I braved the mark of God and the Devil on each side of my ribcage,
an empty spot in my chest,
a heart that was never whole on the left
Unmarked by flesh but made by rose petals and battery acid,
brimstone, muck,
shadows that weren't just shadows, reflections of blue eyes and purple circles, veins that weren't normal colors,
doubt but certainty that this is me,
this is it,
this is all of me.
People talk.
There is a uniformed unity that swallows the red sea behind our eyes and the sea,
it leaks out through cracked pursed lips like a Russian lullaby,
the branches of love and hate permeate a scent so sweet that when it touches your nose you begin to beg God to take you home to the place you felt the afterglow of all of the people you know against the wall and in the picture frames and under the kitchen sink,
Ones vomiting lines of songs after drinking bottles of where they went wrong,
Coming down off of a high of lies from rails of love that weren't cut thin enough,
Seeking resilience after being hammered into the pavement by a hand that believes in ****** and grief and
Hiding your metaphors under the sheets you once slept
beneath,
Drifted,
Drowning your last bit of
bitter
in the river under the bridge
you
spray painted
"God doesn't exist"
on;
Running from everyone.
Around the house there are keepsakes of everything that reminds me of the way my skin is my bandage and everything underneath is an
open wound that has never healed
and every time the bandage is tampered with
the
wounds
get
bigger.
Asphyxiating the roots that link everyone and everything, asphyxiating my heart,
asphyxiation of me,
this is how it should be.
Silent and shivering
Ripe with nothing
Raw with all of our sieves leaking,

we must remember we're still breathing.

Baby, you and I on the road
Don't know where we are headed
But I know it's down...
Down...
Soft and sweet
Our wickedness so complete

Hell fire and Brimstone don't scare us much
Because we raise the flames
When we go down...
Down...
Tingles right up my spine
Wound up tight like twine

There is no redemption in those eyes
But you make me melt with that smile
And I'm going down...
Down...
And I just might die
If you stroke my thigh

One more time baby
cause we're going down
down

A fleeting glance
A longing stare
A touch of hand
A gasp for air

A beat that skips
When you're around
A heart that loves
Which knows no bounds

Within small talks
Without a clue
I helplessly fell
In love with you

It’s easy to blame
the parent that was never there.
It’s easy to remember
waiting at the gas station
with a full back pack for a dad who never came.
It’s easy to see
how a girl seeks a love
where she has to prove her worth
because it was never validated
by the one man who should of.

But it is even harder to forgive herself
for being angry
with the mother who was there,
on a single income,
taking the time to raise
the child that he didn’t.

Even though when it came to her love,
she picked the men
who didn’t even want her daughter
because she was a reminder of the past
without them.

It’s hard to accept that mom
was also that same starved girl
looking for a love that was unconditional,
only to find herself in a room full of conditions,
the ones that said “it is either me or her. ”
Only if she realized
that unconditional love
was staring at her calling her mom.

What is hardest is  
she always chose them.

Sitting at the gas station,
twenty years later,
staring at my packed bag,
I wonder why we keep being told
“they are still human.”
But weren’t they still parents?

If I loved the wrong person with all I had then I wonder how immensely I could love the right person.

~
~
I am moving with the stream
not worrying about the destiny even where they are going
or what they think
~
~

@ Musfiq us shaleheen

My head's a mess. It is. I've been compromised. I've been broken. Like a puzzle where none of the pieces match. None fit. I've realized mine never will either. Because someone has taken away a few and thrown in new ones. And I'm not even sure if I can blaim anyone else but myself. It's chaos. A mess. So I've given up. The fight is over. Leave me alone to curl in the dark corners of my bed. Please don't make me open my eyes. I don't want to see. If you try you will only risk getting your own puzzle shattered. That's what I am now. That's what I've become. The very essence of "you only want what you can't have". Reluctantly indifferent. My heart is off and the switch has stuck. Not wanting to be alone, but deserving it. I'm a safety hazard. Dangerous. I can make you fall in love with me. And that's what I crave. But I have forgotten how to love in return. You think I give and give and give. When all I really try to do is take, take, take to fill myself and switch my heart back on. If it's even there anymore, in the sinus of my chest. I can't tell. I can't feel it. So leave me alone to curl in the dark corners of my bed. Please don't make me open my eyes. I don't want to see what I've done.