I don’t regret much what I am.
How can I regret what defines me?
The way I am is an answer to how I feel.
I am my own universe, omnipresent
and yet a mere glimpse of insignificance
in others awareness or lives.
A blip in the whole of eternity.

You may think me ignorant
even cold, that’s not the truth.
Just a reflection of me mirrored
through the stained windows of you.
You can fall in love with the image
I transcend, the spark I ignite,
the pull of my voice
or softness in my touch,
but it is just as short lived
as fireworks, a spark of light
on the endless night sky.

I am not telling you
that things don’t matter
in a life so short lived
as a human life cycle.
I do not mean,
that you should stop loving
or that you can avoid hating
even that you may stop trying
to save the world.

In fact I am saying the opposite.
Make every moment count,
live them to the fullest,
make them yours.
Savor the actions,
the laughter, the passion
even the grief, heartache or anger.
You are a drop in the ocean of time
one of many particles and yet,
the one and only.

Life is short.
Eternity is not.

******!
I also want to be able to grow a greyish beard and appear more good-looking than I ever was in my early 20s.

I adjusted the beanie to an exact position above my brows,
leaving swallow wings arched underneath it.
Looking into the mirror one final time,
saluting the bold stare facing back
beneath sooty lashes - perfection.
The amor arc of my lips
painted a perfectly smug expression.

The buzz in the room stopped on cue
when I stepped into the war zone.
All eyes focussing...finally,
on the one person who really matter.

Hesitant smiles, some frowns
and a whole lot of anticipation...
All waiting for my next move.
In my head I hear Sia singing;
”tough girls in the fast lane...”
- the last tune I played
on my way here.

I smiled to the guy who used to be my web manager.
Turned 45 degrees and gave the older gentleman ( that I always get into heated discussions with about ”the better old days” vs life as it is today) a hug and a breathless salutation.
The lady sitting at the end of the table - a quick kiss on the cheek and a warm assurance of her invaluable presence (not).
The top manager for global communication,
- let’s sparkle a bit extra.
Stroking his chin with light fingers,
assuring him in the unspoken
about how absolutely gorgeous,
irresistible he is.

My so called team,
waiting in terrified silence for the meeting to begin.
Quiet little mice - now.
For months, their cocky, ignorant ***** have been speaking volumes
about how they would challenge conventions,
Break rules
Being rebels unheard of,
and ridiculing anyone who’d disagree
with their blown up perception
of importance.

Now they all looked at me - while chewing  chunks of humble pie.
One unified message
- Save our ******* *****!

And then, her...
The woman who've paved the way for me all along.
Teaching me the hardest lessons possible in business.
Because she cared,
she believed, and she desperately
wanted me to succeed.

I walked the few steps around the table to greet her,
folding my arms closely around her fragile frame.
And for the one and only time that morning,
I let true feelings shine through.

Someone turned the beamer on.
I let go of the dizzy spell
from 3 weeks nonstop work,
regular blood and thyroid treatments.
In my mind my demon wings flared out,
strong, potent and invincible.
And the grand piano fixated in my heart, struck the first chord...

Our time was short
not aged like wine
The truth was plucked
from the vine
And I never got the chance  
to say goodbye


The thoughts hold on
The heart despairs
The ghost of you
is everywhere
And I will always be next to and
. . . near you

so goodbye . . . farewell . . . goodbye

The day begins
just like it ends
Is it God's good will
it came to end
But my loneliness
shouts out in vain

So when something ends
it's time to begin
I won't be looking behind . . .  
it's just the wind
And my arms are aching
from the pain

Goodbye . . . so goodbye
fare thee well

So go on now . . . cut your losses
Close the fact inside the coffin
Take the key and
lock it deep inside

Learn how to say your prayers
Long for the day without the cares
The evening air comes on now so chilling

Say goodbye , goodbye now . . .  forevermore

Goodbye . . .
you've closed the door

With every step I'm feeling
Where once so firm I'm reeling
from the overburden
of my motal ways

So just release my last goodbye
Don't even dare to ask me why
The chances are cast
the lot now devided

. . . so goodbye . . . goodbye . . .
. . . goodbye . . .  fare thee well . . .

His graceful fingers softly brushed
over my thigh in a languid stroke,
sending a parade of shivers along.
Slanting him a sideways glance,
meeting blue sky experience
embedded in a roadmap of life weariness.
With a crooked smile and a raised
eyebrow he simply stated;
-Had we been born in the same era
I’d make **** sure these legs
would never walk out on me.

The imprint of his hand stayed
as a melancholic afterthought
long after I had wrapped up
the meeting and left for the airport.
Unfortunately the flight
did not include time travel,
which has been a top priority
on my wish-list lately...

The moment it suddenly hit me
that I’ve met a shedevil equal to mine
I growled,
temporarily put into a dark dungeon of torture.
She!
A much more mature woman than me,
(kindly speaking)
with a voice raspy like rusty screws
drilling into my brain.
Droning on and on, repeatedly…
Don’t you just hate people that repeat themselves over and over again to make a point?
I could literally see my dark widow wings flay in sheer rage at her persistent but utterly boring rants.
I got what she wanted… I really did.
But I would not and never will share her elitist thinking.
Hell no, and **** it to obliteration.
I’d rather walk away in brimstone and fire.
Slashing everything and everyone in my way to ash, dust and dead atoms,
before I lay my body down on their altar of stupidity.

And when I turned my tormented gaze toward that sniveling, coward of a man hunkering down beneath our war table.
Daring to smile in smug triumph…
I felt crimson violence take me over.

War is upon you all,
and you’re already dead.
you just haven’t realized it yet.

When the time comes
I will leave you
locked in the closets
of your heart

There will be no words
of consolations
No letters left upon the desk
inked with my explanations

I am sure it will be the dark of night
when whippoorwills do call
For they cry into the dark
but nothing replies at all

By the time the sun stumbles in
And you reach for the sky and yawn
The dew will cover the grass but there will be no footsteps left upon the lawn

What happens after that I really
don't want to know
I will be hitchhiking down the road
keeping it on the low

Don't blame yourself for my failures
It was just that I ran out of time
And my feet were really telling me
they were sick of all my lying

So goodbye , farewell , Godspeed ,
live long and I hope that you prosper
It's time to end the intimations
and all the pain I cause her