Dear Sophie,
I should apologize.
for the way the sun shone in your eyes the day we met
It wasn’t love
Not at first,
not at last.
I should apologize
for the way I held your hand
so tenderly
like you were the one afraid of the world,
I should apologize for the kisses
for the car windows
for lying to your mom
I’m sorry.
For all the times I told you I was busy
I wasn’t.
You should have fallen in love with someone else
I deserved better
You should have fallen in love with someone else
You deserved better
You deserved better than a voicemail
than generated replies
than robotic tones
and transparent lies
Dear Sophie,
I should apologize
for the way the sun shone in your eyes the day we met
because I fell in love with it,
without realizing there were days
It wouldn’t shine.

baby, its not ******* pretty
the way i havent showered in, i think, going on a week?
it's not beautiful, the way my hair snarls around my fingers when i try to make myself look half-decent
it's not pretty or poetic or deep when
i cant get out of bed in the morning
it isnt tragically beautiful when i hurt myself to feel something
anything
depression isnt pretty
or poetic
or lovely
depression isnt pretty girls with long hair who cry in window seats next to rainy gray days
it's me.

my body has its own self-destruct button.
it's quite easy to push,
being located where my mistakes meet the anger,
i have concealed oh so eloquently,
for never being enough.

love is the matter-less air
*and sometimes we forget how much we need to breathe