uncertainty
it consumes me
inside out
I feel my lungs filling up with doubts
I feel my heartbeat fastening like a drum on a summer eve
I feel it
All over my body
My head swarms with buzzing thoughts
Unwanted
Please
Leave me in peace

I have all the time
Given to me freely with my first breath
Yet my body ages each day
I walk blindly towards the end
Will you show me the way
Step through heartbreak and all this grief
Jump over hatred, jealousy and hopeless days
Look forward
Fall in love, have all the firsts
Fall again, feel this joy and satisfaction
Creeping at every happy corner
Yet don’t stop, but walk
As the road is all you have

I still think of you
My mind wanders
I can’t feel you anymore
Feelings are gone
I no longer see your face
Memories became a blur
I don’t miss you
Hopes crushed now lay forgotten forgiven accepted
I let you go
Embrace the present and future with no us in it
I hope, I really do
that you find your person

sings hollow in my ears
suffocating
my every attempt at breath
i come up
crawl towards the shore
find silence again
ringing
submerged my mind freezes
time stops
hands shake
it will be okay
regardless
if you ever hear from him again

Somehow I feel so grateful today
For all I have for all I am
For all those who walk my path with me
And those who left
I breath out gratitude
For my beautiful body
Mine
So warm so dear
For the touch
For the smell
For the sight
For the sounds
For the taste
I am here
And while chaos and uncertainty reigns all around
I stand still
Breath in the unwelcome
And out “thank you”

first
I can see you from the distance
Ginger hair and tall figure
Then your arms lift me up
Close, my heartbeat fastens
Your voice reaches deep
Your pace is fast
Am I chasing after you already?
will you let me catch up
I see you look at me
Your eyes, a puzzle
What you’re hiding
are you with me, or else
far away
lost to me
we laugh and talk
time flies
moment flickers
disappears
you were mine only then

trying
can you try too hard
too much
too strong
too fast
I cannot stop my thoughts
they circle and circle
and find you again
am I falling?
how can I, if I cannot recall your face

I can feel it
My bones become heavy
Struggle to lift myself up
Move
Why my mind is blank?
So foggy
Please don’t come for me
I want to be
Fear, it creeps in
I can feel it
All around me and within
What am I afraid of?
Courage, my dearest
Let’s look fear in the face
——
I won’t give up
Not today

I crave connection
Yet fear this minefield of societal
subtleties
My image so precious constructed upon all those choices
Paths not taken
What if
If it crumbles
Will I be ‘me’ no more
Gains seem thin and loss enormous
Let me fall
My bruised ego will keep me grounded
Let me float
I’ll stay here with this fear
Look at it once and twice
Befriend it even
I have time
All the time

Life’s just around the corner
Shall I peek or stay hidden
Arms of comfort keep me here
Yet I wander what’s out there
Will my dreams be realised
If I risk it now
Take a step
Take another
All is well I’ll see you on the other side

words
i am searching my mind
thinking hard
where are the words
how can i make you know me
hidden, lost or else forgotten
i struggle to express my desire
for you
to like me, but real me
so i will not fake it
have my language
magnify and judge and once all finished
come back and stay
or else
discard
forget

Surrounded by green ocean I scratch my head
Did the world forget to stop spinning?
How can it be?
Goodbyes said this minute
Grief echoes far
Yet
Voices ring around me full of “normal”
Let there hope be
Continue as a warrior

My person is still out there
Searching for my face in the crowds
I wish you knew you are my person
So I could tell you to come home
My eyes are yet to meet yours
Hands await your touch
Will they fit perfectly?
My lips thirst for your warmth
Body to angle around yours
I seek your embrace
Why do you keep me waiting?
Please, come in
Make yourself comfortable
My heart is ready