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Apr 2014 · 1.3k
Overchewed
AJ Claus Apr 2014
I am stuck in a sticky state.
I’m a piece of gum,
thoroughly chewed.
By now, quite overused,
I've lost all taste.
My life has become an endless blur,
every day the same,
like an old song on repeat.
Overplayed,
I’m sick of it,
and have been for quite some time now.
I need change,
desperately,
achingly,
need it.
I can’t live like this anymore,
can’t live every day on repeat,
never changing my pattern,
never changing beat.
Nothing anymore makes me happy,
no food tastes as sweet
as it did before,
when my life was filled with open doors,
with opportunities,
change,
chances to rearrange,
to take on new adventures
every day.
But now, every day is a struggle,
always the same.
My depression has taken charge,
taken over what little control
I had left in my life.
It is my captor, and I its hostage,
locked up in its grasp, its chains,
until further notice.
I pray for the day
that it sets me free,
which is hopefully soon,
but probably never.
I’ll die before it lets me go,
yet I sometimes feel like death
would be better than feeling this low;
it would be release,
release from my endless days on repeat,
for which life just can’t seem to cease.
But for now I am stuck.
I am the gum you've been gnawing on for hours,
and you want so badly to spit me out,
but now just isn't the right time.
So you keep
chew
chew
chewing
that tasteless gum of mine,
wishing you could trade it out
for a piece with real flavor.
All I wish for
is a life with real meaning,
so that finally, again,
I can start feeling.
Until then,
I am numb,
much overchewed,
tired and used,
and feeling abused
by my own mind,
this cruel, cruel depression
that’s running my life,
and now I’m running out of time.
Feb 2014 · 513
Sparks Fly
AJ Claus Feb 2014
When we touch,
sparks fly,
zipping between our finger tips.
What electricity we have;
It's shocking,
like our connection is rated in volts,
and we score off the charts.
When we kiss,
I feel jolted with energy
that is so sweet,
so heated;
It's like fireworks are exploding
inside our bodies
up into our hearts,
making them beat a million miles an hour.
The electric current,
those bright firework in every color,
jump-started my heart,
and now it won't stop,
continuously speeding up
like an engine
speeding down the open highway.

You are so sweet,
my addiction,
and I can't get enough.
I would take a lighting strike
if it meant we could be together.
Though every time we are,
whenever we touch, hug, kiss,
lightning strikes me anyway,
and sparks erupt through our bodies
like a storm.
Our chemistry creates a hurricane,
drenching us in passion, in rain;
electricity flowing between us
like an endless tornado,
sweeping us up
and pulling us together.
We hold on like our lives depend on it,
and sometimes it truly feels
like without that pulsing energy,
our hearts would stop.
So I will not let go,
no.
I will hold on tight,
and forever let our
sparks fly.
Feb 2014 · 698
Standing Out
AJ Claus Feb 2014
I'm not really that ordinary,
I'd like to think extraordinary,
but that might be going
just a bit too far.
No matter what I say, though,
I know the way I want to go,
and that more than anything
I don't want to blend in.
I'm different, I'm unique,
always thinking on my feet,
standing up for my beliefs
so that I may stand out,
out from the crowd.
No need to speak so loud.
Actions speak louder than words,
after all.
I won't be just another face
in this world of endless people.
I want to be me,
not someone else.
I will not conform,
I will not give in,
I will always only just simply be myself.
And no one can convince me to do otherwise.
They'd be wasting their time,
and worse, they'd waste mine.
I certainly won't spend a dime
to be something I'm not.
And they should know that now,
not later.
I am standing out from the normal,
the ordinary,
the boring.
I am standing out to take control
of my life and of my world.
I am standing out,
and I'll never look back.
Feb 2014 · 428
Addiction
AJ Claus Feb 2014
I fight in a battle against myself,
a war between life and death.
The longer it roars on,
the less chance, I think,
I have to win.
And I have to win,
because losing means
that I lose everything,
and everyone that matters to me loses, too.
In this fight to the death,
I’m killing myself slowly,
my addiction eating away at
my health,
my judgments,
my relationships.
I am either looked at
like a sad puppy,
pitied and worried about,
or a diseased dog,
judged, backed away from.
I am losing myself
as I lose this war,
and it looks, indeed, like I am losing.
This is a fight
between my addiction and me,
and it is the stronger foe;
it is my mortal enemy.
And when it’s done,
when it has won,
I’ll have lost my mortality.

I am dying,
and I can’t stop it,
even though I am the only one
who can actually try.
I feel hopeless
as I fight against myself,
the addict-me versus the old-me,
as the old-me tries to win back
what it lost so long ago.
I don’t even remember
what sober feels like anymore.
Every time I try to quit,
I fail,
I sit
writhing in agony
as my need proceeds
to pull me back in;
the taste I can’t
get out of my head
overwhelms me
until no longer can I see
straight,
and more than anything,
I truly hate
that antagonizing taste
inside my head,
because soon enough,
it will leave me for dead.
But until then
I can only try to survive,
as I fight myself
and the addiction inside.
You are never alone as you fight something as terrible as alcohol addiction, but only you can begin to fight back. There is help around every corner, but you must be brave enough to reach out and ask for it. Your life is on the line, so fight to win your war.
Feb 2014 · 729
Cleansing
AJ Claus Feb 2014
It's raining.
I knew it would today,
long before the sun slipped behind
the slowly darkening clouds.
I could feel it when I awoke
from a sleep filled with nightmares
of all my worst memories.
Sweat soaked me
like I had been in a torrential downpour,
and I knew instantly that today,
rain would rush down from the heavens
like a never-ending waterfall.
I don't know how I knew,
but I did.

Rays of sun beamed down
as I stepped outside
only hours ago.
And now it is raining,
and I step outside again,
cautious at first;
But then I leap into the sodden grass,
which soaked up every drop
like its life depended on it,
like it would be its last.
I soaked them up too,
as if they were my lifeline.

It was only a light shower at first,
but quickly the drops turned into
streams of frigid water,
a river falling from the sky.
I faced it head on,
letting it drench my face,
my hair,
my clothes,
which clung to my body
like a second layer of skin.
But it was not uncomfortable,
unpleasant,
nor even cold.
It filled my body with a warmth
that the sun hadn't given me in years.

For so long I felt nothing,
only guilt, anger, sadness...
Nothing good, no gladness.
Life meant little to me.
I was never a very good person,
but I tried to change.
I really tried.
Yet still, the guilt stuck to me
like glue,
or the gum you can't get off your shoe.
The days blended together,
and time lost all meaning.
But today, everything changes.
Everything will be different.

It's raining,
and the drops are cleansing me of my sins,
setting me free,
letting go of my guilt, my past, for me.
I feel rejuvenated,
restored,
revived,
like once again
I can thrive,
for at last
I've been purified,
cleansed of my old ways,
of my bad side.
From this day forth
I'll have nothing to hide.

And still the rain falls,
more gently, now,
and I smile for the first time
in what feels like years.
Birds chirp in the distance,
shaking the water from their wings
so that they may fly,
take flight and soar
through the endless sky.
Just as I
shake off my guilt and my sorrow,
shedding them like an old coat
that just doesn't fit right anymore,
and turn them into
what I can only call hope.

It is no longer raining,
but now I lay in the blades of greener grass,
warming under the sun
as I watch the day pass.
Time slows and regains meaning,
and finally I have regained feeling.
Soon enough my eyes start to close,
as sleep takes over me.
At last I dream happy dreams,
filled with the hope
of how things will change,
of how things can finally be.
For the first time in forever,
I feel completely free.
Feb 2014 · 742
Sketches in the Stars
AJ Claus Feb 2014
To me, constellations
Are like sketches in the stars.
You stare at the sky
Until your eyes burn,
Wondering where oh where they are.

Looking for those shapeless shapes
Is like playing connect-the-dots.
You point, reach out
At those ***** of fire,
And luckily, this close, there're not so hot.

Twinkling, twinkling,
Those stars in the sky.
I wish oh I wish
That I could see them up close,
Oh how I wish I could fly.

If I could then I would soar,
Wouldn't wait for a second chance.
I'd leap into the night,
Taking instant flight,
And look back down on a world full of ants.

The stars would grow closer,
No longer quite so small.
I'd do flips,
So excited!
No fear, not scared at all.

At last I'd leave our atmosphere,
Yet somehow I would breathe.
I would finally taste
My outer space,
And I'd never want to leave.

The moon would be my first destination,
A crescent, not actually round.
I'd curl into its curve,
It would rock me to sleep,
And at last I'd feel safe and sound.

Next, now awake, I would go exploring,
Shooting, like stars, here and there.
I'd fly all around,
Never touching the ground,
And all without a care.

Finally I'd go chasing
After my burning ***** of light.
No longer could I
Connect those huge dots,
But I was warmed by those stars oh so bright.

So no more could I make
My sketches in the stars,
But at last
I'd be among them,
And know exactly where they are.
Feb 2014 · 766
Anguish
AJ Claus Feb 2014
I never thought I would ever feel
such terrible, terrible pain.
I never thought I would feel so alone,
or be left alone to rot in my misery.
But here I am, lonely and hurting
both inside and out...
I anguish.
And it's all your fault.
I thought you were the one,
that you'd love me forever;
not once did I imagine
us not staying together.
It was perfect, and felt so right.
But then one day, it went so wrong.
I woke up,
and you were gone.
No note, no goodbye...
and I couldn't cope,
because I didn't know why.
I gave up everything...
family, friends, my home...
to be with you,
then be left all alone.
No one approved, you see.
But I fought, saying "listen to me!"
Then I told them they were wrong,
that I loved you
and you loved me, too.
So they left me, said I was on my own.
And now you've left me too,
and I realize that I was the one that was wrong all along.
So terribly wrong.
Now I don't have you
or my home.

So I anguish.

I sit in the shadows of this lonely world
filled with people who I don't know,
nor care about.
And they don't give me a second look.
I'm pitiful.
I go about every day in a haze,
a blurred daze,
lost in my ways;
can't get out,
can't move on.
Can't do anything anymore.
I feel...

                                                        ­                                        nothing.


I am numb,
and I don't know if I will ever feel anything but pain
ever
again.
The pain you caused.
The pain I loathe.
The pain I can't seem to run away from.

And so I anguish.

Miserable, all the time.
Not that time has any meaning, anymore.
I've lost track of the day...
every hour, week, year,
speeds by,
rushes past me,
leaving me in the dust,
with the dust,
covered in dust.
I am stuck in the past,
my horrible, terrible past,
and I cannot move on,
forget what you've done,
no matter how hard I try.
All that I can do is
sit in the shadows and cry.
The tears sting my cheeks like acid rain,
falling down in constant pain,
filled with the only memories that remain.
All bad, or sad;
even the happy ones make me mad.
Because they're all of you,
or my friends and family...
everything I've lost,
and all because of you.

And so here, now,
I anguish.

I cannot stop.

I hate you, you know.
I gave you three years of my life.
And now I give you more,
because even when you're gone,
I can't move on.
Why did you leave, abandon me?
Why did you prove me wrong?
I thought that you would always be there for me,
love me too, like I've always loved you.
But now that love has
tarnished,
rotted,
decomposed,
into such
vengeful hate.
You cracked my heart like a china plate;
fragile as it was,
you didn't even care.
You threw it on the ground
and left it there.
To wither away, maybe?
Or would you rather it be shredded like paper,
torn,
ripped,
burned down to a crisp,
to ashes that will seep down into the earth,
down to Hell where you belong.

I hope you die.

Or at least get what you deserve.
Until then,
                            
                              ­                                                                 ­   I anguish.

Time stands still, like I do,
unmoving,
uncaring,
unfeeling...
I've lost everything.
Least of all,
you.
I thought that I loved you,
and would never forget,
never regret,
all that we once had.
But now all I want to do is forget,
and I could never regret it more.

And still,
I anguish.

Maybe I have lost this battle,
and the war inside me still raging on
seems hopeless, too;
but I'm glad now, at least,
that I have lost you.
I just wish I had sooner,
before I made my biggest mistakes;
falling into your sticky web and
choosing you over those I had always trusted before...
How could I have been so
stupid?
I should have slammed the door
in your pathetic face long ago.
And yet still, now,
I cannot let it go,
cannot move on,
cannot handle the pain you caused,
the pain you put me through.

So I anguish,
and I'm afraid that that is all I will ever be able to do.
Feb 2014 · 617
Noc Noc
AJ Claus Feb 2014
Who's there...?
No really, I'm scared!
I'm scared of the dark.
Night brings the dark,
And now it is night.
Dark, dark night.
But until the lights go out,
Everything's alright.
Well, the lights are out...
Everyone is asleep in their beds,
Snoring, peaceful,
With dreams in their heads.
But I am awake
And terrified instead.

What was that?
I think I heard another noise...
A sound, quite quiet,
That doesn't belong.
I'm hiding in my sheets,
Sheltered from the eyes that
I just know are out there,
Beyond my reach,
Waiting to get me.
I squeeze my eyes shut.
It's even darker now.
The silence starts to settle in,
Slowly, driving me insane.
Then a noise in the night,
To me, such a fright.

Who
Is
There?

I'm so scared...
If I could just reach the light,
But the switch is miles away
On my wall.
He, it, would catch me
Before I could ever reach it.
It would reach me first.
And I would have to leave
My covered cavern,
Where at least I can pretend
That I am safe.
What a lie!
I don't even believe myself.
Why should I?

It is pitch black.
Everyone is asleep in their bed.
Or dead.
And I'm next, oh god...
He'll get me, I know it!
I can't fall asleep,
And shouldn't even if I could.
Too dangerous.
Of course, at least I'd have a few moments
To dream away my fear.
Though more likely it would follow me
Into a terrible nightmare.
He's waiting for me
To drift off,
To leave my body unarmed,
Unaware.
He's out there.

So I'm scared.
So scared.
Scared of the dark...
Of the night...
Oh, why can't there be light?
But they already said "night night,
Don't let the bed bugs bite."
Bed bugs?
More like monsters.
Or worse...
Murderers.
Why would they leave me alone?
How could they?
I'm scared of the dark...

I'm
So
Scared...

Please turn on the light...

-knock knock-

Who's...there...

"Night night..."
"Noc noc" means "night night" in Polish.
Dec 2013 · 751
Blink
AJ Claus Dec 2013
Blink.
A quick action.
No one notices when your eyes are closed
For that one silent second.
No, millisecond.
So small, you would think that it wouldn't
matter at all.
Yet it does.

Blink.
Just one single flutter of your eyelids,
And you can miss so much.
Close your eyes in day,
Then you open them in night.
Close them during peace,
Opened to war and fight.
And fright.

Blink.
The world keeps rotating
Never-ending on its axis.
Life goes on, moves along.
Nothing stops for you,
Not even your own mind.
Your eyes might be closed,
But your brain churns with a clutter of thoughts.
Your eyes open,
But clarity is hard to see even then.

Blink.
You're not a child anymore.

Blink.
Time zooming, zipping, fast as a car.

Blink.
The next thing you know and-

Blink.
You've done it again.

Blink.
Missed something huge,
Part of your life,
Part of your world.

Blink.
Stop;
Don't let life pass you by.

Blink.
Stop blinking.
Keep your eyes open.

...Blink.
It's hard.
I know.
But you have to...

Try.
Dec 2013 · 736
Hell's too Good a Place
AJ Claus Dec 2013
Who are you
To come into my life and take over?
What right do you have?
None.
None at all.
You might be good,
You sure think you are,
But your attitude says otherwise.
You don't even care.
Well I do.
And guess what?
That doesn't even matter any more.
You've stomped in
And stomped on my life.
Everything I've worked for.
All for nothing, now.
8 years of my life: wasted.
What was the point?
If you were just going to ****** up everything I loved?
You've taken the joy,
The passion, out of life.
You've taken what I stand for
And thrown it out
To be picked up with the trash.
How dare you.
You tear me apart, make me crazy!
And not in any good way.
I tried to get along,
Play nice.
But you made it hard.
Impossible.
We are opposites, enemies, opponents in all things.
Every time I do something,
You go and do it better.
You always show me up,
And every time it tears me down.
You keep winning, and there's nothing I can do.
I wish there was.
I'm miserable. All the time.
I can't stand to be near you, to hear your voice.
You torment me in person and in thought.
I would tell you I hate you,
But hate is too good a word,
And frankly,
Hell's too good a place.
Nov 2013 · 788
Salt Water Tears
AJ Claus Nov 2013
When I am weary,
I do not weep.
I hold in my tears
And fall into deep sleep.

My mind starts to wander
Through dreams of pure bliss.
But then I am falling
Down an abyss.

Confused and in shock,
I ****** out my hand,
To grab onto something
Before reaching land.

With nothing to hold,
I start to lose hope.
I glance down and see blue,
Then land in a boat.

It rocks back and forth,
As the wind blows,
Sailing proud on the ocean,
Where headed? Who knows.

Seasick and alone,
I leap into waves.
Head bobbing in, out,
I try to stay brave.

Now fully submerged,
No air to take in.
My lungs getting tight,
Oh, is this the end?

Holding in my last breath,
I squeeze my eyes shut,
Then I pray and I pray
To be out of this rut.

I open my mouth
To fine, glorious air.
My eyes come to a squint,
And I only stare.

My dream at an end,
Or nightmare I'd say,
I can finally relax,
My fear now at bay.

I think of the sadness
From before and I sigh,
And now after so much,
I let myself cry.

My tears, though, are not
As fresh as can be.
I cry salt water tears,
My dream, now reality.
Nov 2013 · 1.0k
Heartbeat
AJ Claus Nov 2013
Bump
Ba-bump
Ba-bump goes my heart.
Going so fast,
And you made it start.

Bump
Ba-bump
Ba-bump it's speaking.
Whispering to me,
Begging me please.

Bump
Ba-bump
Ba-bump it wants you.
I can't control it,
Do you hear it too?

Bump
Ba-bump
Ba-bump as it writhes,
Twisting and turning
And growing inside.

Bump
Ba-bump
Ba-bump it cries out.
Making me long
To grab you and shout!

Bump
Ba-bump
Ba-bump it won't stop.
Down to the floor,
It wants to drop.

Bump
Ba-bump
Ba-bump please oh please.
My heart cannot take it,
It needs you with me.

Bump
Ba-bump
Ba-bump deep inside.
I know that without you,
I'll surely die.

Bump
Ba-bump
Ba
Bump
Ba

Bump

Ba...


Bump...



Don't let me die.
Nov 2013 · 1.6k
Endlessly Winding Road
AJ Claus Nov 2013
I walk along a road,
An endlessly winding road.
Miles and miles with no end,
No shoes upon my feet.
I started to ache long, long ago,
My back holding in crumbling bones.
My head pounds with every step.
The air is hot and humid,
No rain in sight to cool me down.
It's like a desert out here,
Yet it is just a road.
An endlessly winding road.
A road dressed in all black,
Hard like the rock it is.
A single white line runs down the middle.
It signifies hope.
Or maybe the lack of any such thing.
Each step I take along my path,
The more heat spreads up through
My burning red feet.
I dream of something cold...of ice.
Something I could place upon my singed soles.
And maybe something figurative
For my singed soul.
Alas, imagination only goes so far.
My dreams crushed,
My toes on fire,
I sigh and continue down the road.
My road.
This long, endlessly winding road,
Which I have come to loath.
I know not how I even came upon it,
Nor if it is truly endless.
I know not if it will ever end,
Nor if I will ever be released from
This endlessly winding nightmare.
This endlessly winding prison.
This endlessly winding road.
Nov 2013 · 997
Danger
AJ Claus Nov 2013
Darkness consumes,
Terror exhumes ,
I have nowhere to go.
Lost, so lost,
No light to be found,
I've never felt so low.
I'm scared,
I'm alone,
Out here on my own.
No one to help,
No one to hear,
Only my own two terrified ears.
Oh god!
What was that?
What was that sound?
Is it help on the way?
Have I finally been found?
A rustling of bushes,
A crinkle of leaves.
Not help,
No, they're hiding.
Could be murderers or thieves!
I stay silent,
I listen
With oh so much care,
Care so they don't
See me standing there.
More rustling,
Louder now.
Such loud, crunching leaves.
They're coming! They're coming!
Those murderers and thieves!
Eyes wide with terror,
Into action I leap.
I run, I jolt forward,
So fast on my feet.
I hear footsteps behind
Gaining speed as I run.
They're coming!
They're chasing!
Oh god,
What can be done?!
Danger!
Danger!
Danger, I fear!
With my ear, I hear,
That danger is near!
Oh I pray,
Will help come?
No no, I think not.
No one is near
To watch me get caught.
Nov 2013 · 652
Paper Cup
AJ Claus Nov 2013
You look like you need a drink,
It's been a very long day.
But doesn't it just really stink,
That your drink has no place to stay?

Well fear no longer my very fine friend,
For I am here to help!
Your undying thirst will soon reach its end,
All you have to do is yelp.

But how in the world can I help you, you ask?
Or you might just say, "what's up?"
It really is rather I quite simple task,
All you need is one paper cup!

"That's all?" you doubt, not sure it is true.
Why yes, I tell you! Of course!
Look for yourself, you really must see!
They truly are quite a force.

Finally you rethought my proposal,
And then gave me a pleading look.
You knew that you wanted at your disposal
A cup! So I gave and you took.

See what I mean? Isn't it grand?
"It's magnificent!" you say.
"I love the feel of this paper cup in my hand,
And my thirst has at last gone away!"
Nov 2013 · 693
Peter Pan
AJ Claus Nov 2013
One night I was sleeping
Soundly in bed,
When I heard an odd noise
From over my head.

I opened my eyes,
And what did I see?
A boy in all green,
Just staring at me!

My mouth open wide,
I let out a scream,
And wondered if it
Could all be a dream.

Frightened, the boy
Flew quickly away.
Wait, flew? Yes, flew!
He flew upwards, I say!

When he saw that I
Wouldn't shout anymore,
He came out of hiding,
And stood back on the floor.

Scared but in awe
Of this magical boy,
I reached out my hand
And he took it with joy.

I asked for his name,
And he said, "Peter Pan!
Always a boy,
And never a man!"

I laughed at this statement,
And with hands on his hips,
He flew back up in the air
And did a few flips.

No longer scared,
I was happy as can be,
Peter flew to my side
Saying, "come fly with me!"

With a burst of excitement,
I grabbed at his hand,
And flew along with him
To his home, Neverland.

Although he was small,
This boy dressed in tights,
Could fly up and reach
The greatest of heights.
Nov 2013 · 332
Words to Live By
AJ Claus Nov 2013
Live the life you love,
& love the life you live.
My motto in life. I wear it every day on my wrist and my heart like a tangible thing, so that I won't forget to be thankful for what I have and strive for what I don't.
Nov 2013 · 349
Overload
AJ Claus Nov 2013
The air is thick,
Hard to breathe,
Full of thoughts that
I've hidden underneath.

They have grown,
Building, building,
Until I am bursting
At the seams with feelings.

Just one more punch
And I'll be pushed over the edge.
Turns out it was just a poke
That broke past my limits instead.

I was hit with a rush
Of emotions overloaded.
I broke down completely;
It was about time I exploded.

If I had just had someone
With whom I could confide,
I would have shared, bit by bit,
All the feelings I hid deep inside.
Oct 2013 · 1.5k
Eternally Pessimistic
AJ Claus Oct 2013
With every closed door
Comes an open window,
Which will let in cold air
And make you sick.

But don't open the door again.
You'll get robbed...
And not just of your hopes and dreams.
Oct 2013 · 706
Me
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Me
I am a bird,
Flying so high.
I am a tree,
Branches reach to the sky.

I am a cat
With a cute little meow.
I am a lion
With a ferocious growl.

I am a pencil
With a point always sharp.
I am lined paper
Who's been ripped apart.

I am loose change,
I make lots of noise.
I am a statue,
I've got grace and poise.

I am a building,
Structured and strong.
I am a king
Who's never been wrong.

I am a flower,
Oh so unique.
I am a dancer
Who just reached my peak.

I am a human
With reason and thought.
I am a fish
Who's got not a lot.

I am an enigma,
Not yet figured out.
I am a dream
That's gone with a shout.

I am the darkness
With secrets I can't say.
I am the light
Shining bright every day.

I am whatever
I want to be.
But most importantly,
I'm always me.
Oct 2013 · 593
Illuminating
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Take a good look at me;
I'm an open book.
Read me from cover to cover,
And maybe you'd learn a thing or two.
AJ Claus Oct 2013
To: Everyone
From: Juliet

You might have known me.
You might have not.
You might have been my "friend",
Or you might have teased me.
In fact, you probably did,
Or would have...
Day after day,
Name after name,
Always so nasty,
Always the same.

Now when I said before
That you could have been my friend,
I lied.
You might have thought you were.
Or pretended to be.
But you probably still teased me.
And even so,
You would have known
What I was planning,
That I really wasn't "fine" or "ok",
And helped me fine another way.
But no, I hid it well.
Or maybe you just never cared.
I don't think anyone did.
Not even my family.
Yes you:
Mom, pop, you know you didn't.
Don't lie, don't pretend,
Don't kid yourselves again.
You called him your favorite...
You called me a failure...
You think it's my fault?
You didn't raise me right,
Or fairly,
And you know that you barely
Ever showed me love or care
Or ran your fingers through my hair.
I'd wake up from a nightmare
And crawl into your bed.
Instead of cooing "it's alright"
You yelled
You screamed
You shunned me from your room,
And you shunned me from your life.
You probably won't even miss me,
Will you?
No.
I think not.
You still have him,
And that's all you ever wanted.

I wonder...
Will any of you miss me?
Will any of you ever realize
That I'm gone, gone forever?
Maybe someday way far off,
A pondering student will ask:
"Hey, where's that one weird girl?
Wasn't she in our class?"
Shoulders will shrug,
Heads will tilt,
But no answer will be found.
You won't remember that I died
And was buried in the ground.

If I have a funeral,
I'm sure it will be small.
My parents won't pay much,
If they even pay at all.
They'd send out invitations,
Or maybe measly emails;
But they'll all just end up
In the trash or in the junk mail.
No one cares.
No one.
If they come,
They don't cry.
Why would they?
What reason would they, you,
Have to shed a tear
On my account?
You don't even know me.
No one would speak,
Or say a single thing.
No one would share a memory,
Because there are none to remember.

So you see, now, the point
Of this letter to all of you:
The people, anyone and everyone,
From a strange stranger girl
Who no one knows or ever knew.
I serve no purpose,
I serve no point,
There's nothing left for me.
At least nothing,
Not one thing,
That my eyes could ever see.
So today I will die
At my own two worthless hands.
I'll mail this letter
And then I'll be gone.
If you happen to be reading this now,
Then I am long gone.
How?
I don't know yet.
I can't decide.
Whether gun, knife, or pills,
Or maybe a rope
Around my throat.
If you're curious,
I'm sure the news will know.
If they even notice I'm gone,
Unlike everyone else.
If they do,
They won't show my face,
Or even my name,
Just: "teen girl: found dead"
Then they'll move on to a special report
On a sport of some sort.
No one will ever remember my name,
Juliet, if you even care.
I won't even bother
To give you my last.
What does it matter
Now that I'm gone?
Dead and gone.
I'm the past.

I won't have killed myself
For a love like Romeo.
I'll be doing it
For lack of love,
For lack of any such thing.
It won't be dramatic,
It won't be remembered,
It won't be written down
To be read for years
And performed over town.
It won't be important,
Because I'M not important.
I am nothing.
Nothing at all.

So goodbye,
If you care.
Nothing shall change,
Besides maybe the air.
Will you feel it?
Me?
My looming spirit?
Probably not.
If you didn't notice me there alive,
You won't notice when I'm gone.
So again, goodbye.
Farewell.
So long.
The end...
Oct 2013 · 2.1k
Insomnia
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Tick tick tick tick tick
Clock endlessly ticking, clicking in my ear,
On and on, will it ever stop?

Tick tick tick tick tick
Seconds pass, slow, barely moving,
Louder and louder, practically screaming now.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Rolling over, flipping pillows, kicking covers,
Nothing, not a thing, is working.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Eyes squeeze shut, then open, drooping,
Won't stay closed, won't let me disappear into darkness.

Tick tick tick tick tick
How long has it been?
Hands moving on the clock, going...backwards?

Tick tick tick tick tick
My dreamland awaits,
Yet all I can do is daydream about those far off dreams I want to dream.

Tick tick tick tick tick
My mind is my prison,
My cruel captor, my mortal enemy,  my unending undoing.

Tick tick tick tick tick
I must be going mad, utterly mad,
Stuck with this insomnia inside my blanketed asylum.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Hoping my tears will bring exhaustion,
But I'm just left in an ocean of hopelessness.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Staring at the inhuman neon numbers
That have come to rule my night, my life.

Tick tick tick tick tick
I try anything, no matter how cliché.
But not even counting coats of snowy wool can help me now.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Please lift me from this retched curse.
I'd take 100 years of sleep over no time at all.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Why won't my thoughts stop? Please!
Leave me be, leave me alone, let me sleep!

Tick tick tick tick tick
Yet they still run on, never-ending,
As the clock tick ticks away to the beat of my heart.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Ba bump, ba bump, ba bump, ba bump, ba bump,
Clock and heart in time together, intertwined as one.

Tick     tick        tick           tick              tick
As my heart slows, coming to a final stop.
I am grateful, and the clock fades off once and for all.

Insomnia gone,
I can sleep at last,
And I'm drawn into another world
Where my dreams become reality
And sheep frolick through fields
Along with me for all eternity.

Tick

Tick


Tick



Tick




Tick





Stop.
Oct 2013 · 549
Twister
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Left hand green.
Right foot red, in between.
Stretch across the board,
Reach,
Reach!
Made it,
Now just stay,
Don't fall, don't sway,
Don't let them win the game.

Left foot blue.
Right hand yellow, too.
Breathe deep,
Keep still.
Starting to sweat,
Dripping down onto the board.
Drip, drip, drip,
Don't dare slip!

Left hand red.
Oh! Left hand blue instead.
So close to your neighbor,
Too close.
Legs crossed,
Hips touching.
Hand over hand.
Hearing their breaths,
In out, in out.
Contact leads to nerves.
Starting to shake.
But don't give up,
Stay till the end.
Don't lose,
Win.
Oct 2013 · 805
Takeoff
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Hold me close and we'll go far
Into the darkening sky.
We'll travel to the northern star,
No need for pixie dust to fly.
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Everything is so big.
The people, the places, the things.
Even the words.
What does "discipline" mean?
Ow!
Why did you hit me?
Did I do something wrong?
Oh, I'm not allowed to draw on the walls?
But I want to color...
I want to draw the green lollipops,
The ones with brown stems.
What did mommy call them?
Trees?
So big!
They tower over me like the sky over the earth.
I go outside to play under the skyscraper trees.
Birdies soar from branch to branch,
Just out of reach,
Like my toy airplane flies over my imaginary village
Where I am the president.
Oh look, little eggs!
Baby birdies not yet torn free from their shell cells.
Mommy said I was in an egg once.
I wonder where storks live,
And how they carry such a giant egg!
Wait, does that make the stork my mommy?
Mommy says it's time for a nap.
But I want to play!
All day, every day!
There's no other way;
I'm a kid, I must play.
But mommy's in charge,
And she says it's not okay,
So instead I lay
In bed for an hour,
Though it feels like all day.
I awake to bright light,
My eyes wide, like a child's always are.
Mommy says we're going on an adventure,
Taking a trip to a magic man
Who heals people with his own two hands.
I ride in the back in my special seat
Of mommy's giant, wheeled robot.
I'm still waiting for it to transform.
She puts on my favorite music.
It makes me want to
Row
Row
Row
My own boat down a stream.
We finally get to the magician
And I'm still humming to my songs.
I walk in
And see fishies in a big box filled with water.
Mommy calls it their house,
Where the fish families live and grow up together.
I hear my name, called out by a stranger.
I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
I don't move,
But mommy pushes me towards the man
And through a big door.
I squeeze my mouth shut and look at my feet.
I must not speak to this stranger.
I'm wondering if I can trust him
When he brings me into a room
With duckies on the pale blue walls.
There is a table in the middle of the room.
The stranger tells me to sit on it.
I don't move.
Mommy repeats the request,
And with the pain in my bottom
Still alive and tingling,
I sit, cringing.
The stranger leaves (thank goodness)
And the magician in a white mask
(To hide his identity I bet)
Comes into the room.
He asks mommy some questions,
And then I feel cold hands
On my back, face, tummy,
And I wonder
What magic powers he is using on me.
He turns around and I smile at mommy,
But it changes into a frown and wider eyes
When he turns back with a
Long,
Pointy,
Shiny,
Metal
Stick.
Maybe it's a knife.
Mommy says I should stay away from knives
And other pointy things.
But then this magician makes his wand disappear.
Into my arm.
With the pain searing through me,
I scream.
Not a magician or a healer,
A threat, trying to hurt me.
Mommy tries to calm me down,
Tell me it's okay.
But it's not okay, and I scream on.
More strangers in white file in and hold me down.
I think they're going to take me away,
Or **** me with their daggers.
After what feels like forever, it stops.
They let me go,
And I exchange my screams for tears.
We leave the room.
I stagger out, exhausted.
Back at the fish house,
A stranger gives me a lollipop.
I throw it on the ground.
I do not trust strangers.
Not at all,
Not anymore.
Mommy picks it up and tries to hand it to me.
I won't take it.
I turn to leave and she catches up to me.
She hands me another lollipop.
I hesitate, but take it.
I do love sweets.
What kid doesn't?
I get back in the car,
******* on my sucker,
And fall asleep in my special seat.
The transformer stops, at some point.
Mommy brings me inside and tucks me in,
And I lose consciousness completely.
After a day like today,
I guess naps aren't so bad after all.
Oct 2013 · 1.1k
Dreamland
AJ Claus Oct 2013
When the day is finally done,
I jump into my bed.
I lay against my pillow
And pull the covers over head.

Soon enough I fall into
A deep unmoving sleep.
Now all I need to start to dream
Is one more giant leap.

Finally my mind decides
That it is time to wander,
Into the land where anything
Can happen over yonder.

I dream of drinking tea
And eating crumpets with the queen.
I dream of climbing up a stock
Grown from a jelly bean.

I dream of jumping right into
The board game Candyland.
I dream of eating endless sweets
While listening to a band.

I dream of riding all through space
Upon a shooting star.
I dream of sliding down a rainbow,
No need for a car.

I dream of always succeeding
In every single plan.
I dream of living every day
The very best I can.

I dream
I dream
I dream some more,
But suddenly,
A knock on my door.
It jolts me awake,
My head starts to ache,
And I realize
It was all just a dream.
Oct 2013 · 324
True Love
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Love is like a song,
Every kiss a melody.
When we embrace,
My heart starts to race,
And I know that this is to be.
Oct 2013 · 334
The Storm
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Burning fire,
Bright and warm,
Brought to ashes
By the storm.

Not hot, now cold,
I'm chilled to the bone,
And worst of all,
I'm completely alone.

A tear drips slowly
Down my cheek.
Can't wipe it away,
I'm far too week.

The storm's getting stronger,
My time here is done.
As lighting first strikes,
I jump and I run.

I finally find shelter
Deep in a cave,
Where I huddle and cower,
And feel like a slave.

I think of how scared
I am for my life,
All because of the storm,
Which fills me with strife.

At some point in the night,
I fall into deep sleep.
A awake to the sun,
To my great relief.

Though I know what I see,
How can it be real?
After so long,
The rain's all I can feel.
Oct 2013 · 619
Fly to Mars
AJ Claus Oct 2013
I am a bird;
let me fly free.
Unlock my chains
so that I can be.

I dream to take off
into the stars,
and then go flying
straight onto Mars.

I'll discover what was,
what is and can be.
I'll come home with my finds
so that all finally see.

Earth may be my home,
but if I can fly,
I can take off and explore
more than this planet's sky.
Oct 2013 · 1.0k
Breaking Point
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Day in and day out,
I just want to shout,
While the pain in my brain,
Drives me insane.

My heart aches,
By body shakes,
I don't know how
Much more I can take...
Oct 2013 · 355
A Look Into the Mirror
AJ Claus Oct 2013
When you look into the mirror,
What is it that you see?
Is it her? Is it she?
Or really, is it me?

Do you think about me
As I think about you?
Do you wish I was there
As I hope that you do?

My heart aches in the longing,
For us to be together,
For our love to shine, on and on,
For eternity and forever.

But what if I am wrong,
And you do not love me so?
My heart will surely break,
And I won't know where to go.

For now all that I can do
Is hope and pray and love.
All powered by a strength
That comes only from above.

So next time that you choose
To look into the mirror,
Think about whose face
Comes out so much clearer.
Oct 2013 · 457
The Third Degree
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Fire burning,
Heat on my skin.
Killing me slowly,
Don't let it in.

Not calm, nor gentle,
Just wild and strong.
I hope that it doesn't
Last for too long.

Oh fire, crude fire,
Please do not stay.
Just finish me off,
Take my last breath away.
Oct 2013 · 358
Hello?
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Do you hear me?
Do you see me?
Do you feel me,
Standing,
Here next to you?

And have you ever,
Truly cared for,
Me,
Or us,
Or has it only been you?

Have you ever wondered why?
Why you never heard me cry?

Well it's because you never cared enough to listen,
All those times that you made my eyes glisten.

Every tear that I did shed,
Was always so misread.

You thought they were of happiness,
But really they were not.
They were of the hurt and hate
And all the pain that I fought.

I'm hurting from the inside out,
All I want to do is SHOUT!
But no one would ever hear me.
You wouldn't even care to see me...

Yet still I'm trying to stay strong,
I just don't know for how long.
Oct 2013 · 849
When a Tree Falls
AJ Claus Oct 2013
If a tree falls in the forest
and someone is there to chop it down,
did it really fall at all?
And is a tree only a tree when its roots are deep in the ground?
What then, when the man cuts it down?
Does it still exist?
It is dead when its roots are shriveled up.
When we die, we no longer exist.
Or do we?
Are our roots still extended?
Our connections remaining while we are gone, though not for good?
Are our souls still around,
to strut around the town?
Wait, does a tree have a soul?
Or is it really gone, when it's gone?
When it turns into paper in a factory,
has the tree disappeared, destroyed?
Or is all that paper still the tree, torn up and annoyed?

So what happens when we're gone?
Are we cut up in a factory and packaged up
to be sent to stores all through the town?
They call us ***** donors.
Are we written on and doodled upon
like a worthless piece of paper?
People talk, they gossip, hurt us with words,
label us with their judgments,
make us feel worthless.
No one should feel worthless!
Even a tree.

But isn't a tree just a thing?
It isn't a person, nor an animal.
But it is alive,
moving, trying to strive,
for recognition, just like the rest of us.
It reaches its branches higher, higher,
only to be sliced apart and turned into a flyer.
If I was chopped down,
and just as I was working my hardest,
I'd be sad, I'd be mad, I'd be crushed inside and out.
I don't want to be like paper, used,
crumbled into a ball, abused,
if asked, it would be refused,
"Can I cut you down?"
No.
Never.
Stop, stop, STOP!
A tree is never asked, "Is this okay?"
They're just cut down, there's no other way.
And we're the same, even today.
We cut down others, we go and say,
"You ******! You freak! No one likes you, go away!"
HEY!

These words are ugly,
not like the people they're aimed at.
No one deserves to be made fun of,
to be hurt,
stepped on,
chopped down like a tree.
And those bullies will see.
It'll come back and then they will be,
cut down and hurt, just like a tree.
If a person is cut down,
and no one hears them cry,
do they still exist?
Do they still matter?
Of course they do,
though they feel like they don't.

Everyone matters, even when they don't think they do,
even at their lowest low,
when they won't know where they should go,
there's a place, a safe haven,
out there somewhere.
In the arms of friends, family, neighbors.
No one is ever truly alone.
And do you know what?
Neither is a tree.
When if falls, someone will be there
and someone will care.
Everyone and everything matters,
everyone and everything has a purpose.
Even you and me,
and even a measly tree.
Oct 2013 · 485
Silence
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Silence.
Absence of sound.
You speak, but nothing comes out.
No words,
No noise,
No nothing.
The air is quiet. Utterly quiet.
Never before has it been quite so quiet.
Not even a pin drop to be heard.
Or the wing flap of a a lingering bird.
No, no sound.
Just...silence.
Even inside the numerous heads,
No wondering thoughts,
Simply emptiness.
Simply silence.
Simply nothing at all.
Darkness is the absence of light,
It is not a real thing.
Just as silence is the absence of sound.
It is nothing.
It does not exist.
Nothing exists.
I
You
We
Do not exist.
Everything is just...
Silent.
Oct 2013 · 409
The End
AJ Claus Oct 2013
Unsure, uncertain,
Torn apart in infinite directions,
Head a jumbled mess,
Mind never to be made up...

Sadness consumes,
Depression exhumes,
Confusion at every turn.

Help?
No one hears the call.
Please?
No one to help at all.

Falling, falling,
Down
Down
Down
    •
    •
    •
Crash

Rock bottom.

Pain overcomes.
No feeling left inside.
Pound of the head,
Like a bullet to the skull.
Blacking out,
Fainting quickly,
Light leaving the room.

Eyes cannot see,
Ears cannot hear,
Hands cannot feel, let alone move.

...help?
No.
No help.
No one left.
No one there.
No one to care.
Oct 2013 · 296
Dried Up Love
AJ Claus Oct 2013
How is it that you can make me feel so alone,
Even in the most crowded of places?
Or maybe the better question is
Why?
You, who has the power
To make me happy more than anyone else can,
Who makes happy all the time.
Most of the time.
So why, then, do I always end up getting hurt?
Listening to others around me,
Laughing,
Smiling,
Having a grand old time,
Makes me hurt all the more.
And what do you do?
Continue to ignore.
I know you don't mean it.
I know you don't want to make me feel this way.
But I do, and you do.
So what is there to do?
At this point, I don't know.
Nor do I know how to know.
Wishing it could be different
Wouldn't actually change anything.
I suppose I could just cry,
Until my eyes are dried out
And there is nothing left but dried up love.
I just hope it breathes life again sometime soon.
Oct 2013 · 535
Alone
AJ Claus Oct 2013
I'm in a box,
Square and enclosed.
I can't breathe.
I squint my eyes and my box opens up.

I'm in a tunnel,
Short and small.
I can barely move, only crawl.
I can't handle this.
I can't...I can't...
I blink.
I feel cool air on my face, but I cannot see a thing.

I'm in a cave,
Dark and eerie.
I'm scared.
Water drips down and echoes through open space.
I feel a drop on my face, wet and slimy.
I start to cry.
My feet drop from below me and I'm drenched.

I'm in the ocean,
Endless and unforgiving.
I'm drowning.
The water is freezing my body.
I cannot move.
My tears are frozen to my face.
I can't even close my eyes.
I think I pass out.

I'm on the shore,
Quiet and alone.
I stare at nothing.
The ocean is silent,
Not a wave to crash onto shore.
The sand is hard as stone, not a creature about.
Nothing crawling or swimming,
Not a sound to be heard.
I am completely alone on this never-ending shore.
The sky is dark,
No sun in sight to brighten this day.
I close my eyes tightly
And wish myself away from this wasteland.

I'm in a house,
Empty and silent.
I do not feel at home.
This is not cozy or warm like a house should be.
This is dreary,
Cold,
Uninviting.
I do not want to live here.

I'm in a room,
Dark and enclosed.
I am claustrophobic.
There are no windows or doors,
No entrance or exit.
It is like my box, but bigger.
Yet no less frightening.
I still can't breathe.

The room closes in.
It's a box again,
And it's closing in more and more,
Until there's nothing left.
Not even me.

I was utterly alone,
And now I'm gone.

Now I am nothing.
Oct 2013 · 934
Hearts will Heal
AJ Claus Oct 2013
When a heart breaks,
It is heard all over the world.
Like a crack in the moon
In broad daylight.
No, not quite a sight,
Not visible to the naked eye.
Only a sound, sharp and loud,
To be heard at that moment.
And then the scream of the victim,
Told they are loved no more.
It is a scream of pure agony,
Filled with pain and remorse,
And the leftover love and lust, of course.
No longer returned, it has no where to go.
So the love comes back home to the heart
And sits in silence and sadness,
Until it dies away completely,
As the heart breaks apart,
Chips falling off and littering the soul with debris.
This broken-hearted lover lost of love
Cries so the whole world can hear.
And they do.
They listen and they understand.
They've felt as she feels,
Been where she is,
Screamed as she screams.
Even though it really seems
Like she is all alone,
Left to fight on her own,
Without her heart and without her true love.
To her, she's lost everything.
But she hasn't.
We know she hasn't.
Her heart will heal,
The pieces will come back together
With the glue of hope and faith
And eventually, of new love.
Because as the saying goes,
There are more fish in the sea,
And soon enough she will see,
That she'll find love again
When she least expects to find it.
True love is out there,
Around every corner
If you really stop to take a look.
So while now the world hears her cries and her sorrow,
Soon we will all hear her sigh
And see her smile, through lips and eyes,
As she stands in love and hypnotized,
And happy once again, finally, finally,
At last, at last,
Once enough time has passed,
Her heart will heal, though not too fast,
In due time, all will fall into place.
All will be fine.
She will find love again.
After all, a heart cannot stay broken forever.

— The End —