Out of habit I said I was fine
but no one is fine in the dark
speaking to voices
screaming to ghosts
crying to puddles of tears.

No one is fine in the light
with only themselves in sight.

We lie awake
at afterparty hours
with fragile hearts
that scream silently,
violently,
why do we feel alone?

Why do we feel alone
with so many of us here?
We carry a torch
in its fire our feelings flicker.
We pass it around
breathing the ember in.
We inhale the flames
And exhale dark ashes.

Each breath keeps it ignited
as we share this light inside us.
We feel it's familiar warmth
when we pass each other by.
It bonds and it heals us;
all walks of our lives together.

We lie awake
at any fragile hour
with open hearts
that scream loudly,
proudly,
we are not alone.

I was always lost.
I think I may be found, now
or at least I know you're out there
looking for me.
I'm someone to look for now.

I exist in fragments
scattered over years and moments
of love, of joy, of pain.

In fragments held by people;
I hope they need them someday
if only a brief remembrance.

In fragments lodged in places
where I've been or have wished to be,
where I loved, I laughed, I cried.

In fragments in your heart
that I broke myself for.
Those fragments I may not find again.

I exist in fragments
broken but knowing
that maybe we all need a fragment of me.

A head ringing
under a moonlight blinding
with a sun waiting
for its call to peek.

Waiting for the resting in rubble,
the grieving in gallows
and the ones too gone
to end tonight but alone.

The curtains of the night
sweep them away
leaving them stray in a thought
that how many times must the night
take all but my life and leave me to rot.

Where did my life go?
I asked as I watched the sunrise
from eyes in my bleeding head,
as I knew not where I was
but more where I'd been.

I didn't know the truck stop bench
that I awoke a bleeding mess on
with only a dry whisky tongue
to whisper what the ****.

I didnt know the cracks in my phone
came likely from a crackhead's home
where I reached the top of the ski hill
only to tumble down
with no boots on.

I didn't know my deep head wound
came while I came unglued
as I fought for a life I guess I knew
would come to this
because this is how I've been.

Where did my life go?
I feel it safe and waiting for me.
Only I can reach it,
it answers just to me.

Now, words feel irrelevant.
False hopes are losing to reality.

"She walks the niiight"
Sorry Dallas I didn't get the memo,
17 days were not enough to love her.
Even a year went by without me knowing,
not feeling what I used to feel,
what I know I could feel.

I don't know if I can ever feel it again.
Maybe I'll find out
In 17 days.

In the last night I lie awake
I won't question my life’s wake
I'll leave my heart's garden a few less weeds to rake.
I'll try to plant a few flowers,
Replace ones that died in my dark hours,
Sprinkle some seed and grow a few trees
Amidst the fresh wet grass dancing in early April’s breeze.

I hope the scene is serene providing shade from the sun
For my son.
I told that man he could have the world
He may not be in this world but I feel like he’ll be my world

Lately in my world I’ve been a bit otherworldly
On the moon pondering, are these thoughts just coming too early?
What if I have so many years still in me to live,
Filled with so much good will still left in me to give?

My prodigal son could come to fruition
Or a daughter, too smart, scholarships to axe the tuition
Someone a vivid image of all I wanted to be
A recurring dream of what my younger self said I would be.
It feels like I blacked out for several years without shame
I parted ways with so many people I couldn’t list names
And raised by certain people that I’d place claims
Of abandonment treating my childhood like a game
Or a waged war between battling armies
I swear to god my offspring would never feel this raceless apartheid
That it felt like sometimes, nothing seemed to be worse
Than growing up stuck wondering if your gifts are a curse.

I wish someday I either guide myself or my child
Into the warm light brought upon by hope and a smile
Cast upon them by my potential and graceful reconcile...

I’m one with my actions; past, present and future
Knowing regret is simply just a useless venture
So all I can do is be good for now and teach to be better later
While I try to shun the demons of my past that cater



What I insisted I would be—its never in doubt.
Either make a difference myself or bestow it on someone else
So they could end my journey if I fail,
Conduct my train of thoughts, turn them to actions that I derailed.

I’m stuck in accepted limbo unsure of what I can accomplish
Leo DiCaprio incepted spinning a thimble in anguish
To see if someday I’ll dive through a clouded finish line
Million feet up with my thoughts of how it worked out in due time


If I see or create the beautiful soul that I wanted to be
If I’ve given all I can to someone else to be a better me
There’s nothing left for me to give, nothing more you can take
In the last night I lie awake.

Today was a bad day
Maybe one of my worst
And the cause should be insignificant
In the grand scheme of my life
I know I've been better before
I'll be better later
But right now it hurts
Because today was a bad day
and I don't know when I'll be better

I'm addicted to a life
of wondering
hoping
dreaming
guessing
...and missing.

I'm trying to quit
and get hooked on living.

It felt like I wore an armoured vest.
I was guarded from my sins
even if I didn't believe in sin.
The mind's power knows no bounds
in it's ability to forget
and it's hope to be forgiven.
It justified every action,
every tasteless thought
and every lustful litany
of divine misdemeanor.

I felt invincible, then I met you,
and I learned you could hurt me.
Your defiance did pierce me,
a flame headed arrow
through my chain mail chest.
My love just mere cloth
that you slashed quickly through.

The stronger the pain
came the greater intrigue.
Why were you so rageful
and in protest of my admiration?
You may have hurt me,
but you are more broken than me.
Perhaps you were just what I needed.
A selfless deed as a soul to be saved.
Someone to be cared for
as I've ignored many before.
Someone to love with no love back,
someone to give joy while I cry.
If you ride off into the sunset
while I still lay wounded,
you will have left me moral gold
to forge my armour back.

I just want to be
significant.
In a month or two, to you,
relevant.
In three months would you be
hesitant?
Four months since the first message
ever sent.
Five months isn't much but still
I've went
Onto a six month journey I'm so
hellbent.
Seven months your seven wonders ever elegant.
Eight months I've ate the words I wish I never meant.
Nine months naive that I thought you were heavensent
and onto ten I've given up like an early Lent.
Eleven maybe easier
when the dent
in my heart is healing but I hoped
in a year I'd be more significant.

I fall down
I get back up

My body breaks
I repair

I fill with toxins
I wash them away

I bleed green paper
I earn it back

I lose friends
I find some again

I come with a lifetime warranty
Broken heart not included

I'll hold on in my sleep
I'll hold on when I'm awake
journey etched in many grains of sand
and I can't forget it because
you cast a tornado to blitz my window
as if I understood your symbolism
of little grains of sand that you told me
each one is more than its appearance
as its apparent you're at peace with this desert climate
while you told me it's best to dig deeper
because there's so much I'll never
comprehend like each piece of you is a grain of sand
So I'll hold on in my sleep
I'll hold on when I'm awake
because I'll never let your little grain of sand drift away.

I think I see your face in the stars
A little butterfly flutters within me
I try to draw you; tonight's my canvas
I'm nearly finished when I stop near your lips
and I notice something impure
What I thought to be a star looks merely a satellite
As I've been mistaken I ponder
What did I see?
Was it really even you?
Why did I think that I saw you?
Why did I want to see you?
Why did I ever want to see you?
What did I see?

Each flower, each tree,
each beautiful child of nature
needs the amorous glow of the Sun.
It's a soothing mother's touch
of our forever evolving lives.
It's our survival--
and our surrender to euphoria.

But alas, the Sun is not always present.
Sinking swiftly into Sahara quicksand
or wherever else it's dearly departed.
Many beings of nature may simply wonder,
Why?
It gives no explanation.
It may be in the depths of the ocean
caressing an unknown being of sea.
It may be at rest,
given all it had to muster.

But it always comes back.
All walks of life, they simply just,
Know.
It rises so simply serene from the sea,
arms wide open to embrace us again.
Its divinity drives another day of our lives,
until it leaves us again.
But it always comes back.

We've learned to cope, to live without the Sun.
Each step we take with caution.
The moon bears resemblance--
a symbol of hope, a bridge to our Sun.
It tells us, just,
Wait.
With its soul searching portraits
it casts upon a jet black ocean.
We've learned to wait, to live without the Sun.
But it always comes back.

Love may go,
but it always comes back.

I live vicariously through myself.
I live inside a life I made for me.

I live a life of promise and hope
where I fall in love with life.
I breathe in my struggles
and exhale my success.

I realize shortly after
that reality is imminent.
I'm burdened by my failures
with a bandage on my mistakes.

I live my life in the moment
so imperfectly real.

Home for me is darkness
where I can't see but only think.
Reality paints a picture
with frailed brushes and dried ink.
I have a rich eye
for the most beautiful art
so I've done away with scribbles
and the editing part.

I'm scared of ink running free
and bleeding into a depiction of me.
I even struggle with the pristine version of me
that's crafted by my discretion
yet I see it and ask questions.

Why am I painted in shades
of grey, black and blue?
I hope to see my life unfold
but regret it as I rue
the persistance I put upon wondering
instead of going forth and wandering.

I'm left in my life to discover
instead of have it uncovered.
I need no brush or a pen,
just a heart and a new life to begin.

Madness could engulf me--
its flame to my poisoned heart.
I hope a sliver of sanity
will keep us forever apart.

I'm six feet under again
Without a hint of oxygen
A sad song serenades you as I swell up
Into a near death scare
That wakes me up--another nightmare
Another night where I'm lost
And my thoughts are crossed
Between logical and feasible
As I stretch the truth as far as you'll believe it
Because I think that you'll believe me
Believe that I'll be better this time
Baby I swear this time is my last time
Because if I fail again then i'm just like my nightmares
That reign over me and keep me from breathing
As they drown me six feet under
Six feet for every sense that I committed to you
And I admitted to you
That I'm not perfect and I don't wanna swim tonight
So go ahead and and drown me
Six feet under.

Life half-fulfilled on a front porch
Watching a garden of good greens
But missing one little piece.

A little seed to grow into a pretty scene,
A little you and all the things I'd ever need.

Gave you a quick smile, said it could be awhile
Until I gather all the fixtures that fit me.
I won't deny a chance for chivalry
By making sure your sense of comfort is with me

This patch in my garden is weeding wild.
I'll still push on for the maintenance meanwhile.
I know the best in life is worth waiting for
I know there's four seasons in life we're waiting for.

Walking around the town,
Said it could be awhile
And it's killin me.
The locals know the garden just misses a piece
One that heals just a moment of me.

I hold your love
so closely on this jagged cliff,
balancing, somehow, you give me strength.
We have mere inches of safety
but years of love and lust to live for.

I look down and see darkness imminent
but look at you and see my life unlimited.

I ran against the wretched wind
With whimpering empty breathing
That couldnt push my lungs to go on.

I let myself die there
So i could carry on this creation.
It's dark lifeless lore--yet to me it lived.

It held no expectation
And burdened no hope.
Just boundlessly free and naive.

It lusted hard and loved.
Years have past and it's living within me,
a makeshift memoir to a self I could be.
I'm building the strength to cast it away
And fight through the wind with my new improved me.

My life made its home
in my heart.
It flickers
a burning ember
with nothing to save
...but my heart
that always burns
with why and where
we could be.
I feel comfort some days
...but my heart
trusts only myself
in this life in my home
where you were not
and didn't want to be.

My home is my heart
and my life is my