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Plant melons and you will harvest melons; plant beans and you will harvest beans
lets admit it
im not any good
the raw and emotional
where im trapped right now
its a cage
and that cage hurts
i threw away all my hurt
maybe im mess
maybe im dead
i think i wannA be dead
why am i not dead
i should be dead like i deserve
this is just who i am
i should be dead
As I glide through the clouds
A cold wind blows
I am riding the sea of life alone
A million violent strikes on my temperament
I desperately rack my brains
To cast myself as something
Turning away from the ground
Looking to the clouds for an answer
Yet heaven never speaks
I am left with confusion
A glance into the mirror that led me astray
The phantoms of my mind whirring
and with no delay, the tears drip
The tight grip around my chest
A writhing conniving visage stares back
and with no thought to others, I let the tears drip
All it took was a glance and here I am someone else
The Phantoms have stopped whirring
and with no one left, not a tear can be shed.
I want to die with a smile knowing I've lived true to myself. My scars and pains that remain made me empty to something else.

I am better than I was and more aware of my capacities but I am gripped with uncertainty. What am I to do that I won't regret? What am I to feel that I won't forget. A meaningful experience is all I ever wanted and yet I despise to say yes because that means surrender.

Accepting that I am too weak to be on my own, so I lounge in my loneliness. I am a coward afraid to accept help and so I despise what I can't have and yearn so desperately.

Am I to teach others to be better and lie about my success or am I to feel as I feel and be as I am? Achievement of something substantial and memorable not to the world or the universe but to myself, I am to gripped with the uncertainty of living the delirium that is each day to simply be.

So I will push and push and hum a familiar tune of loneliness in the hopes that one day I will achieve the greatest achievement of myself.
Standing in front of me is a child of no more than 6, he smiles a beaming hopeful smile.

From his very being radiates naivety he meets my gaze unafraid of me. I meet his gaze with coldness, my heart empty and only the remnants of cold utilitarian logic take its place.

What a joke it is, I look past the smile and notice his eyes. Eerie dark pools that radiate indifference, that was the truth. There seemed to be some resonance between us, a quality assured between us.

We are both intensely indifferent to the world. But time was our separation, I had come to accept myself. But he was still living a facade, for how much longer I could only wonder.

A chronology of events I had thought faded passes by like an arrow. From the remnants I piece together the theme, I was not who I expected.

I am not quite the victim of circumstances that I thought I was. Some people from a tough life gather sensitivity becoming emotional messes.

That was a thought of mine in the past, but it was no more than a scheme. I was not a victim, instead, I was a predator. Manipulating and lying my way out of things remorselessly.

I was so good in fact that I even tricked myself, yet with the unraveling I realize I am every bit the monster I was made out to be  and so much more.
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