im okay.

i have so many questions. like why am i here, what's my purpose?
i don't want to be here anymore. i'm all done trying to "fight". i'm all done trying to "push positive thoughts".
i know it's unfair to think this while other don't have a choice.
but i have no positivity left. no fight left.
i'm totally and completely lost.
i'm drained.

i'm trying to fight this.
i'm stuck in my own head, drowning in my thoughts.
letting them take control of my feelings and actions.
i'm sick of people trying to understand my "high school struggles"
because that's just it.
no one causes this.
it's within me.

how to love your body.

one of the most important things they dont teach you in school.

please remember to look in the mirror and smile everyday.

it may not be what you want but if someone else will love it, why can't you?

these may not happen all at once but after finding the one, it will be so clear that this list is no longer a dream because you deserve it

- buy me flowers
- play scrabble with me
- ACTUALLY watch movies with me
- cuddle
- hold my hand in public without me asking
- say sweet things just because
- kiss my forehead/cheek
- ask to hang out with my family/me with his
- give me funny names
- try to help me with my problems
- just randomly dance with me
- tolerate my singing
- want to go on dates of me
- play in the snow with me
- go to a concert with me
- come shopping with me
- buy me edible arrangements
- let me do his makeup
- tell me what he's thinking
- let me cry in front of him and try to comfort me
- buy me dunks/me for him
- want to hang out with my friends
- walk me to some of my classes
- NEVER just give up on us
- kiss me when i'm/he's mad
- make me laugh
- support me
- NEVER make me doubt myself
- sleep (actually sleep) with me
- sleep (fun time) with me (after a long time)
- be my best friend
- ask about my feelings
- come to my lacrosse games
- let me borrow his clothes
- go for walks with me
- if they have a dog, let me cuddle with it
- smell good
- watch a t.v. series with me
- laugh at my jokes
- make me food (bagels:))

i want to go back to summer.

summer, with our sun kissed skin sitting out near the fire.

summer, with our sun bleached hair glinting in the moonlight.

summer, that one night in summer, where time stopped.

where we were the only people who could possibly be anywhere and everywhere at once, nothing could go wrong.

i miss our summer nights, but i miss you most.

you're in my rear view mirror, just barely visable.

with the one i care about in the passenger seat, with their caring words and warm heart.

i don't need to see if you're chasing after me anymore.

now that i'm broken are you whole? because you might not have meant it, but i did. every "i love you" was true. every look and smile i gave you showed it, i'd do anything to have you back. but i meant what i said, i'd risk my own happiness for yours.

did you know you're still on my mind?
did you know i haven't moved on?
did you know i read our old conversations when i'm lonely?
did you know i still have ours pictures hanging up on my wall?
did you know i cry at night?
did you know....
i still love you.

i stood next to you today. did you notice me? did you think about what we used to be? memories flooding your brain like rushing water. did it make you miss me? the little laugh i used to do when you complimented me, the way my heart skipped beats when i caught you staring, the way my breathing would hitch when you wrapped your arms around me. because it hit me all at once and i realized where i really was. what we really were now. strangers. all of the late night conversations, moments where we just looked at each other completely in love, holding hands walking down the street, cuddling underneath blankets after a day in the lake. all to be forgotten. we are now strangers.

its okay to miss him. you miss him until your heart can't anymore, because that's how we teenage girls work. we don't realize our first love really wasn't our first love until we've really had it. everyday is new and every new person you meet could be the next one you never know who you could be with in the end and i think that's what so exciting about life.

everyone else has moved on including you, but i'm still here stuck in these in between states of i love you and i want to move on. it's been three weeks today. when i see you in the hallways acting like nothing happened, that's when it really kills me. because you, with your words, your smile, your touch, messed me up bad. and now here i am still broken apart waiting for you to realize what has happened and come piece me back together with you words, your smile, your touch.

i said i love you

i said if you want out please leave before its too late

i even showed you where the door was

but you said no we can make it

you said i love you more

and i trusted every word you said

but then you got bored and found someone else to sleep in your bed

and you showed me love wasn't in your vocabulary

i wrote you nine pages,
you said four words

i ran a hundred miles to you,
you walked one

im sad
and
all alone now
with my heart
in pieces
as you pass by
without even
batting an eyelash
at me
when i
want to
run and
give you
all of
my love
that you
dont deserve
but i would
anyway.

Row 3, Key 9

{S P A C E}

Row 4, Key 10; Row 3, Key 10; Row 5 Key 5; Row 3, Key 4

{S P A C E}

Row 3, Key 7; Row 4, Key 7; Row 3, Key 10

I've witnessed a woman being taken for granted for years and a man who loved her but never made the time or effort to tell her.

    I've witnessed the fights, the storming off, the blame that a man will put on a woman so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

    I've also seen the love and affection they had for each other when he decided he wanted to make time.

   So eventually she blamed herself because she had grown to think that.
   
    Eventually she got tired of the blame and staying around and supporting him and doing whatever pleased him and she broke.  After she realized what the man had done to her she left.

you can't lie to yourself forever
you need to look in the mirror
decide who you want to be
dont be the person who you think you see,
don't be the person those people have made you see.

my fingers are always icy,
cold hands
always a purple or red color,
cold hands
my fingers never interlocking with his,
cold hands
But you with your bright eyes and kind smile,
you're all mine
The way you look at me left me with,
warm hands and flushed cheeks