there are five stages of grief
I experienced all of them
all five
at the exact same time
denial-
we will get back together
he treated me so well
we were so happy
we're just taking a break
anger-
I hate him
he lied to me
he lied to everyone
if only
if only i would've given him more
if only I would've given him me
if only I would've fought harder
depression-
suicide?
no.
yes?
maybe.
I can't stand myself
disgusting
I felt disgusting
acceptance-
okay.
I don't need him
I never did
he did hurt me
how had I not seen it before?
he hurt me
he tried to **** me
it's been months
and I just now noticed
what he really did
there's another stage of grief,
separate from acceptance
moving on-
moving on
to bigger and better things
let's get happy
let's find happiness
grief hurts
but moving on feels great

as delta rae said,
oh baby.
it's a long way down
to the bottom of the river,
hold my hand

as she looks me in the eyes
and tells me to run
i look at her
realizing that this
this is what life really is

life is terribly unbearable
however
it is incredibly beautiful at the same time
those moments
with your favorite people
where you stop breathing
because you're so happy

moments like these are what i live for
hold my hand
oh baby
it's a long way down to the bottom of the river
delta rae was right
but sometimes
the bottom of the river isn't where you find death
sometimes
it's where you find life
happiness
or love.

the bottom of the river is only bad if you make it that.
so don't let the bottom of your river be the end
let it be the beginning

he touched me
in ways i didn't want him to
but i fought back
which he wasn't expecting.
i couldn't be mean to him
no matter how bad i wanted to
i wasn't having fun
but i know he was

and yes,
consent is still necessary in relationships.
and just because i didn't yell at him then,
doesn't mean i wasn't angry.
and yes, i said no.
loud and clear.
he didn't take no for an answer.
he told me
"it's all about what you're comfortable with."
then he had the audacity to do that to me?

he got on top of me when i didn't want him to.
he did things to me that i didn't want him to.
I'm glad my mom came when she did.
who knows what he would've done next?

and no, it's not nearly as bad as some people's situations,
but it's my experience, and i can't get it out of my head.

i hate him, i do.
i don't want to hate him anymore.
but he didn't just hurt me.
he hurt her.
and i won't stand for that.
she almost took her own life because of him.
i hate him, i do.

sometimes I get so angry
that I can't breathe.
sometimes I get so angry
that I want to cry,
but I can't.

I used to fear nothing.
I never flinched,
I never jumped,
but now,
I flinch,
and I jump.
he never hit me,
but I always felt like he would.
every time I went to hug him
he'd pull back,
and give me this look.
this look of confusion.

the second time, we were hanging out with my friends.
we were all in the bathroom because it was hot outside.
then they left.
why would they leave me alone with him?
I've never confronted them about it.
after all, they didn't know what he'd done.
he pushed me up against a wall,
trying to get me into a stall.
i told him no.
i. told. him. no.
he slipped his hand up my shirt.
I still told him no.
he shut the stall and locked it.
I still told him no.
I even fought back.
but he overpowered me.
he was bigger than me.

I'm glad my mom came when she did.

the worst thing is,
that I didn't realize what he did to me
until after he left me.
why didn't I leave?
I was in love.
that ******* idiot made me fall in love with him.
can you believe that?

i can finally tell her
she will know i'm happy
but i can't forget
the things that hurt me
i must tell her
i don't want to
what if she worries
what if she tells someone
confidentiality,
right?

je t'aime.
tu es mon monde,
toujours.
est-ce que tu m'amour?
je sais que tu le fais.
un jour, j'aurai votre nom de famille.