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2.0k · May 2018
The Way I See Everything
My brain draws images of happiness
Because it's everything I wanted to see
A rainbow after the showers end
Because it's everything I wanted to be
Can you feel the iridescent?
Look at me from a new point of view
My mind was a **** mess
That just needed the colors to spew
If there really isn't much left
I'm sorry if it's become a trend
Cannonballs at the deep end
Eating my heart in the ocean
Red is everywhere though
So do I get a brand new halo?
Or will demons guide my soul?
Either way, do I get control?

It's just the way I'll be
It's just the way I see things
It's just the way I see everything

And I get to die
Every single night
When I sleep and dream
Somewhere close to five
Hours and I try
To escape this life
I lay back and breathe
And then close my eyes
So maybe instead
Of wishing for death
And thinking of red
I should rest my head
While Hell remains
For when you awake
Life passes by
Every breath you take
I guess people don't like my poetry maybe because they're long or ****, but here's just a flash of sitting down and writing. This will probably be the last song. Who knows?
1.7k · Aug 2018
Cliping The Wings
i think my main issue wasn't the maybe
it's the fact that there was only a maybe
i've seen your heart race for an hour
for someone you only saw for a minute
sitting next to people through struggle
then holding tears like a juggle
how's the cigarette? how's every laugh?
was it all enough to forget the past?
the answer should have been obvious
but now it's obvious to hit the opposite
put my mind on things for a new lover
this time, be treated like a brother
my catharsis is a thorn on a rose
so now i write to gain back my hope
to distance the repetition of rhyming
you and i were similar in many ways
burning month, nature bound objects
with the sharp piece on the beauty
rose thorn, bee sting, pick your poison
i can't even write about love anymore
because affection shouldn't be forced
and i thought you'd say something else
i hate that your poetry is your compliment
and yeah, i know my shoes look nice
but it makes me feel way less confident
when your attraction to me has a price
i am lured inside of your perfume
not the one you wear, but attention
**** the rhyme again, bees and roses
don't mix and maybe they shouldn't
i wrote this in one sitting to be honest
i used to get ******, now i'm used to it
i wonder how many times your next love
will get to hear the words "i'm sorry."
i don't want to leave, but if it takes
killing a maybe and causing closure
you could have had my love
you don't want it and now it's over
admit it, the maybe was a placeholder
because you'd thought i'd move on
and i'd find someone by november
if i put that much weight on your heart
and it takes tearing myself apart
for you to write a letter with tears
and prologue the tale of fear
then hell maybe i should go
it's not like i didn't risk pain for you
accidental photos, i stayed
a stone foot maybe, i stayed
talking to someone, i stayed
heart racing elsewhere, i stayed
utah trip to think, i waited
people coming and going, i waited
denying other girls, i waited
because of you, i was patient
but that's not the love i need
running to you, but stuck on leash?
how many other people roam free?
minus the playlist and the poetry
i never gave up on you because
i couldn't think about anyone else
now i'm listening to See You Again
but this time, i'm not thinking about you
but i will say this as the **** **** flower boy playlist hits my ears and comes out my esophagus for hard edged bliss in boredom and bathed in roses
i will tell you this, i know i matter to you
in the end, you didn't move away
and you tried to cure your pain
and when you couldn't go anywhere
when you needed someone to text
it's 4am and you had a message
you came to me. you came to me.
you came to me. was that a maybe?
no, you came to me during relapsing
that should mean something as i repeat
after i came for you, you came to me.
do you mean to change the maybe?
maybe, when maybe was enough for me.
1.5k · Sep 2020
At Night
The moon is always around at night
When your darkness can’t be more bright
Feel the echo attack the silent
It will haunt you, leave you violent
1.4k · May 2018
i woke up at 7:45 am
Skipping beats like rain in July
It was unexpected, but here it is
Still my arms are burning inside
As the heat punches and kicks
Why did I put a heavy coat on?
Just to prove that I was strong?
Strength should be knowing best
And getting this out of my head
So I'll cut off my hair and then
Put sunglasses on instead
Watching the waves of fire
From a distance I can desire
The day has ended once again
But we both know it's not the end

Are we even meant to be?
We can't be our enemies
But I'd really hate to see
You with someone that isn't me
Quit saying you're sorry
We both know what you mean
That the grass could be green
But right now it's all dying
You always get my attention
And my heart, not to mention
I smile when I see your name
I smile when I see your face
The day has ended one more time
But we both know we have the night
1.2k · Sep 2020
small city on this planet
I wrote a note with your name mentioned
But deleted every word within a second
The feeling is long and drawn out
But it’s nothing aside the bigger picture
And much like a small city on this planet
It’s only feels larger when inside of it
I quite like this one
795 · May 2018
Not The Same
And It's true, I was on you
For a week or maybe two
In your arms, you know that's all
In your love, I couldn't fall
This shouldn't be a maze
To take the wrong left
And that is the past
Baby, that's the past
Everything was great
While we made it last
I still eat your go-to snack
And I still like that band
I'm still writing songs
That sound less than grand
Though I promise that I'm
Gonna hold this one out
My heart and my mind
Needed to leave the crowd
I've got jet black jeans
For a brand new waist
If everything still fit
I would never change
While I loved your company
My heart beats on my sleeve
And you know it's not there
You are not the one for me
569 · Jul 2020
Off The Cuff
We used to spill colors in the good days
Now we reminisce in small conversations
Heaven came, at least it seemed that way
Cover my outline in a rainbow creation
I could have sworn I glowed for a second
Now living in the moment feels more precious
It’s crazy where everyone came and went
From where we started to where we end
I’m writing this before I write the poem/piece. I’m just gonna put some stuff down and see what comes.
516 · Sep 2020
Heaven Can Wait For Now
This cold feeling has got me heated
I need some spring cleaning before I fall
It’s not a secret to adore
I know how fast word travels
Give another fact, full cap, like a Snapple
What am I waiting for?
You’re not number one anymore
Got drunk, spilled guts, cold pressed apple
426 · May 2018
... but i'll stay
You thought I'd go away
I'm the color red in speech
I'm the color blue in thoughts
The color green when I see
Burn inside of the anger
Of a thousand years of fire
Drown inside of the sleepless
Nights that I've had, I'm tired
Search into my envy, my jealously
My wishing for more, my everything
I know that time goes and goes
But my mind doesn't like the clock
It keeps looking up and the hope
Dies inside of my nightmare thoughts
413 · Oct 2020
The Middle
I was living on borrowed time
But now I know, I’ll find my own
This felt like an unknown building
But now I know, this is my home
I wanted every answer to come
But now I know, to give it time
I used to feel an ounce of guilt
But now I know, it’s just my mind

I’m in the middle
But that is a good thing
It all feels simple
What any day can bring
I’m in the middle
Where I’m meant to be
I’m here for a while
I’ve got a life to see

I dove for affection and attention
I was a small piece of your life
Now I feed on my own acceptance
Where feeling peace brings the light
I’m not in heaven, oh no not yet
But I’ve run past the worst of my regret
I used to think this period was the answer
But I’m an afternoon before sunset
365 · May 2018
The Loudest Silence
My lungs are rusty, my sweat is running
My scream is ******, my face is flooding
A broken table after a punch of wrath
The crowd stands over with a laugh
I can't describe a fire without a match
I can't fathom why I ever felt trapped
And sometimes the noise that's best
Is a window of time inside of silence
I can't describe any pain without violence
I can't fathom why I felt there was no end

I don't want to feel any more anger
I just want to feel something more
329 · May 2018
Not all blessings happen in the same week
But everything eventually comes to me
There's still a lot of life to be displayed
Grab a shield until the fears go away
Afternoon nightmares held my face
Reaper with the scythe of I'm not okay
Lucifer came, and from there I prayed
To **** every deathwish and plague

I know you haven't found a home
I know, it shows, so have
My arms, my heart, my soul

I'm gonna put the ******* demon
In a barbed wire bodybag for one reason
Don't think about hurting that girl again
Or you'll see how this story will end
You do not lay on a crown of thorns
Now see what I could use this fire for
I'm burning the bag inside of the black
And I'm taking her ******* soul back
Bonus Poem
318 · Oct 2020
Staying up late til the light comes back
Thinking of things I should’ve kept in the past
I wish my mind and eyes could finally match
My brain feels dark, wish my sight was black
If I over drink, I over think, I wanna sink
Submerge me so my body feels equal
And once again, it never ends, all my zen
Used to be ten but now it’s zero and dull
247 · May 2018
Maybe This Is It...
I don't know what to do anymore
And this won't be full of rhymes
This is all free-written right now
And this could be the last one
I wanted to live like a rose
Full of beauty until I died
But like most flowers in life
I'm there, looked at, and that's it
I'm sorry if this has no conclusion
I'm praying for one to come to me
And I'm really hoping next month
Says a lot more than what is here
239 · Sep 2020
The fire came, but the bridge wasn’t burned
Every scar I’ve had are ones I’ve earned
Deleting conversations from the earth
And the way I acted still makes me hurt
This is my fourth day in row being sober
Fourth day where I didn’t wish this was over
I’ll count my blessing like four leaf clovers
The love you gave makes the heat feel colder
233 · May 2018
Death Of The Rose
What does it say to write about heartbreak?
Can't you tell I'm having a good time?
Grab your caskets, heart, and stake
The death of a rose has come tonight
As the gates of hell welcome through
Consume sleep that consumes you
Close your eyes, these bells will toll
As I have sold my heart and soul

As we have only began this journal
And it might take a piece of me
But that's all a metaphor though
And that's how it's meant to be
I'm giving all that I can give
Enough to where I barely live
This should have been my forte
But I know what it takes to feel okay
220 · May 2020
Untitled (Updated)
I should’ve known how this would end
We played the part of distant friends
And I knew it’d hurt like a metal fist
A strong uppercut that almost missed
You should’ve seen my hand the other day
Shaking and trembling like a rusty train
When it comes and goes in a fiery blaze
Lungs burn, stomach turns, this must be fate
I’m calling around for a saving grace
And with two bruised knees, I’ll try to pray
What was that thing you said to my face?
Honey, you’ll find love, but not today
And I never wore a frown very well
But it’s been hard, if you couldn’t tell
It’s not even summer and I already fell
I’ll buy any hope that you try to sell
Wrote this song to the melody of Inhaler’s My Honest Face.
204 · Jul 2020
the light in the distance
It’s almost as if I’m held hostage
And who I want to be is in front of me
Their grip is calm but I’m accosted
I’m shown every dream that I can’t reach
Things won’t change if I keep this pace
I can’t stand still and still go one way
I’ll stop to think when I have the space
And plan my bittersweet escape

We’ve seen this story play out
We end our day in the same room
We held onto everything we could
We’ll meet again tomorrow afternoon

If happiness was a career,
Here’s my application
If my mindset had any fear,
They’re still on vacation
The mountains are our goals
How much closer will we get?
Because if you take back control
You too can be closer to a sunset
197 · Aug 2020
Vice President
No, the drinking ain’t a social thing
The silence has been defining
So press my mind just like a bell rings
We’ll see what the hell that all brings
Cram another dose into the schedule
Right up until it’s consumed my soul
Stuff my mouth, ‘til I’m a painful full
All syllables, the argument’s controlled

The taste is fun and it all sounds sweet
It coats my nightmares with bright dreams
I can choose to become a story
But all pages can be left burning
The future is blank with a purpose
No one truly knows what comes next
I’ve got less worth, but I’m not worthless
Even when we’re getting close to it
195 · Aug 2020
blank for now
The less I think
The more it feels normal
Passing through life
Issues feeling formal
I respect my brain
But not this time, I let it go
And close my eyes, when times feels slow
185 · Jul 2020
catch another dream
In the roaring twenty’s
In my boring twenty’s
I keep seeing glory
But still I keep snoring
So whose fault, is it really?

I’ll take one more nap
When my brain gets bad
The story has capped
With a curtain call clap
These dreams are silly
178 · Jun 2020
If I was always right
I wouldn’t be a better person
I’d worsen, for certain
Ignorance is a burden
If happiness is the weather
Then depression is the city
Because one comes and goes
Another stays if I never leave
What do you take pride in more?
Accomplishments or the journey?
173 · Sep 2018
To Bee Kind.
And if you leave, I'll go with you
And I'll do that with no issue
You are my friend, but I'll say this
Being in love can feel like ****
It's less on you, it's more on me
I'll feel the pain, but I can't leave
I wish I could skip this whole week
We both know how this ends, don't we?
There is no point in burning leaves
Nothing will change and honestly
If I burn this whole **** forest
I can't expect to save some trees
And I'm not here to **** a bee
I'd kiss the scars that made you weak
But that's not my job or duty
Only if you gave me something
Some kind of sign, who I should be
More than maybe and I'm sorry
And when I say I'm moving on
It doesn't mean that I'll be gone
If we're both meant to stay strong
Then my heart needs to move along
And once again I'll say it twice
I promised to be here for life
Here forever, for yours, for mine
Have a nice day, have a good night
171 · Jun 2020
My 505
If only you loved yourself as much as them
You gave your heart despite the irony in all of their problems
You know their pain while dismissing your own solemn
Because you stored those thoughts in some hard to reach column
But knowing how one person can think
We’ll get to that hidden corridor with another drink
I wasn’t flirting with what you thought was some subtle cheeky wink
I was swimming in my problems avoiding the drown and the sink
164 · Oct 2020
puzzle piece
Why say goodbye when my purpose was nothing abound?
Just a reminder that someone held you as valuable sound?
It was all my choice, and curiosity is such a painful flirt.
It’s easier to forget what you’ve lost than remember what you’ve found.
I know my heart like a fugitive reveals the shadow of a bloodhound.
So don’t act like I never listened while I have only been around.
I’m just a puzzle piece of a photo that only made you hurt.
Drop the framed history on the hardest part of the ground.

To give the key to someone
Who wouldn’t hold the door
If you wanted your closure
You could have said so much more
I know my worth
That’s why it hurt
I am not a golden coat and broken core
Some sad stuff I guess lol
These temporary feelings
Are worth more than a blink
Physically similar until
You take the second to think
Because you can numb yourself
You can say it all goes away
But a scar is more than a line
In the arm, it’s more than pain
Hold yourself accountable
What love do you deserve?
I only know as much as I do
Because I’ve been here first
159 · Oct 2020
New Dawn Fades
I’ve got my laugh and cheeky wink
But that’s who I am on the fifth drink
And at this point I’ll tell the truth
With so much time, we are the youth
So pick my mind, aim for the brain
Learn too much, I’ll be whom to blame
The feeling’s short, it’s feeling long
It comes and goes, an endless song
All rise for the National Anthem
Guilt free lies and mild tantrums
Give the opera, I have the phantom
It’s organized, but all feels random
Sometimes I’ll write to the melody of a song and spill out whatever words and feelings come out. I don’t know if this meant to be anything direct, but it’s how I feel
150 · Sep 2020
Deleting conversations from my phone
Ashamed of how I acted 15 hours ago
Putting down the bottle and not because
I finished the drink and got a buzz
Don’t translate what I write to how I’ll act
Forget guilt, I’m the one who’s been bad
I want my conscience to feel more exact
More to myself, more to a matter of fact
I was gone, girl, but I’m not feeling high
I was at my mirror, rehearsing goodbyes
If time heals all wounds right into place
Then all this time is all I need to stay
145 · Sep 2019
To Knock On A Familiar Door
Have I passed the test when I’m
Left with zero negative lines?
Or have I failed the point of life
When I have nothing left to write?
At this point, I’d much rather exist as
Perfectly miserable than miserably perfect
142 · May 2020
I should’ve known how this would end
We played the part of distant friends
I knew this would hurt like a metal fist
When I came near & barely felt your kiss
You should’ve seen my hand the other day
Shaking and trembling like a rusty train
When it comes and goes in a fiery blaze
Lungs burn, blood boils, a grueling state
I’m calling around for a saving grace
And with two bruised knees, I’ll try to pray
What was that thing you said to my face?
Honey you’ll find love but not today
137 · Jul 2020
Still I’ve hit the ceiling
But the fan hasn’t cut me
There is no point in running
When you only feel exposed
Still I’m in the sunlight
So how the hell can I hide?
I can feel the end coming
We are closer to being closed
This would make a great chorus/hook. I know it doesn’t translate without the melody. Morbid first two lines, huh?
Staying up late til the light comes back
My mind’s on **** I should’ve kept in the past
I wish my mind and eyes could finally match
My brain feels dark, wish my sight was black
133 · Jul 2020
Living on borrowed time
So I’ll enjoy the view for the moment
I’d love to throw you a lie
But to be optimistic is to be hopeless
132 · Jul 2020
Gold Medal Painted Silver
I held the keys to the jail
Stole them from my cell
Between Earth and Hell
That’s where I’ve felt
Paint the gold a silver
That’s why the mirror hurts
I’m not worthless, but I’m less worth
131 · Aug 2020
It’s Currently 4:31 am
No, the drinking ain’t a social thing
Considering the silence is defining
So keep pressing my mind for a bell ring
Whatever the hell that really means
Fit another dose into the schedule
Right up until it’s consumed my soul
Stuffed mouth ‘til it hurts when I’m full
All syllables, the argument controlled
130 · May 2018
Sleep On Me
And should I be doing some more?
Will your feet cross this open door
I'm still trying to get to you
Can I accept what I could lose?
I'll wait, so you can take your time
And I'll be here on the otherside
And you know that I will not hide
I just hope you don't sleep on me

The future is watching yourself
A television of memories
The future is coming to help
A clock that never stops turning
If you need some comfort and rest
Who else could be for the best?
I've got a place to lay your head
I just hope you will sleep on me
127 · Sep 2020
In Due Time
It shouldn’t be what I expect from you
It’s only what you can expect from me
It’s time I’ve become worth my compliments
But if I take a second to be honest
It only feels like we’re saying words
Like we’re speaking, but never talking
How can I get to your heart,
If you don’t open your mind for me?
I’m sure that’s the point,
But in due time, we’ll figure it out.
126 · Aug 2020
It Tastes The Same...
I’d call the drinking a social thing
But lately it’s when I’m most quiet
Please jog my mind for a bell ring
But isn’t our silence most violent?
Fill another dose into the schedule
Until it becomes the next regiment
Fill the void ‘til it hurts when I’m full
Every syllable in an argument

The taste is fun and it feels sweet
It coats a nightmare with a dream
And how I think becomes a story
But pages can be torn to nothing
The future is blank with a purpose
So tell me what the hell comes next
I’ve got less worth, I’m not worthless
But getting dangerously close to it
She posts on her story
10 times every blink
Gotta mind that’d make you think
Gotta mind that makes her drink
119 · May 2020
the ******* version of me
always got the most things.
118 · Jul 2020
Should Be A Chorus
You make me want to talk
You make me want to think
You make me want to hold
My heart then let it free
You make me want to talk
You make me want to sink
My teeth into the fruits
Of my labor, like a dream
116 · Sep 2020
I’m over thinking
I’m over drinking
And I’ve been blinking
Where I’ve been sinking
This isn’t the path I thought I’d be on
Don’t be surprised how much I’ve felt gone
I’ve got hollow bones even when I feel strong
I did it to myself, don’t get me wrong
I keep writing songs about change
And ending up in the very same place
The damage is done,
but the bridge is not burnt
101 · Jun 2020
Progression is two sides colliding
Sometimes you’re the wheel
Sometimes you’re the road
Cause a wheel without ground
Is only worth falling in the sky
With no conclusion to show
97 · Aug 2020
If You Want The Truth
My name was removed from the list
You left the comma, to show I’m missed
I filled the gap, when you let me in
We had to end to begin once again
I like this one
70 · Jul 2020
Off The Cuff II
Let me question these fuzzy outcomes
Something feels wrong, I can sense it
Sometimes I feel we’re closer than we are
Like a checkerboard, but on opposite ends
I thought I’d see you, but the wave is too high
Walls of water have hit my sight
I’m still swimming in my problems
If I close my eyes, will I hit the shore?
Same as before, let’s see what happens.
67 · Jul 2020
See You
Waiting by the door
Seeing who comes down the road
My mind is something no one knows
Rotten to the core

Promise me something
When we get back home from the shore
We’ll do that thing where we did more
You’ll be queen, I’ll be king

That’s how it should go
A crack in your voice when you sing
It’s funny what emotion can bring
When you sing about hope
writing exercise
rhyming in the way of: ABBA, CAAC, BCCB
I wish you loved yourself as much as them
You gave your heart despite the irony in all of their problems
You know their pain and still dismissed every inch of your solemn
You stored those thoughts in some column

But knowing how much us humans think
We’ll get back to that mindset with our next coming drink
I wasn’t flirting with what you thought was some well-timed wink
I’m swimming in problems, try not to sink

My God, this world is so beautiful
You held your hands out while he took his and then crushed your soul
And after every year, the weight continues to take its toll
My blood boils while he took your control
empty words, there’s no substance
you spent time reading something
that in the end means nothing at all
this is an edge of what i could show you
apparently this is more interesting
no this isn’t deep or a metaphor
just a set of lines to fill a void inside
at least if no one cares, i didn’t try
who cares?
55 · May 2020
hotel room
I feel like going away
These choices have hit a node
Like checking out of a hotel room
That I feel will soon explode
Walking away, I can feel the heat
Burning elbows, as I leave the scene
I know what I like, who I want to be
But want and what happens,
Aren’t always on the same street

I spent this morning, thinking
Looking for a belt, but feel asleep
Just know I apologize for everything
That’s not just for you, that’s for me
What the hell was I even thinking?
I was on the edge to be left sinking
It’s no one’s fault, but I’m not helping
To feel hurt when you should be healthy
I’ll check my pulse by only blinking
I’ll grab the ledge before I’m left sinking

So thank you for always holding your hand out
Silence the worse that came out of my mouth
And though I’d say that I don’t deserve it
I swear you make me feel perfect
And that’s not a meter of any success
Just the reassurance of happiness
And though I know I’ll have pain again
Every worst nightmare eventually ends
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