I've been searching for the longest time for a place to begin...
the life in which I should call mine, inspired by a hazy ora.

I find myself just jumping the gun
just looking to be done
with this search...oh when is it over?
To find independence and stability...
to find not the needle ,but a certain piece of hay within the hay stack.

The search to begin has happened over and over,
every time I think I've found it...
there I go pushed back to start, forced to start over.
Except I am not a piece of plastic within a board game
more like a hamster running on a wheel,but for what gain?

Once again finding a place to begin again...
a new set of friends inside of a new city...
I think to myself " LOL the fun never ends."

I set myself up,
pretending to be cautiously sober
from the depression that trapped me inside of such a hellish roller coaster.

As I begin to find a place to begin again,
here they come my father's words...****..
"Just dig yourself out of the whole, that you've dug."

****! I wasn't supposed to remember that part!
...Not in my place to begin again.

I'll just have to retrace my steps...let's go back to the start

"I once was a girl with depression, but I decided to get over it through repression, and here we are today, not to remember your father's words of blame...don't remember that, it's not important."  (Rant over)

A voice says: Hi, welcome back Adrian
this is your place to begin again
and if not...

Well it's about time depression left you dead.

Die it black, DIE it black, DIE IT BLACK
they say...
Because if you die it white the blood WILL stain
Besides it's not that inhumane, they're disposable anyway.
Like a black trash bag consumed with garbage
One purpose, one dark excuse to attack.
They're murderers, thugs and robbers
and if we just disregard them they'll never stop in their tracks.
So in order to maintain #AllLivesMatter
we'll destroy each and everyone of these hoodlums
until this violently painted black comm(UNITY) shatters.
And as each broken piece falls to the ground
we'll fall to our knees in awe of the gleaming white crown

So dust it off and D.I.E. THEM BLACK
for everything that you thought you stood for
is falling though the cracks.

For this one toned American hell hole can't get any worse if we D.I.E it BLACK
...and put humanity first.

Between these sheets is pure skin and bones
All that's left of we
My chest is aching for your touch
So willingly
But what is love if it can 't be set free?
Is it just "meant to be" ?
The casualty of this great loss will never let me be.
I run and run on a continuous treadmill in fear of what will become of me.
The loveless love that you have provided leaves me both infested and divided.
You leave your mark, plant your seed only to watch me bleed and deplete.
Now I guess you can leave, just walk away.
The mission is now complete.
This casualty is one for the ages, one for the books, so please take note and beware of his capturing hook.

I've been writing all of this poetry
my mind is overflowing.
While my body is imploding
with an electric feel it can't help but showing.
It takes me to a place in which I cannot control
who I was and who I am underneath such an everlasting soul.
But what I don't explain and what you cannot see
is the way it breathes in and out of the margin lines
for you, from me.
Every word has a meaning, every lyric has a tune
this is the life I've been living solely for you.
I've been writing papers, I've been taking exams
just to show you how great I am.
And while this life I live is appealing to you,
I find myself in a dark corner seeking the truest truth.
The truth in which I cannot explain
is the same one that you put to shame.
I live this truth everyday
but only in a dream is where it stays.
This is why I suffer, THIS is why I cry...
I'll never be good enough under my father's microscope eye.