Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Perspective plays a major role in the emotional control one has on their life.
For example, I began to see yesterday that I have nothing to be anxious about.
I'm safe, loved, protected and blessed.
I noticed a few things changed.
I need to ground myself and my body before I go out into the world.
I need an exercise regimen to release toxins and or some sort of release to let go of built up tension, anger or frustration... Like speaking with a therapist weekly or a counselor.
I needed to seek gods word and his truth.
I needed to live alone in my home, so I can grow and evolve and understand my process better.
I needed to live in the present and do my best daily to avoid thinking ...
Thinking of things that didn't exist...
Yesterday when I began to worry I would say.. "God will provide" and the worry went away...
I also noticed that my sensitivity level has changed...
Alcohol , poorly cooked foods and some  energies needed to be completely removed or I needed to learn how to deflect them...
This process has made me more aware of my body, my mind and my soul....
I'm thankful to god this morning for my evolution....
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
I must have heard "Let go, Let God". 36764895038567 billion, trillion times before.
I never took it into account of what it was actually telling me to do.
I mean i would say i was a child of god.
I would pray to him, or at least thank him for getting me to work in the morning.
But it had been awhile since i established a relationship with him/her/energy/universe (Whatever you believe in)...
Last March, i was unemployed for 6 weeks. Moping around, hopeless, applying to job after job, confused, upset... I had a place lined up for me, and didnt know how i was going to pay the deposit, or buy furniture.. literally in and out of my head....
But there was a " knowing" ... there was a feeling inside of me. I would say everyday when i woke up, that i would get a new job, and i would move into my place. I started painting my place before i even signed the lease.... i put all my belief into the things i wanted... i held nothing back...
And little be hold 6 weeks later, not only was i blessed with the money for my lease...i was hired at a new job the same day i moved into my place.....
So i did " let go, let god" .... i began believing in something  i couldn't see.. and put my faith and soul into my desires....
So about a week ago i began suffering anxiety attacks.... mind you i have had anxious moments before... still i did my best to avoid the signs.. still continued on the same process and routine.. still drank and ate crap.. i ignored ALL signs...
i would literally feel anxious in my home.. but would let myself believe it was something minor...
well little behold it was a movement i sure wasn't ready for....
I legit felt like i went CRAZY... i couldnt think straight.. i felt the world was crashing down on me... i went to the hospital and they gave me anxiety meds....which i needed the first few days... plus i think they are good to have.. sill though there are always signs....
one doesnt need to have anxiety attacks to learn they have to change or take care of themselves... this is when being aware of your surroundings and listening to your soul comes into play...
Im aware of this now. Not going to lie... i spent the last 10 days worrying that i would never be myself again... but my old self is not my better self. my old self was a worry wort who expected things to always go a certain way... but if you actually relax and dont have expectations... dont get me wrong..set some goals here people... but dont necessarily obsess over them..
BUt i feel god has made me UNCOMFORTABLE... for a reason....
i wouldnt have taken notice to my life or lifestyle if he hadnt...
i think i was more devastated and willing to resist this whole process cause i was like ummmm yeah im a ****** i need to go home into my own bed...
until today when i realized how blessed i am. im blessed to have family that will let me stay with them. im blessed to have god willingly taking me and giving me an opportunity to change and grow...
im blessed to shed tears and heal layers of my soul that i didnt know even existed...
im blessed to have learned at a such a young age of 21 that life is what you make it....
God has a plan for you...
You may not undertsnad his plan....
but his ways are bigegr than your ways...
and his thoughts are way bigger than your thoughts...
so if you place your faith in higherpower/god/him/her/universe...
you will see change....
when you completely utterly let go... and have a kind of "****-it" attitude....
you will be moved...
even though i am walking out of the darkness this past week...
i am doing my best to stay afloat...
each day i will get better...
there is no doubt about that...
LET GO. LET GOD.
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Day 9....
I mean I woke up today. And even with all the anxiety I felt in my chest. I went to the park. I prayed. I grounded myself. I got dressed. I came to work. It's 2:30pm here. Wow....
I'm proud of myself.
I am stronger than I thought.
It takes a strong person to come out of such a state of mind to .. Keep pushing and moving.
I have yoga tonight at 8pm at the beach.
It's going to be very healing to do the different positions and lay on the sand.
The more earth the better.
The less crap in my head the better...
The crap is really just fear ... But I've been asking god and my angels to take that away....
They are here and helping...
Part of me is aware I'll be okay.
And the other part is a lot smaller than before. It's there though. And I have to embrace it...
3 more hours to go...
Tonight I'll sleep better...
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
im starting to understand it now.
i mean... none of this is truly my fault....
theres nothing to really fear to begin with...
if those who are walking the earth, and those who are in other realms are telling me im safe...
why do i feel so full of fear...
well a few reasons...
its a lot easier to fear something then stand up to it an challenge it...
my body is going through one hell of a mental and emotional detox...
i still dont know how i made it past tuesday...
all who have spoke to me have said that "this shall pass"....
i guess im just not really interested in asking why anymore....
i get the "why"...
i mean...im special...
im light...
im changing.. transforming whatever have you...
not really the type of conversation you want to have at the dinner table with your family...
i guess i can only expect "special" type of people to understand...
yet, im equally curious and anxious about what is next...
which is why im doing my best to simulate peace and or some type of understanding...
i cant describe much the way my hear and stomach feel...
kinda like a little kid who is afraid of their first day of school...
or knows there in trouble... so thy feel like hiding in their bedroom...
truthfully...
i really want to feel better.
i want to feel safe, and relaxed in my own home.. my own environment....
i guess my main goal is to completely stop worrying about what i cant control..
and just focus on what i can...
- grounding
- praying
- laughing
- joking

Addy said to stop being so ******* myself..
that this is a beautiful process...
to wait until im more secure and feel more protected...
i guess thats my main goal..
thinking about work tomorrow...does make me wonder..
like what really is the factor here...
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
the new plan begins with specifics...
a lot of **** yous, thank yous, and no need for gimmicks.
free the mind. free the spirit.
shed the ego.
get with it...
too much drama over here i need balance...
life is meant to be joyous and full of great moments and experiences....
so there really is no need for overwhelmed anxiety appearances.
its a mental game.
i no longer want to play...
i rather have a migraine
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
its easier to describe my feelings inside..
deprived.
no air to breathe out to the trees
i feel weak in my knees.
ive been on a roller coaster ride...
scared of letting go of pride...
scared of being FREE...
the ultimate idea of faith..
allowing the lord and life to take care of you...
no worries or anxiousness..
knowing you didnt choose this...
but higher power approved it...
so is it better to sit here and observe?
or is it better to sit here and release...
my boyfriend is worried that we are breaking up...
my main concern is he ready to WAKE UP...
because im shifting.
im becoming stronger. im learning to let go.
im learning to be free and see myself as me.
im shedding layers built on lies...
im asking god to back me up as i try...
as i try to LET GO....
i know he has a plan for me...
and i know being sick, and scared is not in his plans...
so i no longer care to resist....
my thoughts have controlled me for too long..
and now i wish to control them...
whatever grip on "normal" is not normal..
its the idea of being like everyone else..
just to say you are everyone else...
but what if i just want to be alexa....
what if i just want to dance, and laugh, and see the world...
its colors, its food, its people....
their laughter, their likes and dislikes....
their is more to see... and the secret is their is no secret...
its called being free..
release me....
Alexa Oliveira Sep 2013
Light switches
Attentive *******
Bowls of liquor
Your ignorance is my enjoyment
Please let me take your picture
Capture seconds that are unrelated
As all your stances represent fixtures
Of people you thought you knew
Most of you are off that richter
Scales
No balance beam
Is there a libra in the room
I need someone to chat with
No disrespect to my main
He's on his cat ****
Well
As I figure out which that an other story to tell
Most of you in here aren't formulated to my program
None of you were at day ones loss of words  
Or there for my off topic turnarounds like a ceiling fan
Crucial thoughts
As I move into another room
Remaining in a lucid shock
Fluid stares for everyone who remains in a box...
Party just started
Now I'm looking for a shot
I wanna forget it all but take everything you got
I'm drippen in gold
An expensive Taste...
I can afford a quarter for that pop
And if u wanna know about me I simply say just watch...
I feel like I should get quiet
Move out my spot
But I'm currently happy
On my journey up to the top....
So for the circle theory kids
Dreaming cars full in the lot...
Nobody can ever tell you to stop....


The effects.
Next page