Eight years without you,
Bed so cold without you here,
Please come back to me.

I don't know why I,
Even think to try,
And find someone new,
When my heart just,
Keeps coming back to you.

I know now,
That it is finally time,
To move on.

May I lay my life to fate,
For golden curls on a girl,
Named Kate.

Accidents happen,
Injuries arise,
May I staunch your wound,
As I stare into your eyes?

How did this happen,
Punishment gone awry.
Mayhaps my luck,
May have risen high.

How do I approach this,
To try and gain,
Your heart and your smile,
While I stave off my pain.

Perhaps she'll enfold me,
And I'll find my way,
Into her heart,
Where I may just stay.

There were old pictures,
In a box with my effects,
From a time just before,
Society made me pay my debts.

I was gone for years,
Haunted by dreams of your lips,
And the memory of,
These felonious hands upon your hips.

Oh I never thought that,
The ***** pictures you sent,
Could bring back a heart,
So broken and bent.

Flaming hair from a bottle,
Your soul from the same,
But in the end can I really,
Be the only one to blame?

I don't know if I lost you,
Or if I loved you before,
But my heart beats in wonder,
If your heart still needs more.

I found Heaven,
From first I kissed her lips,
But I lost myself,
In a needle and a bag.

A little pill drove the pain away,
And a bag brought me false paradise,
And these four walls held me tightly,
As I sweat it all out inside.

And steel bars and concrete walls,
Kept me away from you,
When the ****** finally,
Left my veins.

Now it's been four months,
And I've held Heaven in my arms again,
But I can't yet call her mine,
Though I haunt her dreams at night.

And it'll be four more months,
Before I might fall asleep with her by my side,
And repeatedly I dream of memories,
That make me want to run, to hide.

I know not,
The word defeat,
Though I comfortably use,
The term tactical retreat.

I know it sounds awfully proud,
Of me to say I rarely lose,
But know I mean only,
In terms I care to use.

I've lost games of chance,
Or sports at play,
But know of the things I care for,
I'll never see a defeated day.

Few things on earth keep my attention,
And fewer still do I hold close,
But darling know if love is truly a game,
I surely will not lose.

For when it comes to you,
I know not the word defeat.
And I certainly will never employ,
A tactical retreat.

The soft sounds of a piano,
Echoes faintly in my ears,
The keys hitting notes of melancholy,
As they speak of my greatest fears.

As the melody ignites my heart,
And sends shivers down my spine,
I'm reminded of those days,
When you were just mine.

And though it's certainly complicated,
And there's surely still a spark,
I wish for nothing more,
Than to hold your beating heart.

Please tell me girl,
Do you still dream of us too?
For now I listen only to sad songs,
That remind me of you.

If I die tonight,
Know you're the last,
Thing on my mind.

As the sound of twisting metal,
And busted glass rains down,
Know I thought of you,
As I began to drown.

Through the fear and pain,
Amongst fleeting memories,
I remembered your touch,
As blood floods my lungs.

My vision begins to swim,
The darkness looms quickly in,
Through the tears streaming down my face,
You're the last thought in my brain.

I fear I've lost my wits tonight,
Left for dead on the dining room floor.
Perhaps the moonlight calls my name,
While she promises more and more.

Of all the things I could've feared,
How did it end up this?
Terrified of a girl with lilted voice,
And a silken touch and kiss.

How could my weakness become,
Someone so very vulnerable,
When I put in place measures,
To stop me from hunting for her.

I know not if this is love,
Though it certainly was before,
Yet there is a budding brilliance in,
The concept of me and her.

They said I couldn't fix you,
And I kept silent,
But when they said I couldn't save you,
I made up my mind,
Knowing that I would die trying.

Your breath shook as you looked at me,
With hooded bedroom eyes,
And I can honestly say that in that moment,
I found my heart beating to the rhythm of your words.

You asked me why I love you,
And a million and one reasons came to mind,
But what I really wanted to say was that no one,
Will ever look at me the way you do,
And no one will ever calm the pain I feel in my soul,
Quite the same way you do.

She is the whiskey in my drink,
That keeps me warm on winter nights,
That first cigarette I smoke,
After a long night asleep.

She is that first breath,
After a deep dive,
That first kiss,
On summer nights.

She's my glance up at the stars,
The reason I still dream,
My prayer to God in heaven,
My sole reason for being.

She's my belief in something more,
Thanks just me and this life,
My reason for breathing,
My greatest delight.

She is all of this and so much more,
She's her own wonderful girl.
She's everything I ever needed,
And she's so, so much more.

I lust for your body when,
I lie alone late at night,
My mouth salivates at the thought,
Of your heavy taste.

I cannot say enough,
How hungry the symmetry of your hips,
Make me feel,
Or how beautiful you really are.

I nearly cried that night,
You told me you had died.
I mourned for a world,
That could have never known your presence again.

I must say that I would have surely,
Been driven by insatiable hunger,
And a darkness that would fill me inside,
To follow you into the great unknown.

For a world without my dearest,
Is a place I surely cannot be,
Nor would I find myself able,
To even find the strength to breathe.

Tell me all the thoughts you have,
When you can't fall asleep at night,
Could you tell me that you love me,
That everything will be alright?

I'd Love to hear what you dream of,
When you're too drunk to stay awake,
Do you dream of your hands in mine,
Or of goodnight kisses when we've both stayed up too late?

Let me hear your whispers,
In the darkness of your room,
Let me crawl into your bed,
And make your blankets our tomb.

Let me hold you through your nightmares,
Let me kiss away your fears.
Let me love you through the good and bad,
Let me just make you mine my dear.

Her voice was breathless as she said,
I don't know what you want of me.
And I held her in the moonlight,
As I whispered, please just let us be.

I know that I can live without you,
But without you I'd be a wreck,
If I had to live without you baby,
I'd be miserable at best.

I know my lungs would stop the air I breathe,
And my heart would lose its lust for blood,
My mind would be filled with torrid thoughts,
I'd most certainly be quickly lost.

Please don't go,
Promise you'll stay,
Because I won't live without you,
For much longer than a day.

I don't want to go back to old habits,
Or bring new ones to bear,
I just want to love you,
And have you always be here.

She smelled of lilacs,
And summer rain,
Of freedom of youth,
Of love and pain.

He looked as if she,
Were the sun, the moon and stars,
As though the universe spun,
Only around her.

She danced as though life,
Could end at any moment,
And kissed as though,
He was the air entering her lungs.

But she was the air he breathed,
The blood flowing through his veins,
And her laughter was the rhythm,
That set his heart to beat.

The beating of your heart,
Became my anthem long before,
The rhythmic rush of blood in my ears,
Dulled the sound.

I don't believe in the saying,
If you love them let them go,
I'm going to sink my teeth in,
To the hollow of your throat.

I cannot live with the darkness,
That permeates everything around me,
When I cannot call you mine,
This time around.

But darling, I'm so afraid of happiness,
I'm terrified that you'll leave,
It seems I know only how to be miserable,
But you've always been what I need.

I could never let you go now,
I could never let you leave,
Now that I've found my taste girl,
You're exactly what I need.

I'll be your alpha and omega,
The beginning to a beautiful end,
If you'll just stay here with me,
My most intimate friend.

I'll crawl into your body,
Settle deep within your bones,
You'll need an autopsy,
To dredge me from my new home.

They'll all tell stories,
Of the kind of love we have,
If you'll just stay with me girl,
We could forget our ****** past.

Even though it's been hours,
I still taste you on my lips,
I feel your warmth lingering,
On my finger tips.

Might I say your gasping breath,
And moans of sweet relief,
Felt like clutching fingers,
As your ecstasy was reached.

Now we danced around the subject,
Of where we might go,
Though if I'm being honest,
We both surely know.

And even though you want,
To take it very slow,
I know I quicken your pulse,
As I tug at your clothes.

For all the years we spent together,
I'm surprised how much we each,
Dance around the phrase,
I love you.

It's as though we play a game,
Where the first to fall back,
In love loses,
But I lost a long time ago.

I've let you lead the way,
And make your moves,
Before I plan out mine,
This time around.

I've let you do all the talking,
And tell me all the things you've done,
Before I tell you,
Stories of my own.  

You keep apologizing profusely,
And I keep dreaming of you.
As I wait for the next time,
We dance around I love yous.

I fought so hard for that first kiss,
That I was nearly frozen when,
I found you wanted more,
Than just my lips.

Oh, love, I forgot how it felt,
To run my hands alone your skin,
Or how alluring you can be,
When your breath comes in gasps.

I had your hair wrapped in my fingers,
And my teeth at the hollow of your throat.
You had your hands locked on my face,
While our hearts beat in rhythm.

I never imagined our reunion,
Would be in the seat of your car,
Or that you'd stop me,
Before I got too far.

You told me there needs to be a reason,
That I'll want you again,
But darling you couldn't imagine,
How sorely I want in.

My God girl you had me talking,
For fifteen odd hours,
About anything and everything,
Well into the night.

That's an hour for each month I was away,
Fifteen hours to catch up,
On all the things I wanted,
To say to you.

I didn't get it all out,
I know you wouldn't let me say,
I still love you,
But it was surely implied.

I know you fought sleep all night,
To tell me in jaded words,
That I'm still bouncing around,
In your ribcage.

I know there's still a spark,
Even after so long apart,
And that you feel the need to be held,
As you drift off to sleep.

I promise I can fight off all your demons,
With my warm embrace,
And maybe a kiss or two,
If only you'll let me try.

I know you implied that someone,
You surely need by your side,
To fight the darkness once again,
Will always be me.

And I know I said I'm sorry,
About a thousand ******* times,
But I'll say it another,
Thousand ******* times.

When last we said goodnight,
I drifted off to fitful sleep,
Sorely missing our conversation,
And dreaming of you all night.

Baby it's so cold,
And I just hope you're warm.
When the snow falls just know,
I'm not alright.

I say I'm fine and no,
I don't want to talk about it.
Can this cigarette just,
Flood cancer through my cells.

I'm living a waking nightmare,
And I can't seem to wake.
I pray to God. Please,
My soul is yours to take.

Take these memories from me,
Throw them way out to sea.
Kiss my lips and let me sleep,
For all eternity.

I won't be calling,
I swear I won't write.
I promise I'm falling,
Into eternal sleep tonight.

Whisper your lies in my ear,
Tell me you love me on last time.
Hold me tightly and promise,
You'll always be mine.

Your velvet words fill my dreams,
With a longing of your touch.
Your words ring circles in my ears,
Now I love you far too much.

My mouth waters when I think of you,
My tongue is blanketed with the taste of mud.
I bite my lip to **** the taste,
And coat my mouth in blood.

Couldn't we just leave things the way they were,
I just want you coursing through my veins,
But no one understands My ******* thirst,
For such enlightening pains.

I pray to God,
That if I died right now,
The devil wouldn't find me,
Until I'm on holy ground.

I pray I'd pass,
Through those pearly gates,
Before they realize,
They made a horrid mistake.

I hope they won't,
Smell all of my sin on me,
That there's an error in the books,
And they just let me be.

Maybe I'd see your face,
And hold you for a while,
Before they learn that,
I am the worst of liars.

Maybe I'll have a few moments,
Where we are one again,
Before I face an eternity,
Of pain and suffering.

Still my beating heart this time,
Stop my breath before I speak.
My eyes are growing heavy,
My knees have gone weak.

Close your fist around my throat,
Cease the flow of blood to my brain.
Your presence drove me crazy,
But your absence made me insane.

I cannot sleep in the dark of night,
Whenever I rest my weary head.
My mind stays fixated on,
Those last words that she said.

Someone please send me a prayer,
That it will all end tonight.
I pray to god for a car crash,
That may bring darkness to the light.

That last shot,
Of whiskey,
Filled my tongue,
With the taste of you.

I stopped drinking,
Long before the thought,
Of suicide,
Filled my head.

I stopped drinking,
When images of us,
Started to creep,
Into my veins.

Darling can't you tell,
I haven't slept too well,
Since last I held,
My beautiful girl.

I'd sell my very soul,
To call you mine again.
It's been so long since I've cried,
But I'm not sure I can hold back next time.

I stopped drinking,
When the whiskey began,
To taste like you,
And the *** began to taste the same.

I deleted all our photographs,
Left nothing in my wake,
But as I clicked delete all,
I swear I thought that I would break.

Five short years,
Gone in the blink of an eye,
I swear I'd sell my soul,
To never have had to say goodbye.

I miss your kiss,
And your touch,
I miss hearing I love you,
Far too much.

I wish I could find a needle,
To replace the void you left in me,
But they'd cart me away again,
And I'd be left so empty.

I wish there could be a little ******,
To ease the pain of our demise,
I wish I could hold you softly,
As I whisper my goodbyes.

Would it be a sin,
If I used just a little too much?
Could I enter Heaven,
If I **** myself tonight?

We could sit around,
Like any Friday night,
Making empty promises,
Of staying around this time.

But I stopped drinking,
When the scotch started,
To taste like you.

But you were so seductive,
When you touched your lip to mine,
And asked me if I wanted,
One more drink before the war.

So I started drinking,
And I tasted you on my skin,
While you held me tightly,
And slowly let me in.

I bounced around your rib cage,
And you held tightly to my heart.
I must have said the wrong things,
Because soon you were gone.

I should have stopped drinking,
Long before the scotch,
Began to taste like you.

But you were so insistent,
And you know I can't deny,
Any of your pleasures,
On any Friday night.

The only words I hear,
Before I drift off to sleep,
In your whispered voice,
I love you.

The only comfort I feel,
As I rise with the sun,
The feeling of your arms,
Around me.

The only thing I taste,
Before I leave the house,
Smothers my tongue,
With your kiss.

The only memories I have,
Are filled with good old times.
Now I'm lost in this thing called life,
With you not by my side.

I watched the sun rise,
Without you.
I fell asleep,
In an empty bed.

Holy Father forgive me,
For I am soon to sin.
I close my eyes,
And let the darkness in.

My demons speak in whispers,
They hunger for so much blood.
They chatter along softly,
Whispering words I never understood.

They sit upon my shoulders,
Now there's no angel there.
They speak in dark parables,
And whisper darkness in my ear.

I found his bedroom door shut,
And quickly made my way in,
My demons led the way out,
Mere moments after my most mortal sin.

His blood feeds my demons,
And covers me from head to toe.
I feel the darkness closing in on me,
Closing in so slow.

Holy Father forgive my sins,
And cleanse this darkened soul,
For I may never enter the gates of Heaven,
With these blood soaked clothes.

Can I stay in this moment,
Forever frozen in time,
Lost in the fantasy,
That you're still mine.

I'm sorry my darling,
I'm trying so hard not to cry,
As your arms wrap around me,
In the freezing cold night.

My fingers are grasping,
At the jacket on your back.
Your body is warm as you press into me,
And I whisper those words, oh I am so sorry.

We part after a moment,
And the seconds are gone,
Oh how I wish I could stay in your embrace,
Right where I belong.

Father, how do I begin,
To detail my life of sin.
How do I express my sorrow,
For atrocities I've committed.

I've stolen from my loved ones,
And took away her heart,
I've committed sins most grievous,
And I don't know where to start.

I was deeply entrenched in adultery,
With a powerful chemical love,
And I doubt a few hail Marys,
Will bring me forgiveness from above.

Perhaps a few our fathers,
And a sacrifice of my soul,
May give me the peace I'm searching for,
And finally make me whole.

Oh father, how do I say,
I've got ****** on my mind,
But should I pursue my desires,
There'll be no saving me in time.

Oh father how might I repent,
For sins against those loved by me.
Oh father how do I reach forgiveness,
With only a few hail Marys?

I no longer look
When I cross the road.
I only close my eyes and pray
That maybe this will be the day.

I hope to hear the sound
Of screeching tires and breaks,
Before my body hits the windshield
And I am filled with pain.

I hope to hear the sirens
And the tinkling of glass,
When my body hits the ground
At long, long last.

I pray there is no heaven
And certainly no hell,
For either would be filled with memories
I certainly can live without.

I wish only for oblivion
A darkness so complete,
That it fills my heart with yearning
And teases my soul with defeat.

I no longer look before the crosswalk
For my time will come so soon,
And I never look to see if you're watching
Before I leave the room.

I'm fighting through each second,
I'm forced to be awake.
This pain has become so haunting,
And I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Sleep has become a pleasure,
A reprieve from life itself,
Though my dreams often leave me,
With memories I sorely miss.

Now it seems I lost my heart,
Somewhere along the line,
But if you'd ask me how I'm doing,
I'd tell you that I'm just fine.

I wouldn't tell you how I often wish,
That I'd wake up dead,
Nor would you ever hear of the sadness,
That always fills my head.

You'd never hear how I died inside,
When I learned that we me never be,
Or just how haunting,
My dreams are to me.

Nor would you ever hear me say,
I would sell my very soul,
To have you as my own forever,
For you to once more be my girl.

Come here darling,
Bleed with me.
Let's sit awhile,
So silently.

Just rest your weary head on me,
As I breathe in your soul.
Lose yourself in times long gone,
Your presence made me whole.

I feel you coursing through my veins,
You're like ****** for the sane.
Your visage lit up my whole world,
You lovely, beautiful girl.

My hands are shaking cold,
There's far too much,
That I don't know.

Your warm embrace brought me calm,
Warmed me from the cold,
And now the nights aren't so lonely,
Knowing you're still around.

I've got a taste on my tongue,
That burns with regret,
For all the words I kept hidden,
For all I could've said.

I told you I'm sorry,
For all the time we lost,
And that I need to fix the damage,
My actions had caused.

It's funny how all the nightmares,
I had all of those nights,
Were swept away in seconds,
At seeing my hearts delight.

Now time is moving slowly,
With each passing second all alone,
And I hope the warmth will come again,
And take away the cold.

My heart beat's pounding,
In ears too deaf to hear,
The words you last spoke,
To me.

All I hear is,
I don't love you,
I don't love you,
Anymore.

How long did it take,
To forget the feeling of my arms,
As you cried yourself to sleep,
Year after year?

How long after my wrists were bound,
Before you forgot all the years,
Spent with my heart,
In your bed?

How long until you decided,
Maybe my soul wasn't worth it,
Anymore?

I'm willing to bet that,
If you leave me alone,
I'll put a needle in my arm,
And a bullet driven home.

I'm willing to bet that,
You've never seen danger,
Quite as seductive
As I can be.

Throw me my cotton,
Give me my spoon,
I swear my lips will be blue,
All too soon.

I just need my rig,
My belt and maybe just,
A little ****** tonight,
To end it all,
And start a new life.

Give me everything I've ever known,
Let me have it all.
Give me Hell, I need it.
I swear I'll take the throne.

Don't offer Heaven,
I swear I've already found it,
In blue eyes and full lips,
The girl you took away from me.

Give me Hell,
I swear I deserve it,
I'll take it all alone.

You know I've fought sadness,
And the madness of despair,
I've broken my own body,
And I know I am prepared.

I've taken on my demons,
Fought and lost the war.
But something still binds me kindly,
Knowing I'll be around for sure.

I've felt the highs and lows,
That come with drugs and love.
I've felt the ***** of needles,
And the warmth of that rush.

I've known times so maddening,
I thought perhaps Id die.
Sadly there's a plan for me,
And I know naught why.

My body keeps on breathing,
My hearts beats shakenly.
I feel the darkness coming,
But somehow you light the way.

There's love in a needle,
A feeling so profound,
That I've come to you with sadness,
And left feeling proud.

I don't know why it happens,
But I know I've lived too long.
Give me my old sadness,
And calming of this song.

Does anyone know where home is,
When you don't know where your heart went?
I've ghosts inside these thin walls,
And I hear screams each time I look inside.

Has anyone seen the key to my house,
Or did they take it away
And place it on the pyrr
When they turned you to ashes?

Has anyone seen my home,
I'm so lost I don't know,
Where it is anymore.

Has anyone seen my home?
The one with the white door,
And large glass windows,
That allowes light into my life.

Have you seen me these past few months,
They say I look better.
If only they knew,
The truth of the matter.

I can feel my addiction,
Begin to eat away at reality,
As I try to sleep away the night,
Knowing I'm copping at 8 am.

I know a needle in my arm,
Isn't the same as happiness,
But I don't know how to sleep at night,
Unless I'm heavily medicated.

I'm swimming in an ocean of blood,
Mixed with the ever present ******,
Or is it morphine this time?

I've been swimming for so long,
But I've never seen the shore.
And I can feel my tourniquet,
Tied to my wrist like an anchor.

Maybe I'll dose a little too much,
And spare myself the agony of detox.
But ****, mom would die,
If I didn't make it home.

I guess it wouldn't matter,
I'd have that dark abyss.
But there's one thing I know,
It's certainly ****** I'd miss.

God knows I've tried not to notice,
As the ninth comes around.
It has been five months of,
Alcohol and ****** to fill your absence.

I still remember what it feels like,
To have you hug me and say that everything is okay.
And I can still hear your voice at night.

You have no idea how much I have spent,
To try to erase the pain I feel inside.
You fell asleep one last time,
And a part of me went when you died.

I won't shed another tear,
No, I won't cry again.
I swear I won't cry,
Except maybe one last time.

I shake as I clench my cigarette,
Burning between *******.
I shake as tears cascade around me,
The taste of liquor my only friend.

I shake as I aim for the shot,
Hoping the ****** will stop my heart this time.
I see blood mix and push the plunger down,
This high is my only friend.

It has been five months without you dad,
But I feel as if has only been a day.
I still feel you cold skin beneath my fingers,
And wish death could have stayed away.

You know I've felt misery,
When I held my brother as he cried.
Screaming for our father,
As mom watched through tear filled eyes.

You know I felt happiness,
When I watched him move up,
Into middle school,
Already on his way to being a man.

You know I feel sadness,
Each night as I lie down to sleep.
I don't know how to be a father,
To a boy half my age.

I do not understand,
Why fate made everything happen this way,
But let me tell you this burden,
Is mine to pay.

I'll do what I must,
To make sure he grows up right,
Even if I have to,
Give up my own life.

I fear the warm embrace of my bed,
The soft feeling of my pillow beneath my head.
I fear the sleep that takes me at night,
For my dreams are dark and devoid of light.

I wish I hadn't been the one,
To find you wrapped in never-ending sleep.
Now my dreams come to me unbidden,
And I often wake as my eyes begin to weep.

I dreamed you put a bullet in your head,
Just the other night.
**** all if I could say,
Sleep is my greatest fright.