Since day one I knew I'd love you
I knew I'd never want to put you down
The more you grew and grew
I just couldn't wait to hold you that very first time
Seeing your precious face made me cry
I was so beyond happy to call you mine
You are my tiny little girl
I know eventually you won't need me
For now I enjoy your tiny hands and feet
Cuddles and kicks throughout the night
I fear for the day you'll want to sleep alone
I never realized how fast children grow
You used to be oh so very small
Some days I wish I could stop you from getting any bigger
Welcome to motherhood
I never believed anyone when they said it'd go by fast
It's as if I blinked and a year flew by
For my daughter,
May she never forget how much I love her.
The smell of your tobacco breath
Yellow stains on your index and middle fingers
All those things I used to miss
Oh how I must reminisce
Days where we'd scream and fight
The way you smelled after we'd makeup
That tobacco breath
The days I didn't really care
The names you'd scream and things you threw
The last thing we had ever shared
Stains between my ******* and index
Just laying alone on that old mattress
The idea that I stopped allowing anything but air to enter my lungs
It's astounding that I still feel like I'm utterly drowning
As though water trickles slowly into them to replace my previous endeavors
Everyone said that quitting was never easy and I never did listen
Nothing to replace the things I once found to be so dear besides the silence
There is no more fog clouding up my life and though it is said to be better
It's lead me to be more self reliant on how I handle my life
And the urges to go back happen seldom and come all at once
As though a flood gate of emotion has fallen
Though I miss the taste and smell as much as I miss the feeling of the relief
The idea that I relied on a puff and a drag of a poisonous stick
How sad, how pathetic.
I still have withdrawals.
I still refer to myself as fat.
I still occasionally skip meals.
I still crave all those pills.
I still have the urge to cry.
I still hate myself from time to time.
But you see, I'm still in recovery.
I've gained thirty pounds since I started.
I've not had any pills outside my prescriptions.
I've been able to call myself pretty.
I've not cried since the day I started this recovery.
I've at least been able to love myself most days.
So you see, I'm not just this pathetic little thing I used to be.
I'm afraid to say
That I know you're here
Liking my work
And I'm honestly scared
What if you don't like
What you see upon my wall
Or what I write in this secluded place
No one knows at all
I didn't think you'd find me
You have me concerned
No one's looked as deep as you
Just writing this simply burns
You've revealed that you have discovered
Something I hold very dear
And I wonder if you'll ever understand
This is my home, here
Some secrets were meant to remain secrets
You weren't supposed to tell me that way
That wasn't how I should've found out
And now I know
And I can't feel anything
Anything but what you said
In that shaky, quaky, terrified voice
Because I pressured you into spilling
More than just the tears that cascaded down your face right after
The break in your words
The hint of agony
Never again will I hear that
Because I will keep you safe
I swear it
My little flower
The girl who cried
Her tears were glass
Her eyes were numb
She filled the cup
With her blood
As everything poured out