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Alexa Oliveira Mar 2014
Well...

So things have gotten pretty interesting these last couple months. I learned a lot. I learned that i had lacked faith and faith and trust in my own self.

...The internet, your friends, and your family can only provide you with opinions and suggestions from their own lifestyle and projections. Just how i can suggest and provide an opinion with my own lifestyle and projection...

But do you know yourself...

.... this whole light workers ascension thing scared the **** out of me...

I had no idea i was so sensitive to everything...

But im not angry about that because it brought me to a better place...

.. i took the idea of me changing to an extreme...
that extreme meaning that everything i used to do was false, and everything i would try to do would be worse...

i stopped everything from sleeping a certain way, to eating a certain way, to speaking a certain way.. it cause an extreme anxiety...

i let the opinions of others define me..

and all i would do was wrap myself more and more into a drama that was falsely created in my head...


this is who i am...

My name is Alexa Oliveira. I am 21 years old. I love people, and people love me.

I am an empath.. which means i feel other peoples feelings, energies, and sometimes may pick up on their thoughts...

Their are ways which i had to learn this year about.. to help in keeping my own personal energy safe and not allowing myself to be drained by others...
such as grounding and shielding myself....

There was a great shift that occurred just recently. This shift was like a wave of supplemental change for all people, it hit me unexpectedly and causing an increasing amount of depression and anxiety.

I broke up with my boyfriend, i wallowed in a pity party for myself, and even got to the point where i started to believe i lost it..



Here's the truth....

I am currently depressed, and experiencing anxiety about my future.

I began taking a anti-depressant today. My family and friends are opinionated on it and i don't blame them..

I was a major non anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication person for a while.. if i felt upset i would just smoke ****... or drink.. or call a friend...

This is first time ever in my life that i felt like i couldnt control my thoughts.. i mean i was meditating i was relaxing or "trying" to relax.. but i couldnt.. it made it worse.. all i would do was run in circles...  

I spent more time worrying and wondering what other people thought about my situation.. instead of just letting it ride out or "going with the flow"... my therapist didnt want me to go on medication.. she wanted me to pretend like i was on vacation and that i wouldn't make any major decisions... to just breathe and allow...

Well lady, that's been tough...

See heres the thing.. im accelerating faster then a lot of people... so its harder for me to just stay in one zone and assume and or be patient...

my goals now though however are to remove the need to discuss with other people my current situation...

Nobody knows me.... nobody knows my feelings.. you cant diagnose me..

you cant tell me what i am or who i am...

God knows me...

It really is back to basics...

it really is rebuilding.. and allowing myself to have these feelings...

Look, im depressed. I know it.. i miss my mother.

But everything happens for a reason.

And i know that being on  an antidepressant doesnt mean im not going to cry anymore or think anymore...

But this antidepressant im on will definitely help with my anxiety that ive been having..

Im looking to while im on this medication to continue exercising, spending time with friends.. trying new things.. and meditating and doing yoga..also therapy has been quite helpful..
I made a promise to myself that if it self or depression related i would only discuss it with my therapist and doctor..

The world doent need to know my feelings, and i dont need to know the worlds feelings..

Right now i need to accept myself, and accept alexa....

Im not maniac, im not bipolar, im not ill, or "sick"

im literally going through a life process, a process in which i dont understand...

And that's alright... i'm totally comfortable with not getting it...

I have to be...

This is gods plan right..

my thing is having this medication will stabilze me to begin building my routine.

Rome wasnt built in a day even  these chemical suckers take time.. but i wouldnt say no to some chemical serotonin... especially since

i began to notice in myslef.. the negative aspect in me was really prominent...

This is a time of self love an acceptance...

Im not even mad that i looked for help...

But all i can do is focus on today..the now.. and allow life to proceed as it wishes...
Alexa Oliveira Mar 2014
Oddly enough...

My desires and wants change daily..
A few seem repetitive and or i guess in more of a clear want.
I desire much.
Its interesting to me.
Because most of the things i desire i wonder if they will truly give me happiness, or partial happiness...
I am an appreciative soul.
I dont abuse what i have.
So i dont believe i will lose love or faith in my newly found gifts.
I do however think my newly found gifts will fall short to endless gifts from God...
What im trying to get at is..
I can name things i want off of the top of my head...
Most of these things will provide pleasurable experiences.. but one thing can change all of that pleasure...
For example..
I would like to finish my living room, and or change into a comfier lifestyle.
I would like a sectional couch.. extremely comfortable
A plush blanket
An ottoman for my guests..
A table by the door..
A bookcase...
Tv and mount in my bedroom...
New shades
A spice rack
A grill for my backyard...
Thats just the house.....

So i sit and i think. Okay Alexa... yes these things are wonderful, and by god, you do deserve them...

But what if you get a call in august that the church has invited you for a full expenses paid trip to help people in Jerusalem... and that you will be compensated for your stay...
Or your cousin Amy invites you to stay with her in Australia.. and you live there on a work visa.. and help the community in your spare time...

Is a spice rack still important?

I guess im in quite the transition here...

Its feeling of do i just want these things to want them...

Or  is it because i know in my heart that i will be receiving them, and they just happened to become obsessed thoughts...

In retrospect, ive always received everything i desired.

They usually came faster when i stopped moping around asking for them...

one by one everything would fall to me..

I guess im just aware of the process...

Im very present lately.
Im seeking a stronger connection with faith and god at this point in my life.. and over the course of the next few weeks, i believe my connection with god, Jesus, and spirit will be so much stronger...

I do believe everything will fall into place.

New Job.
New Car.
New lifestyle...

Just a brand new me...

Things take time. I some how remain on a scaled level of thinking. Like i need this next week.. and if i dont have it next week..

then im never going to get it...

Now that ive expressed this...

im seeing things differently...

like...

If i make it clear that i want these things... then they are mine already in due time...

Because i can have a couch, and all of those things and still travel across the world..
why not!.
Im allowed that luxury...
Im allowed the luxury of having beauty..
A passport
A camera
A surfboard
A guitar..
A comfy home that holds my energy...
A new car that can take my anywhere i wanna go.
A job that gives me supreme peace of mind, and abundance....

I dont know Gods plan...

I just know that i have to trust him, that he will take care of me...

My ideas are..
To work at a peaceful job.. go to school at night...
Surf and Take pictures, and play the guitar in my spare time.
Hang out with friends, meet new friends...
go to church
maybe become a youth leader
Exercise Daily...
Have a beautiful, healthy, and inspiring relationship
fun and exciting moments.
travel.
roadtrips.
enjoying being my free spirit self
building myself
remaining focused
calm
and centered.
inspiring
****
i would love new tattoos
i would love to just become ME...
not hold back...
i feel like i break out of my cycle every day.
Always something different.
Alexa Oliveira Feb 2014
I notice that i am very impatient. Makes sense. I have always been this way. Except when i knew i had to remain calm. Im tired i guess. But then again i havent really put much work in. You see the more work i put in, the better and faster i will feel. Yet i seem to allow my past, and or the negative talk in my head to dictate my day. This is not fair and shouldn't be this way...
i mean my mom did say stop playing the victim, mourn and move on...
i guess i still have a bit of mourning to do.
it seems real now.
like as if somebody popped me on the head and was like.. hey .."remember this"?...
I get it  you know..
move past.. learn self love..
i mean thats the lesson here...
to learn self love, and keep it apparent...
i scared the **** out of myself last Saturday for holding so much in...
looks like i got a bit of it left...
good things are coming...
i mean..
i have had a good day...
cant say it was a bad day..
i had a nice morning grounding and meditating..
i just have an awkward feeling in my chest..
i guess the only thing keeping em afloat.. is
knowing that everything is temporary..and nothing lasts forever...
Alexa Oliveira Feb 2014
The things I'd like to do to you....
My mind runs into you
You look at me with these eyes of certainty..
Yet I know you would never be with me...
So it's a glimpse of past and presence
A present, your energy is my gift
I would like to unwrap it
Touch it, feel it, acknowledge it's worth
Up against the wall
I would like to pull your hair...
And rip off your shirt
Bite your skin as if it were mine
Wine and dine you
Just to find you
You think you could make some time..
But you pull away as soon as I get close
Let me coast.. Cruise control from the post...
I'll back up slow.
Let you look for me..
But I'll hide , so you never know the real me...
Alexa Oliveira Feb 2014
Day by day is all i have...
What i choose to do with my time outside of work, will definitely define how much better i will feel while im at work... Im considering this my last week.. as i am so eager to look for work elsewhere. Im making my peace as they would call it... I was plotting to quit at 8am this morning, yet im here now at 9am, working on projects i couldn't have thought about starting last week...
The positives.. im making money, money to pay for next months rent, my fpl and cell phone bill...
Im also allowing myself to feel comfortable in a work environment with other people...
emotionally things get ******* up when you live in your head...
its really a four hour morning and a four hour evening... you cant beat that...
There is plenty to do and search for.
Especially related to life..
Friends are calling it a 2 more week period before they witness normal lex again... lol.. im more just interested in starting things back up.. like cooking for myself this week actually sounds like a pretty awesome idea...
When i get home tonight im going to review what i have in my fridge...
and work on cooking something special for myself..
I took benedryl for the first time last night, it made me incredibly drowsy..
which is interesting to me because nothing else seemed to work..
and benedryl is for allergies... i remember my dad used to take a benedryl to relax himself, it actually doesnt even seem to me like a bad idea...
But yeah so the reality of it is, im here today because i need to be here... I know god has my back and im doing the best i can with what i have.. It was quite the challenge at first to accept everything for what it is... but i have to see that the rpocess is a great one... its better to move onto bigger and better things and keep yourself calm then to remove yourself from everything.. just makes life a lot harder.. i mean **** going to work this week puts me ina better place..especially financially...
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Im proud of myself because i never gave up..
Im proud of myself because i stared fear in the face, and i know god is protecting me
Im proud of myself for releasing, crying, and feeling the emotions within my body...
Im proud of myself for seeking answers, and always looking for a better way to live...
Im proud of myself for making supreme progress in the last 22 days...
Im proud of myself for making it through "rehab" month...
Im proud of myself for accepting my current circumstances.  
Im proud of myself for finding peace.
Im proud of myself for asking for change
Im proud of myself for doing the best i can.
Im proud of myself for understanding Mommy wants me to be happy, she wants me to have the best life, and live the life i know i deserve...
Im proud of myself for going to the park today, even though it was pouring rain..
Im proud of myself for hugging the tree.
Im proud of myself for self -talking myself.
Im proud i am sitting here at work today.
An hour ago, i didnt know how i would get here... but i did...
Im here, im listening to the bible, simply eating my bagel, waiting for some tasks or something...
i got to lunch in 3 hours... Not really that big of a deal to me anymore..
Then i come back, and i only have four hours...
This will be my routine until i leave.. Doesnt even sound like Work... Sounds like a day off... Just another location...

Ground/Exercise
Self Talk/ Music
Gratitude List/Listen to Bible Audio
Read the Bible/Read Books...
Lunch
Watch Movies
Meditate
Pray
Read the Bible
write poetry... create...
-----------------------------------------------
Looks like a great plan... Peace is here, Peace is Around me... Im changing. Wednesday of "Transformation Week"... im doing great!
Alexa Oliveira Jan 2014
Im thankful for my job because i can feel peace here.
Im thankful for my job because i learned a lot of lessons here.
Im thankful for my job because of all of the wonderful people i work with.
Im thankful for my job because i make money here to pay my rent and my utilities
Im thankful for the BD she has helped me want to better myself.
Im thankful for the hours here
Im thankful that i dont have to chase patients down a hallway
Im thankful i am not a security guard
IM thankful that it is an 8 hour shift, with an hour lunch break
Im thankful for lunch break because i can go home, and pray in my home and or sit outside in PEACE.
Im thankful for my life today
Im thankful god gave me air
Im thankful for my home
Im thankful for my friends
Im thankful angel gave me a massage
Im thankful Will has forgiven me and wants to spend time with me.
Im thankful for my family.
Im thankful that Giselle and Alex care so much
IM thankful for my church
im thankful for my car
Im thankful for my breakfast and the food that which im granted today.
Im thankful for the bible, its many lessons and verses are inspiring..
Im thankful for Melissa, she has stood by me through this entire lesson.
Im thankful for my lesson, because it has made me stronger and see things from another perspective...
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