it’s been so long
3 years maybe
since i’ve loved you
craving his touch,
his breath on his lips
his fingers between mine.
and i realize, at most, that is a wish,
not a possibility.
i care too much about the wrong things,
i care too little about the wrong things.
the tingles in your nose,
the burning in your eyes,
right before you cry
the way i adore you but am not allowed to,
the way i want to be with you but can’t,
i understand you’re not ready and now i have to accept that, it’s so hard, life is so hard, i can’t take this anymore. i want to die, i’m obsessing over death currently
i remember when you stopped caring,
i was eight, naive, i needed somebody to care about me.
my dad wouldn’t do it and i thought you could.
i was so wrong. how could i be so wrong!?
you haven’t cared since. you pretend to care on birthdays and facebook but it’s all a facade. i guess i’m the only one that can see through it. i guess i’m the only one that’s seen the other side of you.
his playlist was by far my favorite,
now i can’t stand for it to be played,
i guess what i’m saying is savor it,
before you get betrayed
you called me pretty,
but only when i was on my knees.
you said i was gorgeous,
but only when we were talking about birds & bees
you named me as a goddess,
but never when i was fully dressed.
i guess all you really wanted was ***.
i wish i could stop caring, for my sake.
i wish i could stop hoping, for yours.
i wish i could fix you, and make you mine, all mine.
that'll never happen, i'm just dreaming.
at a party and nobody noticed i was gone
and then they wonder why my face is so long
i’m so tired of being this way
being ignored by everybody every day
i feel so left it and want to cry
this is making me want to die
“hey! are you okay?”
this is a conversation i have at least eight times a day,
“oh, i’m fine. just a little tired”
as if what i said could get any dryer.
as i lay awake with my eyes open, i realize that i don’t love him. at most, i love how he makes me feel. he’s just another person to me, unimportant. he’s just another face, insignificant. he’s just another lie, eating away at my unhealthy conscience.
i’m too much,
too much to handle,
and yet simultaneously,
i’m not enough
what is life? an obstacle? a game?
i believe that life is pointless. no hope here.
life is the repetition of the chaos and calm. no faith here.
life seems to always be a carbon-copy of the day before. i’m telling you, it’s always the s a m e. think about how many fights you’ve live through, and how many apologies. after nearly every fight there’s an apology. it’s routine. predictable. uniform.
life is hopeless, as i am. life is what you make it i suppose. for now, life is hopeless.
as i lay awake with my eyes open, i notice that i don’t love him, at most i love how he makes me feel. nothing more.
the cost of getting over you
is my life
your smile was so sweet,
you laugh like a dream,
until i realized
it was just you & me.
i wonder if they realize that i haven’t felt this way in so long.
i wonder if they realize that i only have a soft spot for them.
maybe they do, they probably don’t realize.
they realize, they just don’t feel the same
it’s not right but i have to accept it. it’s not true but i must accept the lies. i can’t change them.
burden others is all i do,
and occasionally i get used.
i’m so tired of feeling this way,
i just need to be okay.
my heart aches for those around me,
i know they all wish i were gone.
happy is all i want to be,
well i wish life weren’t so long
sometimes i just say your name over and over to hear it again.
sometimes i like to mention you in conversations with my friends
just to think of you.
god i miss you
i miss you more than anything and anyone, i feel like we just have a very special connection.
im tired of longing for you,
tired of repeating your name
it’s clear that i’m not good enough
so why, tell me
do i even try?
i lash out at anyone deserving,
i love way too hard,
this illness is so unnerving,
and i feel like i’m breaking into shards,
i know i can’t handle this,
i know i won’t last much longer,
i’ll stay as long as i can if time permits,
i’ll try to make it farther.
— The End —