When I was 5 I wanted to be a doctor
Until I realized I cried every time I needed a shot
Winced when I saw someone fall
And wanted to ***** when I saw blood.

When I was 7 I wanted to be a veterinarian
Until I realized I was more connected to animals
Than I was to humans
And I cried every time my dog so much as limped.

When I was 10 I wanted to be a teacher
Until I realized I could never let my students go
And would be too concerned about what they’re going through
That I wouldn’t even know what to teach them.

When I was 13 I wanted to be a lawyer
Until I realized I shook every time something bad happened
And if I ****** at arguing with my brother
How could I argue for someone’s future?

When I was 15 I wanted to be a CEO
Until I realized people would have to know my name
And I’d have to tell them what to do
When I didn’t even know what I was doing.

When I was 17 I wanted to be an author
Until I realized I couldn’t even read my own work
Let alone let my family and friends read it
Let alone let strangers read it.

When I’m grown up
All I really want to be
Is so content with where I’m at
That I don’t need to look too far in the future.

When I grow up
I just want a roof over my head
A job I love
And a family that loves me.

When I grow up
I don’t care what I’m doing
Or where I am
As long as I’m happy.

the boy with the dark brown eyes sat in front of me in science. I caught him turning back and looking at me as I took notes. he smiled at me when I looked up at him. he asked for my number that day.

the boy with the dark brown eyes was late for science. he sat down and didn't say anything. he never turned around to talk to me. I called him that night to see if everything was okay. he never answered.

the boy with the dark brown eyes never showed up to science. the teacher broke it to us. he tried to **** himself the night before and was in the hospital. I didn't take notes. i couldn't take my eyes off his vacant seat. I called his number that night hoping he would answer. I sobbed when I heard his voice on his voicemail.

the boy with the dark brown eyes came back to science. he turned back to me and smiled. the first time i had seen him smile in months. I called his number that night, and he answered. we talked all night, and we shared our deepest fears and greatest loves. he said his greatest love was me.

the boy with the dark brown eyes was early to science today. he turned around and called me beautiful. I blushed when he asked me on a date. that night he called me and thanked me for saving him. when really, he was the one that saved me.

​i love you
but you'll never look at me
like you look at her
or your guitar
or your nephew
but i will learn to love myself
like i've done before
and look at myself
the way i wanted you to

he was remarkable
he was intelligent
he was kind
he was...the worst thing that ever happened to me

don't let the thought of us go away
because the only thing in my head
is the distance between then and now
and now and there
and maybe we can make something of it

It was 3 degrees outside
She wore a purple fuzzy headband that seemed to cover her entire head
Her large and puffy grey coat went to her knees
A grey turtleneck underneath
And those clunky duck boots
While everyone else smiled at the weekend at 3 on a Friday
She looked confused
I could only imagine what she was thinking about

It was 58 degrees outside
The headband gone
She has blonde hair that’s up in a ponytail more often than it isn’t
The coat is gone but the turtleneck is still there
It’s striped this time
She still wears the duck boots since the snow is melting away
And there are puddles with every step
She’s smiling and laughing on the phone
Trying to explain directions
I can only imagine who she’s talking to

I can see it
I can see my future in the way her hair is flipping back and forth as she walks
I can see my future in the way her face lights up when she laughs
I can see my future in the way she curls her hands into her sleeves
I can see my future in how she tries to avoid a puddle but then steps into a deeper one
I can see my future in the way that puddle ripples around her
I can see my future in the way the melting snow seems to glimmer when she passes it

I learned she got the headband for free once
When she spent too much money at her favorite store
Her grey coat is a family company she’s obviously loyal to
The grey turtleneck is from the place she got the headband from
Obviously, she tells me with an eye roll and a laugh
The duck boots keep her feet dry, even if they’re not very warm
She looked confused because she was leaving economics, her hardest class
She had just learned a new concept that all of her classmates understood
But for some reason, she couldn’t wrap her head around it

She likes that her hair is blonde
But knows it’ll turn brown one day, like her mom
So she gets highlights put in, knowing it won’t help, but hopes anyway
She’s always wearing turtlenecks because she’s always cold
It’s from the same store as the other one
Obviously
The duck boots are her favorite and her feet like them too much to wear other shoes
She’ll never admit it
But she steps in the deeper puddles on purpose because she likes how they splash
She was on the phone with her friend from high school
Directing her to the lot to park in
She’s staying over this weekend

I was right when I said my future was in her
It’s in the hair
The jacket
The turtlenecks
The headband
The boots
The confused look
The happy one
The eye roll
The laugh
The puddles
The snow
My future is her

The final two
Her and I
Hand in hand
Like this won’t change a thing
As we await the results

She squeezes my hand
Whispers a gentle
It’s going to be us three
Like always
And i believe it

And as her name is called
I still believe it
Us three
Nothing will change
There was no real winner

If she doesn’t live up to the title
Here i’ll be
To take her position
To take on the roll
And all the responsibilities

She didn’t
And you come crawling to me
Begging me to take the title
To take her place
That i should’ve won anyway

I gladly take it
Because why wouldn’t I
It’s all i’ve ever wanted
You and I
The two as it’s supposed to be

While she’s off on her scandal
It’s as if the competition never happened
And it’s three years ago all over again
With me in the job
And all of the responsibilities


But the scandal lightens
Not as bad as you thought
And suddenly i’m not the winner
And i stand with a crown on my head
And a meaningless title

But you continue to tell me I won
As you tell her the same thing
And how she always says
It’s us three
Even though we know it never will be

But i let it go
As the curtain drops
As the cameras stop rolling
As the audience goes home
As you act like the scandal never happened

And here I am
As I watch the competition back
As I notice how this all really happened
How it is through a different lense
And I turn the television off

And I walk away

I don't like country
and God forbid I ever begin to
for the only thing floating through my head
is her overplayed Luke Bryan playlist
in my rickety old truck
and the silence that was always there

your hands still burn on my waist
your fingers would pat
and your hand would move

up and down against my waist
almost touching my ribs
our height feeling miles apart

your thumbs would run across my bone
i could feel your hands burn through the fabric
of the cheap red dress

you hummed along to a humdrum song
a song I’d heard a million times
a song I never get sick of

your fingers caressed my back
and moved like they did on a piano
and reminded me what caring touch felt like

your hands still burn on my waist
barely touching my ribs
leaving me empty

you were in everything
my thoughts
my daydreams
my stories
my poems
and now
i don't even have
a place for you
at all

I fell for you like autumn leaves
I loved you like the moon loved the sun
I cared for you like my mother did me
I kissed you like it could be my last

but you broke me like a sheet of glass.

I should've held you closer
I should've called.
I should've texted.
I should've wrote.
I should've hugged you tighter.
I should've talked to you more.
I should've told you how I felt.
I should've told told everyone what this was.
I should've told my parents.
I should've told my friends.
I really should've told my sister.
I should've known you were destined for greatness.
I should've known you were more than this.
I should've known you were more than us.
I should've known it wouldn't last forever.
I should've known you were different.
I should've known this was something special.
I should've listened.
I should've talked.
I should've laughed more.
I should've cried less.
I should've told you to take the chance.
I should've listened to that **** song you recommended.
I should've watched that movie you raved about.
I should've put you first.
I should've loved you.
I should've loved you more.
I should've done more.
I should've told you.
I should've told you.
I should've told you.

as i slowly let go of your hand
and grip onto my own
i know this is where
i am destined to be

on thursday, march 14, 2019, the streets flooded
our phones even emergency alerted us
we sat in my dorm
and scrolled through photos of the disaster
quiet gasps as seeing parks destroyed
and schools closed for the rest of the week
the snow is far gone
but the flood takes it’s place
the snow still reminding us
it’s not leaving, no, it won’t leave
we turn on a movie
and try to forget
but on sunday i’m driving
fields destroyed
streets and highways still closed
he leaves to go back to school
away from the floods
but only i remain
in the middle of what’s left
what’s never going to leave
the snow is back
the flood froze over

You look like home
Like my dad’s hugs
And my mom’s kisses
And family cuddles

You look like home
Like the beaten down couch
And my brother’s music
And my sister’s paintings

You look like home
Like dark orange walls
And just a little too cold
And with some hard edges

You look like home
Like the torn up garden
And my dog’s face when we leave
And winds whistling around the corners

You look like home
And I don’t want to go home

all for you
is just that
all for you
but maybe not you
and maybe a you far off in the future
but it's you
you i don't know yet
or maybe i do know you
but it's for you
because it's all for you
all of this
all of us
all of these
lead to you
everything i have ever done
everything i do
everything i will do
will lead me to you
so here it is

it's all for you

maybe one day
i'll look back
and realize
you were
never
even
worth it

he'd compare my writings to a garden
how my little ideas sprung into something huge
i'd tell him it wasn't like that
that it takes more
it takes more than one little idea
and not all of them make it into something huge
but out of all the wrong things he said
he had this one partially right
flowers grow from seeds
poetry grows from pain

to you
you never made it up to me
but to me
you did it in so many ways

when you let me play my music
on the way to your grandparents

when we start to walk through the same door
and you always let me go

when we begin talking at the same time
and you always let me tell my story
even if i forget what it was
or laugh half way through
or even cry

when I said no gifts on my birthday
and you still showed up with one

when i was trying to tell everyone a story
and you made sure i knew you were listening
even when no one else was

to you
you never made it up to me
but to me
maybe i need to make up some things
for you

the grass is muddy
where you kicked your feet
as you pushed the swing
that held you and me
and everything in between
with stories and laughs
and smiles so big my cheeks still hurt
with shoulders touching
without the need to be
with feet kicking
and story telling
and smiles
and muddy grass

it was with tired eyes looking up
and millions of thoughts running through his head
and tears running down his face
that i then truly learned to love him

because it was one in the morning
and the streets were empty
and the few lights were bright
and the houses were dark
and the world was quiet
and i thought you were next to me
i wanted you next to me

i should've known
stolen glances
were just that

stolen

​my heat aches
for i know what i've done
for i know what you've gone through
and i know i haven't been there

my heart aches
because we don't talk anymore
because we aren't who we used to be
and i know we're better than this

my heart aches
we've had our differences
we've had out fights
and we always come back

my heart aches
I never told you what i felt
I never shared what actually happened
and you deserved to know

my heart aches
we don't communicate
we don't say what we mean
and I know i should

my heart is full
we'll figure this out
we'll get through this
and we always do

Drowning out memories
Maybe I can see things differently
Trying to forget the things you said
The liquid in my cup a cherry red
Another night without you
Forgetting all the lies I bought into
Maybe I’ll forget your name
I was only a part of your game
I can’t see straight
All I did was take your bait
Maybe tonight I’ll find another
Trying so hard to find some other
Ended up in bed with someone new
I knew It was a mistake trusting you

it's complicated
i tell her
as i grip on to
the same coffee cup
i've been drinking from
for 2 weeks straight
because i wake up tired
because i don't sleep
because it's not complicated
that you just don't love me

I saw you across the room
And my heart leapt
It had been 5 months
The longest we’d been apart
It felt like the whole room
Was turned towards you
Waiting for this moment
For you to come home
And I’m on the outside
The forgotten one
By everyone but you
Who missed you most
And wanting to be the closest
And finally taking those steps

And you smile

And I smile back

And before I know it
My feet are carrying me
To you
And you open your arms to me
And they’re around my shoulders
And mine tight around your waist
And my face is pressed into your chest
And I almost start crying
As you whisper just to me
“It’s so good to see you”
And our heads hit
But neither of us noticed
As you held me so close
And finally we let go

And I smile

And you smile back

tangled up with you
and i forget
where i begin
and you end

i am but a blip
on this timeline
but you make me feel
like i'm the entire thing

maybe one day it'll be different
my heart won't shatter
when i hear your name
and my brain won't run
a million miles a minute

maybe one day it'll be different
i'll stand taller
i'll walk prouder
i'll forget you ever happened

maybe one day it'll be different
i'll forget your name ever broke me
or your voice ever shattered me
or that you were ever there at all

​a free drink
and a cold hand
was all it took
for a new beginning

i've hugged him twice in my life
once when everything was ok
and once when everything wasn't
but i said it was

I woke up to the usual empty bed
and ran my hand over your side
I turned to my side and looked down
to find a note
'be back in 5, darling'

I never knew what 5 meant
you never specified
it never was quite 5 minutes
but also not 5 hours
and I stare at that note for the millionth time, wondering what you mean

5 minutes passed and you still weren't home as I made my coffee
5 hours passed and you still weren't back when I got home from my run
5 days passed and you didn't answer any of my calls or texts
5 weeks passed and the divorce papers were mailed to me
5 months passed and I still can't find the guts to call you and tell you
5 years passed and I just can't tell her that her daddy left

5 years old and she asks so many questions
5 years old and its just me and her
5 years later she still won't know who you are
and I'm waiting for her to leave a note that says
'back in 5'