You had a bad morning,
so you pick up a cigarette & light it once.
You had a bad day at work,
so on your break,
you pick up two more.
You're stuck in traffic,
so you smoke three more on the way home
& don't think twice about it.
You walk in your house
& see the bills stacked up.
Stressed, you smoke a few more.
You think nothing of those things, until one day,
your child is born...
that was the last day you ever picked one up.

Autumn is around the corner, darling.
The air gets colder, & the trees start losing leaves.
Autumn is beautiful.
Orange, red, yellow colors everywhere.
Late nights, cool air.
Cups of tea.
The perfect cuddling weather.

You.
You're nothing but
Broken promises
&
Broken dreams.
You.
You're nothing but
a liar
&
A cheater.

I remember
Those brown eyes
I had a dilemma for almost an entire day
Is this love?
I lay down on my bed
Just thinking of that girl
These thoughts were a wonderful escape from the present
She ran through my mind
Spun dreams of
Wanting her. & those brown eyes
I started to think..
Details upon details, playing with the fragments of my dreams.

I miss being a child who
didn't give a care for the world
except playing outside.
I remember playing in the back yard
all day till it got dark & momma yelling for
me to come in for dinner & to shower
before bed.
I miss not worrying about anything
except what stick I wanted to play with.

I couldn't sleep last night
& that's because you weren't there.
I need you by my side at night
& here is why.
I need your warmth
when I get cold.
I need you fingers tracing my
arm to help me sleep.
I need your body
so I can feel safe.
After all, I need my
soul mate
so our hearts can sync.

She's dangerous.
The way her eyes pierce your soul.
The way her kisses are deadly to your body.
Her touch will melt your skin.
Her love is powerful enough
to sweep you off your feet.
That girl,
she's dangerous.
But you,
you like the danger.
You're addicted to hers.

Depression is the worst.
The pain it gives you.
It sinks deep deep down inside you.
Some of us handle it by
smoking cigarettes.
Some drink their pain away.
Others, like me,
cut red lines like tally's
across our skin.
None of these ways are good for us.
But what are we to really do?
We feel alone.
We feel destroyed.
We feel  disconnected.
The prescriptions ****.
Why do we have to have something
to swallow to make us feel better?

We shouldn't.

But some of us do.

Depression is the worst.

Don't you hear the sound of my voice
that I'm tired.
The voices in your head tell me to
stop but all I do is run.
Im tired.
I want to stop
& walk
& talk about the pain
in our hearts because I
assure you're not alone.
Rescue me from the deep trench
Ive sunk myself into.
I dug myself into to.

The scariest thing about falling in love is
that you're simply falling.
Just like if you're climbing rocks
& you slip & you feel your heart drop.
That's what it's like falling in love.
You slipped into their mind.
Falling for their beauty.
Falling for their smarts.
You're falling
&
it's scary.
But you can't help but to fall
for them.
Because they're perfect to you.

Everybody likes to eat.
Some more than others.
Food is like happiness for our mouths
& our stomachs.
But nothing is bad with a little food.
It comforts us when nothing else done.

Food owns my heart.

I searched the streets for you.
I've searched the church
& your house.
I didn't give up
so I searched the sky.
Surprised I saw you.
You were up there looking
down at me.
I miss you, please come back.
But I know it's silly to say that.
Knowing God took you for a reason.
But I really miss you

For years of feeling trapped.
For years in hiding.
For years of making everyone else happy.
I quit.

I'm breaking open.
I'm busting my shell to pieces.
I'm tearing the walls down for good.
For me.

I cut my hair.
I dressed how I wanted.
I am who I am.
For me.

But I'm still trapped.
But I'm still in hiding.
But I'm still not me.
I'm lost.

With these breast.
With this voice.
With this body.
I'm not me.

My *** won't define me.
My looks won't save me.
My voice will hurt me.
I need to change.

I'm forgetting society's idea of "normal."
I'm not a 'princess,' I'm a 'prince.'
I'm going to be happy.

Trans.

No more pain.
No more hiding.
No more being scared.

If I could build my perfect soul mate,
I'd build it like you.
My soul mate will
have beautiful eyes so I can get lost in them at night.
& long arms so they can hug me tight.
My soul mate will have a sweet voice,
so I feel comfort.
But I don't need to build a soul mate,
because I already have you.

If you could see what I see through my eyes,
you'd see how I look at you.
You'd see that I look highly of you.
You'd see that I'm happy with you.
You'd even see that I fall harder
when I see you smile.

If you could see what I see through my eyes,
you'd see my eyes only see you.

If you fall in love with me,
you'll be falling in love with a big nerd.
I like to read & I'll love to read to you.
I like to write & I will even write little
love poems to you.
I think forehead kisses are cute, so you'll
get some of those too.
I like museums, & parks.
I even like playing video games,
& I'll ask you to play with me.
I get overly excited about the science
channel on tv.
That's how somethings would be,
if you fell in love with me.

I hate you
&
it's all because of how you treated me.
No ones fault but your own.

If I didn't have cores to do,
I'd stay in bed all day with you.
We'd cuddle, kiss & watch movies all day.
If I didn't have ten thousand things to do,
I'd stay in bed with you.
But,
I do, so I can't.
That's why I enjoy coming home to you at night,
8 to 10 hours of cuddling with you tonight, baby.

Is it really that simple to write?
Or is it more complicated than that?
Is it me reaching inside my head,
to the deepest, darkest places
just go grab the words I need.
To twist, & bend those words
to become sentences that easily flow from line
to line?
To crumble those sentences, then
toss them onto a page,
hoping they become
a sentence with
well thought out structure?
So, when you go back & read,
it's this beautiful writing?

I think our eyes play tricks on us.
Am I really seeing her with bruises?
Am I really seeing that man sleeping on the street?
Am I really seeing her arms marked like tally marks on a test?
I think our eyes play tricks on us.
Or am really hearing silence in the family home that should be filled with laughter.
Or am I really seeing the kid at school wearing the same things over & over?
No.
I don't think our eyes play tricks on us.
I think our eyes see the truth of our world.

Took me 18 years to realize I didn't want to really live because I wasn't living.
You're not living when you feel like you're dying everyday.
You're not living when you break down & cut lines across your skin like tally marks.
You're not living when you can barely breathe.
You're not living.
But you're alive & there's nothing you can do about it.
Pain & suffer.
It's a game.
You're facing your own monsters because you learned they weren't hiding in your closet but instead they're hiding inside you.
You're fighting against your soul.
Your body.
You don't know how to defeat them without defeating yourself.
So what do you do?
You give up.
You lost.
It's over.
Good night.

I'm trying to show you that I love you.
I'm trying to show you I need you.
Darling, please hear me when I say,
I want you in my life.
I want to wake up next to you.
I want to make you breakfast when the sun rises.
I want to cuddle & watch movies when the
moon shines bright.
I can be your one & only,
if...
you'll be my one & only too, darling.

I wonder what made my heart so cold.
Then I realized, it was the worst thing that had happened to me.
Depression.
It had froze my soul solid.
It's made my body numb,
from head to toe.

It's late in the night
& I want to show you whats right.
I'll take you to a whole new height.
I'll be the one who protects you,
just like a knight.
Up in the air, do you see this sight?
I'm not talking about the moonlight.
Darling, I'm talking about you tonight.
I can hold you tight.
There might be a problem though,
the sunlight is coming up.
I'll invite you again tomorrow,
we'll see the starlight,
once again. darling.

Lets go to the park,
& play on the jungle gym
like we are 7 again.
Lets chase each other through
the sand
& then slide down the slide.
Lets swing on the swings as high
as we can,
pretending to be birds in the sky.
Then when it gets dark,
lets go back to our real age,
& lay in the grass together
& watch the stars in the sky.

I want you to take a moment
& listen to me.

When you're laying next to the one you love,
do you ever put your head up against
their chest, & listen to them breath?
If you haven't, you should.
It's one of the most peaceful things
you could ever hear.

When you're laying next to the one you love,
do you ever just listen to them speak?
I mean really listen.
If you haven't, you should.
Listen to how the words just flow from their lips.
It's one of the sweetest things you could ever hear.

Try listening to the one you love.
Take a moment & listen.
You'll hear things different if you do.
Trust me, I know.

I realized today
that I am a lost soul.
I never really
felt like I belonged anywhere.
I searched around,
but I was never found.
I'm looking for myself in
all the wrong places.
I needed help,
but who can help you
if you can't help yourself.
I think being lost is one of the best
things that has ever happened.
I say that because I connect with other souls
who
are
lost.

She wakes up every morning & looks in the mirror.
Not happy by what she sees,
she covers her face with makeup.
She thinks it makes her look pretty,
but I know she's pretty without it
& I tell her everyday, hoping she believes me.

For so long I've felt trapped inside my head.
I've wanted for so long to break out
& be free.
I've felt the pain long enough.
These scars can't hold me
back forever.
I will shine.
I will
overcome this monster.
I will defeat
the demon inside
my head.

You think your life is going well,
when before you know it,
everything flashes before your eyes.
We are humans. We make mistakes.
Being a teenager, I've realized I've made a lot.
Time to change my ways.
For myself.
I have learned from my mistake, & I feel like not everyone does.
No one sees I'm trying to be a better... me.

Music speaks besides the obvious words.
Music tells us it's okay to be different.
Music tells us don't let that boy hurt you
anymore.
Music tells us things we don't want to hear,
but we need to.
It'll tell you what some people are too
afraid to tell you.
Music blocks out the noise & pain we feel.
That's why we connect to music so much.

My birthday is tomorrow,
but I don't care.
My birthday is tomorrow,
but it's just another day.
My birthday is tomorrow,
but it doesn't matter.
My birthday is tomorrow,
& I'm just one day closer to death.

For as long as I can remember, I've had depression.
I can't remember how it started,
but I know it's been a while since I was better.
I crave to be okay again.
Then I met her.
She came into my life &
changed everything.
I guess things do get better.
She helps a lot.

Poetry
The Beach
Alcohol
Pizza
&
you.
Are my favorite things.

My girl is tall.
My girl has darker skin.
My girl has deep brown eyes.
My girl is beautiful.
My girl is smart.
My girl has my heart.
My girl is my girl.
& I'm in love.

My girlfriend is the best.
My girlfriend has stolen something from me though.
I was scared at first but now it's okay.
She stole my heart
& she can keep it.
I know she'll take great care of it though.
She put her own lock on it, & she
swallowed the key.
My heart is heavy with love.
My girlfriend is mine.

I will give you my hoodies
when you're cold,
even if I'm cold too.
I will buy snacks when you're
in the mood for something sweet.
I will rub your feet after
a long day.
I will try to fix your car problems.
I will cook for you
at 2 in the morning.
I will run your bath water &
wash you down if you're too tired,
or not feeling well.
I will run to the drug store
whenever you need medicine
so you don't get sick.
I will kiss all your booboo's.
I will buy you little gifts
& I will clean the house for you
just to give you a break.
I will hold your hand so you
don't feel alone.
I will kiss you right before you go to sleep
& right when you wake up.
I will love you.
Oh yes,
I will love you.

Never thought I'd be happy,
until I met you.
Never thought I'd smile again,
until I met you.
Never thought someone could love me,
until I met you.
Never thought we'd be together,
until you showed me.

I'm not just lesbian,
I'm human.
They're not just gay,
they're human.
& you're not just straight,
you're human.
Gay marriage
is just marriage.
We don't have gay or lesbian
feelings.
We have feelings.
We hurt, cry, smile &
are happy, too.
We're no different
than the rest.

I often talk out loud.
But it doesn't seem to bother you.
I know I talk in my sleep about
my awful past.
But it doesn't seem to bother you,
either.
I know I rant about the pain.
But that doesn't seem to bother.
After everything I do,
you listen.
You care.
You're different.

Walk.
Don't run.
You might miss the morning sun
Or you might forget to breathe.
See, it's easy to get caught up in the world.
If you're always looking down at the technology no bigger than a basketball then you might miss out on your partner looking at your lips just waiting...
For a kiss.
Or
Maybe if you're stuck at work in a cubical typing with the sounds of a hundred clicks a minute then you might miss the chance to see the rainbow after it rains or
the little man with the *** of gold.
Just walk for a moment for the sake of our generation.
Let go of the idea that technology runs us & get outside & run with your dog or actually get down & play army men with your kids.
One day it'll be too late & the world we know will no longer be a world
We want to live out.

I told you I'd do anything for you.
I told you I'd give you my coat
when you're cold.
I told you I would love you
even on your worst days.
I told you I'd travel oceans
just to see you.
I told you I would kiss you
when you were hurt.
I told you all these things,
thinking you'd do the same
in return.
Turns out,
you kept your coat so
so you wouldn't freeze.
You took your love back,
when I was struggling.
You didn't even cross puddles
if it meant you had to get wet
just to see me.
You wouldn't kiss my scars,
which hurt me
second most to you.

It's late in the evening
& I'm staring at the walls.
I'm thinking of our future,
& all my flaws.
"I want to marry you!", I yelled.
"I want to marry you", I whispered quietly as you
began to fall asleep.
Your heads on my chest.
& all I can think about is our future & my flaws.

Come with me, lets runaway darling.
Let's get out of this old town,
& see what comes our way.

Grab nothing princess, let us just go.
Our whole world is a show.

We can fall in love in Paris,
or roam the streets in Venice.

We'll sleep in the hills of Tennessee,
& wake up & see the sun in your eyes.

Come & run away with me, darling.
The world is our destination.

The scars are a constant reminder
of what we've been through.
It takes almost everything
we have, not to add onto
the tally marks
lined across our skin
when everything we go through,
breaks us apart.

Teacher lectures.
Talking students.
Busy hallways.
Quiet librarys.
Running in gym.
Crying in chem.
Numbers & letters.
Words in a book.
Lockers slamming
& jamming.
Study.
Stress.
Test.
School.

Shadows come in different shape & sizes.
Everything that light touches has
a shadow.
You're shadow is one thing that you
will never get rid of.
It's always there.
No one can take that away from you.
After all,
it is
you.