I do not want to be transparent
I want you to see me clearly
The way I change my face when angered,
How I appear when I'm sad,
Or how I look when I laugh.
I want you to know my heart
And be the difference in something I've known too well before
I want to breathe your air
And take in all that you are
How you change your face when angered,
How you appear when you're sad,
Though I hope you never are,
And how you look when you laugh.
I want to know your heart,
And to be the difference in something you've known too well before.

Exposed
His lips touched,
Slowly, in torturing delays,
they mapped their way to my heart.

Each beat,
increasing with each press upon my skin,
he was the hunter,
and I his prey,
He smelled like cigarette smoke,
and watered down cologne,
but I melted beneath him like he was fire,
and I a block of ice.

I foolishly thought that he had me memorized,
tucked safely in the back of his mind,
each place his fingertips met,
sent shivers all over me,
like I was stuck in a chest freezer,
but when he left me wrapped up in the sheets,
he snuck out like a thief in the night,
on to pursue his next prey.

I was captured,
as quickly as I was hunted.
The hunter never loves his prey.

I don't know where my mind wanders,
When it's silent and cold.
I've closed my heart shut,
Locked it and threw away the key,
Goodbye to love.

I was never content,
My existence was written up for higher things,
And I knew something was wrong,
I couldn't put my finger on it,
Or grasped why it happened the way it did.

To end up destroyed,
Only to realize,
I put myself back together with another plan.

And when he put his fingers on my skin,
I cringed from the impact,
And found myself to be incomplete.
He was never what I wanted,
Not even when my life was all about him.

He promised such beautiful things,
But they were all just words,
With no depth, no clarity,
No truth behind them.

He took me to his bed,
Pried my body free from restraint,
Buried his face into my skin,
******* in my essence,
And breathing out into my air.

I never felt more alone.
No matter how many times I screamed it in my head,
And all the hands that once held my own,
And all the pretty words they used to say,
From their venomous mouths,
And all the times patterns were traced,
Burning away pieces of myself,
And burying it into them,
I still, never felt more alone.

I'm tired of the ****** hand I'm dealt,
The short stick I've always drawn.
I've grown tired of constant ups and downs,
And friends who are never really friends.
I've grown tired of men who don't know what they want,
And if they do, they don't know how to fight.
They give up when the going gets tough,
And I am left to feel meaningless,
And it's all I've ever known.

I've never had a man to be genuine,
And if he was, some one else caught his eye eventually.
It's all ****** up,
And I'm so ******* myself,
But it's all I've grown to know how to do,
And that is why my heart is always broken,
Because I care too much,
And when I care,
I shouldn't at all.

And when I start to care for myself,
I've become selfish.
It's a constant turning wheel,
No matter where it ends,
I'm still wrong.

I wish I could work every day,
So I didn't have to know what it was like to see the sun rise,
Or see it set.
So my life kept going constant,
And I had no time to feel,
Or any time to pretend,
That for once something good would come,
When I finally put my eyes elsewhere.

So leave is all I know to do,
To begin anew,
Fresh,
Where no one knows my name,
Or the stories I've burned into my skin,
And carved out in bone

The journal opened,
On its own.
Encompassed my thoughts,
My heart,
And bled them onto unlined pages.
Raw, and complete.
Synced up in perfect harmony.

The short hand on the clock moved,
Took its first step,
And shielded clarity,
That no depth could have foretold,
This is what I needed,
On the same page,
The battery started to recharge,
All on its own.

Until after awhile it began to tick,
The clock came unset,
And there was no countdown left to look upon.
It moved at its own pace,
Fate and destiny,
Weaved its intricate web,
Attaching red thread to the tip of my pinky finger,
The cord that stretched to the tip of a finger of someone,
Whose heart, memories, and experiences,
Were that much like my own.

But we can never see who is at the end,
We may cross paths on a busy street,
Our eyes might linger for a moment,
And we may feel struck in the chest,
By an unexplainable force,
Or we may pass without notice,
Always thinking,
That when the book comes to a close,
That soon their hand,
Would fit perfectly in my own.

It didn't feel real.
The way I laid there,
Gazing at the ceiling for hours,
Listening to music,
And day dreaming most of the day away.

And I realized that it was wrong.
The way we moved to music,
Swaying unnecessarily,
Syncing to it at the wrong time,
Out of pace,
And forgetting the distance we had to go.

We crossed years of time in a matter of weeks,
Causing cracks to form in the walls,
That a sledge hammer might pound into,
And the cord was wearing out,
The hold and the control was disappearing,
And the walls got a little thicker,
With each blow,
They worked harder to repair.

Patchwork, and crumbled bits of brick and of mortar,
Lining the floor,
And the marble had lost its sheen,
The windows fogged up,
And the paint started to peel off the walls,
Decay in the highest.

The sun started to set,
And when night came no stars lit up the sky,
It was empty of beauty,
It was bland, dark,
And composed of nothing but air and space.

When we went to bed,
I don't think we realized we'd wake up on the same frequency,
But it happened,
And I don't regret it,
Anymore than I regret the feeling of your hands in my hair,
Draining all the color from my skin,
And my bones becoming porous,
Taking it all in,
Piece my piece.
But it was wrong.

The queen descended her throne,
And went off to find the black armored knight she used to know.
The ***** grabbed her bow and arrows,
And departed the forest in search of the hunter.
The Phoenix left to find the thief,
And the lost girl in the forest,
Chased after the wolf she used to love.

And I, I emerged in perfect sync.
Adorned my crown of daisies,
Held close to my heart the memories of the ocean,
The love of the forest,
The dismay of the dark and the quiet,
The hope for sunrise,
The dreams of mountain tops,
And the wings I never should have lost.

I emerged scarred, and battered.
But I saw what I needed to see all a long,
And when I met the lost boy for the first time,
I didn't know what to do with it,
And though his lips on my own felt wonderful,
There were things I needed to set in motion first.

I ascended the throne,
No longer a princess, a *****, a Phoenix, or a succubus.
I was a woman then,
And I knew ten times better.
That any battle is best won with time and patience,
I replaced my crown of daisies with that of gold,
Because I finally deserved it.

And my life took on a new turn,
And it no longer pained me to watch as I let go of my control,
Because I recognized that I had none to begin with,
I only have what I remember.

My heart was no longer a battery,
Or made of stone, or covered in black to the point I hated the idea of love, or hated the idea of feeling.
I recognized my fear,
I came to terms with my demons,
And let the skeletons out of the closet.

I threw off my cloak,
Slammed into all the walls,
And let them come crashing down.
This isn't weakness,
This is strength, courage,
And hope in the rawest and rarest and purest form.

I am happy.
I believe that good things will come,
No matter what pain and agony I have to endure to get it,
It will be worth the wait,
Worth the struggle,
And when the battle is won,
I will be victorious,
Not by force,
But by my skill,
And the love for myself that I now so valiantly feel.

It radiates through me,
And shines out like the brightest star.

I'm back set in motion,
I came back home from the sea,
I left the forest,
I cast off the shadows,
And I danced for the first time in my life.

Out of pure joy,
And when HE opened his arms to me,
The golden gates opened,
my wings came back,
And my crown shined brighter than it ever did before.

God, bless my soul.
Carry me through the storms,
And never let my knees get weakened,
Give me the courage to stand tall,
The grace and the serenity,
And release my control.

I laid there and watched the clouds move,
Making shapes and hearing the words come back like the loudest thunder,
And I knew I was justified,
I knew I had found peace.

It is well, with my soul.

I took a leap of faith,
Drunkenly confessing my heart,
But like before,
You failed to hear me,
My words fell upon deaf ears,
And you stayed blinded to it all.

This is to letting you go.

You were the one I could depend on,
When all the rest of the world walked out,
The one who held my hand,
Wiped my tears,
Kissed me,
And made me feel beautiful without even saying anything.

I'll never be your type,
I'll be the one who's always there,
Has your back, runs my fingers through your hair,
Tells you it'll all be okay,
We'll share a couple laughs,
Cry about stupid things,
And lift eachother back up,
But I'll never be the girl you want.

I'll be there when the world walks out,
Asking you to come hang out,
Letting you in the door at 3am when you're drunk,
And play fighting with you even when it hurts.

I'll be the one who buys you birthday presents,
Sends you a present for Christmas,
And does things just because,
And you'll be there telling me that the new guy I'll be talking to is a real *******,
And then you'll make me cry because the only guy I've ever wanted,
Has always been you.

And this is to letting you go.
Because the heartache is too much to bear,
While you go on getting into fights,
And loveless relationships,
With people who never truly appreciate you or see you.

But I'll be there rooting for you,
Hoping for the best,
But expecting the worst,
Because it happens over and over,
And these are the words that I'll refrain from saying,
And the actions I'll stop myself from doing,
But the truth is that,
I'm not going to be the one holding the noose for you,
When you decide you're ready to go.

I'll never be the girl for you.

And here's to letting you go,
Because although I love you,
And you know that,
You take me at face value,
And I no longer know what the **** that's worth.

I came to realize,
that writing is both a blessing,
and a curse.

For those whom I don't write about,
my writing is beautiful,
filled with depth,
and worded perfectly.

But those whom I write about,
are often angered,
by the fact that I express my thoughts of them at all.

My tongue is a double-edged sword,
it is healing to me,
but damaging to you.

But still,
I write anyway.

After months have passed,
Time you spent avidly painting me like a kaleidoscope,
You finally laid your hands down.
There were no words I could express,
It was like one morning,
I woke up with a pang in my chest,
The sky was dark and it began to rain,
And somehow,
I just knew.

My breath escaped me,
when your arms opened,
pulling me closer,
I think when our lips met,
a part of me must have died.

You were the most wonderful person,
somehow managing to throw my logic out the window,
leaving me to succumb to blind emotion,
fueled by your words and actions,
I folded into you over, and over.
Becoming familiar to the feel of your rough calloused hands,
running circles all across my skin.
You burned where you touched.

In the midst of waking up,
slipping to the bottom of a few bottles,
I realized in the worst possible moment,
that you were poison.
You shook me off of my course,
leaving me to feel inclined to give up,
on all the good things I sought avidly for myself,
and with each word you spoke,
I opened up a little more,
leaving more room for you to crawl into my heart,
but instead you came into my head,
twisting me a part,
leading me on,
and telling me that I was wrong,
that there was something wrong with me,
and each time you said it,
with each painful word you threw my direction,
I believed it.

But to end it all,
that took more courage than I'd like to openly admit,
because I still loved you,
even though I never said it,
I never dared to say that to you,
but if there was one thing I could ever thank you for,
it would be giving thanks to you for being an *******,
and placing yourself at the bottom of the list,
a perfect example of the person,
never to end up with.

If you have no intention of keeping me,
Then don't waste my time.
Simple as that.
No sugar coated words,
Or poetic verses.
No one deserves that anymore.

If you have no intention of making me yours,
Then don't let me get close.
Keep me at arms length,
Far out of your reach,
And don't call or text my phone.

Fade away into time where you once came from.

If your only intention is to sleep with me,
Make it known.
Don't hide behind words and actions,
Leading me down a path that seems as though,
It might head somewhere.
Make it clear, keep it simple.

Because then I will know what to expect,
Absolutely nothing at all.

If you have no intention of respecting me,
Or any of the things previously mentioned,
Then don't speak to me,
Don't even let the idea of me cross your mind.
I will never be the girl for you.

I have more common sense than that.
I have more respect for myself than that.
I see straight through you.

So do me a favor almost lover,
And be transparent.

Imagine sitting in a room,
four walls, two windows,
one door,
but there's no way out.
you're trapped with your thoughts,
moments replaying over and over in your head,
and the minutes and hours,
increasingly get worse.

Imagine wanting so badly to talk to someone,
but not wanting to burden anyone with your weight,
so you try to handle it on your own,
but you can't stop crying long enough,
and your heart is breaking more and more,
you feel inadequate,
you feel worthless,
you feel pathetic,
you want the pain to stop,
so you drop a pain killer or two into your mouth,
and swallow it down with flat soda.

The hours keep moving,
but you can't bring yourself to go to sleep,
your mind won't be quiet,
so you reach the point of being awake for twenty-four hours,
every day,
and when you finally do crash,
you don't dream.
it's empty, just like how you feel.

But when you wake up,
you reach for your phone,
only to call a close friend or two,
wanting and hoping they'll make time for you,
but they don't.
they're too busy for you.
so you feel worse,
because you have no one there,
so the walls are closing in on you,
and all you want is for it all to go away,
but it won't.

you have no enjoyment from watching tv,
you see no point in being awake,
you see no point in sleep,
you see no reason to feel,
you see no point to care,
you can't stop shaking,
all you can do is cry,
and you want to talk to someone,
but you don't know how,
you don't know what to say,
so you're alone.

imagine this happening over and over,
for the past three days.
You're an anchor,
dropping into a bottomless sea,
nothing to grasp onto,
just falling, forever.

I just want the noise to stop,
I don't want to feel this way anymore,
I don't want to be alone anymore,
but I can't open my mouth to reach for you,
I keep hoping you'll reach back,
but you never do.

I feel like i'm trapped in a memory
one that increasingly changes
shifting like the change in seasons,
one moment I am in spring time,
alone in a field of flowers,
feeling a cool breeze through my hair,
while the sun beams down on me,
warming my bones.

The next I am plunged into fall,
amongst trees and falling leaves,
there are no birds here, they've all died,
so the forest sings no songs,
it breathes, but on its last breath,
into winter,
barren trees,
snow up to my ankles,
and deer lay in pools of blood,
tongue's sticking out of their mouths,
all the beauty has been ****** dry.

I leave the forest in search of something new,
only to come to the rocky waters,
at the edge I would listen to the siren's call,
As I work my hands through to make a bra from seashells, seaweed,
and twine.
They beckoned me forth,
to the edge of the cliff,
wishing to plunge me into the deep unsettling waters,
to **** my life, and my dreary thoughts from me.

Oh what a wonderful life it must be,
to be void of all thought and emotion.
I left the castles, and the forests behind me,
to find serenity by the water,
where I have always felt I belonged near,
the smell of salt water filling me up,
my feet coated in sand,
while I dreamed of something better than this,
but at most,
I found mountains, and dying trees,
and the wolves with sharp and jagged teeth.

Their claws digging into me,
ripping me open,
as all the beauty in me poured out,
pools of blood the colors of the rainbow,
the acid melting my brain,
devoid of all that I once knew,
because truthfully it never mattered anyway,
and at that moment I found myself standing on the edge of the cliff,
I jumped off into the air,
meeting the waters below,
the siren finally won,
taking my body,
plunging me into the depths,
the water had become my home,
forever more.

In my dreams,
you came to me,
singing that sad song,
eyes ocean blue.

But i'm growing weary,
years have passed me by,
and now I'm nearly twenty-four,
keeping a soft spot for you endlessly,
but I need to accept that life had other plans,
for you, for me, for us.

It's time to close the book,
i've filled it up nearly enough.
But I'm pledging here and now,
that every second, every breath,
of my pathetic whirlwind of a life,
will be in aims to show the world,
just how much I love you.

I'm riding in the backseat of the car,
drawing on the window,
dressed in winters best.
I just want to lay in bed,
hear your thick southern accent,
and fold into you over and over.

But I'm taking you for granted,
I was wild, I didn't know what I had then.
That love is something i'll never have again,
or at least, I haven't found it yet.
I live for the day that you'll wake up,
and come back,
but you never do.

I've filled up enough journals about you,
to write a blog of all the days,
all the weeks, all the months,
and all the years I spent without you.
But this isn't the notebook,
you may be noah, and I might be allie,
but you're never coming back.

There won't be a day that you'll see my face in the paper,
and come running back to see what it is you've been missing,
we won't reflect, and build new memories,
you've already established yourself one hell of a life i'm sure,
and i'm still wild, ending up as the one thing you wished I'd never be.
Truthfully, I think you'd love me now.
If you ever woke up, and came back,
but you never do, and never will.

So this is a memoir written to the girl at sixteen,
who under-appreciates your conversation and guidance,
I'd tell her be sweet, be loving, be kind.
You never know what the future might hold,
cherish what you have, because one day, it will be gone.

But it's time to grow up,
that sweetheart of a boy is long gone,
and it's time for his book to come to a close.
You can't keep hoping and wishing one day he'll come looking,
wondering what you're doing, where you ended up, or if you're alive at all.

You can't keep hoping he'll reach out,
and come back as a white knight,
to whisk you away to that wonderland in your mind.
Because he won't.
So do what you can now,
love yourself, find happiness for yourself,
and close the book.

To the girl I was at sixteen,
you're a fool,
but I know you won't listen,
you never do.

To the girl who had her head in the clouds,
and never thought to see what was in front of you,
it's okay, because one day you'll stop,
you'll realize you made horrible mistakes.
One day, you'll wake up,
and he'll leave you for someone else,
and he'll be happy.
Oh, I'm sure he'll be happy.
Because she probably would never treat him,
quite like you do.

So close your eyes,
you'll wake up tomorrow in time for school,
and just do me a favor,
and cherish those years while you can,
because twenty-three won't bring much promise,
I know this much better than you.

To the girl I was at sixteen,
one day you'll forgive yourself for all of the mistakes you'll make,
and you'll be beautiful, have your own house, your own car,
you'll be an artist, a writer, and everyone you know and hold dear,
oh, they're going to love you.

The arguments with your grandmother,
they're never going to get easier,
so listen to the boy with ocean eyes,
and just say yes ma'am, and let her walk away.

One day, you're going to be beautiful,
and nothing anyone says will matter.
You'll start to have it all figured out,
and when depression takes hold,
just say no, not like this, not now.
Close your eyes.
Don't give up so soon,
because one day you'll be loved,
I know this better than you.

Close the book,
Set it down,
what's meant to be will be,
we don't know what the future holds,
but don't worry, don't cry,
because life goes on.

I woke up this morning,
absent of thought and feeling,
no dreams to reflect upon,
dreary walls closing in,
******* out the moisture from my skin.

I woke up this morning,
to realize that what we had has died,
it slipped from my fingers like sand,
now it's a memory, like the hour glass I hold in my hand.
You left with no possessions behind,
flooding my room with accusations,
and broken shards of glass,
from all the mirrors and windows I smashed,
while I begged you to stay.

Rain kept pouring since the day you left,
for days, and days I couldn't speak,
all the life had been ****** out of me.
So with two hands I built a ship,
that I would float on while I got lost in bottles of ***,
and whiskey.

No sirens called, nor did an octopus come to greet me,
it was silent, and cold
in the end of september,
while I watched the world change around me.

I woke up this morning,
to find that my life has been made of nothing.
I made no accomplishments, no grand feats,
I've kept myself stuck in a time loop,
even though the faces are never the same,
in some way they are, and it exhausts me.

To know that what used to be beautiful is gone,
because the poison started dripping.
It came first in the arguments,
later through the IVs into your blood stream,
I felt nothing and everything at the same time,
to realize I meant nothing, it wasn't such a shock,
I never expected differently.

So on this ship I sail,
while knowing everyone to be shallow.
When the one composed of water ascended to the top,
I'm not quite sure what he thought,
but golden tridents, and poetic verses don't thrill me.

A year ago I lost myself,
I saw the world shift and drop out from underneath me,
plunging my body into oblivion,
where for all this time I've lingered,
trying to make sense of out of nothing,
bleak, emptiness.

Whatever innocence I had in me was destroyed,
I've become the evil queen, drifting on murky waters,
and this ship is still sinking.
Whatever it is they all seem to see,
yeah, well that's escaped me.
I'm vile, cruel, and promiscuous.
But this queen needs no company,
I'm the serpent in the garden,
The murderer in the street,
The shark in the water,
I mean everything to nothing.

So do yourself a favor,
while you still can.
Run.

When I was young,
you walked at my side
aiding me through struggles
keeping my head steadily lifted
but in your absence,
I've grown into the image reflected
The worst possible scenario,
a loud cry for help,
that he fails to answer.

I've laid with my demons,
drinking into oblivion,
while over and over,
the faces stay the same.
Shifting emotions,
like the change in seasons,
hello, goodbye.

Yet here I stand,
twenty-three.
Walking without knights,
because there are none to protect me.
I speak, but shakily,
plunging myself into the emptiness I feel.
There is never a moment of release,
into autumn the depression steadily leaks,
through my veins, into my blood stream,
and soon it will reach my heart,
setting fault to the charge to the battery,
and I will slump into a stand-still,
lingering on words from ghosts,
who never reach out in the walls.

My mind is a violent whirlwind,
Yet still,
I keep asking him to come home,
but it's almost like talking to a wall,
and I can't hear my own voice through the sound.

The clock is speeding up,
and soon I won't be able to move at all.
With the on-coming pressure of the world on me,
slowly on the rise,
I will be viral in a matter of days,
and I can't stop the tide
that is threatening to swallow me whole.

I can't keep crying anymore.
The tape has run out of recording space,
and all the letters i've written are piling up.
1,460 days.
The hour glass has run dry,
cracking on all the sides,
and sand pours out to encompass my feet.

I'm empty.
Walking without knights,
into the threatening storm of clouds,
winter is coming,
and I can't stand the sound.

What's the point?
Humans by nature feel inadequate
Are we even sure we can fill the shoes we need to wear?
Mine sink in, with too much room to wiggle in
They don't fit.
Too many expectations,
and I can't amount up to them.

I can feel all the eyes on me
Wondering where I'll go next
What my new zest for life might be
Will I start a riot?
Or go hell bent upon seeing a campaign for body freedom to completion
I think that might be what makes me so appealing
No one can figure me out.
Truthfully, I can't figure myself out.

I'm not the person I was years ago
With each thing that happened,
Little by little she died.
Now I'm twenty three,
No college degree,
And I write more than I speak
Breathe and sleep more than I work
And work more than I eat.

I'm not sure how I've managed to survive this long,
But I can feel it coming quicker than I suspected
Slowly slipping back into the same routine,
and I have to get out.
I have to do something before I sink,
This boat has holes forming,
and the water is beating the boards away
The current is rough,
And I'm not sure where it's pulling me anymore

My life isn't sunshine and rainbows
It's a constant struggle,
I get more than I deserve.
My basic needs go unmet,
Because I don't know how to open my mouth
And I feel inadequate
Like I can't own up to it
These shoes are too big for my feet
I don't feel twenty three.
I feel like a kid, standing in a candy store
And my parents have abandoned me.

I'm not sure why I want to be alone,
and no one ever picks up the phone.
So I'm left with these thoughts,
While I want to slam my head into the wall.

I dreamed of something greater than this.
Really, I think we all did.
But all we do is work to pay for a home we don't live in.
It makes no sense.
We're slaves to corportations,
and debt collectors.

Because we all need money,
But when did money become the source of happiness?
You could be rich, but still be unhappy.

Numb.
Grab a drink,
Down it all and drop the bottle
Can I get another please?

Intoxicated, I'm running free
My heart is gone,
And I don't want to feel anything
I'm going to fly,
Like a bird freed from a cage
Of a loveless relationship,
One sided bitter pain.

Light it up,
Passing the bowl my way
Higher than the clouds,
I never felt farther from home
And it's good for awhile I think
To have kisses on my skin,
Hands grasping,
Feeble and shaky,
While physical attraction grabs hold
Shaking me from the pain,
Replacing it with a different kind
And the ****** hits harder than I think
While they're exhausted,
I'm still here.

It's always the same.
The faces are always different,
But the routine is like clock work
And the hands keep moving
But I'm left behind
To me, it's still September
Even when the snow starts to fall,
It's still september,
and I never want to be home.

In the shop,
I'm letting the needles and ink,
Coat my skin with color,
To cover up all the damage I've done,
Memories of pain,
But you can replace your skin,
With an array of beautiful colors
But the scars will still be there
A constant reminder,
That one day your fingers dug in deep,
Slicing your skin open as the blood freely flowed,
Replacing the pain,
With a different kind
A permanent solution to temporary heartache.

Grab a drink,
Open it up and drop the cap
I'm throwing them back,
The bottles keep coming,
And the men smile my way,
Because they know tonight I'll be easy,
But I'm doing it all so freely
Because it's september,
And I'm broken and lonely
Running from it all,
Where home is never a home,
and he's seeing someone else,
And I'm alone in my head.

Their teeth dig into my skin,
Bruises start coming to coat my skin,
With pretty colors,
It's the only way to know I'm alive,
Because I feel nothing, and everything too.
And I think tonight I'll escape,
With cheap liquor, and a bowl full of ****
I'll let their hands roam where they meet
And forget everything.

September,
when heartache becomes a real thing,
And I remember everything.

I'm afraid of the moment our lips touch
the spark that ignites, filling me up
I'm afraid of your touch, lingering on my skin
without thinking I'm moving close
The heat, it might be too much
silencing out the prequel of winter
your air has become my air
your heartbeat fills my ears like a loud drum
banging against every wall
it echoes over and over into my head

but dear, where your lips touch
I dare say, do not break skin
because wounds form,
your essence will sink in
and by then, I fear,
it will be too late.