because i've come to find that love isn't found at the end of broken and shattered bottles. it doesn't just pour out of cup and it cannot just seep through my lips. i have figured out that love is not captivated inside of a medicine container and love can't just be swallowed down with a big glass of water. i've never really found love inside of the drawers in the corner in my room and nor have i found it in the empty shoe boxes that are stacked on the very top shelf of my closet. but where i have found love, is in you. because love, which i've come to find, is a note sticking to the side of a half-drunken bottle reading: Here, drink the rest. love just pours out of your lips when you slowly whisper to me, "you're unceasingly infatuating." i have finally figured out that love is stuck in the downward curl of your eyes when you give me the, "i'm only smiling for you," smile. i have always seemed to find love in the smell of your oversized t-shirt that you hate wearing and the one little bracelet that you never take off but that i now have. i have never really found love when i looked for it, but as soon i stopped looking, i found all of it in you.

let me make this clear to anyone and everyone

i ******* hate sympathy

how dare you feel sorry for me when i'm trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself? don't get me wrong, i'm glad that you're showing even a sliver of love & care towards me but ******, i wish that you'd portray it in another way. because nothing makes me feel worse than knowing that i am becoming more & more of a time thief by stealing away one's time and replacing it with my good 'ole unwanted companion, sympathy. and my goodness, how i have tried to stop the words from dancing off of my lips but they just can't seem to ******* sit still. i don't know how not to put them in such a solemn way, but i really wish that i did. it may seem like that i want you to feel sorry but no one ever comes to understand that i am only responsible for what i say not for what you interpret or comprehend so don't you dare ever let me hear you say, but you said...because NO. i did not say that is just what you thought. sympathy is stupid. sympathy is unnecessary. sympathy is the worst form of kindness and sympathy is something that i've never received until i met you. now, i am nothing but a hypocrite.

it has always been difficult telling people why they should not love me. it has always been a touchy subject for me and God i wish it wouldn't be. the only somewhat plausible justification that i have for you not to love me, is to just don't.

12:37 am

i don't think that i could ever feel immensely happy about something and then just expect not to have it ruined. i was never the type person who ever really got what they wanted, but that supposedly builds character, right? (not really) it's a lie when they say it gets easier. the first wave of disappointment didn't feel any different from the 3rd or the 14th or the 27th or the 56th. they're all the same. they all feel the same. they all hurt the same. people just give you sympathetic looks and gestures and tell you that it'll be okay, but that doesn't mean that it's okay right now. it'll is a conjuction for it will. which is future tense. that means that's not it okay right now. (and it really isn't) maybe i should stop lying to people and telling them that it's okay, in a measly attempt to spare their feelings when i should really be trying to spare my own. one of my friends told me that i'm not prone to lying. well, maybe he's wrong.

maybe God is teaching me a lesson
that i can't really seem to comprehend or grasp.
because waves of disappointment crash on the shorelines of my chest
way too often
and i immensely feel each & every euphoric granule of sand
being so easily washed away.

we used to be so close.
remember?
she envied how close we were.
she was always irritated at how
you'd come to me before you came to her.
i'd always laugh when she got mad,
but she hated me for it.
you told me your secrets.
and i told you mine.
we spoke in metaphors and similies
because you thought it was fun
and it gave me a good laugh.
i remember how on the last day of school
i ran up to hug you
and i tripped over a wooden block
and fell into you.
i was embarrassing
and clumsy
but i that one moment,
i don't think you really cared.
i remember how you hated books.
or maybe you just didn't like the ones i did?
either way,
i remember.
i moved away
and i feel so terrible.
you probably don't feel as terrible as i do
because you're a guy
and there's always other fishies in the sea, right?
maybe not
i love you
and i miss you more than moon
misses my window on a cloudy night
you texted me the other day
and told me you missed me
and i said the same

while there at 26 other people present in this room,
i feel alone;
or at least my mind has convinced me that i am.
either way,
it's nice i suppose.
and i can't really focus on anything
but do i really want to?
i could honestly not care less
whether Graph B
is steeper than Graph A
and how it has an equation of -2x-2.
i don't care if it's a
linear
quadratic
exponential
or cubic root equation
all i can seem to care about
at this moment in time
is you
you keep trying to bust your way
into my head
and make a reservation
like i have extra room.
NEWSFLASH:
i don't.
but somehow,
someway,
you have made your way in.
and i don't think you don't plan on leaving.