i sometimes wonder why you still visit my mood swings,
left in abandoned playgrounds between my chest.
why you still visit even though the slides may only carry you down to somebody like me.
somebody difficult to love,
somebody who cannot tell the difference between crying and laughing anymore.
why you haven't left this soul,
who's bones can't seem to find enough strength to push my side of the sea saw,
who can't seem to move past three poles on the monkey bar,
simply because of the weight on top of my shoulders.
this flesh of complete brokeness that couldn't bare ringa ring rosie,
because at some point one gets tired of always falling.
i often wonder, why me.
why me, with all my chipped paint and countless dents.
why you still visit,
when this isn't the grass on other side that's greener.
because God knows,
i'd understand if you look for a park elsewhere.
a park worthy of you.

•

I don't understand,
Why people would say I am good,
I am not good,
I've been bad,
I am just trying to be good.

I don't understand,
Why people would say I am beautiful,
I am not beautiful!
When did I even become beautiful????
I never was,
And will never be!

I don't understand,
Why people would say I have a good voice,
Did they even hear me?
I sing only in my room,
My voice should only be heard by me,
'Cause never in my life did I have had a good voice.

I don't understand,
Why people would say I am smart,
I am never smart,
Never did it happen,
I am dull,
I always fail.

I don't understand,
Why people would say I am lucky,
You don't know my life,
You don't know what I have been dealing with,
I am not lucky,
I am dying and it's not lucky.

I cannot see the good in me,
'Cause I never have good in me,
All are bad with failures,
All are just trying,
But they never work,
All are not enough,
In all I do,
There's always people who look down on me,
And step me hard down to hell,
'Cause I don't do enough,
And never did I do enough.


Sometimes I always feel,
For many years,
That I just wanna hAng myself,
Or cut my throat,
Or overdose myself,
Drink toxic stuff,
Jump from a high building,
In any way I could **** myself,
Just to be free from pain,
It's ironic I am good giving advice to other people,
They said I helped them,
Never did they know,
That I never helped myself,
I guess it's better,
We can help other people,
Though honestly,
I am never good at advising,
Since I can't even hear my own words.

I don't understand,
Why life is just so unfair to me,
I can only see darkness,
Where's the light?




© Earl Jane
♥ E.J.C.S.

Don't you dare to desert a poet,
Her words will haunt you down.
Don't you dare to hurt a poet,
Her words will stab you 'til you're gone.
Don't you dare to change a poet,
Her words will just echo around.
Just don't dare to date a poet,
If you don't mean to keep her in your arms.