i think growing up is the most painful thing i’ve come to experience,,
I thought learning to drive would be an escape for myself something to look forward to and enjoy and it would make me feel grown up and finally untouchable,, able to runaway from my parents and the expectations i’ve so carefully avoided,,
But what no one tells you is that once you’re behind the wheel you’ll always have to turn back,, go home,, get gas.

The driving will give you mere minutes of what you’ve wanted but also hand you a new kind of pain,, the type where you just barely are unable to keep going,,, like if in this reality i never went back to that house, my parents would report me as a runaway and it’d be the most embarrassing two days of my life.

People I went to middle school with asking where i could of gone?,,
Finding out i had just driven a little outside of missouri before realizing i can’t stand sleeping in my car and i miss my cats and the smell of a bed shared with friends and late night conversations and the cluttering or terrible movies playing in between the two.

I write this all down i guess to say, i have 16 months before driving really gets good.
where i no longer have to turn back and go to a house that’s never been my own. But really is this waiting better than the before? When all i had to take me anywhere was my own body/will and not some machine with some real capacity to carry me and my possessions far away from here…

I hate graveyards. and not knowing what to say to strangers. maybe you didn't realize but when i think of death,, i really only think of my own. how it takes every part of my brain willing and convincing myself that it’s a bad idea to die,, -
-to make myself keep living.

I hate the waiting that comes along with childhood,, i think i stopped enjoying it as soon as i knew one day i would out grow it, that this fun part of living and having others be responsible for me would eventually cycle into the me taking care of myself part. It felt like a burden that i would never be ready for so i started preparing before i ever really could enjoy it,, and that preparing hasn't ever really stopped.