We use to talk about this day,
the last time was five years ago.
You told me on the phone at 2
in the morning you were going
to chase that Californian sun.
You told me you were going to
chase something different, try
to be someone new, but back then
you wanted me to come with you.

Our infinitely epic two a.m. calls,
where our voices blended together
created a world only we could see.
We made a world fit for the two
Of us, and how we stood out from
The crowd.

I talked about the beach,
My bare toes in the sand,
Walking on the shore line,
With seashells in my hands.
I’d let my hair blow in the wind,
And my smile would be genuine,
I’d look up at the sky and watch the
Clouds roll by.

You talked about just sitting on the sand,
Watching me smile, as I picked up sea-
Shells in my hands.
You said you’d bring a camera,
So you could have that moment forever,
That my feet first touched the sand.
“ nothing could be more beautiful,
Then your smile in California,
Runaway with me.”

But that was five years ago.
So much has changed.
You’re in California,
Your toes are in the sand,
You get to watch the tide come and go,
You have seashells on your nightstand.

All that was brought to life,
Between you and me,
Will only ever be a bedtime story,
About my past history.

And our two a.m. calls are a part of the past.
I only ever dream about you and California,
On days like this I miss the simplicity of our,
History, our friendship and for a fleeting moment,
Our love.

But we’ll forever be each other’s long distance call.
I fell in love at such a young age.
So young in fact that, it should have been my first clue,
That it wasn’t really love.
A hopeless romantic, who believes in fairy tales,
And wears her heart on her sleeve.
Somehow, I thought that was the girl I was destined to be.

I was naive and gullible.
But I loved that idea of love so much,
That it drove me into the arms of the Prince of Darkness.

He was masquerading as an Angel.
He quoted Shakespeare, serenaded all my favorite love songs,
Dazzled me with flowers and jewelry.
He was the kind of “faux perfection “ that only existed in dreams,
And in romance novels.

And I fell for it all.
I fell for him.
And like in every fairytale, the princess marries the prince,
And rides off into the sunset towards his castle.

From afar his castle looked like gold,
But when we arrived at the gates, it was as if
I had teleported myself into the writings of Edgar Allen Poe.
His castle was a Victorian gothic nightmare, that awaited my blood.

I was 17. I moved away from home.
I was swept off my feet by the Devil,
But the terrors had only begun.

I had settled into my life,
My world was him.
The sun rose around him,
The sun set around him.
I had no problem with that.

But then he changed, from a man into a beast.
Gone, were the songs, and jewelry,
The flowers, the midnight conversations.
And in its place I was given bruises and cuts,
Broken ribs and fingers.
It was a transition that I never saw coming.

For awhile I thought it was my fault,
That I inspired this violence in him.
But the random beatings, the anger that radiated from him,
Had nothing to do with me.
And that naive and gullible girl inside of me thought
That would could save him.

So I stayed.

The bruises disappeared.
The flowers and jewelry came back,
The songs and midnight conversations,
We’re more beautiful the second time around.

The gullible and naive girl inside of me bloomed with victory,
Convincing me that we did it,
We saved him.
So I believed it.

The day I turned 18,
Was a day I’d never forget..

I was filled with anticipation and excitement.
We had never been happier than right now.
He surprises me with a special dinner out and
Made that gullible, naive little girl inside of me feel like a princess
When he got down on one knee,
And asked me to marry him.

I had never loved him more than I did in that moment.
I was bursting at the seams.
I was crying happy tears, and I couldn’t really speak.
But I shook my head yes and accepted his ring.
As he was getting up of his knee,
I dropped a bomb that I had been holding for a month and a half.

I was 18, and carrying his child.
And in that moment I felt like life couldn’t get better.

What a stupid girl I was...
AJae Faust Jul 9
I sit by his grave,
I sigh, and I cry.
I look at his headstone,
And wonder the reasons why.

I pray to be heard,
I pray to be answered,
Is god alive?
Or does he leave me unanswered?

I’ve gone through the stages;
But I still have this hole.

I’ve gone to church,
I’ve read the Bible,
Talked to the reverend,
But still no answers.

I’ve talked to God,
Instead of praying,
but he doesn’t talk back.
I went through this cycle for a year now.

I have nothing else to ask,
I have no prayers left to say,
I just come back to his grave everyday.

I don’t talk to his headstone ,
I sit here and wonder,
What my life will be like when,
I find the strength to stand and go back.

People tell me, it’s time to move on,
That I need to let go.
But when you lose someone close to you,
Then you will understand that a part,
Of you will never be the same,
A part of you will never let go,
That there is this massive hole in my soul.

24 years was not enough time.
He’s been with me since I was in the womb,
He’s the first person I looked at when,
My eyes first opened.
He took care of me,
He brushed my hair,
Taught me to ride my bike,
Protected me from bullies,
He was my best friend.
My big brother.

He raised me.
He believed in me.
He gave me morals and values.
He raised me to be a warrior.

But he couldn’t prepare me,
For what my life would be like,
Without him here.

Don’t tell me to get over the loss,
If you have never felt it.
Just tell me somehow,
One day, I won’t be in this much pain.

I know now,
That I will not have those answers,
At least while I’m still breathing.
And I know that one day, maybe soon,
That I will be able to take a deep breath,
Without feeling like I’ve swallowed glass.

My big brother raised a warrior.
And a warrior is what I will be,
As I kiss his headstone,
I stand knowing that I will carry him with me,
Now until my end,
And into eternity.
AJae Faust Jul 7
I don’t love you like a woman typically loves a man,
With mushy words and hearts and fireworks.
I love you like the ocean crashes onto the shore.
Or how Spring melts the snow with its warmth.

I love you in a way, that a child loves their childhood toy,
Unconditionally without cause, simply because I can.
My love for you isn’t black and white,
I love you more with shades of gray.

I love you with heartfelt immaturity, like a teenager
In love for the first time, finding any reason to fall head
Over heels again, and again,
Because you make me feel like I’m walking on clouds,
Feeling giddy about falling for you, everyday, over again
For the rest of my life.

I love you like paper soaks up ink from the pen,
Uncontrollable and hungry for more words to be,
Written of infatuation and adoration.
I love you, like the dots go above the i’s,
And the lines go through the t’s,
Or how a period at the end of strewn together words,
Somehow makes it a sentence.

I love you the way, the Sistine Chapel was painted,
With slow broad strokes, and the patience of a steady hand.

I paint you with words, the way Michaelangelo, Van Gough, and Picasso painted the world;
With beauty, undying love, devotion and truth.

And because I know of no other way to love you, than this,
You will always be a beautiful masterpiece,
That I was more than lucky enough to find,
Along the way through my journey of life.

And I promise to never repaint you,
Or tarnish your frame,
But to love you the way you were made,
Priceless Perfection...
AJae Faust Jun 27
I think of you today,
And recall every memory.

My heart is broken,
I’m still grieving,
My life is still changing,
And I’m still adapting,
To this life without you.

Today, is your 29th birthday.
It’s a normal Wednesday for the rest of the world,
But for me,
Today, marks the day that my hero
Was once born,
Once lived,
Once breathed.

Your life mattered,
You mattered to me.
When the rest of the world will one day
I will still be here,
Remembering you.

I will always remember...

Happy Birthday, Big Brother
On June 27th, 1989
My brother was born in Rapid City, SD.
September 6th, 2016, I lost my Big Brother in an accident that took place in DeerTrail, CO.
He was 27 years Old.
AJae Faust May 18
When I was 5,
The world seemed like this big place.
I was little, with no clue how to navigate.
But then, by chance I met you.

You, with your dark brown hair,
And eyes that belonged to an old soul.
I found a friend in you.

When your little, you’re still growing into
Your own person.
So there is no differences to separate you.
We were little and innocent.
We became connected.

We  blinked and suddenly we were no longer 5.
We were pre-teens in junior high,
With a little less innocence.

Always changing, always growing,
We still found a way to be inseparable.
We were best friends.

I found it easy to talk to you,
2 a.m. phone calls,
Telling you my secrets.
I never hid behind walls with you.
There was never a reason.
So I fell in love with you.

You, with your arms opened wide,
Making me feel safe.
Feeling like for once, I found my forever.
I found real love with you.

People change, and grow.
People want different things,
They drift apart.
And found I wanted more,
Than the life we planned.

I found it easier to push you away,
Then to tell you the things in my life,
That became dark.
I pushed you away,
I rejected what you gave me,
Because I couldn’t trust anyone.
I didn’t think you’d understand.
So I hurt you.

You, with your calming demeanor,
And your happy life.
The way you walked on sunshine.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t darken that.

Now we’re grown,
With children of our own.
We see their innocence,
We want some of ours back.

Because of the pain I put you through,
You locked me out of your life for 12 years.
So, now I’m letting you back in.
Letting you see the person I’ve become,
With the wall I’ve built to protect myself.
Letting you know the truth and see my scars.
Hoping that after all this time,
You can forgive me.

You, whom I hold on a pedestal.
The one friend I still love and respect,
And miss more than anyone else who has left.
You, who can still look at me,
And see something other than the darkness.
AJae Faust May 16
My dreams have filtered you in again.
I thought for a second it was safe to sleep.
When I close my eyes, it’s always your face I see.

I open my eyes and stare into blue.
I see your mouth form the words,
“I love you.”

Like an idiot, I smile.
Like a fool, I believe.
Like a child, I trust.

When I wake up I am shaken,
Because I let you in.
I thought I got rid of these memories,
But you keep finding a way to break in.

These memories are painful,
You and me,
Skin on skin,
Tangled beneath the sheet.

Your lips on my neck,
My hands on your back,
Your breath on my skin,
My heart beating fast.

This is making my head spin.
I’m sliding down the wall.
I’m sitting here staring blankly,
As my heart relives it all.

I can’t stop my breath from catching.
I can’t stop the tears as they fall.
The good isn’t all that I see.
The bad won’t be stalled.

These memories are wrecking me,
Me and you,
Yelling and shouting,
Slamming separate doors.

My tears spilling into my hands,
Your form silhouetted in the hall,
My hands shaking,
You walking out that door.

My head is pounding,
I’m feeling very sick,
I’m sitting here on my knees
Heaving these memories,
To flush away.

Finally I am breathing,
The tears have gone,
The movie is over,
But I’m still alone.

There will always be a million “what if’s”.
There will always be a memory of you,
But if I can stand up after this?
I can get over you.

As I lay down in bed,
I’ll turn the light off,
I’ll take that deep breath,
And close my eyes again,
And let my mind wander with ease.
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