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Today i feel like my mother
I feel silence built in my veins
I feel anger swallowing  me
He shames me without  words
And we call this marriage?  
He demands me and I allow his control
He walks into a room and suddenly  I am cold
I don't  want to be like my mother
I don't  want to be stuck in 18 years of marriage  and fights
I crave freedom
I sat down to write a suicide note
So many people  to apologize  to
But the only words on my final paper is
Say I am sorry to my sisters for not being  strong  anymore
My ****** eyes are burnt into my skull and suddenly  I wish I was only decaying  bones in a casket 8 feet deep.
His eyes made me wish the pills worked on my first suicide  attempt
His eyes make me wish I would have died the night he ***** my cold shaken body
I wonder if he can he my screams in his sleep cause God knows I replay my screams like a record  with one track
I hope he wakes up in sweats after remembering how he burried my soul in the ground  I was ***** on
The memories  visit me so often now it's  like an angel  but dark and twisted
It kisses my head and tucks me into bed where it visits me in my sleep to torment  me
I started to cry in the shower
So my husband  hopefully  won't  hear my sobs
I don't  talk about it
I refer to my **** as "the situation " because saying **** outloud makes my body shake
Recently  the memories have been so vivid
Details i forgot sufferaced
Like the dirt in my shoes
Or my yellow shirt covered in sand
My skirt around my ankles and underwear with monday on them
The feeling  of his hand around my chin and pulling my hair towards him
I remember  everything  i forced myself to forget
After 4 years you think you would start healing
But his face pops up on facebook  
And i start to have nightmares  about his eyes
His eyes
When i think about  them i feel  like i was looking  satan in the face and lost
The eyes of my ****** are burnt into my skull and suddenly  i wish i was only  bones
Evil people  live in safe places
With dogs and jobs
With a husband under her control
With children she manipulated  the state to get
Evil people hide in safe places
They are nurses in church
A " hard working mother"
But behind closed doors
They project all their hurt
They pour their trauma into their children like potted plants
They train you to believe  you are the weakest  link.
They morph your brain into soilders fighting for the wrong side
Evil peopl hide in safe places
I froze my trauma
Capture it like a picture book
Put it on a self and forgot
But whenever i look at the images
The one of me running to a place i called home after my ****
The one of me seeing my mother for the last time
The one of my foster mother screaming  at me for self harm
Images of me in the hospital  after an almost deadly accidentally overdose on drugs
The one of my hands in cuffs outside my school
The one of me screaming  when he ripped my black skirt off
Fill to the brim
Too much to handle
too much to see
If i could burn that photo album  I would
But at the end of the day I convince  myself  I am nothing without  my story
Dayton, I've spent my whole life waiting for you, searching for the best parts of you in everyone I meet. I promise to love you until my last breath, to comfort you in times of need, make you smile everyday, bring nothing but joy to your life. I vow to be honest with you share inmate moments and trust you with my life. I vow to never shame you, always be understanding and most important love you regardless, through thick and thin and better and worse I will be right by your side. you are my yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever.
I was taught that:
love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. and your love has never failed me.
and i promised myself I would never marry until I believe that our love is patient and kind and always protects, and that is why it's a true honor to be your wife until my last days on earth. I love you Dayton Reed and I will never stop loving you
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