not everybody will like
what I write,
not everybody sees things
the way I do,
but that’s the magic
in poetry,
they will read it
and somehow
try to feel it,
some will see the picture I painted,
some will be carried away
by the colors they create.

I would say
thank you for loving me,

and I would mean
thank you
for endlessly
taking me back to life
when I desperately
have lost the sense of it.

I am looking for you
in the poetries I didn’t finish
in the suit that’s left unworn
and in all wishful promises
we once believed in

we once saw
through forever
all dead dreams
that now become never
I am looking for you
and not even a sight
of your ghost found.

always get view of their backs,
hear sound of distant laugh cracks

I wish somewhere,
maybe not here,
my seat is fondly saved.

they say
there is beauty in simplicity

               and I'll add
               there's always blessing
               in mundane things

like fresh laundry,
and waking up early

                hot bittersweet coffee,
                and being said,
                "your outfit looks pretty"

life somehow
can get a bit scary,

                I wish I could always see
                the beautiful things
                that oftentimes
                slipped through.

she has a lot
she doesn't dare to speak of

she has been looking at life
miserably way too long

she has been thinking
she isn't deserving
of anything nice

she has been feeling locked up
way too often,

wondering why in the first place
she ever threw away the key.

I am certain
that
I will not regret
the struggle
to keep it down
rather than
the anger
I want to let thru.

adjusting to your absence
owning my perfect sense
you are so faraway
from where I can capture
glisten from your eyes

freezing moments
from the last time
I could see your clumsy whim
so long to be alone
but sure enough
your warmth won't ever be gone

so long dear
till we can be
face to face again.

you
                                emerge

              as

my                                   past                                           prayers

            that                             had                            finally

                                                              arrived

                                            at

                     heaven's                                      door

                                                     to

       lastly
                                                                  become

                all                               my                                      answers.

it's a lonely road
to walk through
but going it alone
is the only way thru.

all thoughts of others
that don't synchronize
with mine
will not define
how I respect them
as humans.

I will not idealize
the world
with the way I think
and have opinions
about things.

we are all humans
with different minds
& experiences through life
after all.

you
tirelessly
weave a clean sheet
for me to lay upon
and I
unseemly
hold too tight
onto your bad record.

wish I could lessen
the kilo meters spread
between us
into a hug away
from listening
to
your
*****
heartbeats.

I wish my words could console you
but they are too weak
to break down all the walls you built

I wish I could rub
all the pressures off of your back
but your distance got me helplessly
taking my steps back.

your wedding day
pretty much reminds me of
what could have been
what we threw away in the bin
and the ache that's now somehow healed
what we had was beyond repair
and how now the bride is your perfect pair.

when you miss a city
you don't feel belong in anymore

all the roads remain the same
just not the same adventure
all the street lights at night still as pretty
only does not give off the same feeling

your feet were once attached to its soil
now your label is only as a sightseer

all whom you love that been here
have left, flown, and scattered everywhere

reminiscing memories,
playing back blurry feelings,

in a lovely city you can book tickets
to go back for many times,

everything just can't be felt for the second time.

you burned bridges
from your cursed hometown
only to let you find out
it got you stranded
on somewhere even worse.

as all goes
my expectancy & fantasy
can get blurry and feel wrong

but my eyes are fixed
on the vision of you

I want this, I idealize that
turns out
you, too, have your own cut

I curse, I scream
turns out
I am not entirely
the woman of your dream

//

now we know each other's witches
now we fight our own bad jinx

we only know where to go
and that is through
this time no more foolish dream
this time will be true
just how we are human
and just how we try to make it through.

feels like many times
my thoughts are unable to decipher
and my feelings are often abruptly uneasy
blaming it on anxiety
but at all times
I am just helplessly standing on a blindspot
and it feels hefty to take my step out
anywhere else is just where I don't belong
and probably I was just built wrong.

second-guessing
      is                        
                a                       wrecker
    of                         what
                might
                                   be
                                              in
                        process
      of
                                            progressing.

all                was               imaginary
           and
      i                 ran             out
                                        of
            sanity
                            to
                                 imagine
some
                      more.

this world's dark bitterness
is sometimes too forceful
I have always been scared
and anxiety always has ways to eat me

but I think I will no longer
surrender to its mouth

I fight the waves
I shut their prejudices

I wanna be free
I wanna calm my thoughts.

born from the cloud
evaporated from the buried
dreams of silent poet.

It is easy to feel happy when you're surrounded.
But when the room is empty,
and you've got days, or even months to befriend yourself,
is it still the feeling of whole that's lingering on your chest?
The art of being alone is the art of cherishing your own self.
The only person who will stay for you long as you're present in life
is your own self.
The most meaningful presence for yourself is your own.

What is going on outside,
you are not missing out on any bit of it.

What you are not a part of,
you will never be incomplete without.

You are
a reality away
from
becoming my dream
that holds so true.

You are
embodying galaxies
and
each of your gaze
commence supernova.

generational gap
and different paradigm
dampen confrontation
and stay still patient

silenced my voices
for the family’s harmony
rejected my own ideology
in the name of valuing customary

I feel so weak
my opinions get bleak
I am just a daughter
with the stances of my own.

put the saddest songs in the world
join me in my party

colourless days of twenty something
so much feelings in such limited saying

feeling lonely
in the same time
don't wanna join the crowd

left-out
but skeptic of the outside world

trapped in the serenity of my self-made ward
and maybe I am just one big coward.

I am in belief
things that in present scare me
will somehow assist me in the future

I am terrified of many things
but I will still be in
for those terrifying & scary thins

I may be slow
but I ain't stopping.

I am not the words
                that burden me
I am more than the noise
                            that silence me

I do not owe anything
                       to my past
and my future
               will not terrify me

I rest my soul on the present
my thoughts are mindful
                  of becoming here,
                                               now.

my silence
will eventually speak
how my words
had never been heard.

I leave my soul wandering
going over the cotton candy sky with the blazing sunset in its cracks

the view of vast paddy field passing by
calming sound of your motorcycle running against the wind

I think I was born for moment like this
lifetime happiness in span of minutes
captured senses and your physique presence

stealing glances from rearview mirror
staring at the view of something called serenity

and suddenly it is crystal clear
as long as you'd be the driver
I'd willingly be on this venture
miles by miles
heading to our future.

rough feet touching the sheet
tired of all-day working the shifts
pretending present
while the soul is somewhere hiding

these feet
they have been in spots
that they felt pressured and lonely

rough feet walk the journey these days
to places with no friends
do things to make ends meet
meet people with unfriendly gazes

after the day is up
rough feet back to the bed
still lonely,
but at least feels more at ease.

I may feel lost
but still I am being in a journey
I may now feel clueless still
but also I am heading to the right clarity

all will get better in time,
the time all will be perfectly unfolded.

they are reaping
what they had sowed
I am processing
the pursuit of waiting
soon enough I will reap too
all the things I bear through time
and hold it in my hands tightly
and I, too, will be smiling joyfully.

I am caged
but I fly away
so far
with written words
of thoughts
and feelings
I explore
and sightsee
wherever up to me
my feet are always in one place
but my soul has flown places.

counting hours until you fly away to
chasing future dreams and ambition

sitting side by side, hearing the minutes tick in mind, and nothing significant to say

we stop asking questions
and another hour go by

capturing your face in sight
so I can remember how it feels like
to be by your side
comfortable silence
and the grip of your palm

I verily have so much to say
yet the words don’t wanna steal the scene
of me preparing your absence
and months to spare
in befriending empty
building my lonesome cavity

22.10,
you’d be out of the country,
and I’d start feeling tearfully lonely.

bad thoughts
and intrusive nightmares

scary aimless future
and unprogressive present

things that drown me
but leave no mark on my surface
a collection of sadness
buried underneath smiley face

sadness in the head
throughout the day
in need of solace
to bring me out of isolation
all day thinking about
unforeseen safe haven.

I drown in anxieties
and I swim to the surface
trying to grasp the air of calmness
but self-doubt come in waves
and the waves are too enormous
I breathe with remaining sanity
telling myself
I can keep swimming
the waves are rough
but this ocean is mine.

look through my eyes
and believe
that I know

life has burnt you out
but soon you become
a phoenix
rising from the ashes
of life's pernicious burn.

you are brave
with concealed fear still
your hands as yet tremor
and your words are kept
before they’re said aloud

you are matured
and to date
often confused
by witless doubts
but you go along with ugly risks
looking bold with hidden sweaty palms

you are all the things you are,
and you are all the things
you do not talk about,
you are without fail a sublimity,
you’re daringly living
while cluelessly learning about it,
you are a fighter.

she is a fickle girl with fear
of getting abandoned
begging you
"please don't leave"
she presumes this time
will be permanent

your mark is all over her
and you are the only grip
she is so afraid to lose

you are her one true wonder
whom always seen singing Bon Iver,
you handed her stories
she will never get over
you are the life, you are a sustainer

you paved the road she follows
she was a chaos, now she's in order
she hinges too much
on one thing that's perhaps not enough
an uncertainty of uttered words
"I will never leave".

feeling like this
is why somebody writes
and cries
for a hole that's eating
from inside

in silence longing for
a hug,
a banter,
familiar situation,
overlooked things
that's unknowingly
taken for granted

regular seat
of usual drive,
seeing faces in hallway,
boredom in the station,
and things I never knew
can be much wanted

yearning I could go back
to feel things once again

but, sadness
is why somebody writes
and regrets.

it's getting ill
with no cure on hand
the days are longer
without any more laughter

the debates
left by the members
you know it'll only be
never ending disputes

it's changing,
and dying
as you sleeping on it.

chipped tooth, scar on eyebrow,
and a heavenly face like yours

to have a saved seat
and stroke of luck

moon eyes,
joyous embrace

to be taken by the hand
and be loved so grand

I bet forever on your name
your existence,
is forever
a divinely phenomenon
I keep thanking life for.