Faust Sep 14
It’s so vehemently deafening!
This cacophonous howling in my head,
Is reverberating in the depleted chambers of my heart.

Where a fire once flickered bright,
The hearth in my soul is as glacial,
And barren as the winter sun.

I reach out to you for the contentment,
And limpidity you once gave me.
And so, I come to you *****,
In my virtuous conations of fervor
And acceptance.

But you, my love have become,
Somber and contorted with hatred.
The beauty that you once had,
Has become ensnared with thorns
That seek to cut me.

But what can I say?
Your touch is memorable.
I can feel your fingers on my skin,
Tempting my secrets out,
Swaying me to believe in the darkness.

Your lips kiss poison into my veins,
Which make me swoon further into your embrace.

So I gave up, I let you in.
My legs wrapped around your waist,
Your lips on my neck,
My hands in your hair,
Your hands on my body,
My mouth on you.

I sold my soul for your betrayal.
The darkness never felt so  good...
Faust Aug 23
I found myself today,
On a crowded sidewalk,
In the middle of downtown.

Right after my best friend of 8 years,
Decided I was no longer a worthy,
Part of his life.

I found myself,
Crying on a crowded sidewalk,
In the middle of downtown.

I left my grief there.
The grief I felt for a friendship I adored,
That didn’t matter to him anymore.

There goes another piece of my heart,
There goes another part of my soul.
It wasn’t because I loved you that way,
It was because I thought we loved,
Each other in a way that made us feel,
United in the matter and of the truth,
Of what real friendship was.

My heart is broken ,
And bleeding red pieces of glass,
That make a trail behind me,
As I make yet again, another new start.

The reality of this is,
I’ve been bleeding this glass for awhile,
But this is inevitable part of letting go.

I know I won’t be leaving behind this
Broken glass forever.
I will find a way heal from this loss,
And learn to stitch the part of me,
That felt the need to bleed.

But I feel so sad,
That you felt you needed,
To leave me behind,
When I really thought,
I had finally found a friend
For life.
Faust Jul 19
My life unfolded a certain way.
It was meant to be this way for a reason.
To teach me,
To strengthen me,
To have faith,
To believe.

9,528 days I have been living and breathing.
And every one of those days has had a lesson at the end.
I’ve known heartache, heartbreaks,
I’ve known loss,
I’ve known pain,
I’ve had cuts, bruises and scars that will never leave,
My mind,
My body,
My soul.

My past shaped me,
My present is molding me,
My future is still unwritten.
But I’ll write it with,
Love,
Truth,
Humbleness.
Faust Jul 11
We use to talk about this day,
the last time was five years ago.
You told me on the phone at 2
in the morning you were going
to chase that Californian sun.
You told me you were going to
chase something different, try
to be someone new, but back then
you wanted me to come with you.

Our infinitely epic two a.m. calls,
where our voices blended together
created a world only we could see.
We made a world fit for the two
Of us, and how we stood out from
The crowd.

I talked about the beach,
My bare toes in the sand,
Walking on the shore line,
With seashells in my hands.
I’d let my hair blow in the wind,
And my smile would be genuine,
I’d look up at the sky and watch the
Clouds roll by.

You talked about just sitting on the sand,
Watching me smile, as I picked up sea-
Shells in my hands.
You said you’d bring a camera,
So you could have that moment forever,
That my feet first touched the sand.
“ nothing could be more beautiful,
Then your smile in California,
Runaway with me.”

But that was five years ago.
So much has changed.
You’re in California,
Your toes are in the sand,
You get to watch the tide come and go,
You have seashells on your nightstand.

All that was brought to life,
Between you and me,
Will only ever be a bedtime story,
About my past history.

And our two a.m. calls are a part of the past.
I only ever dream about you and California,
On days like this I miss the simplicity of our,
History, our friendship and for a fleeting moment,
Our love.

But we’ll forever be each other’s long distance call.
Faust Jul 9
I fell in love at such a young age.
So young in fact that, it should have been my first clue,
That it wasn’t really love.
A hopeless romantic, who believes in fairy tales,
And wears her heart on her sleeve.
Somehow, I thought that was the girl I was destined to be.

I was naive and gullible.
But I loved that idea of love so much,
That it drove me into the arms of the Prince of Darkness.

He was masquerading as an Angel.
He quoted Shakespeare, serenaded all my favorite love songs,
Dazzled me with flowers and jewelry.
He was the kind of “faux perfection “ that only existed in dreams,
And in romance novels.

And I fell for it all.
I fell for him.
And like in every fairytale, the princess marries the prince,
And rides off into the sunset towards his castle.

From afar his castle looked like gold,
But when we arrived at the gates, it was as if
I had teleported myself into the writings of Edgar Allen Poe.
His castle was a Victorian gothic nightmare, that awaited my blood.

I was 17. I moved away from home.
I was swept off my feet by the Devil,
But the terrors had only begun.

I had settled into my life,
My world was him.
The sun rose around him,
The sun set around him.
I had no problem with that.

But then he changed, from a man into a beast.
Gone, were the songs, and jewelry,
The flowers, the midnight conversations.
And in its place I was given bruises and cuts,
Broken ribs and fingers.
It was a transition that I never saw coming.

For awhile I thought it was my fault,
That I inspired this violence in him.
But the random beatings, the anger that radiated from him,
Had nothing to do with me.
And that naive and gullible girl inside of me thought
That would could save him.

So I stayed.

The bruises disappeared.
The flowers and jewelry came back,
The songs and midnight conversations,
We’re more beautiful the second time around.

The gullible and naive girl inside of me bloomed with victory,
Convincing me that we did it,
We saved him.
So I believed it.

The day I turned 18,
Was a day I’d never forget..

I was filled with anticipation and excitement.
We had never been happier than right now.
He surprises me with a special dinner out and
Made that gullible, naive little girl inside of me feel like a princess
When he got down on one knee,
And asked me to marry him.

I had never loved him more than I did in that moment.
I was bursting at the seams.
I was crying happy tears, and I couldn’t really speak.
But I shook my head yes and accepted his ring.
As he was getting up of his knee,
I dropped a bomb that I had been holding for a month and a half.

I was 18, and carrying his child.
And in that moment I felt like life couldn’t get better.

What a ****** girl I was...
Faust Jul 9
I sit by his grave,
I sigh, and I cry.
I look at his headstone,
And wonder the reasons why.

I pray to be heard,
I pray to be answered,
Is *** alive?
Or does he leave me unanswered?

I’ve gone through the stages;
Grieving,
Anger,
Bargaining,
Acceptance.
But I still have this hole.

I’ve gone to church,
I’ve read the Bible,
Talked to the reverend,
But still no answers.

I’ve talked to ***,
Instead of praying,
but he doesn’t talk back.
I went through this cycle for a year now.

I have nothing else to ask,
I have no prayers left to say,
I just come back to his grave everyday.

I don’t talk to his headstone ,
I sit here and wonder,
What my life will be like when,
I find the strength to stand and go back.

People tell me, it’s time to move on,
That I need to let go.
But when you lose someone close to you,
Then you will understand that a part,
Of you will never be the same,
A part of you will never let go,
That there is this massive hole in my soul.

24 years was not enough time.
He’s been with me since I was in the ****,
He’s the first person I looked at when,
My eyes first opened.
He took care of me,
He brushed my hair,
Taught me to ride my bike,
Protected me from bullies,
He was my best friend.
My big brother.

He raised me.
He believed in me.
He gave me morals and values.
He raised me to be a warrior.

But he couldn’t prepare me,
For what my life would be like,
Without him here.

Don’t tell me to get over the loss,
If you have never felt it.
Just tell me somehow,
One day, I won’t be in this much pain.

I know now,
That I will not have those answers,
At least while I’m still breathing.
And I know that one day, maybe soon,
That I will be able to take a deep breath,
Without feeling like I’ve swallowed glass.

My big brother raised a warrior.
And a warrior is what I will be,
As I kiss his headstone,
I stand knowing that I will carry him with me,
Now until my end,
And into eternity.
Faust Jul 7
I don’t love you like a woman typically loves a man,
With mushy words and hearts and fireworks.
I love you like the ocean crashes onto the shore.
Or how Spring melts the snow with its warmth.

I love you in a way, that a child loves their childhood toy,
Unconditionally without cause, simply because I can.
My love for you isn’t black and white,
I love you more with shades of gray.

I love you with heartfelt immaturity, like a teenager
In love for the first time, finding any reason to fall head
Over heels again, and again,
Because you make me feel like I’m walking on clouds,
Feeling giddy about falling for you, everyday, over again
For the rest of my life.

I love you like paper soaks up ink from the pen,
Uncontrollable and hungry for more words to be,
Written of infatuation and adoration.
I love you, like the dots go above the i’s,
And the lines go through the t’s,
Or how a period at the end of strewn together words,
Somehow makes it a sentence.

I love you the way, the Sistine Chapel was painted,
With slow broad strokes, and the patience of a steady hand.

I paint you with words, the way Michaelangelo, Van Gough, and Picasso painted the world;
With beauty, undying love, devotion and truth.

And because I know of no other way to love you, than this,
You will always be a beautiful masterpiece,
That I was more than lucky enough to find,
Along the way through my journey of life.

And I promise to never repaint you,
Or tarnish your frame,
But to love you the way you were made,
Priceless Perfection...
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