I answer the phone,
And my heart stops.
My eyes blur,
And my world cracks.

I am on the ground
Hugging my knees to my chest,
And I am numb.

I don’t feel the shaking of my body,
I don’t hear my sobs that wrench from my cracking body
I don’t see the people stare at me as they witness my utter destruction.

My body is breaking.
My soul is shattering.
My whole world is growing dark,
And the only thing I can do is scream,
And shake,
And cry,
And wish to take you’re place.

I can’t fathom a world where I can’t call you
Where you won’t be there to give kind advice,
And stern reality.

With a shaking voice, I ask “How will I ever be the same without him?”
My stepmother responds “You wont.”
-ALC March 13, 2019

I am made of my brothers twisting grip,
as we grapple on the living room floor.
I am made up of saying uncle,
and laughing so hard at the dinner table that milk comes out of my noise.
I am made up of slobbering dog kisses, loving kitten purrs, and injured strays.
I am made up scrambling through bushes, slipping in dirt, and mudded shoes.
Of wild hair, wild eyes, and a wild grin.

I am made up of road trips and sunny days.
Of pool parties and family gathering where laughter is the only thing that echo’s through you’re ears.

I am made up of countless flues and colds that kept me homesick.
Of ditching school with my best friends to go to Disney land,
Of every Friday night being girl’s night for 3 years.

I am made up of heart break for lost love and lost friends.

I am made up of travel and moving away
I am made of studying in Australia,
Of my Danish and Dutch friends that I chose to make my family.

I am made up of smiling faces as I walk to school,
Of ravens over head, and redwoods straight in front.
I am made of scratched arms and bruised legs
Of callused hands and burning muscles.

I am made of a drive for adventure and new experiences
Of an aggressive spirit
And a curious mind.

I am made of freedom,
Of courage
Hope,
Happiness,
Sorrow,
Loss,
Heartbreak.
Of love
Eccentricity
And a warriors spirit.
I am made up of my memories, of the people I have met, and of the experiences that will never stop.
-ALC February 23, 2019

It’s amazing, how little it took for me to get over you.
It’s amazing, how I can go day-by-day without thinking of you.
So what stops me now,
From walking through that door,
That separates us both?

It’s Amazing that I can go day-by-day without thinking of you,
But right now I can’t even bear the possibility of seeing you.
So I’ll stand right here,
And stare at the door,
Wondering where we go from here.

It’s amazing how little it took for me to get over you.
But now I’m standing here
And I don’t even want to see you.

It’s amazing how little it took for me to get over you
And now I can’t even look at you.
-ALC February 15, 2019

I forgot what it was like to spar with witty banter
I forgot what it was like to be grabbed with gentle hands
I forgot that a conversation doesn’t have to be all ******
I forgot what it was like to date a man
-ALC Feb 9, 2019

I cannot run away from you
You're running straight into my heart
This pain is subsiding so slowly.
I can't breath this last breath
I can't weep this last tear,
You're everything I've ever feared.

When I think about those thoughts, I see nothing but fear,
I see nothing but you,
I feel nothing but a tear,
I  feel nothing but the perplexing pounding in my chest, my heart.
I do nothing but breath my silent breaths
Slowly, painfully, slowly, calmly, slowly.

I do nothing but hear the sweet clicks coming to me slowly,
I do nothing but it rises in me; the fear,
I do nothing but it comes more hastily; my breath,
I do nothing but feel so happy; it's you,
I do nothing but it pounds more rapidly; my heart,
I do nothing but they begin to appear; the tears.

I'd do anything to keep these tears,
I'd do anything to make you move more hastily; you're to slow,
I'd do anything to keep this uncontrollable heart,
I'd do anything to keep my hated fear,
To get rid of them would mean to get rid of you.
I'd do anything to keep these trembling breaths.

I want to feel your breath,
I want to wipe away your tears,
I want to be to close to you,
I'd stop being to slow,
I want to take away your fear,
I want to calm your beating heart.

They could be one; our hearts,
It could be ours; each breathe
We could tame it; our fear
They could vanish; our tears
Together we could be to slow
It could be us; me and you.

I love this world of fears and tears
I love the beating of slow hearts
I love the feeling of your breathing

It sooths my soul,
Easing me into a secure state.
Persuading me to lift the corners of my mouth
And smile a sparkling grin.

Then it snaps,
And screams nonsense in my ear.
Causing alarm and panic to kick me in the gut.
Causing my head to spin,
And my stomach to clench.

It tries to sooth the whirlwind it has lead me into,
To put me back on steady ground,
To breathe through the confusion.
It whispers soothing lyrics to me
To lift my spirits once again,
Encouraging me to smile
Imploring me to steady my nerves.

But panic for some unknown horror has already sunk in,
And the alarm bells are screaming in my ear.

With gasping breaths,
Clenched fists,
And a pounding head,
I release myself into sleep
Where even My Voice doesn’t have control over me.
-ALC January 18, 2019

I can’t breath,
Air stuck in my throat,
Caught as I stare wide eyed.

I hear the click, click.
I hear my heart pounding.
I know what is going to happen.

My muscles are bunching,
Ready to spring forward
Ready to let out a screech

A foot steps in the door,
And I smell your scent,
Whooshing in with the cold air
That slips in through the cracks.

My eyes grow wider in circumference,
My lips are parted,
My muscles are taught,
My fists are clenched,
And as you finally enter into our house
And look at me.

I spring with a screeched,
Wrapping you in a tight embrace,
Kissing your face repetitively.
We fall to the ground laughing
Curled into each other.
-ALC January 18, 2019