I was alone,
sitting, thinking of writing something happy
I really tried
Seconds were ticking
It was almost midnight
There'll be people lighting the night
And I'll be pretending to cheer up
I didn't even move to the sounds of the skies bursting and screaming
I was still and in chaos.

I didn't realise,
I was waiting for it to end.

What is the one thing
that happened in your yesterday
You can't live without?

NEW

It was so much easier
When I just
wanted it all.

It was taking
longer talks,
longer routes,
longer breaths, I was holding

Almost killing me
To ask for more.

Colours have faded
off the walls
but the walls remain.

pictured him walking away,
from the start,
they seldom stay...

But here I am,
reasoning his need
to not.

.

Now
as I try
to look beyond the sting welling up again,
You recede.

.

Why
are you explaining?
Now?

It was a night without fire,
without fights,

I had those tears
pushing me
towards my own sympathy
I'd cried all my feelings
without you,
How
I'd never felt so emotional
with you
I question,
whether you were just a blur,

All I wanted then
was just for you to come to me
and hush me back to where we started, fresh;
Now
I want a shelter
remote and distant from fresh
If that's where we started.

.

A cluster of breaths

Cold feet,

I'm still,
Holding
And hoping to pass on.

.

.


My ears still find their way
near mouths
who are likely to label me
as Beautiful,

Somehow
their opinion
makes it
more real;
believable,
I doubt my own sincerity
Am I not bound to be
partial
to myself?

Am I?
When half the time
I'm not myself
at all.

.

.

As I cried
and cried
and cried,

I longed to bleed
the words
poisoning
the tip of my tongue
till within,

As I wrote
and wrote
and wrote,

The tears had
faltered
sighed
and
settled,

Perhaps
poetry held me up
when I was
most alive,
And it still
carries me on
as I break and shed.


.

.

I can't feel you
relating
the same as I am.

We don't talk,

But you don't
to me,

And I,
at all.


.

.

Would you Only
Stop,
Pause,
Wait,
Till I can reach out,
If you can't
Turn back to me?

I know
Love,
All the effort
Won't be mine.

.

.

Why
Do I
Fear these
Depths,

When heights
Only
Intrigue me?

.

I am,

            WRITING    in    HIDDEN,

I am,

              WRITING     to     HIDE.




.

Y O U...


You

didn't

step

forward,

As I  
    e
n
d    l
e s    s
l
    y        Bled,





Why am I glad?


.

Are you holding my hand,

Just so that you don't fall?

Does
all
That
Anger,

Calm
Your
Veins?

Doesn't
the
Attempt
To
be
Different,

End
All
The
Same?

.

It does...

Forgiving...

It isn't about saying its okay...

It isn't even about being okay,

But about telling them that you aren't,

But will be fine...



.............................................................­...


We all will be...

We all speak,

What has been told already,

In alphabets and words,

Yet claim ideas,

All jumbled and curved,

And somehow I believe, everything has already been heard.

Oh...I held to your
hand,
When I was afraid of the
dark,
Frightened to stumble,
lose the grip,
Unsure of the length of the
path...

Too raw to digest,
the intensity of emptiness...
I don't feel you anymore either,
Your hand just threatens to fall,
I accuse the loss of my sight-
-for not seeing your eyes,
For the depth I'm sure will be there to suffice.    

But won't it be marking me easy?
For assuming I'm too much of blind?
For sight I believe isn't watching-
-Its seeing, and I can see the truth to your voice...

By the time I'll be pacing to walk on,
I fear you'll be lagging behind...
But isn't it funny?
It'll be your preference
And I'll be waiting denying.

But weren't choices offered to both?
Wasn't there faith in complying?
Wasn't I there when the silence broke?
Am I ceasing my tears with time?

I'm caressing my skins where you kissed me,
I'm regretting not saying goodbye.

That
thin
line,
Between
LOVE
And
HATE,

I never wanted you,

To
cross,
THE
OTHER
WAY...



....now it's deepened, and it's lost somewhere...Beyond my sight.
Buried somewhere only you could find...

I tap on the floor,
continuously,
Waiting for my turn...
I'm nervous,  but that's with everyone at my place
My temple is burning,
But that's with everyone here...
They always sweat,
Even if it's the blood they lose in the battle,
The battle... Bound to be lost,
The battle where you lose,
But as a matter of deep surprise,  no one wins...

It's a process of waste...
You keep growing inside to stop forever once and for all,
I degrade here as I fuse to grow,
I increase to decease,
To decease,
Refuse to withdraw
Because I can't, even if I choose to not swing my sword...

I wince at the prayers for,
They are disguised,
You join hands before the one who has bound mine from wiping,
The blood off myself,
The blood no one sees ,
The blood no one shall see,
But I smile as I get up to
greet them all that pour with sympathy...

Losing seconds to my vanishing
To the first and only life I got just to peep,
Look from far,
As I get to see things happen by themselves,
Like some tangled wool I'm left.
Warm still useless,
Kept...
To throw away.

But you only see the face
And the way I smile,
You wont even want to know
The number of flaws I hide...

The tales of parties, gossips
And my pictures online
But I might never let you know
The stories behind...

Cause you're too innocent to be spoiled
You're the reason I feel WANTED not REQUIRED,

But,
      I might never let it show,
It could be recovery,
      I feel unworthy somehow...

This is my real talk, just hope you like it.
It's a bit lengthy, but give it a shot please.
✅

I live for the future I'll be making, who made that future which is my present?

Am I responsible?

Am I held guilty of the life I think is miserable to me?

I control my actions, though some things make me have no say in them, like they are merely ought to be, but are they?

I don't believe anything is written. We just rewrite everything assuming it's imagination; the power of The Mind,  isn't it ephemeral? Everything? Time?

What is the destination we are colliding into? Should we move along every particle flying towards nothing? There is no real escape.
As I rabble the riverside and dunk my feet into its soothing, should I let go?
Move along?
Or might I stand still, held by my own weight down, like those pebbles in rest, nestling beneath me,
what is flowing has to return to rub against them, why should I meander aimlessly,  come back to what I am?
Travel so far for what I am now.  Searching for what I need everywhere else,when it is me I need to be.
Should I not proceed?

What is beyond me?
Or is there just me?
Because when I'm gone,  there really is nothing for me.
I am and I was, but can I say for sure that there will be a me?

Something radioactive degrades,  transits into another form. Is the time that's degrading, being formed somewhere else?
Is there another life exploding? To be heard?
Or to just be left as it is,  untouched by our Midas one?

Is that other time nearby, few steps from our physical self; light years away,
Or is it yet a million years to go?
Because I don't have a million years to live,
To stay, to define my destiny.
The pain of the past won't leave so I'd have to,
To leave behind me, 
My legacy.

Gazes

I'm between his numb expressions,

Lesser a stare, more than just a look,

Not every time is he stealing a smile,

But more than a while he's been


I fear I react just to cold and fire,

And his vigour is somewhere in between,

I fear, he's built the fear in me,

That someday maybe he'll turn around and give in

Lose the patience, find some other back and gazes to steal.

I buried your bones, I buried your skin, buried your hooks that hung my mind akin...

I emptied your closet, I emptied the walls, I've emptied the garden of roses and thorns...

I broke the vases, I've broken the dishes, I've broken myself into submission...

I've pulled the blinds, I've pulled the bedsheets, I've pulled the nerve to reckon your touches...

And as much as I'm hiding, as much as I'm blaming, as much as I'm crying in vain over paining...

I rattle the hangings, I battle my god, I scatter belongings that don't matter at all...

It's begining to occur the way back is hard, to places we made in oceans and stars...

You're a part of the air now, I'm breathing dense it's heavy, maybe I can try and walk out of the mess, but the drag's too much to resist...

The warmth of the floor still persists on the floorboards where you stood, so cold and lonely you were, I kept ignoring the truth...

What hurts the most is that I knew yet I kept it low, I slept every night beside you, and let the spaces grow,

I can hear the curtains screaming, cursing with every sip of the wind, to reveal these hands I denied her and let her scream within,

There's words to speak,
I say to these walls where we sneaked,
To kiss to breathe each other,
Where we laughed at every situation
Just like lovers....We were
I wish I'd said it then,
I fathom you still bound to the wall,
Eyes looking at their reflection in mine,
Like knowing that we lovers would fall...