These late night
early morning
thought bubbles
always seem to lead
me to the same
tired conclusion:
I
miss
you.

he is screaming but no one can hear him
she is singing but no one listens
he is lost but no one is looking for him
she is searching and finds that she is alone

words go unanswered
no matter what is said
they fall upon deaf ears
and reverberate into deep unknown places
an orchestra in the ocean
performed in a foreign frequency
a song lost in translation
heard by many
but meaningful to none

he is asking but no one answers
she is begging but no one gives
he is following but no one leads
she is leading but no one will follow

uniqueness is your downfall
strength lies in being the same
in possessing
the inherited dialect of survival
that cannot be achieved
it is a birth right
as natural as your name
but instead
of deserved solace
you received the gift
of 52 hertz of loneliness

he is calling but receives no answers
she is crying but finds no comfort
he is sinking but no one knows
she is dying and no one cares*

doomed to drift
through bottomless, indigo twilight
being carried on the waves
of your own erie lament
the sound of your sadness
is the cause of your isolation
your desperate song
remains your only hope
and it will never cease
someone, someday
will hear you
and answer
your heart wrenching pleas
someone, someday
singing love songs in the deep

A crooked door
Off-kilter and ancient
Stands open
Not exactly inviting
Just expectant
Expecting us to be entranced
By the twisted world within
Mundane stairs are its only offering at first
But this tilted path leads to the sky
Eternal marble potholes
In silky molten stone
Woven with rocky veins
The sun is closer now
The world turns
Each step pulls us forward
Upwards and onwards
Lost in history
Living in memory
Of all the footsteps
That have passed
Who's feet have sounded here
And emerged from the murky twilight
Into the heavens?
The crooked door
Led to the crooked stairs
Which together formed the crooked tower

no, No, NO the maestro said,
like the eulogy we sang for the Northmen
It is a bit of a sad day,
especially today.
He finds it soothing to hear a sad song,
his son is dead, you know.
Make it melancholy!
This is a man who has been
freighted by loss,
let us do his suffering justice.
Sing it again and make sure it is
laden with loss.
Such a sad song
and so comforting.
Comfort him!
Play him the
Troubles of this World
and make sure all of the notes are
burdened with loss,
Heavily.
no, No, NO.
it goes like this:
trouble,  hardship,  difficulty.
These are the chords of sorrow,
you would do well to learn them.
But three years is no time at all.
It takes much longer than that
to fully lose one's child.
Come creatures,
An orchestra cannot conquer
the sound of his sadness.
He won't hear us yet.
Can't you see that he is not listening?
He thumbs through memories and pictures,
La vita breve he whispers.

Glass pane painted
the colours of the ocean
not the deepest hue
not the shade of the shallows either
the in-between
limbo blue
you can't see the surface
or reach the bottom
down is up, up is down
empty, eerie, but full
of you
this is the sky
with an arrow shot
through each point where the glass breaks
an arrow aimed straight and true
opening a window
and letting the celestial light
shine through
these are the silver people
that we paste in our windows
that we place so far away
out of reach
to say the least
but they have their own eternal fires
that burn through the blue
and the water
through me
and through you

"Do you think
that You are better
than Me?"
The answer, of course
was "No."
I told him twice
Once with the words from my lips
and then again with the voice
in my eyes
And I tell you
he believed me
As people always will
If you speak
in honest language
and let them look through
the windows in your head
that prove your words
to be true

She’s rosy
Or ice cold
Jealous and envious
In bright shades of green
Changing every second
She can’t make up her mind
Flickering from one thought to the next
Moods shifting and sliding
Through bipolar extremes

Arctic ideas
Swirl in her head
She sings
In an eerie lament
Listen
She paints her world
Across the sky

The emotion shows transparently
Not hiding the vivid red anger
Or the tender deep ocean pain
Her soul is clear,
Untouched, and easy to read
Moving and running through the night
Flying brushstrokes unleashed in the darkness
Brighter than flames
The reckless fire burns higher
Reaching the stars
Atmospheres away
No longer hidden
By the harsh light of day

This is not a good poem
it is merely a collection
of scattered thoughts
that match my disorganized mind

I came home
You were one of the few people
That I secretly hoped to see

Next thing I remember
I was holding your hand
needing you to hold mine too
hands on your chest
purple dress shirt
A summer full of pent up
attraction
(for me)
(for you? Probably not)
finally
put to action
Recklessly and carelessly

I valued the friendship
the innocent connection
of our similarities
tears of laughter
and mutual respect
and now this event
has caused me some
uncertainty

It was passionate
Maybe I don't regret it
Probably I regret not remembering
How it even happened in the first place

What did I do?
I closed my eyes
the world disappeared
and when I opened them
I was looking at you
my lips inches from yours
I discovered that
you are a good kisser

be flattered that I chose you
It doesn't happen often
know that I am still
quite fond of you
And sometimes my thoughts
Travel to that drunken night once a year
when everything is excusable
and I was happy just to be with you
and even happier that you chose me too

As if my own soul
Followed the diving birds
Into the ***** water
As if that water washed it clean
Worries carried from another day dripped away

Down through the crystal water
The birds dragged my aimless, wandering heart
Helping me to drown it in the present
Choking the polluted past from my thoughts
Suffocating me with the possibility
Of having to be apart
The pain of drowning in the pain
Strengthening the will to truly live
And enticing the mind to set the soul free

As if the cleansing allowed me to see
The glistening sunset fire
Flying across the water
Bright and untarnished
As it was meant to be
Flames and sparks obscuring all my
Misguided, misused memories

As if it let me hear the silence
Screaming in my ears
Silence that that could not be heard
Over the sound of imagined tears

The birds in the water helped me to reach
Past my own reflection
Past the distant shore
As if it was only water

I know there was something more

They turn me inside out again
blank pages flutter to the floor
They have to shake me
in order to free the few pages
that I held dear
they were stuck to my hands and caught on my heart
"Why won't you let these go?"
they ask
"They are just empty pages"
I let the ink fall from my eyes
"You can't fill something up if it isn't first empty"

Everyday I saw them flying
Heard them screaming
Cursed their noisy presence
Resented the danger they presented to my wards
The baby fish that I was charged with
One tourist commented that
"Kingfishers sure are beautiful birds"
I agreed solemnly (out loud) but privately I didn't agree at all
Didn't see any beauty in their white and grey feathers
Didn't hear it in their coarse shrieks
Then today
I was taken aback by a strange shape flapping and struggling above the water
It was one of them, one of the kingfishers
Somehow he had snagged his wing on a fish hook and was dangling helplessly
I saw blood and torn flesh, my approach simply made him more frantic
I tried to pull the hook out but it was viciously intertwined with the creature
My hand brushed incredibly soft and downy feathers
His eyes were wide with panic, his thin, powerful beak open in bleak desperation
I put my hand out to lift him
His black claws put pressure on my hand, relieved pressure from the fishing line
and allowed me to extract the lethal hook from his ruffled, ravaged wing
He flew, he was scared of me,
he fell back to the water
I was ready to save him but he was swept out of sight
I stood there thinking
How terrible for a creature of the sky to die in the water
How scared he must be to be surrounded by the wrong kind of blue
Sinking instead of soaring
Then I saw a kingfisher suddenly fly up behind me
It might have been the same one but I'm not sure
Logic tells me that it must have been him
But my heart remains sad
and tells me no

I made your words into a paper airplane
And flew them out my window
You were supposed to be on that airplane too
You were supposed to vanish from my mind
My feelings were supposed to disappear in a fatal crash
I was aiming for total nuclear destruction
In hopes of annihilating your sweet presence
But all that you are and all that I feel for you
Simply spiralled slowly into a deep, hidden place
nothing died, nothing perished
You remained very much alive

I have developed
an utterly unfortunate habit
of caring too much
for people who don't
care too much for me
they don't understand
the way that I care
and that I can't help
but care way too much
A simple hello
would suffice

Sand slaps against my feet
With the echoes of the
Footprints that I left before

The hollow ring of the
Departing tide
Reverberates through my toes

The constant steely water
Always comes
But never really goes

Is there anything more beautiful than a tugboat?

Earth and sea
Swallow me
And I am home
This place makes me a mermaid
Magic in the sea salt
Returns me to my childhood
Who can resist the trumpet call
Of a castle in the sand?

I hear laughter on these shores
In the waves
Hidden in cool, splashing bubbles
When I disturb the mighty rock fortresses
Of the scrabbling water bugs

I fell in love on this beach
A veil of sea **** awaits me
And I will carry a bouquet of
Sky and Salt

I was 19 the first time I felt it
I saw a photo of the Golden Gate bridge
And wanderlust stirred in some little used corner of me
For the first time I saw the attraction of moving
Changing, leaving, discovering
Doing all of those things that I am no good at

I like to dwell
My home is built out of the people I let into my heart
And without them I am a gypsy
Aimlessly pacing the world
Learning to be lonely I have found home in little places
Instead of people

I found home under a parasol of green leaves
That drenched me in a misty, *******
I see home in the handfuls of seaweed that I send back into the ocean
Letting the tide ****** it from my hands

I could build a house out of places and memories
Instead of living in a home that is held together by love
Because my people keep abandoning me
And so I keep trying to rebuild something, anything

But too many repairs make it so that places and people collide
Leaving me nowhere to dwell
If I step in a place I stepped with you
It is no longer safe
It has been poisoned by a happy memory

I hate Valentines Day poems
I don't hate the day
just let it pass
I hate the people who hate it
lonely, self involved
shallow shadows
relying so much
on this pink pretty
holiday
seeking attention by proclaiming
HOW MUCH THEY DON'T CARE
Shut up, we all care
Let the lovely lovers love it
rub your shiny sparkly relationship
in my face please
I don't mind
Shove candy and chocolate
and free hugs my way
I will dodge the generic
celebrations
Waiting for my bitter
Valentine
Someone who shares
the same sameness as me
a person who
I will be happy
to finally find
Even though that might
leave me waiting
for some time
But I'll solve the puzzle
I'll wait
Be mine?

There is nothing more powerful or more dangerous
than Hope
Even a thin, barely existent, nearly transparent wisp of it
can be devastating
It's a mist that floats into your mind
infecting your brain
with possibilities and images
of what should be, what could be, what will never be
Entirely plausible wishes and dreams
that leave crippling wounds
when they don't come true

I don't know what I should call her
But whoever she is
She isn't me
This is the person that the world sees at first
Poor world
Having to put up with this
Boring, flustered, awkward, rambling
little girl
Until the real me finally manages to
Break the walls and crumble the door
That separate everyone from who
I really am
I think it might be worth it to wait  
For the real me to show up
But the question is
Who has the patience to stick around until then?
Because lets face it,
She often shows up Late
Sometimes it's hard to escape from my cage
Sometimes they don't want to let me out

The cold winter sand
only hurts until your feet
go numb
and even before that
the pain is in your head
there are no scars
left behind
only imaginary
tribulations
in your mind
You remembered me
you remembered to say
goodbye
That is enough
that is as wonderful
as watching the birds
in the sky
of the lake
reflected back to me
a thousand times
under the misty
eternity
hidden in my eyes

Every time
I give you something
You drop it
And step on it
Kick it
Ignore it and dismiss it
So what will happen
If I give you
My heart?

I hate you almost as much as I hate myself
You lazily question
"Where's your mind?"
If you have to ask then you already know that it's gone

I spit out the tried and true excuse  
"I'm just tired"
And I hate myself even more
When I hear the generic, cliche lies
Falling from my lips
As easily as yours fall on mine

I resent the fact that I'm giving you anything at all
My words were not meant for you
And you remind me again that
No amount of loneliness
Justifies kissing the wrong lips

"You have a beautiful body"
Oh, *******
If I fall asleep I can pretend
That your arms belong to someone else

Inadequacy
rains down on me
I put up my umbrella
but I can still see
all of their faces
peering through the raindrops
they wonder
"is this her?"
I drop the umbrella
let their poison
wash over me
because I will be
MORE
more anything
more everything
whatever they see
I'll know that
underneath
I am More
They may still wonder
and stare through the glass
but they will know now
that yes
Yes, this is her
and she is more...
Something

Firstly:
There is a balance
that regulates karmic disturbances.
If something good happens to you
inevitably, something bad will happen too.
The number of good things
is equal to the number of bad things.
One big good thing may be equivalent
to many small bad things,
but it all evens out in the end,
no matter what.

Secondly:
The trick is to learn to be content.
Not sad not happy,
simply attain a level of contentment
that you can reach even when you are alone.
If you have this foundation of contentment
you will never find yourself sinking too far
beneath the surface.

Thirdly:
Reject anything less than the sky.
Find the person that is the hurricane
to your rain.
Never be happy to accept the bad things
or to be merely content.
Defy all of the expectations that hover over you
like a dull drizzle.
Escape from anything
that feels normal and mundane.

Fourthly:
Never make a decision that
you believe is wrong.
There is nothing worse than
doing something that you cannot justify,
no regret more powerful
than the regret of betraying your heart,
going against your morals,
allowing someone else to make your choice
and use your voice.

Fifthly:
Tell the truth.
Don't say anything unless something needs to be said
and don't bother to say anything you don't mean.
Speak from the heart.
Don't do something if it means nothing to you.
Let people tell you their stories.
Never interrupt because you never know when
someone is telling you something
that is difficult for them to say.

Six
Never be less than what you are.
Don't make yourself smaller
to accomodate others.
Believe that you are a person worth knowing.
Believe that yours is a life worth living.
Know that you matter

Seven:
If you want to be loved,
be loveable.
Acknowledge feelings of jealousy
and bitterness
but don't let them poison your thoughts
or motivate your actions.
Never act spitefully towards someone who has hurt you
because one day you might be the one doing the hurting.
Never assume you know the reasoning
behind someone's actions or words.
Remember that people don't necessarily mean everything they say
and that the things they do
aren't binding or permanent.
Feelings change and grow or disappear.
Consider this:
would you rather be loved falsely, or rejected truthfully?
And this:
we don't always love the people who love us, so why would we want
to try and force someone to care for us if they don't?

Eight:
Realize that your actions affect others,
and that your actions can have repercussions
beyond yourself.
Treat people the same way that you would like to be treated,
and don't be afraid to do stupid things
if it makes someone smile.
Small interactions can mean the world,
a simple hello will often suffice.

Nine:
Don't forget about your family.
They are your roots and they love you unconditionally.
You do not necessarily need to like them,
but you need to save a little space in your heart for them.
Do not take them, or anyone else in your life,
for granted.
Things change, people get sick, accidents happen.
Be sure that all of your words are kind so you can
Make sure that your last words are kind.

Ten:
Forgive easily and quickly.
Give unlimited second chances.
Apologize even if you are not at fault.
Reach out your hand, even if no one reaches out for you.
Do not hold grudges or seek revenge.
There is no conflict without cause, so
Do not be or create the cause.

Eleventhly:
Never forget how to view the world through the eyes of a child.
Earn the respect and friendship of children.
Be someone that you would like to introduce to your
seven year old self.

Twelfth:
Don't show your heart to just anyone.
But if given the chance
unleash the universe that lives inside of you
every forgotten corner and supernova of emotion
Share the chronicles of your life
the dusty memories and vibrant moments of impact
woven together into the fabric of your life
A fabric that is always changing
and never quite complete

When the puppet show
of your life is over
your useless name
is written on a piece of paper,
your mundane pieces
are sobbed over
and lamented
Then we put you in the ground
and leave you there
until
nobody and nothing remembers
your stupid name
except for the earth and the sky
But we are too small to hear them whisper,
the stories of our lives
too loud to even listen
and too human to even care

and THEN
sometimes
I get really mad
when I realize
That I have managed
to make myself
into a person
who can be so
easily
Forgotten
I'm an expert
at being
nothing more
than a
first-class
Option

Dry desert wind
Snares her hair
The attention makes her feel pretty
The breeze caresses her forgotten face
Intricately discovering the solitude
Buried in the contours
Of a lonely smile
Her invisible suitor
Grasps her hand
And breathes in her sunset eyes
The sand beneath her feet
Dances and flies
She is mesmerized
The warm current of southern air
Embraces her lithe body
The wind whispers her name
She knows it is time
She leaves her body behind
Sending her heart to the sky
Letting it ride
In the hands of her Sahara lover

I run towards
unmoving iron sky and
Grey steel waves
Feet hammering cold, hard sand
Like nails, each footstep
is placed with precision
Hammers and nails don't change the flat sand
It was built and compressed
by the weight of a thousand waves
Too cold for bare feet
but I can't feel the cold because I am almost flying
almost but not quite
like a bird that can't be brave
I just wanted to find the emptiness
Sky
Sea
Sand
my eyes capture it,
more effectively than any camera
When I close them the picture I took of the sea
is engraved delicately on my eyelids
my lips taste the iridescent salt spray on the breeze
My heart is grey not yellow or blue
It belongs to the ocean
Where I can feel as deep as I need
and want as much as I want to
I look back to see if you are following
But you are trapped within a cage of humanity
Set yourself free
Why can't you just run after me?
I know where I am going
I show you the pictures on my eyelids
and put them in frames for you
But you don't even care
About chasing the horizon,
about where I have been
So I run faster
My bare feet are more effective
than your shoes

I like to run and
let my feet stomp over my thoughts.
If I could,
I would unleash a stampede of cows or wildebeests.
My memories would be rendered to a pulp.
And my dreams might be sufficiently squashed,
that they would think twice
about rising up into the thought bubble
of reality
that floats innocently, glowing above my head
in my dark room.

Magnify my dreams with a telescope
Watch the lights drift across the sky
Hear the glimmer in your eye
A smile so sweet and so shy
Lightly intertwined with fingertips
Fingertips are loud enough
Foggy clouds of numb joy
Beautifully blurring the lies

You're hurting me
Although I know
you don't mean to.
You do it from the ignorance
of your heart.
You ask
"How are you?"
with tones of insensitivity,
and I say good
like I wish I meant it.
Trying to express
with one false word
how badly I wish I could
punch your face.
But your asking
Throws me back in time.
"Take care"
Like you're saying goodbye.
Like I'm not good enough
for you to take the time
to look me in the eyes.
It was hard to learn to feel for you,
Knowing it was a mistake all along.
I'll turn the tables
of our relationship
in opposite directions
so you can realize
how easily I've come to the understanding
that abandoning myself for you
was wrong.
I remember now where I belong.

And so this is the end.
But in the end,
It was like they said:
Sweeter than most.

I think about all
The stupid things
You've said to me,
And one of my favourite
Little stupidities
Is the one about the limo.
There was a contest
And the winner would
Win a limo ride.
I joked,
I asked if you had won.
You hadn't.
But you told me
That if you had won,
You would have made me ride
In the limo with you,
Just to embarrass me.

I wish you would have won.

Anticipation can be sweet
but it quickly turns sour
if it amounts to nothing
Are you gonna
Kiss me
Or not?
Not.
why did
you hesitate?
why did you turn
A sweet memory into
A sour disappointment?
There is no perfect moment

Too close to the sun
he flew
Too much
I wanted from you
The earth waits to catch us
as we tumble towards it
the sea winks and waves
the hills cup their hands
the trees raise their arms
I close my eyes
ready for the impact
But the sun is burned
to brightly onto my eyelids
the fatal embrace of the ground
cannot make me forget
the brightness I have known

And so I went on a bicycle ride
Straight like an arrow
Towards the water
Because
This one time
I went there and it was quiet
and nothing made sense
Today there was a building
Building noise into the silence
So it wasn't the same
I saw a muskrat
For the very first time
And the water was different
but my head went quiet again
And I stood there alone
Surrounded by the world
none of them noticed
when I laughed

I have no reason to cry
No right to summon
A tear to my eye
I don't deserve
To feel better
Because
I am my only problem
Nothing is wrong
Or bad
I am fine

And then
sometimes
I get scared
That I'm losing
everything
slowly
slowly enough
not to notice
the missing pieces
until one day
I go to open my heart
and find
that it is
Empty