They always show these girls,
Skinny girls,
With the pizza,
The ice cream,
The junk foods.
Advertising.
And i think I can be one of them.
I think i can eat whatever i want.
And be okay.
...
No.
Its not okay.
Food is an addiction,
I don't care what anyone says,
Its an addiction.
Its whats eating me alive,
Even thought its he other way around.
Food can be your best friend,
It comforts you when your sad,
Its almost an activity.
Not thinking about what you need,
But what you want.
You become greedy.
Then you look in the mirror,
At the mess you've made.
You get on the scale and think-
"What have I done?"
And you can't blame anyone but yourself.
You can hide from it.
Crash all the mirrors and eat because its now what you do best.
Its all you want.
Sweet bits of happiness.
You forget for awhile.
You have an escape from life,
An escape from the stress.
But one day that mirror will find you.
And you will realize what you need to do.
Stop.
I don't want to be too far gone.
Too far to turn around.
But what is too far?
Am i already too far?
I might be clawing at my skin,
Crying in my bed,
Screaming
because i have to use food as energy,
Instead of entertainment.
It hurts,
Constantly fighting in my head.
But I have to
I can't look anymore.
I am not me.
I am suffocating.

If you only knew,

I'd stare in the mirror
Then stare a bit harder
"I look fine, don't worry"
those words were my armor.
Because when im alone,
Its just me.
No one around
To call me ugly.
But kids are cruel,
I thought to myself
And in my situation
I was left on the shelf.
Hate shows acknowledgment,
and i was not hated.
They were okay to my face,
But i was being tolerated.
Being shown pity
made me confused.
What did they see?
Was it my hair or my shoes?
I looked in the mirror,
Again i looked "fine"
But then another thought
Crossed through my mind.
"Maybe they see,
Something else?
Maybe I'm not supposed,
To like my self?"
This started it all,
Now I saw me.
With the mirror upside down,
Came the negativity.
I would look at myself,
With confusion and disgust.
I would curse at the world
That I would no longer trust.
I would sit on the floor.
Until I'm blue in the face
From fighting my demons
That I could not erase.
Gelatinous bulges,
Consumed my body,
Restricting my looks,m
my hidden personality.
I felt embarrassed,
I felt felt upset.
I would start to scream,
I was filled with regret.
Id pray every night
For a little change,
And that my future would not
Forever stay the same.
And those prayers were answered,
But it took years to recover,
So much pain and hurt,
That no one would uncover.

So i was broken,
And now released from the cult,
I can express myself,
And take some control.
Those years are gone,
But i still hurt.
I have to look back in time,
So see I'm no longer "her".
So when they are confused,
Why im a little defensive,
I will direct them to this poem,
To see my perspective.
But these is just words,
Strung in a pattern,
The hell that Iwent through,
Doesn't really matter.
Because the words are past tense,
And others are suffering,
And its not those who post it,
On social networking.
Its the quiet girl,
You won't expect
Because she wants to look normal,
Not perfect.

She bothers me,
I don't know why.
But I know i'm the reason,
For the tears she will cry.
But that's not it.
Its the possibility,
That I could of been her,
So easily.

- And....

I don't know why
he feels this way.
Im sorry for you,
What else can I say!
Im sorry his love,
Is invested in me?
Im sorry that this time,
Its working out for me?
So i'll love him with pride,
But also with shame.
With all the brokenhearted ,
Im the one they blame.
So when your with him,
I won't be present
Not because you are "winning",
Because i feel your resentment.
So look at the picture,
See it my way.
He likes me still,
And you see him everyday.
So don't be angry,
Step back in line.
It will work out for you,
But this is my time.

Green face paint.
Little conversations.
Budding love
with no complications.
A warm blanket
laid over me.
My cheeks are flushed
I feel oddly giddy.

Look-
then look away.

For we cannot see
when I look at you,
when you look at me.
That was the beginning,
let us know no end
because life is a story
and you are holding the pen.

Your rode map is tattered.
Not a penny to your name.
But just a year ago,
You were on top,
had the riches and the fame.
I bet you never thought,
Your greasest enemy,
The one you rivaled with,
Would turn out to be me.
You loved to manipulate,
Bend and splatter.
I didnt know my pureness,
Would make you shatter.
"Till the end" you say,
As we embrace in a hug.
I never thought the end was coming,
Until you swatted me like a bug.
Now you want a come back.
And you need different allies.
So you push away me.
But I believed all of your lies.
"Best friend."
Best friends.
"Oh c'mon you don't have to pretend!"
...
I wasn't.
I cared.
I loved you.
I was there!
And now you want to exlude me,
From your new "important" people.
You grew tired of the old you,
ditched the church and the steeple.
So now your headed,
In a different direction.
Keeping me out of the picture,
And giving them your infection.

Well that's great.

But im hurt.

Im hurt that you have this mindset,
Im hurt that i feel loss.
Im hurt that i let you in
And now i pay the cost.
But i let others in too,
And friend groups will change.
But just remember this,
The true friends will remain.

I sit here and stress
About the highs and lows of tomorrow
If you will think of me or not
If i am important
If am important enough for effort
To choose me over something simple.
I choose you.
But who cares,
Your not "ready" to except love.
But i wasnt.
I broke.
But if you did-
That means more.
Because you are most important to you.
So if i back off
If im quiet
And if i leave
Its me protecting myself.
Its me trying to prevent a crack
Or a chip
Or a scratch
Because they all hurt the same.
But you dont care about the damage done to me.
So as i sit there
From the warm glow of the candles
I hope i dont wish for you.
Because you should of been there already.

You say the sweetest things,
And keep me attatched.
I give you my heart,
And forget the past.
We share a moment,
I feel so lucky,
That i get to have you
This means to much to me.
I walk down the hallway,
So see the same,
You With another girl,
And you say her name.
But what about me?
What about what we shared?
Did you forget what you said?
Now Im scared.
I hold back the water,
About to drip from my eye.
I was so gaurded
And you were my only guy.
I only saw you.
I feel betrayed,
Lied to and beaten up,
Its me who needs some space.
I see you with her,
And my heart breaks.
I dont know what to feel,
I dont know what it takes,
To be with you.
I dont know
if i want to be with you.
Because...

You hurt me.