Spring, March:
I am the happiest I have ever been
There are no birds where I live but I swear I hear them in the morning
I do not put on any masks today
My smiles are the curves my muscles have formed themselves

My senses are greeted by the smell of the earth after its affair with the rain
The fragrance of freshly cut grass and flowers newly welcomed into this world enter my soul
And for some reason, it feels like it decided to root itself inside me and call it home

I am growing a garden inside of me
And I know I’ve said this last year,
But I can feel it in my soul,
This is gonna be my year

Summer, July:
It’s been a while since I’ve truly felt the sun embrace me in a million kisses
Don’t get me wrong,
It never failed to greet me in the morning
But today, today was different
It arose to wake me up for my destiny
As if waiting expectantly and surely for the moment I am to shine brighter than itself
And for some reason, I feel it too

The heat does not bother me
The sweat on my forehead assures me that I am doing hard work

Fall, October:
It’s a bit chillier than expected
I can feel a light breeze enter my spine
The same way I would when entering a haunted house in a theme park
Or the moments I’d get a text saying “we should talk”
It feels like something bad is about to happen
But my mom always told me never to worry about the what ifs that could possibly never happen

Winter, December:
My feet have sank into the inches thick of snow
I swear I am trying my hardest but I just can’t seem to lift them up to move faster
Or move any step forward at all

I look back and all I see is snow
I have forgotten where I came from as well as where I am heading
Wait, no, I remember
Wait, no, let me get my feet out of this snow first
Wait, what

Winter, January:
I am freezing
And I am cold
I am still stuck
I am still waiting
But now, I’m lost

I haven’t moved in so long that I have forgotten the smell of flowers in March and how it felt when the sun showered me with kisses in July
Or maybe it was all just a dream

Maybe I was meant for only here

Winter, February:
But no
I remind myself that winter only comes and stays for three months
Every month after is not just a dream
It is all reality
And I am only tasting the cold
But maybe experiencing the crisp winter air is what I needed to appreciate the fragrant ones that is up ahead

Darling,
The seasons will come and the seasons will change
But who you are and what you’re capable of was never dependent on the breeze that filled the earth
You may have forgotten where you’ve come from
Or maybe even doubting where you are to go
Your feet may be stuck
But remember that the ice is bound to melt in a month or so

You are a warrior in training
So don’t give up before the real fight
Learn to make snowangels
And enjoy the rest
Sip some hot coco and bundle up

There is a reason for every season
And you might not see it yet
But hope that is seen is not hope at all
Every season has its purpose
But seasons do not define you

Remember that God is control
The same God that filled your lungs with the aromas of daisies in April
And allowed the sun to embrace you in June
Is the same God who is with you in the winter
And you might feel like He’s far away
But honey, He’s just preparing your flowers for March
Do not settle for single stemmed half bloomed roses
When your Father is preparing you an entire garden

The waiting may make you restless
But sometimes rest is what we need

So hold your head up and get ready for the thawing
Do not let three months define what happens in a year
Remember, there are four seasons that come annually
Do you not remember what comes after the cold?

Spring, March:
The ice have all melted
And I can see the roads again

Dear self,
March will always come

This one’s for us who were never chosen—or at least forgot how that felt like
Who tried to their best to get anyone to say “yes, I’ll stay”, “yes, I’ll fight”, “yes, I choose you”
Even if it’s just for today
Or even if it’s just for a minute
I’ll take it
Because I have been craving to be someone’s exception for so long
I have transformed my house into a rehabilitation center for broken people
Who eventually tried to break me too
And now I come home to this hollow space in between my ribs
Because they drained every last drop of love I could possibly give
The funny thing is that I thought they’d fill it with theirs
But I guess they believed that we live in a world where it’s such a rare commodity that all you should ever do is take
And so I learned a lesson, and I let my heart run on temporary “I love you’s” which I take from anyone who passes by regardless of intention
And I am always deceived into thinking that maybe this one would stay
That maybe I could make this one stay
So we make up a million justifications for their doing the bare minimum which they say is their best
We magnify affection with uncertain motivations only to disregard the latter qualification
And so we’re surprised when all their words return empty
And all they leave are stained sheets and apologies
Which are really just code for broken hearts and tired lungs
Because we’ve been running a race for two which was said to be just for you

This one’s for us who have forgotten but have been chosen by the One who matters most
Who says, “Beloved, I have chosen you 2,000 years ago and I’d do it again.
I’d choose you and I still am choosing you over and over
Through your faults and your pride
And your hundred “I’ll try’s”
I know that tomorrow you’ll betray me after saying sorry tonight,
And so I’ll take as many lashes as the times you’d turn your back
You might not be the best but you are worth the fight.”
And so He stretched and raised His hands so we could raise ours a little higher
So we don’t have to guess what the standard of love is because He displayed it using His hands as paper
He didn’t just choose you once but did so a hundred million times
And for every single moment we forget
We can look down on our palms and see how whole they still are
Feel the smoothness of your back and see the absence of scars that should’ve reminded us of our wrongs
So no matter how loud the noise gets,
Take a moment to hear His voice in the silence which reminds
That you can stop giving a piece of yourself to those who are just passing by
The love He gives is not one of barter but a gift wrapped in the very cloth He was buried in
The stained sheets He will make new
The apologies you will never hear again because every word He utters shall meet you full
Beloved, we have always been an exception
His favorite creation
The ones who no matter how far, He pursued
Who ran for two in the race designed only for you
So this one’s for us—the one’s who were given the best so we never have to settle

When he leaves, there will be a lump in your throat
His footsteps will be louder than it’s supposed to be

You will watch him walk away and you will want to run after him and try to make it work
But don’t
His prints will leave marks like how it would on an ocean kissed shore
You will cry, or maybe not, but you will be able to think of nothing else but the fact that it ended
The entire two years you’ve spent together will flash before your tightly shut eyes and you will beg to fall asleep but couldn’t
Like that time you drank 3 cups of coffee, 2 kopikos, and 1 booster C
Your body will refuse to shut down, you will feel your heart beat towards its death, and you will wait in pain because there is nothing else you can do
You will wake up, look in the mirror and see every single thing that is supposedly wrong with you
Call your friends up, invite them over
Melt into their arms, cry and eat at the same time, do not be afraid to look broken, because you are
Even birds break their wings, it’s okay to not fly for a while

After a few days, weeks, months, you will pat yourself at the back and say you’ve moved on
Your lips will learn how to curve itself upward again and you will make the corniest of jokes
A song will play and the tape that plastered your world back together will surrender to the weight of your heart
Your eyes will shimmer but this time not from the light within
But from the fluorescent lamps that bounced from your tear glossed eyes that is trying its best to just get through the night
Life will teach you a new lesson and it is that moving on isn’t linear
It is not like going through school, where every grade you surpass advances you to the next
There will be days that you will regress
Days where you will stalk him on Facebook and see if he’s doing any better
And it will seem like he is and that will break you more
You will doubt if your love was ever real, if you were ever good enough, and if yes, why couldn’t it just be you?

If he calls,
Say hi
Do not tell him when you’re not okay
He is not home anymore
Do not tell him you miss him
Like it was a rewind button for life
It is not

You will look for affirmation everywhere, anywhere really
But like all wounds, it will heal
It will leave a mark and you will put fences up
Make sure to pound them in real deep
Not to isolate yourself from the world, but to keep the weak out
Plant flowers around it and take a walk regularly
You are not a prisoner of your past
Feel the pain and ask it how it is
Don’t ever wish for the same love
But love harder
Because sometimes, people don’t know how to
Show them

Let’s cut to the chase this is a piece about how he left
I sat down and told myself I should start with retellings of scenes you’d see in movies
But I’m not like him
I refuse to captivate you with flowery words only to realize they’ve wilted from the moment they bent out of my lips
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I wish he was like the others
Those who sat me down and told me it was over
Or sent me a text saying “We need to talk”
But no, he, he took his time leaving
Like he would always do every time he’d walk me home
He’d stop on sidewalks and point out the smallest things that would mystify him
Just so I’d forget he’d be leaving in the end

He left while holding my hand
His grip just enough to not let go but not tight enough to want to keep
Like receipts you’d hold on to while looking for a place to throw it in

He left with ok’s
Do you want to eat? Ok.
Let’s visit a museum today! – Ok.
Whatever. Goodnight. Just leave. – Ok.
I hate you – Ok.
I love you – Ok.
He said it too much, I’ve forgotten how his voice sounded saying anything else

He left with “You don’t understand”
Which was funny because he never really tried to let me
Like how my dad would tell me to go inside my room because “grown ups” had to talk

He left with silence and eyes that never met mine

He left a long time ago
With his body right next to mine
His fingers touching the veins that ran at the back of my hand
He left a long time ago
No one just wanted to say it out loud
Because no one ever wants to be the villain of the story

So, I, I let go
I pushed him out the door because someone had to do it
He’d been standing right in front of it for so long, like a student waiting to be given a hall pass I guess that’s what Catholic school taught him,
To never leave without asking permission

So, here it is
Love,
I have always tried to keep you
But let’s face it, you always wanted to leave
You just didn’t want it to be your fault
So, I’ll let it be mine
You can go tell your friends about your heartbreak now

Love is pausing movies to explain what's happening
It is retelling all 7 episodes of Star Wars without hesitation
Love is following you around after a fight at 10 in the evening to make sure you're safe
It is a smug face that says "Sorry, babe. I guess you're stuck with me."
Love is uncomfortable sacrifices you won't take back
It is looking when they're unaware and thinking to yourself "It's all worth it."
Love is fighting over the aux cord but letting the other one win anyway
It is hugs from the back that don't really help you walk any better but makes you feel safer than you've ever been
Love is saying sorry even when it hurts your pride
It is knowing that pride, in the first place, means nothing
It has no place in love
Love is saying "We'll be okay" even after all the words thrown like darts is aimed at a spot named you and never misses
It is having faith
It is knowing with complete certainty, that love is not just a word that when not said means an absence
That through the tears and the pain, it is like flowers that will certainly bloom
It is the sun covered by gloomy clouds
It will clear
And it will shine brighter than ever
I hope you stay long enough to see it do