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 Jan 2017 Alexandra C
Gene
i'm forcing words out
just to fight the /lonely/

but it doesn't work
nothing ever does

not even twelve hours of sleep
not even chocolates or sweets
not even countless cat videos

nothing ever does

not even when i'm surrounded with people
the /lonely/ doesn't leave
company makes me more solitary

lying in bed alone at ten in the morning

feels
the
same
as

being with people but just faking happy

heck
the
former
is
more
comforting

so tell me
how do you heal this /lonely/

how do you break free from its chains
i've been a captive for so long
i don't even remember how to not be

who even am i without the /lonely/

but these days i can't even function properly
i'm sinking deeper
deeper
deeper

words used to make me stay afloat
but now they're just w o r d s

and i can't find salvation anywhere

so tell me
how do you fight this /lonely/

tell me
before it completely drowns me
i'm still in bed, i don't think i can do anything today / 11:19 am 010717
skin like a frozen chicken
tired eyes
and a voice like smoke
braindead
unwashed
and you tell me a joke

wanting to laugh
but deep within
a thought of death
troubled
exhausted
so save your breath

a kind soul
with smiling eyes
in good health
you can't get to know me
how can I know you
if I can't know myself
There's a leash attached
Around my neck,
Pressing against my throat,
Limiting my breathing.
On the other end,
Is any stranger or passerby
To look at me too long,
Or mutter a greeting.

They exchange the noose,
Hand it off
To the next person in line,
Without a word.

The pain in my chest
Is dictated by strangers,
Without my consent
Your actions control me.

Anxiety
Is a leash,
Tightly wound around me.
You know that feeling
That aching, rotting, empty
Pit in your stomach
Sickening and hollow pain
Numb anxiety
Brimming anger, lost reality
Secret anguish
Borderline Suicidal
 Jan 2017 Alexandra C
Corvus
Envy
 Jan 2017 Alexandra C
Corvus
There's a sea I sometimes find myself treading in,
Sometimes steady, sometimes drowning.
It's hard to stay afloat at times,
And I hallucinate people on ships sailing past me,
Not a care in the world, and I hate them;
Every imagined smile hurts like inhaling the saltwater.
But the worst thing is the monstrous shadow beneath the waves,
Huge and treacherous with eyes like emeralds,
It wants to swallow me whole and drag me down,
Into waters so deep that all becomes black.
And worst of all, when I hear that leviathan's rumbling roar,
I sometimes think it's coming from inside me.
As the satin colors
of the morning sky
with echoes of glory
for all to see
softly crescendo
my soul to a high
how can I not Lord,
think of Thee.
Just another suicidal night
Everything comes crashing in
Loss
      Pain
            Alone
Repeat
Over and over and over in my head
While my prayers bounce off the ceiling
While my tears fall mute on deafness

So I suffocate slowly suffering
Razors across my eyes
Filled with blood
Voices killing
All alone
nobody
nothing
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