the curl of your wing drew
me in with the muddy tips
and gilded shafts, no contrast
against a parchment yellow sky

your skin a creamy sand that shone
with the heat of the sun and oceans below
oceans filled with galaxies, for the sky is
ever day and the sea is ever night

you visited me barefoot on paver stone
white clouds of dust between my toes
i could feel you with me always and yet
nary a word was spoken to soothe me

you cradled my head in your hands and
held me close as i sobbed over all i missed
and you pointed to the sky and assured
that the galaxies there were kinder than the sea

as you pulled the copper from your neck
and placed it around mine, i felt the sting of
stardust on my collarbone. it left a scar the size
of my future and you frowned.

the earth below shook.
i felt it in my teeth.

i learned it before the subtlety of time meant me to

i don’t know who it was
who planted the seed
but i was a baby
acting like i was grown

in a world of forced skin
you were the catalyst
the cure for the summer heat
much to the chagrin of the other counselors

if you google “how to spot
grooming behavior” it was
you to a tee but i don’t think
you knew how bad it was

and neither did i, till i
applied your tactics a hundred
times. it made me the devil
the charred tongue of death

and i broke so many people
to dust before i knew what
dust was- i am only now
realizing that i thought love

was the tightening of grip
forced respect from older
boys who thought God was
a scam (you were the scam

who followed me home
weeknights and tagged
along on dates, you
disgusting ****, you should

have known better) at age
thirteen sometimes respect is
ignored when you get it from
high school boys (sometimes

he pops up again asking me
how i‘ve been and i don’t talk
because how do you tell them that
you had to start again from where

they ****** you over?)

Y O U

will consume me
from the inside and
swear it's for the best when i
start feeling the attack

Y O
U

want me dead.
i'm sure of it, i know my cells (and or)
you and your patterns and
the funny way you fill my face with

w
a
t
e
r

Y
OU

make me want to not die
just to spite the hell out of you
even if you leave me wheezing
and shaking in my bed (low low low)

Y      O       U

are doctors appointments without
the lollipop, the fear and longing for
sleep, the way i cannot breathe
when you are active (lack of empathy)

yOU
YoU
yOu
YOu

make me suffer
suffer make me
me suffer make
make suffer me
suffer me make
me make suffer

beep boop
i'm tired of tubes and needles
and pills

i look like a ******* ******

the envy of water is truer than i
ever imagined it being. i can look
through you, i can see the charade
you are playing every moment

i reminded you i existed under
you, that i needed air and room
to breathe in the starlight of his
voice and the thickness of the sky

and i see you push me away, repress
me further into oblivion until i cannot
see the light for which i yearn, the
dampness of a tomb is all which reaches

this far down. and i know that to you-
and for you- at least this time, i am small
and insignificant. you are afraid of me and
the voice i possess and the cracks in your shield.

you can't put me away for much longer.
not unless you want to wonder why i
am around every corner shaking you until
you are afraid to move, why i cannot stop

thumping on your chest until the hurricane
on your tongue hushes itself and dissolves
into a perpetual calm, or why the mildness
of winter can't invoke a reaction anymore.

you colored me a funny shade
of aquamarine

but you faded me out until
i was more infinity than ivory.

there is so much i'm afraid to ask you.

i want to know what it means
when it feels like a knife's blade
is trailing down your back whenever
anyone says ma'am or miss
but it doesn't carve into your flesh
the way you'd assume it might

i want to understand why i want
to carve and shape my chest
but don't mind if my curves stay
if it means i could wear a corset
and compress the rest of my body

i want to know why i am afraid to tell you
even though you're my best friend
and i know that you understand
and i know that you're here for me
but i'm afraid you will think
i am making it up as i go, like this
hasn't been long enough

but i have known something was wrong
for over a year

i didn't talk to you much then
even though i knew you for years

but i couldn't figure out why i was scared
why i am scared
why i have been scared of myself
and my body
and my mind
and i don't know where i am or what i'm doing
but i'm scared if i tell you now

it will be too late.

i know you know.

i don't have to tell you anything

but at the same time i know
that if i don't, you won't mold your words
around my mind, you won't plant
the flowers of change in your collar

and it's not because you wouldn't,

it's because i haven't given you a name for it.

one is a name you said reminded you of carnations

two is a name you told me existed

three is a name that even i am afraid to utter
because i don't feel right taking it from you
even if i tick all of the boxes perfectly.

it is a name i am not familiar with yet.

it is a name that would steal my parents' daughter
away from them

and it would not grant them a son either.

i want to talk about it so badly
but my lips won't form the words
and everyone around me has already
begun assimilating their language
without my telling them

i wish you would ask me what is wrong.

and i wish you would choose
'them'
for me.

i told him i could drive him home
after his safety was threatened
by the enter key.

he graciously thanked me
and curled into himself
the whole way home.

that evening, i asked him
if i had made the wrong choice
by smiling at him before school

all he said was no,
and that he appreciated my help
but that he was numb

today he asked me if i could
drive him home from school
next week

the quiver of his spacebar
was apparent to me even
without the barrier of speech,

his hesitance before
he touched the enter key
solidified the situation.

the enter key has hurt him
more than it has saved him
and i'll be honest with you

he is afraid to touch more
than just a key on the keyboard
he told me on the drive home

that he doesn't know affection
from inflection, that he recoils
at a handshake or hug

and honestly i don't blame him.
there are so many kinds of neglect
that even i can't name them all

but for someone who has been
left hanging in the dirt while the others
dance around them in circles

to simply accept how the world works
is absurd and unlikely. all of us
have our damages and we have all

been hurt by a touch.

so at the touch of an enter key
i tell him she lied to him
and he is, in fact, wonderful.

please, my love.
i can see the tension from behind
the screen and it's not towards
me but it's coming from you
because of the way her words
freeze into daggers

please, don't let her touch you.
she will only drive you further
into the depths of your mind where
the sun cannot find you and
i'm not sure if you'll ever come back

please, let me help you.
there isn't much i can do but when
i see the letters change from small to
large i can tell that's what your thoughts
are doing too and it scares me

please, force her to see you.
you are your own person with your own
thoughts and dreams and she is trying
to take that away from you so she can
keep it to herself as if you were a doll
or the answer to her problems

please, we are all concerned about you
i know it's getting worse and i know
your pride is too strong but when
the sky falls even superman would need
some help from his friends

she does not own you.
she wants to use you for herself
and even if you tell her no she
will cry and beg and blame
because she doesn't care that you
are stronger than she thinks

she thinks you are hers.

you do not belong to anyone.

please,

remember i am here beside you.
i cannot fix you or anyone or her
ego but really all of us are here

please,

be careful my love.