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In second grade,
My mom made me wear dresses everyday.
My mom would part my hair down the middle and make two long braids with colorful hair ties.
I would go to school and the boys would make fun of my dresses.
The boy that sat behind me would pull my braids anytime I said something smart.

In fourth grade,
I told my mom I could dress myself, but she still had to approve of every outfit.
I told my mom I was old enough to style my own hair.
I would go to school and the boys would make fun of my weight instead of my clothes.
The boy that sat behind me would sit next to me and call me names for being the stupid one in smart classes.

In seventh grade,
I told my mom that I didn't care what she thought.
I cut my long hair shoulder length.
I started wearing dark makeup.
The boys didn't make fun of my weight but they would ask me out as a joke.
The boy that sat behind me and then next to me, liked me and texted me every night saying how pretty I was.

In the ninth grade,
My mom wasn't awake to see what I wore to school.
I regretted the very day I decided to cut my hair.
The boys that called me fat; left me alone because they found someone bigger to pick on.
The boy that sat behind me asked me for a naked picture and I said no.
He called me a fat, ugly, ***** and never talked to me again.

In the tenth grade,
My mom borrowed my clothes and I borrowed hers.
My hair fell out but I wanted it to grow.
Boys no longer call me fat because they never saw me eat.
And the boy that sat behind me wanted me back.
I cried myself to sleep and hid my wrists in my sleeve.

It's funny how many things changed since the second grade.

*-c.a.
Every time
I feel like stopping
Giving up
When I find
It unbearable
When I find
It torturing
You always manage to come in
You almost always come in
At that moment
And give me encouragement
Like a light to a moth
In the darkness
Giving me warmth
In the cold winter
Make me feel so much better
Giving me a reason
To hang on.
Thank you so much.
Oh to know the*
mysteries of Jesus
Christ, the way
he lived, the way he died. All along with me
in mind, the greatest mystery of Jesus Christ
is what it is he
sees in me, not
my here and
now but  my
destiny. Nothing
I can do except
to believe. That
*is the greatest mystery
The blissful oblivion
Is magical.

You don’t feel
Anything

You’re not aware of
Anything

You don’t need to hide
Anything

You don’t need to hold
Anything

You don’t need to do
Anything

Any bad thoughts
Any bad happenings
Go away
When you sleep
Suspended in that
Nothingness

When I wake up
I’m a new person

No longer bearing
The grudge

No longer
Tearing

No longer
Exploding

But I wonder
How long
It would last.

Will it?

I need you
Sleep

Don't
Go.
So you say I’m harsh
Very well.
I admit
I am not very nice
At any point in time
But I try.
I try to make everyone happy
I try to help
But in the end of the day
I’m just a bothersome pest
A shallow, annoying
Pest.
Yet when I don’t reply
You say I don’t care.

Sorry if it hurt you
Sorry if it added on to your problems.
But harsh?

Everyone’s had it tough
Not only you.
You’ve definitely had it really rough
With him out there
Doing God knows what.
Sure, your life hasn’t been really happy
Well you know what?
So hasn’t mine.

My books
The stories I lose myself in
To escape
You took them away.
My connection
With all the friends I adore
You cut me off
The things that I enjoy doing
You turn them into work
Making me loath them
My emotion
You ban them
Make me suppress them
Making me pretend that I am
Once again
The cheery, innocent little girl
From years before
Who will never
Return
Keeping my guard up
Even at home
Only till I am safely under the sheets
In the dark
With the door closed
Alone
And yet, I still do as you please.

Fine.
Say that I’m selfish
Say that I demand too much
Say that I do too little
Say that I’m hopeless
But I’m only human.
Am I?
Who knows.
Probably a monster.
A leech.
A burden.

So.
Harsh?
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