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I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a frI AMagile woman.I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman.I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to acSTRONGERt like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant.I am compliant.I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant.THAN AI am compliant. I am compliant.I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I kFORCEnow my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you.OF NATUREI am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you.
Expectations of my past life. Inside my expectations I found my courage to survive.
I couldn't get it the exact way i saw it in my mind, but I'm okay with how this turned out. couldn't get the volcano effect i wanted. Thats why i changed the title to hidden messages
I don’t like to be touched
That’s the vibe I’ll give off
But deep down inside I want to be touched
I want to be embraced each time I see someone
I’ll prepare myself and tell myself
This time your gonna try
I’ll build myself up
But I never commit to the climb
All my friends know I hate to give hugs
I’m never the first one to initiate the hug
Even though I want to
I desperately need to
I’ll hide this intimate secret craving
I’m worried that I’ll make it awkward
That I’ll hold on too tight
Or even worse
That I’ll let you hold a piece of my heart
Which I hold so tight inside my chest
I hate to give anyone the power to hurt me
I truly hate it
It’s the worse feeling
To trust someone with something so fragile to me
It’s my most precious gift
I refuse to share it with just anyone
But these are my walls I built
Walls covered in barbed wire and roses
The walls are so pretty to me
They kept me safe
They are my insecurities
I don’t want my walls to come down crumbling
I need to build a door
A door will keep my rose covered barbed wired walls to remain standing
A door can provide me an escape from my secret garden of memories
A door will allow me to showcase my secret garden
Time heals all wounds
What an interesting saying
In my experience
Time only left scars
I think there is an error with theory
I have an idea
If you give me a red pen
I can correct that error
I would subtract a word
Add a different word
Then multiply the equation to power of 4
The number 4 where did that come from?
There are 4 words in this theory
Then write it out
Make sure you show your work
-time
+ love
X4
————
Love heals all wounds
Here I am at 1:30am
Can you imagine the confusion
When you’re told to runaway from your father?
I was so confused
Why?
He’s my father
I remember for about week
My school routine was really different
I used to take the bus home from school
But instead I had to wait for my uncle
Recess was even different
I didn’t understand
I couldn’t go outside and play with all my friends
I was told if I saw my dad I had to run away as fast as I can
But I don’t know why
It didn’t make sense
Every time I would reply
But he’s my dad
I didn’t realize my life was in danger
Until years later
My mother told me about it when I asked her
He was suicidal and wanted to take me with him
It’s interesting now, When I think about it
All the times before when he didn’t take me with him
But only in death
I was good enough to be with him
Another interesting fact about this memory.
I have an older brother he’s a year older than me. I don’t why it was only me.
Exploring my darkness
Deep in my darkest corners
All the memories I’ve locked away
All the sadness I’ve endured
It’s so painful visiting every memory
I haven’t thought of them for so long
I wish they never happened
The darkness is scary and so full of emotions
All the memories I have locked away
Things I tried to forget every. single. day.
These memories are fragile and need to be treated with the upmost care
I’m afraid each time I unlock them
I’m afraid I will shatter and crumble
With each memory I uncover
I know, I’m one step closer
I’ll find myself, my hurting inner child
I’ll embrace myself and tell her it’s all over
I won’t need to hide any longer
One day
This will all be over
You make me so mad sometimes
When you compare our kids
It’s Thunder dome inside the house
When you compare the kids

Another thing you do that makes me so angry
When you expect more than what is needed with my teenage kids

You know I hate being vulnerable and you know that it’s hard for me to speak up
Sometimes I feel your getting comfortable being on top
You won’t admit it but you treat your kids better
You complain when I make my kids do chores for a $80 video game buts it’s completely okay to buy a $1200 go-kart for your toddlers.

I hate when you compare my kids to yours
It’s not fair
You’re lucky that I’m able to hide your emotions from my kids
I have to learn how to love your kids
But you like when mine aren’t around.

As I’m writing this down
It’s starting to make sense
I think this is the beginning of our end

Don’t you dare think for one ******* second
I’ll stay just because of your kids.
I have a blended family. This doesn’t mean he treats my kids awful. But I need to get this out before I explode and leave. This is a part of my PTSD
I love The Beach Boys
I grew up in California
It’s like a part of your identity
When you’re a Californian
I love surfer girl and wouldn’t it be nice
They’re my favorite songs
But there is one song I hate to hear
It brings up a sadness and will bring me to tears
Kokomo
Everyone loves that song
It’s pretty much the first song you think of when you think about beach boys songs
It’s funny because the painful memory went in tuned to the song
I remember picking you up from the docks
Your ship just came into dock
After a long 6 months apart
The air was salty but I loved the smell
That meant you were coming home
Oh how I still love that smell
I remember you getting in the car
The radio was on
You and mom started arguing
So she turned up the radio
Kokomo was on
I used to love the song
I remember Kermit the frog singing the song
I listened to the melody and lyrics trying to ignore your screaming
That’s when I knew
You were leaving
I wished at that moment I was at Kokomo
That’s where you wanna go to get away from it all
Down in Kokomo
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