What if I'm unlovable?
Maybe I'm too much to handle
Maybe it's not that easy
to hold my hand
I'm not always positive
and I'm always lazy
I can spend hours doing nothing
I don't always have motivation
I don't take the garbage out on time
Sometimes I forget to turn off the lights
There are a lot of things
that get on my nerves
I can be mean when I'm angry
or hungry
I don't always think straight
when I'm frustrated
It's hard for me to control my tears
when I'm sad
I'll let me alarm ring for half an hour
and I'll stay up till 5am
I'm not the best with making first impressions
My humour is too sarcastic
Sometimes I downplay
how much I love people
I've never really been an affectionate person
yet I expect affection from others
Maybe I'm not lovable
Maybe I'm not enough
Not worth fighting for
It's not worth it to go through high waters
to win my forgiveness
My feelings are too much to take care of
It's easier to let me go
It's easier to turn around and walk away
It's easier not to love me
It's easier to forget me

What do you do
when what you want
Isn't what you deserve
It's like your heart is
clinging on to the edges
of the familiar
while your mind
replays all the times
you were hurt
right in front of your eyes
A constant battle unfolds
right beneath your skin
and you think it'd just be
easier to drown it all out
then to try to decide
which side you'll listen to
How could I ever choose
between sacrificing
my happiness vs.
my self worth
Who really loses
in the end

Why is it that
this present moment
is never enough
Who you are
Where you are
What you have
is never enough

It’s as if every day
we wake up saying
“If I could just be that,
If I could just go there,
If I could just have this,
then I’ll be happy”

Yet this allows us
to sabotage our ability
to feel content
in the present
To look around
and grovel in the beauty
of progress and growth
that gets us through
each passing day

It’s hard to not let the yearning
for an unknown future
overpower the appreciation
for today
But maybe if I open my eyes
a little wider
and open my mind
a little bigger
every day
I won’t always be waiting
to be happy

I'm stuck
in between this middle ground
of happiness and sadness
light and dark
good and bad
no matter which way I turn

With everything in my life
there is both satisfaction
and discontent
Keeping my heart
in a constant state of
restlessness

I find myself
watching the birds in the sky
flying in and out
of places they choose
The moon knowing exactly when
it's time for the sun to rise

And I'm here on the ground
keeping myself up at night
wondering if I'll ever be able to
grasp hope with both hands
instead of just one

There is no else in this world that I wish I had a better relationship with
and I don’t think I will ever get over
how you let things turn out
Finding new ways
to hurt me in the process

When I look back
I realize you decided our fate
when we were just kids
and I didn’t understand then
That you were someone
who allowed yourself to disrespect
the person you were expected to protect

I was never like you
and maybe that threatened you
but I cannot accept that
as a reason to make me feel anxious
to be in my home
scared of what’s to come
into a downward spiral of dysfunction and trauma

Now that I’m not under the same roof
sometimes I find myself
being able to appreciate our time
Try a little harder to connect
But you always find new ways
to sabotage our progress
and burn your bridges one by one

The thing is
you are not someone I can simply cut out
We are bonded by the strongest kind of human connection
We are lumped together in the eyes of family
You will always be a part of me in a way no one else will
and that’s why it hurts so much

I’m tired
and I just want a sister
Who sees me for me
Understands me for me
Respects me for me
and loves me for me