sometimes I wonder what it will be like
if I see another day
I wonder if this will be the last thing I say

and by the way nothing turns out
how it's planned to be

and sometimes I'm just out doin my thing
tryin to be the best version of me
even the memories raise issues I tried to shed
got too many issues trapped up inside my head

what pride and humility just might do
what praise the phase of bruises black and blue
how's the self abusiveness?
how the tired toiling in uselessness

no, I'm not impressed with the work I've done
his shadow follows me even when I tried to run

some things never turn out how
they supposed to be
I guess the only one
I can change is me

one by one I count the pills inside my hand
ones for the hurt I give myself
and one is from that man

I feel a choke in the hold
the way he used to grab for the gold
silly putty organs
and flesh that molds

molds to the palms
molds to the fist
molds to the tears
molds each time he hits

cold confusion
swept up into the night
I say I'm sorry
but i know it's just a sorry night

somethings don't turn out how they
supposed to be
I guess the only one
I can change is me

self worth is weighed
by the gram
0.5 for me
and a pound for the man

heavy sedation
it's crazy what you remember
while wake walking in a dream state
apologies for the bad dreams
and hide the good ones to escape

burn baby burn
his love looks like fire
it isn't passion
it isn't lust
it's nothing to admire

3rd degree emotional burns
the each skin is sensitive
so **** whatever's heard

the man might say
it doesn't bother me
it's only that it's haunting me
I wish he would change
but only I can set me free

in many ways-
he's just like you...
but it doesn't make me miss you
any less.

there was an idea I thought up
originated in my esophagus
so I coughed it up
and out came something awful
information that made a mouthful
they like to say I mess with the wrong stuff
but nah I've been messin with the right ****
yeah // I ****** like it

I used to want a fancy funeral
but now I lost hope
and gave it up

waiting felt exciting
but dying once
was not enough

So I promised myself,
never again.

   But here we are...

today I felt more like myself
than usual

thinking outside of the box
I felt myself take a chance

I play the tape in my head
"just breathe"
in and out
my breath holds steady

so I felt more like myself
than I do usually

thinking outside the box
where there is no tape
necessary

so- what you running from?
nah- those cats on the corner they
"hella" dumb

ok, lets slow down
you not prepared to hit the ground
don't let the beast run its mouth
when I moved west to east town

I used to cry out why
because unlike sunny skies
I could never open my eyes
everyone I know would die

if I opened my mouth
out would come lies

only used to snorting synthetic white
**** faced used to crashin at night
the outspoken type
who's a lost pathetic dreamer
the poetic artistic type, a day dweller

caught in "coffins" in between ya
I'm coughing emphysema
sky scrapers in between
with no one knowing Andre Nickatina

I trace icy window sills with ashy fingertips
surpassed by the New York hustle
but only by minutes

I do this for *** heads
and kids I kicked it with as a teen
and insomniacs who still
raises the lid to catch sleep

and without it?
yeah I'm crazy and you mental too
I rock spiritual without a break to breathe
stop or interval

I'm from the state
where sunshine will never stop
and transferred to the state
which perfected the "rock"
where liberals stand
and conservatives call themselves the man

I don't want to
but I'm willed though
the city's filled with every skin tone

if I ever dream I think
I'll try and let it slip
and let my fingertips
trickle till I catch it