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elliot Jun 14
You know that state of shock when you suddenly wake up with a feeling of falling and your body physically moves itself because it feels so real?
That’s what happens right before you die in a dream.
You’re in this REM state, your body is basically paralyzed and you’re about to die, but our brains are simply miraculous.
See, our brain actually give us that jolt and wakes us up, because our mind doesn’t know what to do after death.
It doesn’t know what comes next.
Therefore, we live again.
That’s what it felt like.
It felt like a paralyzing dream effect where I was dying but I couldn’t wake up and my body couldn’t move and my brain forgot how to work and my heart didn’t remember how to pound to its normal beat.
“Mom, I think I like girls, but I’ll never tell you this, because I don’t know who I am yet, but what I know is that my body will rather paralyze itself, than tell you this...”
elliot Jun 12
“Mom, I think I might like girls,” a conversation I’ll never have with my mother.

“Mom,” I say.
She’s sitting on that brown couch watching Judge Judy, because Judge Judy is the only interesting thing to watch nowadays.
“Um, I’ve been thinking about myself lately...”
She turns to me questioningly, little sister and fake father sit around pretending not to hear but their ears are open for the first time, listening to the conversation I’ll never ever have with my mother.
“You’ve been thinking? About yourself?” She asks, she has a right to ask. I never think about myself.
And then, I nod. Because nodding seems so right in the moment.
“You see, I’ve never felt like I belonged. And as cliche as that might sound, I think for the first time, I know why.”
Poor, young me, sitting on that brown couch, staring at the blank wall with my mother’s eyes on her, trying to be brave.
She knows. She’s known for a while.
My mother told me a while ago that, “it’s not in the Bible, so it’s not welcome in my house.”
It’s not in the Bible.
I have to repeat it.
So I remember.
It’s not in the Bible, so it’s not welcome in this house.
I am not welcome in this house.
“I think I might like girls.”
mind grammatical errors my brain doesn’t have autocorrect.
elliot Feb 25
If you keep waiting for someone to save your inner damsel from the distress,
you’ll never experience the gratification from being your own hero.

We’re constantly expecting too much from people who give too little.
elliot Feb 24
Maybe one day                                               I'll be able to explain
the feelings I get when I think of you this way.

The pain and despair,
the heartache and pity
you make me feel it,
till this very day.

I was drowning, falling, slipping,
in a sadistic pool that you filled
with your manipulation and selfishness.

I remember the days
I craved your love,
oh how helplessly I wished you'd one day come back.

It's perfectly selfish
and perfectly normal,
for me to feel the way I do.

To constantly dream, that you'd maybe one day come back for me,
even when I know it's impossible.
elliot Feb 23
how many times
do I have to apologise
to the person staring back at me
in the mirror,
for seeing her
exactly how other people do?
elliot Feb 22
The echoes of the beat
And the warmth of the rhythm.
I miss the way the melodic sounds touched my being with every gut wrenching word.
I wish I could go back
to when my heart craved the lyrics of the poet
my eyes bled with their misery;
when my lips would choke in sync
to every chord and every painstakingly high note.
I miss the time when my mind would go to sleep and allow my body to rest as the power of the artist lulled me into slumber.  
But like every natural thing on earth,
my brain no longer desired the music as much as my heart did.
And I,
could no longer enjoy
the solace I had found
in a song.

— The End —