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Yanamari Sep 2020
I only want wings when the winds are strong
I only feel cold when the turmoil in my mind and heart are overwhelming
I only lay in the non-newtonian black substance so that I don't have to
Deal with everything
I'm sick of these beliefs that remain rooted in my mind
So deeply rooted they've upheaved whatever parts that used to rest in my heart,
Wasted away any comfort my heart had left in it

And maybe I'd want wings to see the skies
And feel the cold because I genuinely miss it's sensation
And lay in non-newtonian substances to explore the feeling of it
But I question where the drive of my curiousity left to;
If it had escaped before it was forcibly ripped from my heart or
If it decayed and it's rot continues to fester in my heart

These feelings of mine I want to respect...
How do you respect the body you only know how to leave
Yanamari Sep 2020
I stand facing my reflection
Gaze acting as a barrier
I would reach forward to reach you
But I hesitate lest you withdraw from my touch
My heart clenched and my eyes hold back
And if I could comfort you, if the warmth of my heart could reach you
We would be one
And yet whisps and words trace their fingers along my mind
Humming a tune my mind and heart fall into step with uneasily
And she strokes my face to will my heart and mind out of the tune
But the tune is continuous, seeded and unwavering
Yanamari Sep 2020
Before waltzing together
To the melody of the
Blue moon
I danced alone.
Independent and yet feeling.

And then a gap developed
And grew
Large enough for
The space of two
And so I filled it with
The shine of
The Blue moon.

The Blue moon is my
Melody, love and solace
Whilst my body halts
To disallow the hole to
Grow larger.
To feel is to rip the hole
Wider.
And so feel,
I cannot.
The waltz was always
Mellow,
Almost melancholic;
And so it so easily
Unstrung - snapped.

Frozen over

The dance paused for
A few months.
Then the music began to play
So did the light
And I
Saw him
In the distance
Flitting in and out,
But remained
A dance partner.

While I swayed along with
The fluctuating notes
Others danced close by
And once I realised they'd left
And would not again
Dance close by
I shrunk back
Once again
Dancing alone

Frozen - crack.

And then he stepped back and
She came.
The water still dripping
Along her arms
We waltzed.
All too familiar
And yet she
Still withdrew
My hands unmoving,
Floating in the air
Where she would be.

And whilst neither left
Our synergy left me
And so my waltz -
In the rays that filter through
The cracks in the roof -
Is steady even when
The light flickers.

The gentle caress of your fingers
I won't forget
For your essence is still there
Even if only in
The Blue Moon
To be honest I've forgotten/not 100% sure what the blue moon refers to but I like this poem so im making it public

Pers Ref(?): 2011ίe-mIDTh1ef

Mar 1 2020

Edit: funny post note that I remembered is that in high school I had a dream I was talking to my sister in a warped version of my house under a crack in the roof of my house. There was one moon and four massive stars (the size of suns when you see the sun during the day), the stars travelling in a circle which had a point where the stars would pass over the moon. Once the stars would pass over the moon, it was I think the stars that would shine brighter (and possibly the moon as well?). And so I may or may not have been thinking about the crack in the roof from that dream... but I wouldn't doubt that the verse about the crack in the roof was just a random instinctual touch that came to mind that felt right in the moment.
Yanamari Sep 2020
"Whatever tickles your pickles"
"Whatever helps you sleep at night"
Words that dance with the
Clenching of my heart as I choose my actions
Engage to disengage
And yet each hover of my finger,
Each moment spent amongst the heavy swirling in my heart and stomach;
Thoughts clinging to what can't be
Hoping
Thoughts cutting deeper to sever what I can never have

This time instead breathe in
As my finger hovers, that is all that happens
If it was meant to be it would be
They are not what matters in the moment,
Not more than you
Yanamari Sep 2020
Smile for the you that exists
Smile for the you that smiles
Smile for the life that you live
Smile for the warmth that you share
Smile for your heart
Smile
There isn't a smile that matters if it isn't yours
Your happiness matters
Your wholeness matters
Smile
No one can take that away from you
Yanamari Sep 2020
I want to scream it out
The words that push and scrape at
The insides of my skin and heart
Let us out
But I shouldn't
I can't
They probably already look down on me
I shouldn't let their thoughts put me down

I can't
Let me out
I can't...

A choice is a capability
A small part of a person's
Best efforts to continue to survive
I can't But I can I won't be able to handle it
They don't share my thoughts and feelings

She holds my face between her hands
Tears threatening to fall
"I can't"
"I know" she whispers to my closed eyes
Stroking my cheekbones
Her hands' warmth stark against the
Cold darkness that surrounded us
Yanamari Sep 2020
Words fly on the whims
Of the tongue that speaks them
Like the flow of the wind that
Sways air to and fro
The air itself not as harmful as the
Wind that guides it and yet
The combination is the what carries
The perpetrators' knife through its victim

And there is no fault to the air
For the air did not create itself
And there is no fault to the winds
For the winds did not create itself
And their is no fault at all
Merely cause and effect;
The heart feels as it does
And morals sway with the wind.
Thinking back to times when I was experiencing low mood to a point where I couldn't help not expressing warmth towards a certain person even though I was more expressive with the other people in the same group which led to me being accusingly told words that felt a bit harsh, but I knew what the person was saying held some form of truth and yet couldn't help being the way I was. People say whatever they want, people perceive what others say as right or wrong, people feel differently towards the words of others. We are sentient. (Pers Ref.: UGDIRC2019)
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