Nel 28m
I’m scared

I could mess this all up in just a matter of minutes

Colleges are looking at me

One has reached out to me

And wants to talk the 30th of this month

I’m scared
I’m not that good at playing clarinet

Am I?

Do I present myself to be a senior?
With how I talk?

Teachers have raved about how I’m more mature than my peers
How I see the world differently

One was surprised that I got the true meaning of a poem, one that colleges students don’t even get right

He also believes I’m an old soul

People brag about how I play
People brag about my maturity
People brag about my looks

I don’t think I’m that good
I don’t think I act that old
I don’t think I’m that pretty


People do

Colleges have asked me to play at there pageants
People ask me if I’m in college or if I’m married
People tell me I could be a model

I’m scared
I doubt I can do this
I don’t see what other people see
I doubt it all

Nel 2h
I’m sitting here
With a messy bun that barely keeps hair out of my face

Singing along to ukulele strums

Singing along to chords

C, C sharp, G, A and then repeat

My soft voice barely singing

Too scared to be heard by ghost
In this empty house

I slowly get louder
More confident

With my strums and voice

Singing a song soaked in pain and lost love

Singing a song about losing one self

Singing a song about finding yourself

My messy bun comes down
Covering me in long, brown hair

I giggle

I love this

I love this confidence
I love how I’m learning
I love me

I love myself
Nel 15h
“I think you need a service dog”

I’m not crippled
I don’t have seizures
I’m not blind


I do have those things in a way

How my depression makes me not want to get up or even move
How it makes me tremble and shake
How it makes me see no reason to get up or have a future

I guess I do need a service dog then

An emotional support dog

A chihuahua?

A dog who has anxiety just as bad as me?

Oh man

This will be fun
Guess who’s getting an emotional support dog to help cope with depression and possible ptsd
Nel 17h
I woke up one day
And it’s like nothing happened
Like everything changed

My alarm clock didn’t annoy me
I wasn’t sleepy
I was awake

I didn’t care that you weren’t hugging me
I didn’t care that our morning routine wasn’t a thing anymore

I woke up
And noticed new things
Like how you treated me
How it wasn’t truly love
But we thought it was

I saw how you were toxic
I saw the mind games you destroyed me with
I saw how you probably didn’t know or just didn’t care what you did

I noticed how you cared about my body more than my emotions
How your comments outweighed your concern for my sadness

I woke up
And knew you never got help for cutting yourself
Yet you claimed my parents didn’t help me
Which is weird because I’ve had help for the longest time

I woke up
And I felt pity for you
Because people thought you were disgusting after finding out what you did
And how most of your “friends” were only friends because we were dating
They figured there must be some good in you
Because I was dating you

I woke up
And saw how you heightened my depression
I saw how you were controlling

I woke up
And saw how you thought you were better than everyone
And how you thought you could do anything that you pleased

Things people always told me when we were together
But I just ignored because “It can’t be true”

I woke up
And I cared about myself more than I did you

I woke up
And I loved myself more than I did you

I woke up
And didn’t listen to your lies

I woke up
And I started a new life
  1d Nel
I would write you a poem
     about the stars and the moon
I would write you a poem
     about me dying soon.
I would write you a poem
     about my love everlasting
I would write you a poem
     about cymbals crashing.
I would write you a poem
     about how I want you so
but I can't write you a poem
     when you don't let me grow.
Nel 1d
You see
My mind is a battle field
It’s one where many people run from

A bomb went off
And now I’m suffocating under rubble
Waiting for someone to find me

A grenade just went off
And I feel the hole in my soul

Bullet sprays cut through my skin
But that was before I had armor

Raids make me break down and sob in the middle of the day

I feel the emptiness of the houses families used to laugh in

I feel the pain of each family that has lost a loved one

I feel the death of every warrior

I see the angry hot red
And the sad red of pity

I am a soldier
And as a soldier
I’m used to these things

You see
I have scars from the battle

You can’t see the damage in my mind
I know comparing depression to a battlefield is a cliche but here’s this
Nel 2d
I was tired
Of being forced into a mold
That someone wanted me in
A mold I couldn’t fit in
A mold of someone else’s happiness

I was tired
Of you switching your stories

“This isn’t a break”
“I want you back”


“I was thinking about breaking up with you soon anyways”
“I was only thinking about what it would be like if we did”


“I’m over you”
“I still love you”


“I’m glad we’re not together”
“I wish I never said yes to breaking up..”

I was tired
Of you confusing me

I was tired
Of the gaslighting
That you did
Either intentionally
Or blindly

I was tired
Of crying over you
Crying so hard
Till my eyes were blood shot

I was tired
Of getting hurt
Because of you

I was tired
Of keeping all of this a secret
Just to keep you happy

I was tired
Of trying to make myself perfect for you
So you would be happy

I was tired
Of your sexual comments
That you thought were compliments

I was tired
Of me letting you do this

I was tired
That I couldn’t help myself during that time

I was tired
Of the fact I could never stand up to you

I was tired
Of feeling nothing

I was tired
Of the empty promises we made

I was tired
Of fights that had no meaning

I was tired

Of you
Of me
Of us
I’m still confused...
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