It’s been 48 hours since food last touched my lips
48 hours of pain and starvation
I don’t mean to starve myself
I just can’t help it
I look at myself in the mirror;
With disgust and disapproval
I am not choosing the hunger
But when I look at food, I automatically become sick
I think of the times I’ve cried over my body
The hours I’ve spend ridiculing every stretchmark,
Fat roll,
Wrinkle,
Every inch of myself that is less than subpar in my eyes
Do you think I want to be like this?
I sit and sleep;
instead of eat
My stomach growls
Sounds like thunder on a dry summers day
Speaking to me and telling me to stop being a ******* idiot
I tell you I haven’t eaten and your response is clear
But what does it matter to me what you think
At the end of the day you aren’t the one whose hungry
You aren’t the one who pushes her body to the point of breaking all in the name of beauty
Oh to be beautiful
Seems so easy
Especially when those words roll off your tongue
But I flinch in pain
As my body begins to eat itself
And you sense something is wrong
I tell you I’m fine
But based off the look on my face;
you know it’s not just a stomach ache

I was forced to leave the place I called my sanctuary
The place in which you constantly reminded me I should feel safe
Filled with positive memories
Happiness and no judgment
But we have two different definitions of safe
To you, because you are my mentor, you have this overruling authority
You will punish both the right and the wrong
There is no use in biting the hand that feeds you
So, unconsciously, your wish is my command
You didn’t even realize I was gone
Until I was
I ran away from you as fast as I could
Expecting an unruly army of beasts to follow behind
I waited
Stopped at the red light
No one came after me
There was no army
Not even a gust of wind
Shame was the only one to follow me into the dark
Freedom, no more orders or demands
The unreality of this moment sank in
All I wanted was to be back in the safety of my own arms
However, I no longer had a safe place to rest
A flightless bird trapped in a nest of lies
Unable to escape
I ran into the night, no direction of where I was headed
Alone, but free

Para las flores
Para las ropas
El collar
Y el anillo
Todos los regalos que me traerías
No significaba una maldita cosa
Por los besos
Por los abrazos
Los paseos en coche
Y las cenas que compartiríamos
Todo vino con un precio
Que tendría que pagar
Ahora que hemos terminado
Me quedo con todo
Todos los recuerdos
Toda la basura
Y no quiero nada de eso
Nuestro tiempo puede haber sido corto
Pero no fuimos hechos para durar
Así que, gracias por nada puta
Por favor, toma todo de vuelta


For the roses
For the clothes
The necklace
And the ring
All the presents you would bring me
Didn’t mean a ******* thing
For the kisses
For the hugs
The car rides
And the dinners we would share
All came with a price
That I would have to pay
Now that we are through
I am left with it all
All the memories
All the junk
And I don’t want any of it
Our time may have been short
But we weren't made to last
So, thanks for nothing *****
Please take it all back

I walked into the room
Surprised to find you alone
You sit there ignoring me as if you were expecting my company
I sit down next to you
Wondering what was going to happen next
You kiss me and grab me like an alcoholic grabs a bottle after a long day of sobriety
You slowly move closer and begin to nestle yourself into me to find some sort of comfort
Moments later you ask how I’m doing
I tell you the truth
“I’m doing fine”
even though that is far from reality
but in my head, it sounds right
my words travel in one ear out the other
but I don’t mind
I’m here with you
And that’s all I wanted
I proceed to return the favor and ask how are you
And with the same intentions
You reply, “I’m fine”

It’s the silence that kills
The elephant in the corner
Staring at both of us
First at you, then at me
You’re good like that
Ignoring the obvious
Or maybe your just not bothered by it at all
But for me it the only thing on my mind
I try to be like you
But I guess I just care more

Not long after the silence is broken
We migrate from one room to another
You slowly begin to undress
Which signals me to do the same
You grab me and throw me on your bed
I’m stunned but carry on
We proceed with our usual endeavors
Your hand between my legs
Searching for a reaction
I give you what you want
Even though my attention is elsewhere
You tell me to move up and you continue
You notice somethings up and tell me I’m tense
I guess my acting wasn’t on point and you caught me
You tell me to breath and relax
But you and I both know that’s not going to work
We proceed and I pretend some more
You look up for a reaction and I give you that satisfaction
And when your finished
It’s my turn to make you moan
I get to work
I make sure to do all the things I know will make your hair stand up
I move lower and lower
Till the only thing left do is swallow your pride
You grab my hair and push me down
You love it when you have control
You pull me up to your face and kiss me
I expected this to happen next

We play the same chords over and over again
Only to continue with the movements
But this time it’s different
And right before the end you tell me you missed me
But you didn’t miss me
You missed what my body provides
A place to hold your manhood
And like the alcoholic needs a drink
You need someone to cherish your manhood
My body to you is who I am
It’s what you crave
You need the parts of me that serve you
That’s what you miss
I lie there in silence
Staring at the elephant  
Until I finally say
I missed you too

the wind whistling outside my window
dying to get in
wanting to intrude on my conversation
the loud snores of the two bodies that lie beside me
not a sound travels into the room
we are the perpetrators
my room full of concepts
i can no longer focus on the conversations
distracted by the cries of the wind
and the roars of the beasts inhabiting my bed
i must keep quiet
for the noise has begun to intensify
quiet hrs on the floor
silence approaches me, with a request
i explain that it's not me but them
the voices and the wind and the beasts
the conversations now sound like thunder
all in an effort to rid of the pollution
silence has broken through  
forcing my hand, i give in to his request
my lips have been sealed by those small chalky tablets
as the conversations within die off
the screams now become a whisper
a warm, endearing figure now lays beside me
good night silence
till we meet again

I’m teaching myself how to breath
I’d almost forgotten since for the last year you were both my lungs and the fresh air
You gave me wings to fly
But you cut them off at the first sign of trouble
Blood and feathers spread on the pavement
You bashed my soul in and cut all our ties
Every chance you got, you made broken promises
Of love and forever and future
Well **** your promises
And **** your love
I worked hard to tolerate your pain and your naïve-ness
I kept a roof over my own head
You were not my home
My heart may have longed for a place to belong but it was not looking for lies and deceit
You told me you were happy
That what we were doing was going to be forever
A love like no other
Until you torn us apart and ripped me from your life
It looks like I never existed
Like I never dedicated my heart, soul, and mind to you
My love and my lust
Your room barren of the promises I made
The imprint of my body where I once slept next to you, still visible to the naked eye
Who was I to you?
Did I even matter?
If I truly mattered like you sang to me night and night again
Then you wouldn’t have left me for dead
I would still have my wings and my heart
But here I am, barely holding on
All I have is the hope that one day you’ll see how much you mean to me
How I would move mountains and slay dragons for you love
Even though I hate you and wish plagues on you
There is no one else for me
No one else who I want to share my love and light with
No one but you

the murky blue water ripples
shades of Jade concealed
only made visible by the shards of
sun piercing through the layers of the blanket.
dancing and crashing
composing music as we come together
and break apart.
colliding with great force
the land trembles at sight of the crest,
for the power we yield is far too great.
waves demolish the ground we walk on,
washing away the marks we've left.

the storm has now passed,
tides begin to die down.
the symphony ceases
and the sand crawls home to the shore.
silence has infiltrated the bed,
no more movement between the layers of the deep
left in a state of debilitation
all that was once barren,
now kissed with the sweat of the sea.
we part for the night-
two ships carry on- leaving a light trail behind,
with only the glow of the night,
to guide us to our fantasy.

To be sober is to be free
     Free from that desire
          That need
To be sober is to have a clear mind
     Be able to think
          Realize where you are
To be sober is to be tired
     Tired of the state you were in
          But ready for the change
to be sober is to be alone
     alone with your thoughts
          the thoughts of past present and future
               alone with yourself
                    and the place you have put yourself in
to be sober is to be ashamed
     ashamed of the damage you’ve caused
          the people who have walked away
               and the ones you have hurt
                    the wounds you have left
                         so deep and unforgettable
to be sober is to be alive
     you were given the ability to feel
          feel all the things you once pushed so deep down inside of you
               all those emotions that led you to the addiction come
               back all at once
to be sober is to feel different
     you feel reborn
          new and unusual
               your first breathe as a human being taste so sweet
to be sober is a figment of my imagination
     these thoughts aren’t attainable
          this is the life I’ve chosen
               there is no turning back
                    so I cozy up at the bar
                         and drink away the pain
                              the addiction controls me
to be sober is a dream

That willow tree we once sat under,  
Died like our love.
Winter came and stripped it of its beauty
Fighting became our only form of communicating
Our hearts no longer beat at the same rhythm
We’re one of the same but yet so different
Come back to me my love
Spring will come and that tree will grow again
Leaves more vibrant than the last
A love, new and true
No more meaningless fighting
No more harsh words and yelling
I just want to be loved
The type of love I know we have inside of us
It’s there I know it
We just have to fight for it
Look for it within ourselves to become stronger and better than before
Please grow with me
Bloom like the willow tree
Grow like it’s branches and reach for the warmth of the sun
Don’t give up, please I beg of you
But you’ve already decided
you need to be alone
I can accept what you need
Holding onto the belief that someday we’ll be together again
We’ll be bold and vibrant like the willow tree
But for now I’ll wait under the weeping willow
I’ll wait for you