Is it weird that I still think of you?

Its been nearly 3 years since we last spoke.

I only knew you for 1 year and 2 months.

But, when I think of everything we went through.

When I think of all the lessons we both learned, how hard so many of them were, how long it took to heal from them...

It’s hard not to wonder if you think of me too.

I don’t miss you anymore, I havent for a long time.

But I wonder.

I’ve hit a point where crashing no longer gives me whiplash.

Collapsing is normal, bruises are common.

I got lost alone in the woods at 3 am and prayed I wouldn't find my way back,

I’ve been swinging on the ropes a little too long.  My arms are tired.

24 years. 24 years. 24 years.

I am empty
Yet so full
All at once.

Our eyes met
Like magnets
Drawn in from a distance.
The way the beam from a lighthouse
Draws the attention of sailors.

Your gaze was instantly familiar
Like waking up to the smell of coffee
Or coming home from a storm.
Simultaneously bringing bright flashes
Of welcoming warmth and excitement.

I knock on the door, shaking.
They answer, tell me to come in.
"I am not my self" I say.
"That's okay" they say.
I hesitate, brace for impact.
"Its okay" they say.
I stumble, asking for forgiveness.
"For what?" they say.
"For everything"

The past four years have been a triumph of self loathing, of learning to apologize while regretting saying sorry.  I have felt I am not even a person without a bottle or a pill. I do not know where my story began, and where I wish it ended. But I am slowly learning to be okay, to accept myself, I think that is why it has taken me such a long time to write.

The thing is, I don't know who I am, I have been a couple different souls: some are weak, some are strong, some are as passive as ocean sand.

I'm 22, female, and lost.  

I have contemplated death many times, I've attempted it even more.  If you are still reading I applaud you.  Bless your soul.

Sincerely,
Still alive