I sit by his grave,
I sigh, and I cry.
I look at his headstone,
And wonder the reasons why.
I pray to be heard,
I pray to be answered,
Is god alive?
Or does he leave me unanswered?
I’ve gone through the stages;
But I still have this hole.
I’ve gone to church,
I’ve read the Bible,
Talked to the reverend,
But still no answers.
I’ve talked to God,
Instead of praying,
but he doesn’t talk back.
I went through this cycle for a year now.
I have nothing else to ask,
I have no prayers left to say,
I just come back to his grave everyday.
I don’t talk to his headstone ,
I sit here and wonder,
What my life will be like when,
I find the strength to stand and go back.
People tell me, it’s time to move on,
That I need to let go.
But when you lose someone close to you,
Then you will understand that a part,
Of you will never be the same,
A part of you will never let go,
That there is this massive hole in my soul.
24 years was not enough time.
He’s been with me since I was in the womb,
He’s the first person I looked at when,
My eyes first opened.
He took care of me,
He brushed my hair,
Taught me to ride my bike,
Protected me from bullies,
He was my best friend.
My big brother.
He raised me.
He believed in me.
He gave me morals and values.
He raised me to be a warrior.
But he couldn’t prepare me,
For what my life would be like,
Without him here.
Don’t tell me to get over the loss,
If you have never felt it.
Just tell me somehow,
One day, I won’t be in this much pain.
I know now,
That I will not have those answers,
At least while I’m still breathing.
And I know that one day, maybe soon,
That I will be able to take a deep breath,
Without feeling like I’ve swallowed glass.
My big brother raised a warrior.
And a warrior is what I will be,
As I kiss his headstone,
I stand knowing that I will carry him with me,
Now until my end,
And into eternity.