattoos because they've never had a mental illness
and to them, it's all in the head.
Alleigh Peterson Aug 2020
these days i notice the way my limbs
sway gently as i walk
the rough catching of my thighs
has become unfamiliar
the space left between
left for someone to fill
love cuts through the hickory bark of my heart
your hatchet cracking me open
i spill
dinner dates on the rooftop overlooking the city
we both want to escape
with every mouthful i swallow your tender caresses
across my stomach i have hated for so long
how is it possible to feel alive around such a stranger
if you knew me would you love me
since you know me do you love me
teardrops from the sky hit my balcony
you held me as i wept that night
current joys
nostalgic nights
a hickory tree splintered open
bark cracking down the sides
raw and exposed
the lightning ripped open the truth and self
the soft white underbelly of hickory exposed.
my first poem for you.
Alleigh Peterson Nov 2018
i swear to god if i write one more ****
love poem
i am going to lose it
Alleigh Peterson Oct 2019
I remember when we were
sickly brains and visible bones
and there was something so romantic
in dying.
The night you told me I was beautiful
and I laughed.
And I laughed.
And I laughed, because
who knew those words would mean so much
until you left me.
We would watch the clouds and talk about
how they were meant to be on the ground
but they
hung
themselves instead.
You joked that you were jealous, and you’d be a cloud one day.
If i’m honest, i didn’t really understand what you meant
i didn’t really know, and i still don’t know but
i do know
that when i look at the clouds
all i see
is
you
.
Alleigh Peterson Dec 2017
and making me want to die was something you were always good at.
not in a bad way
because for someone who has been suicidal since age 11,
that means you made me feel something.
feeling something has been a problem of mine for a while now
i either feel it all or nothing
and my therapist tells me that's
"black and white thinking"
and i tell her
"no, it's realistic"
and she laughs and tells me i must be colourblind
but the world has so many different tones of grey
and i tell her i know
i just can't see them yet
and she sends me home with a worksheet to fill out
she says bring it back tomorrow for our next session
but the worksheet asks me questions i don't have the answer to
"what's your favourite shade of grey"
almost arbitrary
could be written off
but i feel the breath catching in my throat
because i don't think about grey anymore
grey reminds me of the colour in your eyes
a colour chart that ranges from silver lining
to solitaire
you've ran off again
and i have to be honest
i'm glad that when
you left
you left
me colourblind
because i can't see grey without thinking of you
and i can't see your note so it's another night of feeling nothing
feeling something
feeling it all
Alleigh Peterson Nov 2018
he makes me feel more dead than alive
and i thought it was the opposite
until i realised
i have craved being empty for so long
i count calories on my phone
because habits are hard to break.
i swear every time that
this pack of cigarettes will be the last
and then i find myself
lost again
and crawling up the stairs when i'm too drunk
is a tradition i never missed
because it never left to begin with

feb. 25.
Alleigh Peterson Jul 2016
And oh, darling,
I am thankful because
I have such small hands
which can grab the pen and paper I need
to write down my untidy thoughts, like
the disarray my sheets lay in
because I didn't have the energy to make my bed this morning;
the depression comes in waves
which crash over my head and drag me down
and when I open my eyes again
I remember that I saw you in my sleep
Oh, lover, I saw you in my sleep.
Based on the song Such Small Hands by La Dispute -- the song I tried to commit suicide to a year ago. I heard it for the first time again a few minutes ago and as I sit here shaking, I decided to write.
Alleigh Peterson Sep 2016
I'm so
tired of the rain
because it reminds me
of you
the way you would
never cry
and the day I left
I got your message
and you said
that your eyes
opened like the skies above
the Maryland bay
where my body now rests.
I'm so
tired of the rain
on the ground
enough to get my feet wet
but not
enough to let me drown.

a.m.p.
Alleigh Peterson Oct 2018
the day you died
i carefully
wrapped the delicate parts of myself up
in old blankets i had last used
with you

seeing your mother for the first time after wasn't
easy
searching her eyes for the memories of you
(the baby pictures were my favourite)
you had such little hands.
Alleigh Peterson May 2016
/əˈblivēən/
1. the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening.
2. the state of being forgotten.

I fear being forgotten
and I'm afraid
I won't feel it happening.
But
I'm afraid you're
going to be the one to forget about me.
Alleigh Peterson Mar 2018
if you think we'd be better as strangers
i hope you spit your anger into
every word and make sure i choke
grab your words and crumple them in your fists
make sure i know you don't care
you made me feel things i hadn't felt since
sophomore year of high school
i was so madly in love then, too
and when people tell me
all good things must come to an end
i
just
laugh
i laugh so hard my ribs explode like shrapnel
and i'm reminded that
i didn't eat today
i try not to think too much about the past
until i see that the past was
eighty pounds lighter
and i wonder if the weight i gained
wasn't just from recovery
but also from the baggage you left--
cleaning your room was the worst part.
im quite drunk and thinking of you again
Alleigh Peterson Jul 2016
As I sit here, waiting
for the medicine to kick in
I start singing jumbled rhymes in my head:
One little pill to stop the mood swings.
and another to stop the cutting.
Add on another three to make me happy,
and on top of that, another two
to make me feel numb.
Maybe lithium does make me dumb,
but
I'd rather be comfortable
with a false sense of happiness
then where I was a year ago
waiting for the medicine to kick in
and take me away.
Alleigh Peterson Nov 2018
(i can't write good poetry when i'm tired
so i'm sorry if this isn't to your liking)

giving myself a **** TED talk every time i want to get out of bed is
exhausting
to say the least
and it's cloudy -- i could make some metaphor
about how the sun doesn't shine
but i know you like metaphors
and cloudy days
so i don't.
i wrote a song today.

march 14.
Alleigh Peterson Feb 2018
i.
i sat in the rain with you today.

ii.
in thirty seconds the rain had gone from light drops
to earth shattering jolts and you grabbed my hand

iii.
i don't know what this feeling is and i'm scared i'm so scared
but i am going to take this and run with it
run with you

iv.
i hope i make you think about things you wouldn't
normally think of
like maybe
me

v.
you said you wanted to kiss me twice today
so why didn't you?
Alleigh Peterson Sep 2016
I'm sitting,
re-reading an article online titled
Reasons Not To Hurt Yourself
but I'm still waiting by the phone
to hear you say you loved me
or even say you cared.
I've been laying in my bed
praying to god to keep you out of my mind
so if I cross yours
please write down the times
so I can know the times
when I was eating you alive.
God, I miss you. I wish I still crossed your mind. My guitar got to uni today and I can't even look at it without seeing you.
Alleigh Peterson May 2018
my dark undereye circles are hard to cover now
they are from sleepless nights spent
smoking in the backyard and listening to too much sad music
i’m tired of writing poems for you
in 2 days it will be a year since you left
you didn’t write me
you didn’t have to.


a month ago i was afraid of monsters in the dark
from the night i sat up with him and we watched horror movies
i thought of you then, too
not in the way he held me but in the way he left
we were supposed to see each other again
he stood me up


typical.



i shouldn’t look for parts of you in everything i do
but i woke up at the crack of dawn today
little sleep and weary
i snuck out to dance in the rain
these clothes cling to my frame
i wonder if you know what i look like
now


i see my doctor today
i haven’t seen her in years because she only took patients that were
sick enough
and when i gained forty pounds after the ****
she told me i could be discharged
my eating had never been worse
or lack of it


i run my fingers over my collarbones
i need to make sure they didn’t leave
i miss you and the way you made me feel beautiful
without body checks.
i want to get more tattoos
cover the parts of myself i don’t like
my thighs
my arms
my undereye circles
Alleigh Peterson Nov 2018
i was nine years old
when my body decided it could no longer
follow the marbled features of inspirations before myself
my slender, sculpted legs gave rise to thick
thighs
resisted against me
exposed me
and by then i thought
i would never
walk on the runways in high rise new york city buildings
bright city lights to highlight my flaws
my hips just as expansive as the judgment
they give way to scrutiny--

i pity the paintings trapped inside the louvre
i too despise the cold gaze of unwanted audiences
who complain of travel
who complain of coming such a long way
for a disappointment.
Alleigh Peterson Oct 2018
i.

some nights i feel powerful
like i have the energy
to entertain crowds of the strangers i live with
who get drunk off cheap alcohol in my living room.
empty plastic cups turned over, sticky red wine
carelessly splashed across linoleum tiles
kind of like how it feels when you get your heart broken
the sort of mess you are left to clean up alone.

ii.

the drunken stumbling, praying to make it to the bathroom in time
nobody notices the spilled wine until the morning
the frantic scrubbing so the ants wandering are not forced
to pull off their limbs
waiting for someone to save them.
Alleigh Peterson Apr 2018
re-reading tweets at 12:45 am seems so normal but
that's the last thing i'm thinking
because your page is empty
but i know messages are flooding in
every second
you said you were in pain and
it's been on your mind

were we on your mind?



you said you'd hold a gun in your hand
it scares me because you and i are similar
i try not to think about it
we lost one of our own tonight. mourning, always.
Alleigh Peterson May 2018
acquaintanceship is hard when
the two of us have more faces
that spit fire from tongues silenced too long
twos company
fours a crowd
the night we met you called me a
gemini *****
i entangled those words in my mind
funny that
that was the night i wanted to hang myself
i'm not that bad anymore but it reminds me that
i long for people who damage me
a "build me up to tear me down" deal
lies
the secrets i've spilled to you on drunken nights
are used as icepicks in the cold dwelling that is my soul
i know you have it too
you told me about the things that haunt you
.

you don't ask me how i am anymore
today i walked out of your room and you didn't look up when i left
and yet you're happy enough to parade me around
a travelling circus
a freak show
until the clock you wear on your wrist beeps
and suddenly,
i'm not convenient
.


i know you're at war with yourself too
i've been enlisted in my own militia for as long as i could talk
i have scars on my body from all the times the soldiers in my head
decided i needed a reminder of what they're fighting
.

why don't you ask about me?
i bend backwards for you until my spine snaps
but you tell me it's only a fracture
.

— The End —