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Alexa Oliveira Mar 2014
Well...

So things have gotten pretty interesting these last couple months. I learned a lot. I learned that i had lacked faith and faith and trust in my own self.

...The internet, your friends, and your family can only provide you with opinions and suggestions from their own lifestyle and projections. Just how i can suggest and provide an opinion with my own lifestyle and projection...

But do you know yourself...

.... this whole light workers ascension thing scared the **** out of me...

I had no idea i was so sensitive to everything...

But im not angry about that because it brought me to a better place...

.. i took the idea of me changing to an extreme...
that extreme meaning that everything i used to do was false, and everything i would try to do would be worse...

i stopped everything from sleeping a certain way, to eating a certain way, to speaking a certain way.. it cause an extreme anxiety...

i let the opinions of others define me..

and all i would do was wrap myself more and more into a drama that was falsely created in my head...


this is who i am...

My name is Alexa Oliveira. I am 21 years old. I love people, and people love me.

I am an empath.. which means i feel other peoples feelings, energies, and sometimes may pick up on their thoughts...

Their are ways which i had to learn this year about.. to help in keeping my own personal energy safe and not allowing myself to be drained by others...
such as grounding and shielding myself....

There was a great shift that occurred just recently. This shift was like a wave of supplemental change for all people, it hit me unexpectedly and causing an increasing amount of depression and anxiety.

I broke up with my boyfriend, i wallowed in a pity party for myself, and even got to the point where i started to believe i lost it..



Here's the truth....

I am currently depressed, and experiencing anxiety about my future.

I began taking a anti-depressant today. My family and friends are opinionated on it and i don't blame them..

I was a major non anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication person for a while.. if i felt upset i would just smoke ****... or drink.. or call a friend...

This is first time ever in my life that i felt like i couldnt control my thoughts.. i mean i was meditating i was relaxing or "trying" to relax.. but i couldnt.. it made it worse.. all i would do was run in circles...  

I spent more time worrying and wondering what other people thought about my situation.. instead of just letting it ride out or "going with the flow"... my therapist didnt want me to go on medication.. she wanted me to pretend like i was on vacation and that i wouldn't make any major decisions... to just breathe and allow...

Well lady, that's been tough...

See heres the thing.. im accelerating faster then a lot of people... so its harder for me to just stay in one zone and assume and or be patient...

my goals now though however are to remove the need to discuss with other people my current situation...

Nobody knows me.... nobody knows my feelings.. you cant diagnose me..

you cant tell me what i am or who i am...

God knows me...

It really is back to basics...

it really is rebuilding.. and allowing myself to have these feelings...

Look, im depressed. I know it.. i miss my mother.

But everything happens for a reason.

And i know that being on  an antidepressant doesnt mean im not going to cry anymore or think anymore...

But this antidepressant im on will definitely help with my anxiety that ive been having..

Im looking to while im on this medication to continue exercising, spending time with friends.. trying new things.. and meditating and doing yoga..also therapy has been quite helpful..
I made a promise to myself that if it self or depression related i would only discuss it with my therapist and doctor..

The world doent need to know my feelings, and i dont need to know the worlds feelings..

Right now i need to accept myself, and accept alexa....

Im not maniac, im not bipolar, im not ill, or "sick"

im literally going through a life process, a process in which i dont understand...

And that's alright... i'm totally comfortable with not getting it...

I have to be...

This is gods plan right..

my thing is having this medication will stabilze me to begin building my routine.

Rome wasnt built in a day even  these chemical suckers take time.. but i wouldnt say no to some chemical serotonin... especially since

i began to notice in myslef.. the negative aspect in me was really prominent...

This is a time of self love an acceptance...

Im not even mad that i looked for help...

But all i can do is focus on today..the now.. and allow life to proceed as it wishes...
Alexa Oliveira Mar 2014
Oddly enough...

My desires and wants change daily..
A few seem repetitive and or i guess in more of a clear want.
I desire much.
Its interesting to me.
Because most of the things i desire i wonder if they will truly give me happiness, or partial happiness...
I am an appreciative soul.
I dont abuse what i have.
So i dont believe i will lose love or faith in my newly found gifts.
I do however think my newly found gifts will fall short to endless gifts from God...
What im trying to get at is..
I can name things i want off of the top of my head...
Most of these things will provide pleasurable experiences.. but one thing can change all of that pleasure...
For example..
I would like to finish my living room, and or change into a comfier lifestyle.
I would like a sectional couch.. extremely comfortable
A plush blanket
An ottoman for my guests..
A table by the door..
A bookcase...
Tv and mount in my bedroom...
New shades
A spice rack
A grill for my backyard...
Thats just the house.....

So i sit and i think. Okay Alexa... yes these things are wonderful, and by god, you do deserve them...

But what if you get a call in august that the church has invited you for a full expenses paid trip to help people in Jerusalem... and that you will be compensated for your stay...
Or your cousin Amy invites you to stay with her in Australia.. and you live there on a work visa.. and help the community in your spare time...

Is a spice rack still important?

I guess im in quite the transition here...

Its feeling of do i just want these things to want them...

Or  is it because i know in my heart that i will be receiving them, and they just happened to become obsessed thoughts...

In retrospect, ive always received everything i desired.

They usually came faster when i stopped moping around asking for them...

one by one everything would fall to me..

I guess im just aware of the process...

Im very present lately.
Im seeking a stronger connection with faith and god at this point in my life.. and over the course of the next few weeks, i believe my connection with god, Jesus, and spirit will be so much stronger...

I do believe everything will fall into place.

New Job.
New Car.
New lifestyle...

Just a brand new me...

Things take time. I some how remain on a scaled level of thinking. Like i need this next week.. and if i dont have it next week..

then im never going to get it...

Now that ive expressed this...

im seeing things differently...

like...

If i make it clear that i want these things... then they are mine already in due time...

Because i can have a couch, and all of those things and still travel across the world..
why not!.
Im allowed that luxury...
Im allowed the luxury of having beauty..
A passport
A camera
A surfboard
A guitar..
A comfy home that holds my energy...
A new car that can take my anywhere i wanna go.
A job that gives me supreme peace of mind, and abundance....

I dont know Gods plan...

I just know that i have to trust him, that he will take care of me...

My ideas are..
To work at a peaceful job.. go to school at night...
Surf and Take pictures, and play the guitar in my spare time.
Hang out with friends, meet new friends...
go to church
maybe become a youth leader
Exercise Daily...
Have a beautiful, healthy, and inspiring relationship
fun and exciting moments.
travel.
roadtrips.
enjoying being my free spirit self
building myself
remaining focused
calm
and centered.
inspiring
****
i would love new tattoos
i would love to just become ME...
not hold back...
i feel like i break out of my cycle every day.
Always something different.
Feb 2014 · 282
Release
Alexa Oliveira Feb 2014
I notice that i am very impatient. Makes sense. I have always been this way. Except when i knew i had to remain calm. Im tired i guess. But then again i havent really put much work in. You see the more work i put in, the better and faster i will feel. Yet i seem to allow my past, and or the negative talk in my head to dictate my day. This is not fair and shouldn't be this way...
i mean my mom did say stop playing the victim, mourn and move on...
i guess i still have a bit of mourning to do.
it seems real now.
like as if somebody popped me on the head and was like.. hey .."remember this"?...
I get it  you know..
move past.. learn self love..
i mean thats the lesson here...
to learn self love, and keep it apparent...
i scared the **** out of myself last Saturday for holding so much in...
looks like i got a bit of it left...
good things are coming...
i mean..
i have had a good day...
cant say it was a bad day..
i had a nice morning grounding and meditating..
i just have an awkward feeling in my chest..
i guess the only thing keeping em afloat.. is
knowing that everything is temporary..and nothing lasts forever...
Feb 2014 · 278
Word.
Alexa Oliveira Feb 2014
The things I'd like to do to you....
My mind runs into you
You look at me with these eyes of certainty..
Yet I know you would never be with me...
So it's a glimpse of past and presence
A present, your energy is my gift
I would like to unwrap it
Touch it, feel it, acknowledge it's worth
Up against the wall
I would like to pull your hair...
And rip off your shirt
Bite your skin as if it were mine
Wine and dine you
Just to find you
You think you could make some time..
But you pull away as soon as I get close
Let me coast.. Cruise control from the post...
I'll back up slow.
Let you look for me..
But I'll hide , so you never know the real me...
Feb 2014 · 426
No reason to run...
Alexa Oliveira Feb 2014
Day by day is all i have...
What i choose to do with my time outside of work, will definitely define how much better i will feel while im at work... Im considering this my last week.. as i am so eager to look for work elsewhere. Im making my peace as they would call it... I was plotting to quit at 8am this morning, yet im here now at 9am, working on projects i couldn't have thought about starting last week...
The positives.. im making money, money to pay for next months rent, my fpl and cell phone bill...
Im also allowing myself to feel comfortable in a work environment with other people...
emotionally things get ******* up when you live in your head...
its really a four hour morning and a four hour evening... you cant beat that...
There is plenty to do and search for.
Especially related to life..
Friends are calling it a 2 more week period before they witness normal lex again... lol.. im more just interested in starting things back up.. like cooking for myself this week actually sounds like a pretty awesome idea...
When i get home tonight im going to review what i have in my fridge...
and work on cooking something special for myself..
I took benedryl for the first time last night, it made me incredibly drowsy..
which is interesting to me because nothing else seemed to work..
and benedryl is for allergies... i remember my dad used to take a benedryl to relax himself, it actually doesnt even seem to me like a bad idea...
But yeah so the reality of it is, im here today because i need to be here... I know god has my back and im doing the best i can with what i have.. It was quite the challenge at first to accept everything for what it is... but i have to see that the rpocess is a great one... its better to move onto bigger and better things and keep yourself calm then to remove yourself from everything.. just makes life a lot harder.. i mean **** going to work this week puts me ina better place..especially financially...
Jan 2014 · 2.0k
Im proud of myself...
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Im proud of myself because i never gave up..
Im proud of myself because i stared fear in the face, and i know god is protecting me
Im proud of myself for releasing, crying, and feeling the emotions within my body...
Im proud of myself for seeking answers, and always looking for a better way to live...
Im proud of myself for making supreme progress in the last 22 days...
Im proud of myself for making it through "rehab" month...
Im proud of myself for accepting my current circumstances.  
Im proud of myself for finding peace.
Im proud of myself for asking for change
Im proud of myself for doing the best i can.
Im proud of myself for understanding Mommy wants me to be happy, she wants me to have the best life, and live the life i know i deserve...
Im proud of myself for going to the park today, even though it was pouring rain..
Im proud of myself for hugging the tree.
Im proud of myself for self -talking myself.
Im proud i am sitting here at work today.
An hour ago, i didnt know how i would get here... but i did...
Im here, im listening to the bible, simply eating my bagel, waiting for some tasks or something...
i got to lunch in 3 hours... Not really that big of a deal to me anymore..
Then i come back, and i only have four hours...
This will be my routine until i leave.. Doesnt even sound like Work... Sounds like a day off... Just another location...

Ground/Exercise
Self Talk/ Music
Gratitude List/Listen to Bible Audio
Read the Bible/Read Books...
Lunch
Watch Movies
Meditate
Pray
Read the Bible
write poetry... create...
-----------------------------------------------
Looks like a great plan... Peace is here, Peace is Around me... Im changing. Wednesday of "Transformation Week"... im doing great!
Jan 2014 · 1.1k
Gratitude
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Im thankful for my job because i can feel peace here.
Im thankful for my job because i learned a lot of lessons here.
Im thankful for my job because of all of the wonderful people i work with.
Im thankful for my job because i make money here to pay my rent and my utilities
Im thankful for the BD she has helped me want to better myself.
Im thankful for the hours here
Im thankful that i dont have to chase patients down a hallway
Im thankful i am not a security guard
IM thankful that it is an 8 hour shift, with an hour lunch break
Im thankful for lunch break because i can go home, and pray in my home and or sit outside in PEACE.
Im thankful for my life today
Im thankful god gave me air
Im thankful for my home
Im thankful for my friends
Im thankful angel gave me a massage
Im thankful Will has forgiven me and wants to spend time with me.
Im thankful for my family.
Im thankful that Giselle and Alex care so much
IM thankful for my church
im thankful for my car
Im thankful for my breakfast and the food that which im granted today.
Im thankful for the bible, its many lessons and verses are inspiring..
Im thankful for Melissa, she has stood by me through this entire lesson.
Im thankful for my lesson, because it has made me stronger and see things from another perspective...
Jan 2014 · 842
Focus
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
This week focus are daily tasks....
Exercising
Eating 3 healthy meals
Prayer 3 times a day
Reiki for at least 20 mins
Sending out 5-10 resumes
Meditating for at least 10 mins
reading, writing, and listening to positive messages...

The focus is in the lotus...

And i can do anything...

I can not only get through this week.

But i will get a new job by next week.

I will be cool, calm and collected everyday, and by Friday night be at peace with myself..
Look back at January and laugh...  
Laugh because i know that im stronger now than i ever was...
God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors...

Afer losing mommy , i got straight A's. i played sports, i ran everyday, now that i think about it, i took very good care of myself.. i spent my week focusing on me, i would hang out with friends from time to time...

but i really did just focus on me, and what i wanted...

I remember it being tough... i remember thinking i would never feel better, i also remember having some days where i would just lay in bed...

i guess i was much more gentler at 16 then i was being weeks ago at 21....

5 years.. wow...

Seems like forever since then.

SO much has changed on many levels. Especially spiritual.

But i got through it...

Just like im getting through this...

When you relax the mind and the body, you then can focus...

I was so tense all the time.

Its nice to feel free for once...

Go with god.. He always fulfills our needs...
Jan 2014 · 1.7k
Transformation Week
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Universal Pull.
Its immense...
I stopped resisting.
I mean its transformation week...
I had to get a grip on my reality.
feeling funky may come with the territory, but its easily dissolved.
through exercising, reiki, prayer, journal... it dissolves.. it leaves you...
I learned a lot these last four weeks....
I had no idea how much faith  i lost in myself, i lacked a lot of energy.
Completely drained.. pushing on a force i couldn't see.
Today, i honestly feel happy for what i went through...
I was going no where fast...
Getting back to basics, builds momentum for a healthier, stronger path...
I learned some interesting things along the way...
The mind when not being used  to create, can lack motive and fall into a dark hole.
Or that "my words" actually do create my story...
Little behold a magical gift that i wasn't aware of...
Recognizing that those processes are temporary.
We all go through shifts of nature sometimes without realizing it.
I think the painful part was really letting go of the idea that i needed to stop worrying about everyone else, and would just find myself...
finding yourself requires patience. commitment. and willingness to be gentle.
i didn't have either of those qualities four weeks ago....
Now it really is a minute by minute process.
I do have major goals and dreams, but the universe is in alignment and will provide for me.
I have no doubt in my mind.
2014 is the year of Magic.
February is my month for self-love and fun!
Anything i want to do, i'm going to do it.
New job, New money, New experiences, new people...
So much, love, peace, and tenderness...
I feel in a sense that im being broken out of unhealthy, dysfunctional routine...
Drinking and Partying all the time isn't really my thing anymore for right now...
right now my thing is anything and everything that can bring me peace...
sometimes when your going through **** you lac kseeing what the outcome will be...
you immerse yourself deeper into the drama and darkness ...
but one of the things i learned is that, when you dont feel well, allow yourself to sit and think about it..
talk to a friend, a therapist, talk to god, pray...
see the messages you receive and then help your situation..
because a "pity party" can get tiring and draining.
Im one to talk..i spent the last 20 days, feeling sorry for my life...
"Whats wrong with me"
"why do i feel like this"
"Why now"
"When does it go away" (That was the big one)
... i literally wanted to feel peace without learning any of the things ive learned these past 20 days...  
and really your reality should be...
"Why am i feeling this way, why do i feel bad, sad, mad, or angry all the time".... these negative emotions are not who you are...
there is something deeper behind it... a lesson perhaps, or grief that you suppressed for years...
Its good to remain in peace daily, because then you are able to not only focus on self, but also undertsnad others...
Today-Friday is my transformation to my next level...
im already transforming, but this time its my last whoo rah...
anxiety and fear are wasteful...
they make you forget who you are...
I may not know who I AM....

but i do know WHAT I AM...
i Am strong
i am fearless
i am powerful
i am committed
i have faith
i am patient
i am peaceful
i am one with god almighty
i am light
Jan 2014 · 961
Rewrite the Story....
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Early Morning i glimpse at the sun and feel its warmth.
I know God has granted me another day to make positive change in the life of another as well feel love beyond my ego-self.
I go for a run, i feel the ground beneath my feet connecting me to the source of all energy and universal magic.
I sit in prayer.
I ask for wisdom, i express gratitude, and i collect the signs and messages needed for my spiritual self. I then prayer for others.
I drink water, i fill my body with hydration needed to relate to the bigger picture of "flow"
I make my smoothie, my breakfast, my delicious beginning of another movement of POWER.
I shower. I cleanse my body of the impurities it holds, and toxic aura crumbles swiftly fall down the drain into the depths of the ground...
I put on clothes... Clothes that hold the energy of someone who is in gods grace. Clothes that i have worked for, or have been blessed with its presence.
I call him... i ask him about his dreams, what makes him grateful, and how he plans to spend his day...
my words flow off my tongue with excitement, as i am eager to see his face....
I listen intently... holding onto to every word he speaks...
I express myself.. I feel love and warmth and peace within...
I pack up, and go to my car.
I turn on the ignition thanking god and asking for his protection and knowledge throughout my day, as he speaks through me to form the common good....
I go to work...
at work i feel this immense need to be present and observant in the activities.
I walk around i check on everyone. I make myself known as the one for whomever to express themselves  too...
i sit and i stand...i make an effort to elaborate all needs will be taking care of for the good of all people.
I dont stumble.
I review my thoughts carefully and do my best to remain in solid force..
i free myself from ties that are no longer helpful.
I spend my weekends in the water and or in some sort of activity. I feed my soul on the daily words, and noises, and in company of those who chooses to benefit themselves and others.
I watch anything of interest. I feel complete in my views..
When negativity strikes,  i recognize the feeling and nip it in the bud...
I don't dwell on past experiences, i simple on focus on what is in front of me, and continue to look forward to my goals.
I am closer to family, i spend my Sundays, and my vacation days with my father and my uncle.
I keep peace among family members...
I travel when opportunities present themselves.
I also take pictures as a hobby of anything i find to be interesting...
I listen to the sound of my baby brother play the drum
He is magical.
Anxiety does not exist.
it isn't apart of me.
it was removed.
sleep comes as natural as it can, sometimes with assistance i may need to drink a hot tea or take a sleep supplement...
but i truly focus on the health and wealth of my body.
With the money i make i spend on things that feed my soul, such as art, music, gifts for friends and family, as well as trips around the world..
you can here my camera click at all times of the day...
truly free to the core..
i let go of control.
no expectations..
god is guiding me towards something bigger then myself....
I do not question his mystery.
I do not question  his reasons for doing things....
However, i do respond with the upmost faith , that my life is meant to be one full of love, happiness, peace and prosperity...
This is my story...

And it begins today...
Jan 2014 · 399
The Magic...
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Magical swords they cut cords of lords
and break down doors of boarders
that have made you feel like you were
lost in disorder
so you agree for a fee of righteousness
to drop down on your knees and pray for all that is biased...
But the word of god speaks..clearly.
Why fight with our own flesh
when there is something higher ..willing to take us to progress
why stress..
yes..
for those who accept the tools of the almighty they are fine and in time can recline
and wine and dine with those who are so giving...
your mind plays tricks because it doesn't know the complexity of the soul..
thanks so much for your timely approach but now it is time to go...
my thought process is "wicked" how obnoxious.. now seeking to tone down noises..
begging unseen walls for new choices...
Luckily ive been blessed enough to have 3 guides and teachers and a wonderful man....
A family to love me and care for me as i went through a spiral..short period of change.. hit harder than a mile...
tomorrow i meet with another guide. i do believe she will be a friend to the end and will always provide...
she will find me indifferent, amusing and specific...
she will reassure of my gifts, my beauty, my spirit...
In less than two weeks, ill laugh at this.. look at myself in the mirror, and throw a kiss...
im beautiful now.. i was beautiful then.. i needed to wake up and see my true friend..
my soul....
It only gets better from here....
My magical Year
Jan 2014 · 957
Patience...
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Patience is key to being a better me...
Shook me up, just so i can see..
That their is more to me than my old reality...
I am stronger than yesterday, so that makes me believe,
and know, that i will be the one to glow..
no need to wait two weeks to agree..
just as long as each day i remember who to be..
even though it may feel scary and tough...
before i came to earth i asked for it rough...
but i asked for it quick..
and it makes senses it really does click...
who would want days of dismissed tips and heart rips..
when their should more than love, and someone to kiss...
leaving the darkness picking up the pieces.. walking towards the light..
and yes i mean jesus..
lost all my belief, left myself weak...
now im believing in today, and just enjoying the shoes on my feet..
why not let jesus fight my battle for me...
he knows what to do..
i pray to him everyday....
all day... he is the reason that i am alive and that i am okay...
Jan 2014 · 1.0k
Balance....
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
I've been spending close to about two weeks with family...
I missed my family.
Their quirks....their likes and dislikes...
I found myself shedding my skin ...
Emotionally exposing another side of me.
I returned to my home last night.... Briefly.
To clean....
To pray...
To establish my energy.
My home is beautiful.
I'm thankful for it...
But if I wouldn't have left it.. I wouldn't have appreciated it. Missed it.
I find that to be incredibly unfortunate.
Especially since I was actually saying "thank you lord for me home"....
That's why balance is so essential.
Go home weekly.
Stop in and say hi...
Or if you don't have a family or a family home...
Go see a friend...
Or go to a Church...
Take a long bike ride..
A walk , a drive...
Whatever... Get out of your routine.
Make your life your own.
This concept I would preach but I would not follow.
It's nice to see it now for what it is....
I made plans to learn how to dance bachata Friday night...
I made plans to learn how to surf Saturday...
And I made plans to ride a bike on Monday...
Each week... I want to dedicate my time to something I've never done or have always wanted to do.
And that's how I am goin to live my life this year...
The local restaurant and bar will leave you full with a headache the next day. But exploring new surroundings and establishing new energies will help you in your growth....
Explore your madness...
Balance it out.
Jan 2014 · 845
Write about it....
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
You snooze you lose...
It was something like that they used to say...
But I was always sleep deprived.
Mentally blocked.
Insomniac of some sort that would wake up 3 or 4 times in the night....
You don't learn anything unless you really pay attention.
Awareness.
Subconscious.
Culture.
It's remarkable.
Most people do as others do.
They don't recognize their individuality until their married with four children and a mortgage an then decide they wanted to be a pirate or a movie star when there life is half way over.....
Not knocking those types of people. I thank god they eventually found their movement or had the courage to begin writing that novel that took them 10 years to think about.
But being 21...
I don't know who I am.
I'm not too sure of what I'm looking to be either.
Most of the time when people ask me what are you like or what do you like, I say... "I'm a great kid"... "And I see things differently"...
That's about it.
Life has many stepping stones for us...
Sometimes we trip on similar stones without even noticing...
But I do know that my life has always gone forward...
And my downs don't go that down anymore...
Well last week I was down.. But that's because I didn't what the hell was going on...
But once you figure it out...
You can utilize the tools you were blessed with emotionally, spiritually, and socially to then go ahead and review your issue....
The bible says the god an the devil will test us...
I disagree however...
I don't see it as a test really...
I see it as an evolution....
You cannot grow without change..
I believe the test itself is to not emotionally charge your reactions to certain things and begin viewing them from a more logical and analytical perspective. ...
But that is a test of the "flesh" ... Not of the almighty...
The almighty is within us.
He loves us.
He adores our souls.
He wants us to change, to grow... So we can be with him/her/universe.....
I think the real question is...
Are you willing to write about it?
Jan 2014 · 701
In the Morning....
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Perspective plays a major role in the emotional control one has on their life.
For example, I began to see yesterday that I have nothing to be anxious about.
I'm safe, loved, protected and blessed.
I noticed a few things changed.
I need to ground myself and my body before I go out into the world.
I need an exercise regimen to release toxins and or some sort of release to let go of built up tension, anger or frustration... Like speaking with a therapist weekly or a counselor.
I needed to seek gods word and his truth.
I needed to live alone in my home, so I can grow and evolve and understand my process better.
I needed to live in the present and do my best daily to avoid thinking ...
Thinking of things that didn't exist...
Yesterday when I began to worry I would say.. "God will provide" and the worry went away...
I also noticed that my sensitivity level has changed...
Alcohol , poorly cooked foods and some  energies needed to be completely removed or I needed to learn how to deflect them...
This process has made me more aware of my body, my mind and my soul....
I'm thankful to god this morning for my evolution....
Jan 2014 · 2.7k
Let Go. Let God.
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
I must have heard "Let go, Let God". 36764895038567 billion, trillion times before.
I never took it into account of what it was actually telling me to do.
I mean i would say i was a child of god.
I would pray to him, or at least thank him for getting me to work in the morning.
But it had been awhile since i established a relationship with him/her/energy/universe (Whatever you believe in)...
Last March, i was unemployed for 6 weeks. Moping around, hopeless, applying to job after job, confused, upset... I had a place lined up for me, and didnt know how i was going to pay the deposit, or buy furniture.. literally in and out of my head....
But there was a " knowing" ... there was a feeling inside of me. I would say everyday when i woke up, that i would get a new job, and i would move into my place. I started painting my place before i even signed the lease.... i put all my belief into the things i wanted... i held nothing back...
And little be hold 6 weeks later, not only was i blessed with the money for my lease...i was hired at a new job the same day i moved into my place.....
So i did " let go, let god" .... i began believing in something  i couldn't see.. and put my faith and soul into my desires....
So about a week ago i began suffering anxiety attacks.... mind you i have had anxious moments before... still i did my best to avoid the signs.. still continued on the same process and routine.. still drank and ate crap.. i ignored ALL signs...
i would literally feel anxious in my home.. but would let myself believe it was something minor...
well little behold it was a movement i sure wasn't ready for....
I legit felt like i went CRAZY... i couldnt think straight.. i felt the world was crashing down on me... i went to the hospital and they gave me anxiety meds....which i needed the first few days... plus i think they are good to have.. sill though there are always signs....
one doesnt need to have anxiety attacks to learn they have to change or take care of themselves... this is when being aware of your surroundings and listening to your soul comes into play...
Im aware of this now. Not going to lie... i spent the last 10 days worrying that i would never be myself again... but my old self is not my better self. my old self was a worry wort who expected things to always go a certain way... but if you actually relax and dont have expectations... dont get me wrong..set some goals here people... but dont necessarily obsess over them..
BUt i feel god has made me UNCOMFORTABLE... for a reason....
i wouldnt have taken notice to my life or lifestyle if he hadnt...
i think i was more devastated and willing to resist this whole process cause i was like ummmm yeah im a ****** i need to go home into my own bed...
until today when i realized how blessed i am. im blessed to have family that will let me stay with them. im blessed to have god willingly taking me and giving me an opportunity to change and grow...
im blessed to shed tears and heal layers of my soul that i didnt know even existed...
im blessed to have learned at a such a young age of 21 that life is what you make it....
God has a plan for you...
You may not undertsnad his plan....
but his ways are bigegr than your ways...
and his thoughts are way bigger than your thoughts...
so if you place your faith in higherpower/god/him/her/universe...
you will see change....
when you completely utterly let go... and have a kind of "****-it" attitude....
you will be moved...
even though i am walking out of the darkness this past week...
i am doing my best to stay afloat...
each day i will get better...
there is no doubt about that...
LET GO. LET GOD.
Jan 2014 · 941
I made it...
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Day 9....
I mean I woke up today. And even with all the anxiety I felt in my chest. I went to the park. I prayed. I grounded myself. I got dressed. I came to work. It's 2:30pm here. Wow....
I'm proud of myself.
I am stronger than I thought.
It takes a strong person to come out of such a state of mind to .. Keep pushing and moving.
I have yoga tonight at 8pm at the beach.
It's going to be very healing to do the different positions and lay on the sand.
The more earth the better.
The less crap in my head the better...
The crap is really just fear ... But I've been asking god and my angels to take that away....
They are here and helping...
Part of me is aware I'll be okay.
And the other part is a lot smaller than before. It's there though. And I have to embrace it...
3 more hours to go...
Tonight I'll sleep better...
Jan 2014 · 1.8k
So if im special...
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
im starting to understand it now.
i mean... none of this is truly my fault....
theres nothing to really fear to begin with...
if those who are walking the earth, and those who are in other realms are telling me im safe...
why do i feel so full of fear...
well a few reasons...
its a lot easier to fear something then stand up to it an challenge it...
my body is going through one hell of a mental and emotional detox...
i still dont know how i made it past tuesday...
all who have spoke to me have said that "this shall pass"....
i guess im just not really interested in asking why anymore....
i get the "why"...
i mean...im special...
im light...
im changing.. transforming whatever have you...
not really the type of conversation you want to have at the dinner table with your family...
i guess i can only expect "special" type of people to understand...
yet, im equally curious and anxious about what is next...
which is why im doing my best to simulate peace and or some type of understanding...
i cant describe much the way my hear and stomach feel...
kinda like a little kid who is afraid of their first day of school...
or knows there in trouble... so thy feel like hiding in their bedroom...
truthfully...
i really want to feel better.
i want to feel safe, and relaxed in my own home.. my own environment....
i guess my main goal is to completely stop worrying about what i cant control..
and just focus on what i can...
- grounding
- praying
- laughing
- joking

Addy said to stop being so ******* myself..
that this is a beautiful process...
to wait until im more secure and feel more protected...
i guess thats my main goal..
thinking about work tomorrow...does make me wonder..
like what really is the factor here...
Jan 2014 · 701
I AM
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
the new plan begins with specifics...
a lot of **** yous, thank yous, and no need for gimmicks.
free the mind. free the spirit.
shed the ego.
get with it...
too much drama over here i need balance...
life is meant to be joyous and full of great moments and experiences....
so there really is no need for overwhelmed anxiety appearances.
its a mental game.
i no longer want to play...
i rather have a migraine
Jan 2014 · 593
release me...
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
its easier to describe my feelings inside..
deprived.
no air to breathe out to the trees
i feel weak in my knees.
ive been on a roller coaster ride...
scared of letting go of pride...
scared of being FREE...
the ultimate idea of faith..
allowing the lord and life to take care of you...
no worries or anxiousness..
knowing you didnt choose this...
but higher power approved it...
so is it better to sit here and observe?
or is it better to sit here and release...
my boyfriend is worried that we are breaking up...
my main concern is he ready to WAKE UP...
because im shifting.
im becoming stronger. im learning to let go.
im learning to be free and see myself as me.
im shedding layers built on lies...
im asking god to back me up as i try...
as i try to LET GO....
i know he has a plan for me...
and i know being sick, and scared is not in his plans...
so i no longer care to resist....
my thoughts have controlled me for too long..
and now i wish to control them...
whatever grip on "normal" is not normal..
its the idea of being like everyone else..
just to say you are everyone else...
but what if i just want to be alexa....
what if i just want to dance, and laugh, and see the world...
its colors, its food, its people....
their laughter, their likes and dislikes....
their is more to see... and the secret is their is no secret...
its called being free..
release me....
Sep 2013 · 1.2k
The Effects
Alexa Oliveira Sep 2013
Light switches
Attentive *******
Bowls of liquor
Your ignorance is my enjoyment
Please let me take your picture
Capture seconds that are unrelated
As all your stances represent fixtures
Of people you thought you knew
Most of you are off that richter
Scales
No balance beam
Is there a libra in the room
I need someone to chat with
No disrespect to my main
He's on his cat ****
Well
As I figure out which that an other story to tell
Most of you in here aren't formulated to my program
None of you were at day ones loss of words  
Or there for my off topic turnarounds like a ceiling fan
Crucial thoughts
As I move into another room
Remaining in a lucid shock
Fluid stares for everyone who remains in a box...
Party just started
Now I'm looking for a shot
I wanna forget it all but take everything you got
I'm drippen in gold
An expensive Taste...
I can afford a quarter for that pop
And if u wanna know about me I simply say just watch...
I feel like I should get quiet
Move out my spot
But I'm currently happy
On my journey up to the top....
So for the circle theory kids
Dreaming cars full in the lot...
Nobody can ever tell you to stop....


The effects.
Sep 2013 · 316
The Rapture
Alexa Oliveira Sep 2013
Unfortunately for you
I've been in this game way too long.
Reckless in my vernacular.
Baby welcome to the rapture...
Alexa Oliveira Sep 2013
You
All and every word in this poem is going to be about you....
You
The way you make me feel when I'm laying next to you...
You
The way you give me chills when you breathe on my chest you..
You
The way you say the right things at the right times bless you...
You
How you take the worry and stress away you..
You
The way you are down for everything I wanna do you...
You
Found a way to break my walls down you...
You
Thoughts of touching you...
You
Thoughts of loving you...
You
Thoughts of sexing you...
You
Thoughts of taking you...
You
How can all of this be so true you...
You
Let's take turns on this bed baby you....
Let's lay out in this sun baby you...
You
No rush baby, I just need be near You...
You
SunChild your my water and my fire
I need to feel you....
You
Have no idea what I've been going through...
And thank god in the morning that I found YOU!


Peace.
Sep 2013 · 934
Get my feet wet...
Alexa Oliveira Sep 2013
Suspects questionable upsets
No remorse for the few who fall in love with objects .
Rude off the matter I choose to change subjects
No invitation to the patient
This is progress
My individual critical analysis
Is insusceptible to your *******
I can be pompous
But furthermore I've opened doors
And the fairytales of little ******
Will ensure broken masses
And I'm usually the type to forget to wear my glasses
I can't see much past this
But hey
I'm off in la la land today
And my ***** Ian still preaching that I'll be okay
But okay
Give me a way
Ill hop on board and travel backwards
Just so I can I see the future in another's past tense
Makes sense?
Regardless of the few who choose to listen
My words are meant for the open minded subscription
Or the sign up sheet at open mic
I forgot to mention
Glorify that ***** who speaks her mind
She needs attention
Her watches are kind of loud
Please tell her tone it down
The tick to her tick
Has me feeling bound
But oh well
See if your *** hurts
You should be the one to switch chairs first
Or maybe introduce yourself to Mr. Blue shirt
What a flirt
Anyways
For any of you here part of the renegade
The explosions that be going off in a timely fade
Resume conversation after I leave the stage peace
Sep 2013 · 636
The invite.
Alexa Oliveira Sep 2013
Clearly I've been weary.
Upset at the fact
That I can't embrace light
When it's been given to me
He fell out the sky
What I guy
He's so into me
An he's not even tryin to get into me
Frankly...
I mean of course he is
But it's different now
He's the one that's tryin to give
His broken hearted pieces on the floor im trippen over them
Hearts been racing like I'm hopped up on some sodium
And be trying act and stay cool like that plutonium
And kiss his lips so strongly
Like I'm speaking at a podium...
And speaking to these people like im equal
But I even after the first
I don't care to make a sequel
Yet my guides have been telling me he has something to teach you
No gimmicks
Biggest critic
I get nervous when I see him
I wanna be the prettiest in the room
Even tho the lights are dim
But hey what I can say
I can express letters all day
And make love to the sounds of his foot steps
No foul play
I wanna show him what I've known for the longest
But maybe he's the one
Who needs to be the strongest
And all I have to do
Is to stay true to my to do list
And make sure he's the only one at the awards to come with...

— The End —