i wish there was something i could do
to keep you here
(safe
warm
willing
happy).

i wish i knew the secret to so many things
so i could make you
laugh
stare
come closer
smile.

i wish i could lie to you,
tell you it's all okay,
tell you it never happened,
it was just a dream, a dream, a dream--
a nightmare where the monsters were fake,
the things crawling inside you, threatening
to spill out and overtake your heart are fake.
(they're fake, darling, they're fakefakefake.)

i wish i could tell you you're
everything you think you're not
(silly
funny
awe-inspiring
beautiful).

but you're not here.
my arms are empty where they once held you.

I have never been to war. I have never seen another human being keel over in pain, bleeding and sobbing and crying out for the pain to stop as the result of my own hand. I have never held a real gun, a bomb, a knife, or any other weapon meant to maim or ****. I have never held contempt great enough for another human being that would cause me to end their life. I have never seen someone die.

     However, I have been in pain. My hair has been pulled, my face punched, my legs kicked, my arms bitten. I have been scratched and bruised and sore. I have been hurt. I have been stepped on, hit by passing masses, fallen down hills, scraped and ****** and broken and shaken to the core. I have shed many tears.

     I have seen people in true pain. I have heard the wails of a girl who cannot move, her spine so encased by scar tissue that her legs give her grief beyond measure. I have watched people grow weak and frail and thin and sickly. I have seen bruises bloom beneath their skin and tears fall from their eyes and their fists clench and turn white with strain. I have seen them curl up on the floor, life and light draining from their eyes. I have heard their cries for their lives to end.

     I may not have seen much, but I have seen a lot.

Lips chapped,
Hair a mess.
Love the feeling,
No one to impress.

You were never mine


Your eyes only hid secrets


It's better this way