I walked away.
It wasn't because I'm selfish.
Its because I could no longer suffer the abuse.
Constant attacks that were physical and mental.
I couldn't function properly.
My kids suffered because I wasn't happy.
It became a game of hiding behind a smile.
You still blamed it on me.
Afraid to let everyone know who you really are.
So I became the outcast.
The one all looked down on.
Not because of something I did but because of something I should have done a long time ago.
Open up to the world

You claimed that it was my fault.
Told me that it was the neglecting of affection.
You said that I was at fault.
You accused me of being unfaithful.
Hearing you say I was with a mistress.
That all my love was given somewhere else.
Truth be told, I did neglect your needs.
I knew what you wanted.
What was I supposed to do?
I worked twelve hours shifts.
Never got to rest.
It was work, errands or something else.
My mind was gone.
My body was weak.
My heart got broken.
All because you couldn't see that the reality was, I was the one who truly needed help.

Free your mind
Forget what your preconditioned about life.
Everyone has a view but dont let it become your anchor.
Set sail and journey the vast sea of your heart.
See the world through your eyes.
Find who you truly are.
Discover the you that has been stricken away by the world.
Not everything is gloomy and dark.
Look to the sun, the moon, and the stars.
See the horizon for what it truly is.
Always remember that no matter how dark it gets, there will always be a sunrise that follows.
All I ask is that you don't write off the world as a bad place.
See it for the beautiful wonders it is.
Free your mind.

My mind is infested.
Plagued by the echos of the past.
I want to be cleaned.
Wipe away all my thoughts.
...
I don't know why I have this feeling inside.
Why can't I forget what has been done?
Must I truly crave that feeling again?
The affection of someone who loves unconditionally?
...
I guess I just needed to vent.
Maybe that's just it.
Hopefully.
...

I forgive you.
I let go of all you did to me.
I forgot how you criticized me.
I looked past how you put me down.
I let go of all the negative things you said to me.
Why?
You wonder why do I do it?
It's because in the end, you were my wife.
It's because your kids where my blood even when we weren't.
It's because no matter what you did or said I still loved you all.
Why would a man go so far for you?
The reason is because I don't look at what I will lose when it's over, but because I see what I gained in the end.
Good bye my love.
Good bye my kids.
It's time I gave up on what you saw pointless.

Forgive me old friend for i didnt know.
I wish it didnt end that way.
I cant help but look at myself in disgust for not realizing it sooner but you were too good at hiding it.
Looking back now i see the signs so clearly.
They say that the ones who smile the greatest are the ones who hurt the most but yet i didnt see it.
How could i have called you a friend if i could not even save you from yourself.
I basically gave you away without a fight and all because i couldnt see what you really felt.
You deserved much better than this.
Now look at you.
Rotting away.
What have you done?
I should have done more.
If only i stayed true to myself instead of letting this world change me.
Im sorry my old friend.
Sorry that i gave up myself instead of holding on to you

Time runs by slower every day.
Crickets fill the night with their songs.
The moon and stars shinning through my windows crack.
Tossing and turning but sleep keeps eluding me.
What has become of my mind of late.
Filling itself with fear and hate.
Anger clouds this weak minded fool.
Drowning myself just like a pool.
Please give me an answer for all this.
Why have you chose to betray me?
I know what is right but my heart refuses to forgive.
You chose the path you did but I am the one who is being evolved.
I become what I need so that no one has this leverage on me again.

Today is my birthday.
A time of celebration.
House filled with music.
Kitchen smelled of aromatic food.
Fridge stocked with the coldest drinks.
Cigarette flowing through my body ever so smoothly.

Today is what I waited for all week.
The anticipation was so unbearable.
A time to enjoy myself with family and friends.
What more could I have possibly asked for?
Company was all I really wanted.

Today is my birthday.
Today no one showed

This room is too quiet.
I can't see a single thing.
I feel it getting tight in here.
I'm losing my breath slowly.
My chest is getting tight.
I'm gasping for air.
I open my mouth but nothing comes out.
I feel the spiders crawling all over me.
I don't know what to do.
You used to be here and save me but now you're gone

No one noticed.
I matured more than ever.
No one noticed.
I got a promotion.
No one noticed.
I stopped smoking.
No one noticed.
I stopped getting drunk.
No one noticed.
I felt out of place.
No one noticed.
I started cutting myself.
No one noticed.
I tried to over dose.
No one noticed.
I was extremely depressed.
No one noticed.
I showed up on the news...
Now everyone noticed.

What do i say?
Im utterly speechless with her.
I eyes are locked but i don'tknow what i should do.
My heart races at the shear thoughtof telling her.
Tell her how i think she is amazing?
What about how i cannot sleep without thinking of her?
Should i dare to say what i truly feel?
I open my mouth but i cannot speak those words.
The words that would set me free and release me of this hold.
Oh how i urn to tell her those exact words that make me weak inside.
I really want to tell you your beautiful, smart and amazing.
Tell you everything you truly are, but most of all,
Tell you i love you more than words could ever describe

I was frozen in fear.
There was nothing i could do but stay in that place without moving an inch.
It even became hard for me to breathe.
Everything around me became frozen and all that could be see what you.
Nothing else mattered at that very moment.
I remembered all the times we said "i love you".
Every moment that our lips touched under a passionate kiss.
The laughs that we shared and the tears that we cried.
Everything brought before my eyes led up to you and I.
Oh how i yearned for you in this very moment.
For the last kiss.
The last laugh.
The last smile.
Im sorry but this is it for me my love.
Im glad you got away from here.
I gladly give my life to save yours.
Forgive me for not making it back to you tonight.
For breaking my promise to never leave you alone.

I was beaten.
Punched.
Slapped.
Pushed.
Drinks spilled over me.
Dishes thrown and broken.
I was cursed at.
Verbal stricken down.
Looking back on it now it's kinda funny.
People hear this and wonder why I stayed.
In all honesty, I don't even understand it myself.
I guess I just really try to see the best in people.
I can't help who I am.
I just choose to see the light in the people who need it the most.
This is no confession of love but yet a declaration that I refuse to give up on the people of this world.

I Dream Of You

I dream of you.
It seems like every night you find your way into my thoughts as an ant to sugar.

I dream of you.
I dream about the memories of our love from various times as though life was flashing before my eyes.

I dream of you.
There must be a reason for this to continue but yet i have no clue as to what the puzzle really is.

I dream of you.
I cant help but wonder if the reason i dream of you is because you also dream of me.

What happens when we begin to lose sight of ourselves?
When we begin to hide it all from everyone, we drift away.
No one can read minds.
The smile we give makes them believe we are OK though untrue.
The laughs we gives are empty but only we see it.
We lose faith in it all and then what happens?
Why can't we just let ourselves fade away.
Drift away in the dark for too long and it's hard to get back.
Times like these we need someone to be there.
Don't be afraid to let others know how you feel because there are those who want to help.
Faith in others is what helps us thrive and yet we forget at times.
Let the world know your pain and you might just be surprised who will stand by you.

Return from the dark
By Adrian Trejo
8-30-16