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Achick Aug 2020
Expressing myself on paper is what I do best
I feel you’ve silenced me
You stolen my voice
Tucked away in your selfish ways
You liked it better when I was always quiet
You always talk over me
My words always had to compete with yours
Your words get louder and louder
my words turned into whispers
My feelings you ignored
Overlooked and unheard
You push them aside
Left on the curb like yesterday’s trash
Is this how you think a friendship works?
You never heard a word I said
You ignored every whisper
Now all that’s left is silence
I’m tired of whispering to make you feel better
You say I was pushy
I call it giving you a better direction
You say you’re  miserable but you do nothing to solve it
I gave you a map
Wrote down the directions
Handed you a compass to find your way
But you like where you are
It doesn’t matter what you say
This person used to be my friend. She was toxic to me, I tried to help her. I wanted to be there for her. But she won the battle. I give up the war in trying to piece her together. I’m done.
Achick Apr 2021
There are soft kisses
Hand kisses
Forehead kisses
Playful kisses
Goodbye kisses
And hello kisses
You spoil me with so many kisses
You have given me
Passionate kisses
Loving kisses
Good morning kisses
Good night just as we are about to go to bed kisses
When we were apart, you always gave me air kisses
But there was this one kiss
I never felt before
This particular kiss
Gave me a vision
That kiss made my heart leap through mountains
when it returned to my body
It made sense
Your hands were in your pockets
You looked just as shy as me
The vision I had, could it be?
A glimpse into the future?
This would be the only kiss you haven’t given me...
This is what it feels like to be in love.
Achick Jul 2020
For those who’ve wrong me
This Shout out is for all of you
For anyone who has invaded my mind, peace, and tranquility
This is for you
This is shout out goes out to all those that had violated me
With hatred, anger, and jealousy
This is exactly for you
People can be so cruel
I forgive you.
I forgive all of you
Every single one of you
I forgive you
I forgive you for the anger and hostility you bestowed upon me
I forgive you for all the harassment and social media stalking
I forgive you for violating me
I forgive you for the hatred you showed me
I forgive you because I know your hurting too
I hope one day this reaches all of you
I have no idea what the future holds
I have no control over your thoughts and actions towards me
I can tell you with all certainty I’ll always forgive you
From this moment on I’ll always extend my hand in peace for all you
From this moment on
You can no longer hurt me in anyway
You will no longer take my peace away
My peace is for mine to hold
You will no longer steal it in anyway, shape, or form
I hope one day you’ll reach the peace you deserve
I hope one day you’ll be happy enough to let go of all that ills you
I wish for you true peace of mind, body, and soul.
I forgive to better myself. To find my peace.
Achick Apr 2021
I had an ex-boyfriend ask me once
Why I don’t write poetry about him.
He wanted to read something about himself
Through my words

I told him as I was leaving him
Nothing inspired me.
Achick Jul 2020
Fool me once shame on you
Don’t you dare think I’ll let you fool me twice?
Okay, that was the last time
But you won’t fool me for a third time!
Now I feel dumb
The universe chimes in playing a song
Oops!! I did it again!!
Perfect
Now the universe has jokes
Alright mighty adversary,
You won’t fool me again
I swear that was the last time!
My head held low in shame
******* YOU JACK IN THE BOX!
I’m done playing this game
Stupid jack in the box
Gets me every time
I just wanted to write something funny
Achick Jun 2020
The back of my head slammed into the wall.
My body slides down the wall in a daze.
I snapped back when I felt hands around my neck.
Grasp getting tighter.
His eyes growing black.
Body is frozen.
Mind is racing.
Martial arts techniques cycle through my mind.
Ways I can over power you.
My only reality is I have to **** you, consume you, and then become you.
I let you decide my fate.
I stared into your evil grinning face.
You loosen your grip, when you decided I had enough.
You stood over me like you won.
I didn't even cry.
I was ready to die.
Coward.
Achick Jul 2020
There’s a memory I’m scared to unlock
It’s buried away
If you want to find it
You’ll have to travel in my abyss of shattered innocence
In this deep void
You’ll have to dive deeper than Davy Jones‘ locker to find it
You’ll have to carry a torch, a shovel and somewhere in there you’ll find the key to unlock it
I’ve hidden this memory deep in despair
I never wanted anyone to find it
This journey comes with extreme warnings and phantom hauntings
You won’t be the same once you find it
This memory will twist you and leave you broken
This journey will shatter your soul into a million pieces on a cold kitchen floor
This journey will violate you
This journey will take everything you have and more
In this journey whatever innocence you have will be taken by the hands of someone you trusted
This journey will leave you wishing you died on that floor
This journey is in the mindset of a 13 year old girl
She didn’t know any better
She was left alone with her friends boyfriend
He had left her empty and ashamed on that cold kitchen floor
All he said to her “if you don’t, I’ll tell her you wanted it and she’ll beat you until you’re in the hospital”
She couldn’t say no
She didn’t want it
She was scared and alone
Then he left her crying on that cold black and white kitchen floor
Achick Jul 2020
Dear diary,
I spoke of what happened the other day.
I told a friend of mine that I think I was *****
Oh my gawd diary!
You’ll never guess what happens next!
She went and told our entire class!
But wait diary before you judge me too
Just be patient and please let me continue
I was approached today by at least 5 girls who I used to call my friends
They called me all kinds of names
Then they cornered me into the bathroom
Then started to beat my ***
It didn’t last very long diary
I think I’m alright
I think it’s safe to say that was going to be the only time
You know diary
I don’t know why she didn’t tell the whole story
But I think she feels guilty
I hope everyone forgets about this
I would hate to be targeted my entire time in high school
I would hate to have to switch classrooms because those girls won’t leave me alone
I would hate to have threats on my life every day at school
I would hate to feel like I didn’t deserve any better
Don’t worry diary she’s supposed to be my friend
I don’t think she would ever abandoned me after all the mess she’s made
I sure tomorrow diary everything would be okay
Achick Jul 2020
Exploring my darkness
Deep in my darkest corners
All the memories I’ve locked away
All the sadness I’ve endured
It’s so painful visiting every memory
I haven’t thought of them for so long
I wish they never happened
The darkness is scary and so full of emotions
All the memories I have locked away
Things I tried to forget every. single. day.
These memories are fragile and need to be treated with the upmost care
I’m afraid each time I unlock them
I’m afraid I will shatter and crumble
With each memory I uncover
I know, I’m one step closer
I’ll find myself, my hurting inner child
I’ll embrace myself and tell her it’s all over
I won’t need to hide any longer
One day
This will all be over
Achick Jul 2020
I don’t like to be touched
That’s the vibe I’ll give off
But deep down inside I want to be touched
I want to be embraced each time I see someone
I’ll prepare myself and tell myself
This time you’re gonna try
I’ll build myself up
But I never commit to the climb
All my friends know I hate to give hugs
I’m never the first one to initiate the hug
Even though I want to
I desperately need to
I’ll hide this intimate secret craving
I’m worried that I’ll make it awkward
That I’ll hold on too tight
Or even worse
That I’ll let you hold a piece of my heart
Which I hold so tight inside my chest
I hate to give anyone the power to hurt me
I truly hate it
It’s the worse feeling
To trust someone with something so fragile to me
It’s my most precious gift
I refuse to share it with just anyone
But these are my walls I built
Walls covered in barbed wire and roses
The walls are so pretty to me
They kept me safe
They are my insecurities
I don’t want my walls to come down crumbling
I need to build a door
A door will keep my rose covered barbed wired walls to remain standing
A door can provide me an escape from my secret garden of memories
A door will allow me to showcase my secret garden
Achick Jul 2020
******* moon
******* sun
******* day
******* stars
I want all of you to go away
******* happiness
******* sadness
******* too rage
I want all of it to just go away
Leave me alone toxic thoughts
I don’t have the patience for that **** today
I’m tired of healing
I’m so sick of being under construction
Cant I just be normal already?
Is that so hard?
Why can’t someone tell me it’s all done
I just want to be a peace already
Everyday the same old thing
Heal, heal, heal
Feel, feel, feel
I’m so tired of yoga
I can’t stand the thought of mediation
I want to eat all the food in my fridge
But I don’t want to deal with consequences
I feel myself spiraling
Repeating the vicious cycle
I know I’m not cured
I know I still like to runaway
I still hate dealing with my emotions
I probably should leave this on a happy note
But that would contradict how I feel
******* too emotions
Achick May 2021
Haunting
Your face never leaves me
I see about a thousand girls a week
All different faces
But yours doesn’t leave me
I saw you in the waiting room
That purple spotted shiner on your face
Instantly I knew you
Or I thought I did
I recognized your movements
How you positioned your gorgeous long black curly hair to one side to hide it
I thought I’ve been in your shoes
I desperately wanted a moment to talk to you
I wanted to ask if you were okay
I wanted to help you
I went on with my day
I saw you in recovery
You looked anxious
You wanted so desperately to leave
Then you saw me open the door to go out for a smoke and just like a bird in cage
You spread your wings and flew out the door before me
You ran to a truck
And they drove away
You forgot your jacket and when I grabbed it to bring it to you the truck was gone
Vanished
Just as I turned around you came back
Rolled down the window
There were a bunch of guys in the truck
You were laughing and the smell of drugs came out
I realized you didn’t want my help
You think you don’t need it
I had to let you go
I have to let go of care I wanted to give to you
I hope I don’t have to see you on the corner
Achick Jul 2020
I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a frI AMagile woman.I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman.I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to acSTRONGERt like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant.I am compliant.I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant.THAN AI am compliant. I am compliant.I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I kFORCEnow my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you.OF NATUREI am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you.
Expectations of my past life. Inside my expectations I found my courage to survive.
I couldn't get it the exact way i saw it in my mind, but I'm okay with how this turned out. couldn't get the volcano effect i wanted. Thats why i changed the title to hidden messages
Achick Jul 2020
I’ve found a new love
A love to carry on
A love that will never leave me
A love in its purest form
A love sweeter than anything you’ve tasted
Sweeter than candy given to a baby for the first time
My eyes light up in wonder
Pupils dilate with excitement
My mind journeys far and wide
Searching and seeking for the perfect words to write
My body is waiting in anticipation to hear the scribble of the pen on ****** paper
The same feeling as any solider feels when waiting to attack
The same intense emotions
feeling every one build up until it explodes
All my senses and all my emotions
Explodes like grenades in war
Shrapnel piercing paper like bodies
Silence follows
I read every word
Uncovering the mystery of what I just wrote
Reading how my own mind skips around
Shining light onto the darkness
Loving the beauty in every word
My mind doesn’t always make sense
I love seeing how my mind works on ****** paper
Achick Jun 2020
I can be what ever I want to be.
I have goals and dreams.
Don’t tell me what I can be.
If you don’t think I can be whatever I want to be.
Just say it to my face.
But don’t get too close.
I’ll introduce my fist to your face.
If you still don’t believe me.
just stand back and watch.
I have goals and dreams as high as the sky.
That’s where you’ll see me fly by.
Achick Jul 2020
Why do my best ideas come during the middle of night?
I just wanted to sleep
I took a shower
Laid back down but my mind still wonders
Why do my best ideas come during the middle of the night?
I put on deep sleep sounds with dark backgrounds to drown out the sound of my own mind.
But to no prevail I’m tossing and turning
Resisting the constant drumming
Now it’s hammering
It’s even bothering my cat
Before he gets up in frustration
I toss again
He lets out a grumpy meow
Translated into “**** this **** I’m out”
Why do my best ideas come at night?
I just want to sleep
I took some melatonin
Yet, it did nothing
Before you conclude this to ptsd and anxiety
I assure you as soon as I’m finished with this
In a few seconds I’ll be fine
My eyes are getting heavy
I think it’s about that time
Time to turn this in
Good night
Achick Jul 2020
Can you imagine the confusion
When you’re told to runaway from your father?
I was so confused
Why?
He’s my father
I remember for about week
My school routine was really different
I used to take the bus home from school
But instead I had to wait for my uncle
Recess was even different
I didn’t understand
I couldn’t go outside and play with all my friends
I was told if I saw my dad I had to run away as fast as I can
But I don’t know why
It didn’t make sense
Every time I would reply
But he’s my dad
I didn’t realize my life was in danger
Until years later
My mother told me about it when I asked her
He was suicidal and wanted to take me with him
It’s interesting now, When I think about it
All the times before when he didn’t take me with him
But only in death
I was good enough to be with him
Another interesting fact about this memory.
I have an older brother he’s a year older than me. I don’t why it was only me.
Achick May 2021
Silence
I’m trying find the words to say
I’m trying to figure out the words to write
I need to say something
I feel it in my chest
It’s a pressure that’s weighing me down
It’s a rag in my mouth
Silencing me
Something is bothering me
Something is making me uneasy
Something is affecting me
Something is changing me
Is it for the better?
I don’t know yet
Growth happens when your uncomfortable
Is that why I’m so anxious?
Is that why my mind is racing
Is that why I’m shaking
Something triggered me
I’m thinking back through my routine
I went to work
I was listening to loud music
Ahhh
Now I remember
The protesters triggered me
Looking at each one of their faces as they called me a murderer
Lined up one by one
Condemning me to hell
Screaming blood is on my hands
I work at a women’s clinic
I’m helping women
I’m helping
Right?
Achick Jul 2020
I love The Beach Boys
I grew up in California
It’s like a part of your identity
When you’re a Californian
I love surfer girl and wouldn’t it be nice
They’re my favorite songs
But there is one song I hate to hear
It brings up a sadness and will bring me to tears
Kokomo
Everyone loves that song
It’s pretty much the first song you think of when you think about beach boys songs
It’s funny because the painful memory went in tuned to the song
I remember picking you up from the docks
Your ship just came into dock
After a long 6 months apart
The air was salty but I loved the smell
That meant you were coming home
Oh how I still love that smell
I remember you getting in the car
The radio was on
You and mom started arguing
So she turned up the radio
Kokomo was on
I used to love the song
I remember Kermit the frog singing the song
I listened to the melody and lyrics trying to ignore your screaming
That’s when I knew
You were leaving
I wished at that moment I was at Kokomo
That’s where you wanna go to get away from it all
Down in Kokomo
Achick Jul 2020
Time heals all wounds
What an interesting saying
In my experience
Time only left scars
I think there is an error with this theory
I have an idea
If you give me a red pen
I can correct that error
I would subtract a word
Add a different word
Then multiply the equation to power of 4
The number 4 where did that come from?
There are 4 words in this theory
Then write it out
Make sure you show your work
-time
+ love
X4
————
Love heals all wounds
Here I am at 1:30am
Achick Sep 2020
Displayed in a glass shelf for everyone to see
Tattoos marble my body
Stretch marks show my aging process
The salt from tears tenderize my body to perfection
You don’t think of my mind
Or wonder how smart I could be
You want to sample my meat for tenderness
Feel how soft my ample body is
Feel my breast and wonder how many days you could feed off me
To you
All that I am
All that I could be
is nothing more
Than just meat
I wanted nothing more than escape from everyone’s thoughts tonight
Achick Jul 2020
I don’t give a **** about my reputation
Everyones hates me without any hesitation
A girl can handle so much, so why should I care anymore
I don’t give a **** about my bad reputation
Oh no
Not me
I DONT A GIVE A **** ABOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
I MIGHT AS WELL STEAL ALL YOUR BOYFRIENDS
THATS THE LABEL THAT YOU GAVE ME
I MIGHT AS WELL LIVE UP TO
ALL YOUR EXPECTATIONS
I DONT A GIVE A **** ABOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
I smiled like the sun, kisses for everyone
And tales, it never fails
because real story won’t do the trick, youre gonna make up something quick
YOURE GONNA BURN BURN BURN BURN burn to the wick.
You made me the barra barracuuuda
Yeah
I’m a heartbreaker
Dream taker
Love taker
Love don’t you mess around me
Don’t you forget
All of you created me
I’m the right kind of sinner
To take him under and unleash my inner fantasy
I’m the invincible winner
That I was born to be
I’m a heartbreaker
Dream breaker
Love breaker
Don’t you mess around with me
Joan jet and the black hearts
Bad reputation
Heart
Barracuda
Pat Benatar
Heartbreaker

My love of music was born during these times. These songs empowered me. After years of being labeled, hated, and I couldn’t shake it. So I decided when I was 16 to say **** it I’m going to embrace it.
I took every boyfriend of all the girls that tortured me. I used them to take what was precious to them. I know I wasn’t right but at the time it didn’t matter. I was going to hurt them worse than they hurt me.
Achick Sep 2020
Why do I feel triggered
Why do I feel so sad today
It’s my birthday
Happy birthday to me I guess
I think it’s hard for me to be happy on my birthday
I have the urge to treat it like any other day
Thirteen birthdays are just a blur
I remember the ones before you
Also the ones after you
But I don’t remember the ones in the blur
I think that’s what happens when you’re treated as nothing special
I expect it
It would hurt so much more to finally see it different
Achick Apr 2022
I tried to save a kitten today.
I think he was hit by a car.
He was running in the intersection
Poor thing didn’t know where to go
As drivers barely swerve out of the way to save him
I put my car in park and ran to you.
I fought the birds off him
Then he laid down in the road
I picked him up cradled him in my hands
He was so tiny
I felt his rib cage
I don’t know if he gave up
Or sighed a breathe of relief that he was at least out of the road.
I wanted to save him
But there was so much blood from his head
I left him in the grass
Under the over pass
I wish I didn’t though
No one should ever have to die alone
I just hope for a second in his short life
I gave him all the love I could
And mourn for him
Achick Sep 2021
After opening the jar, all the undoing's of mankind. I witness anxiety bring fear to mankind. As anxiety flew away I heard the bellowing cries in the distance. The bellowing sobbing and horrifying gasp from mankind they tried to pick themselves up off the ground. In my *****, I felt pain. A sharp intense pain. Like Zeus himself reached into my ***** and squeezed my beating heart. My heart filled with so much sorrow. The sorrow flowed to my eyes, warm tears trickled down my cheeks.

Evil clawed its way to the top of the jar. Evil, such a terrifying and ugly creature. It leaped from my jar and into the sky like Pegasus when he sprang from Medusa’s empty neck. Evil was swift and full of purpose as it flew into the sky. Evil looked back at me. My jaws clenched and teeth grind together. My eyes watered from dryness. I hadn’t noticed I wasn't blinking. The burn in my eyes was nothing compared to the unimaginable evil that was unleashed onto mankind. I wanted to close the jar. I couldn't disobey Zeus. If I did, it would bring me a fate far worse than Prometheus. What can be worse? What could possibly be worse than a giant eagle eating me alive for eternity?

I tried to look away. I didn't want to see the last plague on mankind. A smell filled the air and twisted my stomach. A stench of rotting flesh and death. Disease oozed out of the jar next. I dropped the jar while desperately trying to close it. Falling to my knees, breath stolen from my lungs. Gagging and gasping for air. Dark black mist filling every crack and crevice. The dark dank mist slowly crept further away spreading and consuming the light in all living things. As the plants and trees withered away, a part of me also died. I wanted so much to embrace the arms of hades, I wanted to give my light in exchange for theirs. What have I done? This is why you created me Zeus, out of spite!

Just then, I heard the jar move, I watched the jar jump and fell over. Over and over again. Something is desperately trying to escape. I remembered Zeus told me to close the jar right after disease escaped. Pushing myself from the ground I reached out for my jar. I held it close as I pried open the jar. I tried with all of my might. Clawing and prying the lid wouldn’t budge. Ignoring the demands of Zeus. No punishment, nor torture can be worse then the feelings I just felt. I’ve unleashed doom to all of mankind. I will be for eternity the one who brought doom to mankind. I lifted the jar above my head, tears streaming down my face, a fierce rage burning inside me. I yelled at the sky. Do as you will! Do as you must! Rip me apart as you were the one who put me together. I am no puppet! You will not control my fate any longer! I threw the jar to the ground, shattering into pieces.

A tiny speck of light flutters before me. It’s shining light embraces my face and I cup it in my hands. Watching it flutter, the sky grew black. The clouds rumbled, the earth shuddered. A loud crack deafens my ears, the bright light in my hands shot into my chest and then up to the sky. Zeus appeared from the clouds. Pulling my body towards him in the sky. “Why did you disobey me? Have you learned nothing from Prometheus?” The anger in his voice shook my core. I watched my feet slowly turning into ashes. A white fire slowly engulfed my limbs. Zeus screamed “do you know what you had done!” I replied “Zeus I will suffer for mankind. I will not be their undoing any longer” Zeus replied in a smug mocking tone “as you wish ephemeral”.

Zeus watched as my body turned into ashes. Before the flames embraced my face. I realized that light was hope. I released hope from her captive state. Hope is free for all of mankind to have and to hold. I fixed my last gaze upon Zeus and with my dying breath. I whispered “I know what I did. I know what it is and what it can do. I hope all of mankind will too.”
I wrote this for my Greek Mythology class. This is my take on how hope was released to mankind.
Achick Jan 2021
Do you remember this
We were surrounded by all your friends
I remember the chattering of people in the background.
It was hard to hear everyone over the music and clinking of beer bottles
You were right next to me
I was talking to your friend
I heard you say you wanted a kiss.
In front of all your friends
I was caught off guard
I saw the look in your eyes
You knew, I was nervous
I knew you meant it
I think you liked how shy it made me
I felt your heartbeat race
then our lips embraced
The party disappeared
It was just us in that moment
This was a different kiss
It was passionate
Soft
Intoxicating
It stole my breath
Left me addicted
This kiss, you never gave to me again
Achick Jul 2020
I am the lady with a purple fingernail
I can be your safe haven if you want me too
I will fight your battle along side with you
If you’re  not ready to fight that’s okay too
I promise to encourage you
I promise I will never leave you
You can say anything to me
The good
The bad
The ugly
It doesn’t matter
I’m here for you
You don’t have to be beaten and bruised for me to encourage you
No matter what,  I’ll open my heart to you
I can be your pillar of strength
Or your silent ear
You don’t have to trust me right away
But I’ll always believe you
If you see me on your journey
Don’t be afraid to show me your true feelings
I will accept you for who you are
Scars and all
We can count them one by one
Or sit in silence and wait for your voice
I promise to be gentle and patient
I swear to you, I will always be in your corner
It’s a lonely and cold world out there
I swear, you don’t have to go through this alone.
This is my vow to you
If you need me I’ll always be here for you
No strings attached
Just me and you



I will fight for you
I would die for you
You may not know it
But I already love you
If you need me, I’m here just inbox me here or on facebook
Achick Apr 2021
There’s a metallic taste on my tongue
It’s weird and unknown
I have the past running through my thoughts
Visiting each time I was wronged
Like a scrap book I flip through the memories
Asking the lingering question
why
How
Why didn’t I see it coming
Behind the smiling faces and pleasant eyes
The intentions of those that want to hurt you
How can they live with that?
How are they able to forget that
Why can’t I be like that?
How can I trust the wrong people?
Why don’t they feel bad?
Achick Nov 2021
It’s funny how a song can trigger so many emotions
Happiness
Sadness
Grief
Anger
Rage
The therapeutic tones and lyrics can calm the soul or set your world on fire.
I’m listening to “killing in the name of”
My favorite part of the song
The build up of the last chorus
As he growls the words “******* I won’t do what you tell me”
It excites me and brings me to tears
I hate that I can’t listen to this around people
I’ll skip it or bellow the words when no one can hear me
It’s been 4 years
that rage hasn’t left my soul
All the sadness
Hurt
Rage
It’s still there
Most days I don’t feel like it is.
But when that song comes on
My oppression
My scars
Are still here
Achick Jun 2020
No one wants to hear about the aftermath of survivors of domestic abuse.
But Everyone loves to hear a good story. The story of how she had the courage to leave. Everyone wants to hear about all the horrors you had endured. The violations, the violence, the control. They want to hear everything in detail. They want to hear as so they can feel it themselves.

But what they don’t want to hear is the aftermath and healing. After you tell them your lifetime movie stories of the heroine that survived. They just want it to end there. Like you would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after, a fairy tale.

After you get away you move on to the next stage. This stage is remembrance and grief. No one wants to hear this. There’s no excitement. This is the stage where survivors again, are supposed to shut up and heal in silence. because if you don’t, then you’re seeking attention.

But what if I don’t want to shut up. What if I want to shout all my anger from the roof tops until my lungs are empty and my throat is on fire?

If you do, then the world will look at you as if you’re too aggressive. Like you’re not a true survivor.

The world thinks no survivor should be angry anymore. That survivors should just be grateful that our war is over. Is that how I should see it , as if I’ve won.

Oh please Society, tell me; what did I win?? What exactly is my ******* grand prize??  

Congratulations Alex you’ve won memories that stop you dead in your tracks, dreams of revenge against your abuser putting him through all the suffering you had to endure, You’ve won the feeling of being completely alone and not even being able to trust yourself.

So that’s it? my ******* grand  prize is PTSD. That’s what I should be thankful for.
**** that ****.

I can’t even tell anyone what exactly I’m going through because people will think I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I’m not.

I don’t feel sorry for myself at all.
I’m angry because I was controlled. I’m angry because I don’t fit the stereotype of a domestic abuse survivor. I’m angry because i can’t talk about it to anyone except my therapist. I’m angry that I have to look and act like I’m happy all the time. When actually that’s exhausting for me.

I’m angry at the fact that I’m angry all the time.
I’m angry that I’m looking at what I just wrote down and thinking to myself that’s a lie. When it’s not. I’m angry that I can’t be honest with myself.

I’m angry that I have to learn how to not be angry. I’m angry that I have to do all this and my abuser gets to do nothing but be his selfish pigheaded self.

I’m just angry.

It’s not like I plan to be angry all the time. Being this angry gets to be exhausting too.

I am noticing that therapy is helping. I’m not as angry all the time and things make more sense now.

But I’m still angry.

I’m trying to write down exactly what I feel in this moment and write down what is exactly going on in my head.

All things that I don’t get to say.

So what do I have to say?

What do I want to say?

I’m mad at world for not caring about survivors as much as they say they do.
I hate those stupid motivational memes on facebook like “god helps you be strong” or “Jesus walks with you through hard times” my *** he does. And those memes don’t mean ****.

And all those people that share awareness but do nothing more then click a like button or share a post ******* too. You’re just as bad. You don’t care about survivors.
I don’t see you down in the trenches helping those in need.

I didn’t see you, when I was going through the hardest time in my life.

And ******* too professor storyteller. All that ******* of I help survivors and my heart bleeds for them because my own mother was a survivor.

I tried opening up to you and you completely dodged me.

I had faith in you and you let me down.

I needed help.

But my emotions was too much for you handle.

You like how people see you as a knight in shining armor when there is crowd.
But when it came down to put up or shut up you completely ran away.

So you get the biggest middle ******* finger I could ever ******* hold.
If I had a billboard I post it for the world to see.

I hope I stay in your mind for all your days as the truth of who you really are.

You and I both know that you’re a beacon of light for all liars with false hopes.

You and that high horse you rode in on can go ******* into the sunset.

You should be exposed for every time you step foot into a domestic violence meeting or awareness event as the coward who ran away.

You should be seen with a scarlet letter.

You’re worse than my abuser.

You offered hope when you had none to give.

You lied to me and you should be held accountable for those lies and the false hope you spread.

Like I said the world doesn’t want to hear a word of our grieving and healing stage.

They only want the juicy details like gossip.
So who’s really the aggressor?
I feel like I should explain this rant. I wrote this back in January when I first started therapy. This is my second oldest piece. I was very angry. I’ve grown a lot through mindfulness and therapy. I just felt like I should share this with the world. Just so everyone can see that our battle is not over, even after we leave.
Achick Jul 2020
Hey dad
Do you have a minute?
I’d like to reminisce for a minute
Remember that one time
When we went to Disneyland
I think I was 6 years old
Do you remember?
When life was great and perfect
We were the perfect family
What happened?
Remember that one time
When you came home early
You were gone the entire school year
I know the submarines kept you busy
I remember a lady from the office handing out navy notebook folders
You didn’t walk into the classroom
But it didn’t matter I knew exactly where those folders came from
I asked if you were coming and the office lady told me no
That’s when I got up from my seat and ran as fast I could.
My teacher and the office Lady tried to hold me back
I broke from their grasp
I ran out the classroom as fast as my little legs could carry me
Nothing was stopping me
I saw you in the parking lot dressed in your navy blues
I didn’t look both ways
I just ran to you
Tears in my eyes screaming and pleading for you to take me with you
I remember you held me tight and eventually let go
Then Promised me you would be home
When I turned around I saw all the office ladies crying too.
Dad,
I don’t remember the rest of that day
Do you?
Achick Apr 2021
We spent two long years apart
I’ve dreamed every night of you coming back
I’ve cried myself to sleep listening to paramore’s “ all I wanted was you” for two years
The night we broke up
I left you a voicemail calling you a coward
I said I hated you
Even though I didn’t mean it
You blocked my number
You shattered my heart
I drove to your house
I screamed at you and you turned your back
I pushed you too hard
You pushed back
I threw your call sign at you and your ship tag
Told you I never wanted to think about you ever again
I just wanted you to admit it
I wanted you to tell me how you felt
Then we didn’t speak for one year
When you unblocked my number
I noticed you called me
I texted you
You didn’t reply
That broke my heart once again
Another year passed
You finally texted me back
It was Christmas
A very intoxicated me answered
“You came back! I never stopped loving you”
You liked what I texted you
Then you noticed my intoxicative state
You called me and we talked for hours
It was like we never said goodbye to each other
You told me for two years every time you heard  “under your scars” you thought of me
You missed me like I missed you every single day
In just three months my dreams came true
Now I get to wake up next to you
I can listen to love songs once more
I can retire paramore’s song
I’m inspired once more
You’re my muse
You’re my everything
I love you
Achick Apr 2021
My name means defender of mankind
My sign represents justice
Artemis is my champion
Protector of women
Who am I?
I am the defender of mankind
I protect those who cannot help themselves
I was a top candidate at a federal prison to  become a Correctional Officer
I turned it down because I was afraid.
Not of the job or the weight it carries
I wasn’t afraid of the danger of the walls or what lives inside them
On the contrary
That excited me
But that feeling
Gives me a chill to bone
I was afraid of the walls changing me
Bringing the worse out in me
I was going to be a part of a brotherhood
The thin grey line
I wasn’t afraid of the OC spray
I took that blow to the face just fine
I puked and choked along side of my brothers
But I noticed a change in me
A slight change
A part of me I’ve held on to for so long
A part of me the world hasn’t been able to take away
I noticed it starting to fade
I noticed it when I looked at the inmates
Us versus them
I was going to win at all cost
I didn’t want to fail my brothers
But that mentality I started to grow
It wasn’t me
I had to make a choice
I’m a defender of mankind
All of mankind
I found another way
To stay true to myself
I no longer represent the thin grey line
The law I embrace
I found another way to fight the wolves
I choose to protect the flock a different way
Not with fist, batons, and the OC spray
My words are my weapons of choice
I still fight the wolves
I’m no longer the sheepdog
I am
I will be
The shepherd
Achick Jul 2020
I’m a flight risk
You can consider me a villain
Locked up in a cage
Surrounded by guards
Video surveillance to capture every movement
I’ll stay with my cage because I’m content
But don’t get too comfortable
I can vanish at any given chance
Im a escape artist
A vanishing magician, if you will
I could be in front of you
Pulling tricks from my hat
I’ll make you smile and you’ll enjoy every second
But if you take your eyes off me
For even a second
With a wave of my wand
I’m gone the next second
I’ll leave no trails to follow
No clues to find
Good luck finding me
You can ask Sherlock Holmes to give it a try
My disappearing act is the greatest of all time
Welcome to my show
I won’t disappoint you
My disappearing act will definitely confuse you
I’m am the leader of my circus
My next act will be the greatest
With smoke screens of all pretty colors
It will leave you in awe
Are you ready for it?
Just say the magic words
Abracadabra
....
I’m trying to work on imagery
Achick Jun 2020
I hate being scared

I hate the feeling of when my legs shake and buckle underneath me

I hate how the fear grabs ahold of my mind like the high jacking of a plane crashing down from the sky.

I hate the paralysis that accompanies fear.
It’s like a train wreck in slow motion but you’re too scared to move.

It’s an invisible embrace that wraps all around you

What can you push away when fear doesn’t have a body?
No legs
No arms
Not even a head
How do you overcome an invisible entity?

Is there a ghostbuster out there?
Hello, ghostbusters?
I’m in need of exercising an invisible entity named fear.
But there’s no such thing as ghostbusters

but there is fear
It’s very real and everyone feels it.
I know, I do.
I can’t physically beat up fear.
So what do I do?
All my years of badass Muay Thai training does me no good.

I have to stop this fear
I no longer want to live in it.
I don’t want to feel it’s grasp any longer

I heard of a saying to grab the bull by the horns
I see the bull
I see the big horns
I’m gonna grab it
Here I go
1
2
3
Go!
Achick Feb 2022
I had a dream where I was climbing up a beautiful tree in the Forrest.
When I made it to the top
The view was so beautiful
Serene
Peaceful
A mist of tranquility swirling around the other trees
It was so quiet
Gray snow tipped mountains and dark emerald green trees peaking through the mist
Then I looked down
I wanted to get down as fast I could.
I was so scared to fall.
I made down from the tree
I paused at every branch calculating my next move.

I realize now the view is what Ive accomplished
The fall is my failure
My frighten state is how I feel now.
I’m driven to succeed and I’m terrified of failure
Achick Jun 2020
My goal is to trust
To trust him
To trust her
To trust the person next to me
To trust the world
To trust myself
Achick Jan 2023
If there was a purge
Don’t you dare forget I’m coming for you.
If there was ever a purge don’t underestimate me.
I’ll will come for you.
I will make you suffer.
I will torment you until the minute mark.
I will dismember you and leave you to rot.
I violate your body, as you violated mine.
I will destroy you mentally until you break like a wild horse to be tamed.
I will each second that passes by hurt you for every wrong made to our children.
I will make you relive their pain.
I will make you suffer for their tears.
I will make you regret it all.
You will wish that I would of killed you sooner.
You will wish I had a gun.
But you know I hate guns.
You know I will use my hands like you did to choke me and beat me.
I will show you the same treatment as you showed me.
Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Right?
Isn’t that the saying?
Isn’t that what we are told as children?
A value of morality and sense of kindness to others.
You seemed to miss that lesson over the years.
But I will not there to teach you morality.
I’ll be there to collect your debt.
I’ll be there to reap what you sow.
I am vengeance
I am Justice
And just so you know
I won’t leave until it’s justified.
Your life is mine to waste.
I will not treat it kindly as I once did before
If your soul was an object
I just want you to know
I will have no seconds thoughts to destroy and abuse it.
You created a monster Inside me
She kept me alive
Taught me to survive
If there was a purge
I will feed her
I will sacrifice you to tame me.
Night terrors ****
Achick Apr 2021
It’s funny I just realized something
I pour out all my heart for everyone on to see
However,
None of you know the slightest bit about me
You know my deepest fears
My scars
My desires
However, you don’t know what makes me
Me
Achick Jun 2020
I see you
Valkyrie
Lost and confused
The battle is over
But Where are you
I see you in the sky
Awaiting for your next battle
A war in pause
You seek to destroy
but what is left is a empty battle field
No threat Is here, but you.
Valkyrie
You were born from depths of fire and war
It’s all you know
But the war here is won
Put down your mighty sword
You have more battles to overcome
However, they are not the wars you’ve come to know
This war will lead you to doubt
The enemy bares a different threat
Leaving deep scars unknown
Mighty Valkyrie
Take off your armor
it will do you no good
It’s just a burden of weight
Your heavy armor will weigh you down and pull you into an abyss of dark nothings
Fierce Valkyrie
You need to be weightless
You need no sword
You need to trust your instincts more
In this battle you will be blind
You must know yourself to win
Achick Jun 2020
When you're brown you have to be the best brown, because non-browns always assume the browns are not good enough, or smart enough.
Being brown means that non-browns will always doubt your ability.
Being brown also means you cannot point out the stigma of being brown because non-browns will look at you as if you’re jaded. That your brown anger is out of place in this non-brown world.

Where non-browns give you backhanded compliments like “this brown is so well spoken” or “this brown is amazing because they’re graduating, I bet this brown is the first in their family to graduate”.

As the non-browns eat their tacos from Taco Bell and hold claims to be fluent in my Latin brown culture.
This brown doesn’t want your non-brown backhanded compliments.
This brown has something to say, I am brown cubed. I am the second generation from my Mexican brown roots.
I am educated. I come from a long line of educated, strong, proud Latina women brown.
And on the behalf of my proud, educated, strong lineage brown.
Non-brown.  
Such a well spoken non-brown.
Dedicated to my inspiration Jose Gonzalez
Achick Jul 2020
Who knew I had a voice
I didn’t know I had so much to say
The thing about poetry it never goes away
It feels like I’ve unlocked the gates
And my voice is spilling out
All my hurt
All my thoughts
All of my love
I didn’t know I had so much to say
I guess I’ve kept it locked away
I have a voice!
who knew

— The End —