lovely

lovely Oct 2020

flowers

I want to breathe your flowers.
To take in your thoughts and extending vines of knowledge.
Your intoxicating grace captivates me.

It surely captivates everyone around you
and it captivates our friends.
They gravitate towards you
and I can't blame them.

You're beautiful,
smart,
funny,
charismatic,
and pretty much every other good thing about a person.

I am nowhere in comparison.
You don't have to deal with the intrusive thoughts
or the breakdowns that appear out of thin air
or the weight of not being enough.
You don't have to deal with the weight comments,
or the acne tips from everyone you know,
or the intense burn of insecurity when you wear anything restricting.
No, you're perfect,
and I'm fundamentally broken.

Everyone will cry when you're gone
but no one will bring a flower to my grave.

#flower #depression #pain #death

lovely Feb 2020

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you laugh
I hate the way you smile

I hate the way you kiss
I hate how you’d rather just sit back and talk for a while

I hate the way you look at me
I hate when you don’t look at all

I hate when you remind me of my wrongs
I hate how I feel so small

I hate the way you make me feel
and most of all I hate how I don’t hate you at all

#10things #hate #love

lovely Feb 2020

painful love

one word
it’s enough to hurt me.
it’s not your typical insult,
nor is it mean.
it’s a name...
that one single name
can slice a new cut into my heart,
make my eyes prickle with tears
and make my throat feel like i have barbed wire wrapped around it.

if only i had been enough for that name to not exist

#names #jealous

lovely Jun 2019

irony

when you’re gone,
i miss you.
when you’re here,
i’m too nervous to be myself.
when you’re gone,
i have confidence.
when you’re here,
i hide in my shell.
isn’t it ironic?

sorry i haven’t been active as much i’ve had a busy life lately

#irony

lovely May 2019

inevitable

death,
pain,
love,
heartbreak,
failure,
and abandonment.
they say it’s inevitable.
are we inevitable
or are we forever?

lovely Apr 2019

jealousy

my muscles tense
and i clench my teeth.
holding back what i’m thinking,
what i truly want to say.
“i want you to be mine.
stop giving me half and half,
like bits and pieces here and there!”
but i can’t bring myself to say it.
nothing is said,
because you’re just out of reach.
besides, you’re with a girl much prettier than me.
so why worry about something that isn’t worth it?
because you’re worth something to me.

#jealous

lovely Apr 2019

downpour

when will it stop?
these teardrops,
the downpour?
the rain beats on my back
as it mixes with my tears.
i can’t make it through the storm alone
so please stay with me.
i don’t want to get wet with rain
and tremble with cold.
it’s just a passing downpour,
i tell myself.
i won’t let it stay like this,
i can’t.
i need to be dry,
i need to be happy.
what happens when i stay in the rain?
i will let it win the war,
and the rain melts me away.
slowly and softly,
so no one notices me gone until it’s too late.

i’ve been struggling with depression for a long time now and there are days when it’s good and days when it’s bad. i think that’s a part of life though and i’m doing my best to get through it. if anyone reading this is struggling like me... it gets better. it doesn’t seem like it now and it seems like it never will but i’m here to say it does.

#downpour #rain #death #depression #sadness #help #cru