Congratulations,* I whisper,
feeling myself sink in my chair
further down, hoping nobody will notice.
My heart is pounding,
pumping the terrors
that run through my veins.
I don't necessarily understand,
though I know **** well
what's ahead of me.
Good Luck, is whispered back,
answering my acclaim.
*You'll need it.

I had to write this in case I die
And they go through my accounts, find my poems
I had to make sure they know that, despite what they read

I could never **** myself

I loved you all too much, I had too many plans
It's just that, I really wanted to sometimes, you know?
I saw too much reality in life
I saw all the endless ways I could die and it scared me

And I'm sorry Mom, that I never told you any of this
It's funny that, in your own way, you knew how this was going to play out
You were always afraid I'd be like Dad, never asking for help when I needed it the most
But I was going to, I swear
I was going to fix this, as soon as I went away to school
I just couldn't have you know this side of me
I loved you too much for that

And to the people who did know this side of me
I'm sorry too
For the moment when they first break the news that
"Rachel's dead"
And you think I really did **** myself and that you couldn't save me
The taste of relief bittersweet on your tongue when they tell you how it really happened

Just know that I wanted to make the world a better place
I never thought I was enough to do that, but I was trying
Every day, I got up and stuck a smile on my face
Even when I was hurting so badly that I wanted to **** myself
I WAS STILL TRYING

So please, all I ask is
Don't console yourself by thinking I'm in a better place
Every day, no matter how much it hurt, I chose life.

And so, on the off chance that I die tomorrow, or the next day or the next, I just had to get this out there.

My choice was always life.
It was always all of you.

With all my love and the final beatings of my heart,
Rachel

I've forgotten how to write
the words
they used to flow onto my paper
one by one, they'd complete my work
full emerson into the world of poetry
no distractions
no drawbacks
just the purity, the innocence
of poetry

Stay calm my dear child
It's going to be okay
I can promise you here
so please don't go astray

You are here for a reason,
you are strong and courageous  
I never give up on
things that last ages

Panic no more
For I send out my love
Let peace lay on you
like the light on a dove

I am with you always
I've always told you that
Don't you ever forget
what I laid out flat.

The sparrow has turned into a hawk.
I will not apologize for learning how to fly,
but I will apologize for falling in the garden,
trampling over the orchids as I took flight.
How is the sparrow supposed to fly,
knowing she tore the orchids to shreds?

As I move around my room in the dark,
I hold my hands over my mouth.
I always do.
*So you won't hear me cry.

If I asked, would you let me die?