Alone he sits in an empty pew
Enveloped in the silence of his mind
Old aged wood creeks and echoes through the sanctuary
As he drops to his knees
The only light is a sliver of sunshine cascading through the stained glass
portrait of a savior
Creating an almost heavenly glow, illuminating the hope buried deep in his soul.
He begins to pray but is interrupted
by the devious acts that plague his past
Haunted by decisions
Marked for eternity by the path he has chosen to travel
Memories and regret flood his heart
How can he be forgiven by his creator if he cannot forgive himself?
Blinded by guilt that has ridden havoc on his physical body and his spiritual soul
A small whisper tickles his ear
So faint, so soft
Like a lullaby sung to a small child
Where does it come from?
What is the source of its existence?
He recognizes the melody but can't remember the words.
An hypnotizing tune that drew him to this very place
Faith, however faint and tiny
Fleeting breeze it may seem
Has taken root long ago
It grows and replays its tune like a broken record
Beckoning to the listener
Pulling at the fiber of his very being
This man is humanity itself
And faith need only a single note
to become a glorious symphony and lead him to the answers and forgiveness he so seeks.

Never would I seek to cause you pain
Never would I plan your demise
How I ache for just one more look in your eyes
I wish I could bare my heart and soul and mind to you
Let you inside to see all that I hide
So you would truly know how much I love you
Words are hurtful
Silence is death to what we had, I know
I realize I allowed the silence to destroy the good we once had
I would give anything to reverse that choice
I know matter what I say now or do
You will question my intentions
No more nights cuddling
No more laughs together
No more sweet kisses
My clown ninja has gone
My heart breaks over and over
As I remember all the times we had together
All the happiness you brought in my life
All the times you stood strong for me when I was falling apart
Took you for granted
Took your friendship for granted
I abandoned you when you needed me the most
I will forever regret that
So now, I know I can't change the past
Can't take it away
All I can do is ask for your forgiveness
All I can do is promise never to take you for granted again
Hopefully one day you will understand the logic behind my actions
One day we can rekindle that friendship I cherish
If not I understand and you will forever live in my memories
You will be immortal in my life
Because so many of these words I have written speak of you
I will read them and remember you
I will cherish the moments we shared
I will always love you with all my heart, please don't doubt that
Doubt my actions, or lack there of
Never doubt that you hold a piece of my heart and always will.

After years of emotional abuse from a man I thought loved me
After  a lifetime of comparing my body to supermodels in magazines
After decades of staring in the mirror and being ashamed of what I see
Trying to hide from public, Covering the scars with makeup and hairspray
Painting away what I saw as ugly
Too fat, Too round, Too curvy, Too thick
Double chins and a belly that never disappeared after giving birth
Society stained my soul
Made me question every piece of clothing I bought
Made me nervous to go in public
Provided anxiety that was paralyzing
Transformed a fun loving young girl into a scared and unstable women
Constantly unable to stop comparing myself to others
Looking for someone to see my true beauty, when I couldn't even see it myself
The hardest lesson I have had to learn in these 33 years on this earth
Is how to love myself, truly
I may seem narcissistic to some, because I do like to have a photo taken
But that is not because I see the beauty its because I constantly am seeking approval and admiration from others that I have be unable to provide to myself
I am done living in the prison in which I have created
Time to let go of all expectations and really be free
Free to be myself
Free to love my body and every scar present
Free to show others my soul, my heart
The true self that resides inside this earthly body
The spirit which posses more that any exterior could show
To be able to see the amazing light given to me by our creator
To be able to look in a mirror and see the love it took to create me
The love that is more beautiful than anything material in this world.

He sneaks in through the window of my soul
Never seen or heard
No for warning no sound to alert his presence
He needs no reason to visit, no wealth to claim
For the possession he steals is more precious than gold, more rare than
diamonds, but unseen to the human eye
This burglar of bliss comes for any trace of happiness, any small inclination of hope
Any joy that was once felt and captured so easily in my heart now is his prize for the taking
With no rhyme or reason
The cloud of sadness is his cover and it seeps in to the cracks
Filling the once warm rooms of my mind
With chill that runs down my spine
So hard to explain to those who don't know his name
So confusing and painful for those of us tormented daily by this thief
How the worry and thoughts of sadness move over you
Take over your body and mind, no matter how hard you fight it
No matter how much you just want it to go away and free you
from this agony
One moment of joy, one day of freedom is what is held dear
At least for those of us who are still here
Those of us who have not lost the fight yet, but battle this burglar of bliss everyday, every waking moment

You say you are not the one for me
You say you will never be
Why are you the only person I can truly open  my heart to?
Why must it all be so complicated?
I feel the love you have for me, when we are near
Yet you push it away the moment it begins to surface.
Your fear of failure is poisoning what could be our own Eden.
You don't even realize either way we lose,
You lose me if I find another heart to actually want to be the one
You lose if you give in to us and it turns bad
But isn't the possibility of us turning out amazing so much better than none at all?
The more you break my heart, the more I yearn for you
I want to believe how I feel more than what you say
In this fictitious reality I have envisioned, you want me
You want nothing more than to be together
How do I separate my fantasy from what is real?
I can't let go completely for fear of losing every moment we share or may share
But I can't go on, teetering on the edge of this cliff
Some days feeling as if my feet are sturdy and the ground firm under my feet
To the next day feeling as if one small breeze will send me tumbling to my doom
I may be left with no choice but to cut loose the strings that hold me to you
Free my heart from you,
Free you from the guilt of knowing I feel more for you than you for me
It will not be easy, and it will be so very painful
But would I be doing us both a favor in the end?
For we all know old lovers just can't be friends

The conduct of my heart had been sentenced to solitary for what felt like an eternity.
Exposed to those who didn't cherish or deserve my love.
Every new prospect of hope was dangled in front of this broken soul only to be snatched away before made whole
Hunting endless miles for my prince charming

When all along I should have been seeking my King.
The moment my ears detected his voice
The second his eyes, like crystal blue waters of the sea, met mine
All inhibition left me and I found myself suspended in the joy that surrounded this damaged heart.
Peacefully and effortlessly I fell into his arms
Though it may all be new in this world of time and space
The feeling is so familiar as if we have been connected since the beginning of it all

Joined on a deeper level that what is physical
On a spiritual plane of reality in which only we exist
Relishing in every touch
Savoring every kiss
Occupying this dream of desire
Craving to be close to him
Sharing life's breathe

His caress has set the caged bird free
His divine spirit has removed all pain of the past.
Captivated by every word that escapes his lips
Mesmerized by the delicate nature he takes with me
Inspiration thrives now that I have found him